only i can hurt you (chapter 2)
same warnings as last one but with more highlight on the ed part of the relationship!
you two were out grocery shopping for the league with a whopping budget of barely 120 dollars. it was getting hot out, summer not just rolling but suddenly jumping you from around the corner with multiple day long heat waves predicted for the next 2 weeks. this meant no one wants to smoke drugs in a non-air-conditioned in an already heated car. this meant dabi and shigaraki weren't making much on their deals. this meant 120 dollars for groceries. for a house full of adults.
minus you two of course. "it's perfect tomu, we don't have enough for all of us so me and you can just... not eat for a little. nothing we can't handle, right tomu?" you clung to his skeletal form, instinctually running your hands up and down the length and wrapping your fingers around different parts of his arm. it was self-soothing yet a burdening reminder you two were only centimeters apart when it came to gaps and circumfrences of limbs and calories and weight and food and disgust and fat and-
"don't call me that in public. good idea i guess," he sighed, then motioned to the shelves of the current aisle you were in. "but look. we buy two packs for 12 dollars and we can get another THREE for free. i can be set for like, 2 weeks more if we invest in this."
you scowled, tugging him away into a different aisle. shigaraki was addicted to every diet soda out there, making it his mission to try every flavor before he dies as if he has 3 months left to live. full sugar soda was his vice when you two first met, cliche mountain dew drinking gamer with fast food bags inside more fast food bags inside grocery store plastic bags- he was disgusting. his teeth were nothing short of rotting and yellowed. but he was skinny. unintentionally omad-ing a burger and fries with a bunch of soda to wash it down after going days with either snacks and energy drinks or nothing at all when he was grinding out gameplays. you had grown up trying every sort of diet and eating all types of food but god has cursed women for eternity and blessed shigaraki tomura and every other male you've known with statistic-breaking metabolisms and simple cravings.
the only thing that ever worked for you was him. someone else's force. him forcing you to not eat by keeping you in his room for days. forcing you to purge those fries you got because can you imagine how much fat is actually in there? they don't weigh your food out, and look, all the fries are different sizes. the calories aren't gonna be accurate, you know that. it was fun to eat, but now all that salt is gonna make you look fat. actually, be fat. you're fat. go to the fucking bathroom and get that disgusting shit out of your stomach before you get fatter. by making you feel so horrible about yourself, you couldn't even stomach the thought of eating anything with sustenance.
you tossed a couple boxes of gauze and this really good disinfectant cream you two use, a lot, in the cart. sometimes he cuts you- one for every extra piece of food over your limit, every pound gained or not lost within acceptance, for even suggesting eating. how else would you have learned without him? without shigaraki's love and dedication to you, you'd be lost. and fat.
you tossed in some of toga's requested items- this new organic ramen cup rip off that was 2 dollars more expensive than being normal. a new pack of razors- but in an artistic way. toga likes to make art pieces with razors. and blood. who's blood? no one asked. everyone knew. some fruit went in the cart that everyone could enjoy. a lot of sale-priced store brand microwavable foods followed. cucumbers and pickles were the only vegetables you and shigaraki could handle. salad was to expensive. the biggest budget-denter was all of jin's mass amounts of protein. chicken, turkey, protein bars, protein powder, protein drinks, shit you guys didn't have money for anyways. you could only buy a nice pack of chicken for him. some tofu for dinner and broth.
"he can buy the rest with his gym-guy money. we don't owe him." you tugged on shigaraki's hoodie again, and he jerked his shoulder away from you. you gripped his forearm, and he frowned. haha, shigaraki, you can't hurt women in public.
by the time you guys got home, everyone was there.
"when the fuck did we all get days off, huh?" shigaraki yelled as he entered the house with two packs of strawberry flavored diet coke. he won that argument, judging by the three shakily stacked up in your arms. dabi got up from his permanent spot on the couch and the smoke around him twisted and curled until it reached the open door. they dapped eachother up, as boys do, dabi handing off the blunt without missing a beat to your boyfriend and showing him something on that god-forsaken beat up iphone 7. you couldn't really tell what was going on, didn't care much, just focused on bringing in the last few bags. you heard some expressions of disbelief, some anger, some laughing.
"i gotta kill her." dabi was saying as you put the final bag down, taking a few moments to catch your breath. you felt like you were gonna pass out.
"shit, i'd kill mine too if she did that." they were both leaning against the wall now, you could tell they were trying to inconspicuously get to the couch to knock out.
"shiiiiit," dabi ashed the blunt on the floor, then pointed to shigaraki with it. "you'd kill yours for breathing too fat."
there was an awkward moment of silence for you, followed by the two guys laughing their asses off and shigaraki not disagreeing.
"hey," you panted. "can you help clean out the cabinents?"
they looked at your hunched over form, hands on your knees, panting like a dog. and laughed at you. dabi slapping his thighs while he died of laughter and shigaraki stomping his boots against the floor, also laughing, also driving the ash further into the grains of the wood.
"gotta kill you now, y/n. out of breath over one set of stairs." he shook his head, giving one last hit to the blunt before letting dabi finish it. "fat bitch. clean this place up yourself." he spat, pulling off his hoodie after carefully peeling it away from his arms. your eyes started to well with tears, stinging. you pulled off your own hoodie, setting it on the couch and getting to work. you had thirty minutes left till your fast was over, it was enough time to clean out the old food from the kitchen and organize all the new stuff. enough time to get some wet paper and clean the floors. (what's a swiffer?) enough time to think about how hungry you were while staring in the fridge absentmindedly. fat bitch. enough time to chug a glass of tap water and physically shake your head free of food thoughts. dog.
you held the warm mug of soup in your hands, always cold and shaking. now recently added, veins sticking out more. it made you want to slice up your hands and fingers. you sighed, swirling the soup around with your spoon. you wish you could put bread in the soup, or maybe have a bowls worth and not just a cup. it wasn't on the plan shig had you on though, and it probably would never be. you gave up bread months ago, along with things like cereal and any soda at all. however sugar was always the hardest part, going strong for a month or two then ultimately binging on a whole candy bar one of the roommates gave you.
shigaraki comforted you that day, holding you in his arms. "i know it sucks you ate all that candy. you've been doing good so far, and i'm disappointed, but it could be worse. just make sure you're back on track tomorrow like you have been." he kissed the top of your head. "they never offer me candy or their food, you know."
"...what?" you lifted your head to look at him, clutching onto him tighter.
"yeah," he nodded. you felt like a little kid listening to his story. "i think it's because you're almost bmi 19, finally, but don't look any different from when you first were starting to lose weight. i mean, look at me babe. would you ever offer someone like me something so depraving as chocolate?"
your lip trembled.
"they know what i am. they can already tell i don't need it, that i won't take it from them. you know why?"
"cuz' your so skinny." you sniffled, trying to hide in his sleeve. he nodded again.
"and they all know you're the fat girl that they can buy a hershey bar for. that they can share their food with and you'll finish it for them. is that what you want?"
"...nooo!" you cried out, tears dripping down your cheeks. he kissed them, pink and hot from the shame of being his fat girlfriend.
"good... fix it then."
you were now barely bmi 17, and your boyfriend was nearing 15. you cried every time you thought about it, which was everyday. every gash on your arm for all the binges and regret and disgust and hatred and anger and all those gross feelings you got about being alive were imprinted on you forever now. you wanted thin forever, you wanted to be beautiful for your boyfriend forever, even if it wasn't gonna be shigaraki. you saw how amazing jin treats his women before his next episode, toga's insanely strong adoration for the same person she's been on about for years- yet her ability to do it for her current partner anyways. how dabi sleazes up girls at parties to be his customers and in his bed by the morning. even some of shigaraki's cut-off family seems nicer than what he's ever told you. they speak fancy and dress nice, they're rich. they pay the rent here for shigaraki and his 'friends', he was a rich boy living the poor life.
"you have money shigaraki, we could buy a new car or fix the fucking washer if you just called your stupid fucking uncle!" you were arguing again, not really remembering what really started it. the missed car payment might've been it, but no one really cared about paying off a car you guys bought for like 5k- oh, then wanting a new one, you were caught up now. "we could maybe have a kitchen, with, you know, real food!"
he scoffed.
"what?!"
"always thinking about food," he rolled his eyes. "even if i did get more money from them, i'm sure you'd waste all my gas money on driving to food spots. spend all the water in the washer washing away the grease and food stains from your clothes. your clothes, which go up in size," he got closer to you, back against the wall. "if i called my stupid-" his fist collided with the wall, actually breaking through it. it crumbled and fell in small pieces on your shoulder and to the floor, you flinched but didn't dare to scream. "-fucking uncle. for more money. you'd just spend it on filling up the kitchen, with real food. is that what you're telling me?"
he was in your face, seething. eyebrows pinched tightly, looking into your sunken eyes. you shrugged. he smacked you.
"you don't eat shit unless i tell you to." he grabbed your jaw, forcing you straight, then smacked you again. with similar force that he gave the wall apparently, knocking you to his feet and oh shit you were actually seeing stars. his boot pressed between your shoulders, holding you on the floor. "lay here while i make jin his retarded fucking pre-workout. if you get up, i'll kill you."
you sobbed as quietly as you could into your arms, phone buzzing in your pocket. the fast was over. you had 2 hours to eat. start with something light, maybe a cup of soup. some fruit for fiber, or something. uh, maybe tomu will make you some of his good tofu... takes too long though, it'll be 7 by then, and you don't eat past 7. you lay there. even after tomu walked by you, even after he came back to tell you to get up, even when he kicked you.
you felt small as he picked you up, grumbling and cursing, setting you down into his bed. he rubbed your head, down your spine, over your hip bones. he pushed you flat on the bed, running his fingers up over your flattened stomach and feeling up your ribs. he kissed your collarbones, each side, then your forehead. "just a few more." he whispered to you as you whined. few more pounds, okay. few more hours, okay. whatever tomura wanted, you would gladly do. you love hurting yourself, but he does all the work for you. you loved losing the weight, loved the perfect scars, loved the feelings that weren't complete distain so it surely meant they were good-feelings.
you loved tomura.
