Judgement
Surprise fic... again?
Eh, anyways... this one's a bit weird. It's a lot more experimental than the usual stuff I write, so if that's not really your thing, feel free to skip this one! I will say this though: this fic DOES get pretty intense, so bear in mind the trigger warnings:
(TW: anxiety, OCD rumination, overstimulation, and autistic shutdown)
Faster.
Faster, you idiot.
Don't let them see you. You know what happened last time.
Don't lose count.
Luigi kept his gaze down, laser-focused on the cobblestone-laden path leading up the hill. Two corners, that's all that was left. Two corners, and hell would turn to frost. Two corners, and his lungs could reinflate once more.
Two corners.
Don't lose count.
Get out of there, now!
Why are you moving so slow?!
Don't lose count.
Faster!
You're losing count.
FASTER!
Start over.
His boots softly brushed against the cobblestone, each step methodical and precise. Stay within the borders, he'd told himself. That was the way; there was no other.
His face felt hot, though he kept his expression blank.
Fixed lips, eyes, and emotion.
Normalcy.
Two corners.
Don't lose count.
Two corners.
From his periphery, he watched as toads strolled along the sides of the road, carrying wicker baskets of crops and flowers. Carts clattered against the pavement in the near distance, akin to a pendulum slicing into his arteries from the mere sound. Chatters from passerbys felt amplified, pressing against his eardrum. Branches crept across his cheeks as his blood warmed, threatening to burst should he remain a moment longer in such hell.
Still, he couldn't give his presence away.
He needed to keep calm, lest he let his mind grow lost.
They know what you are.
Don't lose count.
You're going to lose count.
Did you lose count?
You don't belong here.
Two corners.
Don't lose count.
He'd promised Mario he'd be home by noon when he left that morning. A simple trip, really. He'd been to Tayce T.'s little corner many times, even chipping in to gather ingredients for the kind toad. He dared say he was a regular by now.
The route wasn't far, once he'd figured out the route. Just outside the castle gates, always accompanied with the scent of cinnamon. Next to the flowers Minh T. kept pruned to perfection. Just the right spot to watch the sun set over the hills, perfect for stargazing on a cloudless night.
There were many reasons he loved that spot…
Sweets, flowers, and stars.
Predictable.
He understood them.
They were always there.
He'd return to them soon.
Two corners.
Don't lose count.
Don't lose count.
Was it still two?
No, it was definitely still two.
No—
… what if you're wrong?
Two corners.
Two—
Two corners.
His gaze landed on the sign post standing idly beside the street. On any other given day, he would have paid them no heed, just as anyone would.
Today, however, he was relieved to see the dark lettering revealing the name "Mushroom Hill."
Almost there.
Two corners.
Right or left?
Two corners.
Right. It's right.
Right.
Two corners.
"Hey, Luigi…!"
Luigi flinched. His body prickled, hearing the familiar voice radiating through every nerve, threatening to short-circuit his brain with a surge. He could feel sweat daring to break through his sweater, the sides of his face growing hotter by the minute.
Though, as always, he forced the corners of his mouth to turn upward, slowly turning to face the unfortunate soul who dared encroach upon the ticking time bomb wandering the streets.
Toad.
"Um… h-h-hello, Toad," he greeted forcefully, praying his smile was just wide enough. "Ah… l-lovely evening we have, huh…?"
Toad cocked a brow.
No! Wrong question!
What are you doing?!
Stop right—
"Yeah… I guess it is," Toad responded, glancing toward the pinkened skies above them, nodding softly. He then smiled up at Luigi once more in his funny way — at least, to him. "So! What've you been up to? I thought you and Mario had the day off, didn't you?"
Luigi's throat tightened.
Day off, yeah.
What if it wasn't?!
Maybe it was yesterday!
You idiot, you didn't realize it!
No, it was today.
Today.
Today was it.
Two corners.
…
Don't forget it.
"Mhm," Luigi nodded, his hands finding the denim fabric of his overall strap, rubbing his fingers on either side. "Day off. Y-Yeah. Just… um… p-picking up… stuff…"
"Oh? Tayce T.'s running a deal with you both these days, huh?"
Luigi's brow furrowed.
"Deal…?" he asked, feeling his cheeks flushing. "N-No… sh-she just gives us recipes, that's all… c-cake recipe. Yeah, th-th-that's what I was doing…!"
"Ooh nice! What kind of cake are you making?"
Luigi froze.
"I… um…"
No… no!
What was it?!
We just looked at it!
Two corners—
Say something.
Say something!
Toad suddenly laughed, causing Luigi's heart to skip a beat.
"Still deciding, huh?" he beamed. "That's okay… I know you'll do it great, Luigi! Heh… between Tayce T. and the princess, you're probably the best at making cakes in this entire kingdom!"
Luigi gulped.
"Aha… th-thank you," he nodded.
Liar.
You liar.
You had it.
You lost it!
Don't mess it up.
You always mess it up.
Liar.
"Well, I'll leave you be for now," Toad nodded before skipping away slightly, only turning back to give Luigi a cheerful little wave. "See you tomorrow, Luigi! You're still gonna help out with the market set-up, right?"
Luigi could only muster a feeble smile.
Once he was sure Toad was gone, he allowed his expression to fall. Immediately, he could feel the muscles in his cheeks screaming in agony. Tears dared to escape his eyes, yet he swallowed them thickly; there would be plenty of time for that once he was home. At least there, he could give himself grace.
But…
…
…
Luigi stared at the sign.
Immediately, his heart began pounding out of his chest. His hands shook as he glanced from one street to the next, feeling his lungs struggling to grapple oxygen.
Where was it?!
It was just there.
You'd had it.
Which way?!
You lost it!
You fool, you lost it!
Where?!
Luigi staggered backwards, his legs shaking underneath his weight as the streets suddenly closed in on him like a cruel coffin. The streetlights appeared to shine brighter in his eyes, the cicadas crying out louder than ever before. The continuous murmurs from the crowds as they closed shops. He could hear their cheerful laughters and farewells halfway across the kingdom at this rate.
He could feel every one of his bones pleading for respite. Perhaps he could make a break for home when he had the chance! He could get away from it all, forgetting today ever happened.
Though when he tried to move, a horrifying realization dawned on him.
He should've seen it coming.
You lost it!
Start over!
Start over, now!
No! Don't move!
Don't move!
It'll make it worse!
Get out!
You'll make it worse!
Start over!
His feet remained rooted in the cobblestone.
All at once, his body refused to remain quiet amidst the lonely streets.
He couldn't stop hearing it.
Blood rushing.
Stomach churning.
Breaths catching just seconds too long.
Teeth gnashing.
All of it in lurid detail.
Hell was no longer outside him, he realized.
He became hell.
Start over!
Start over!
Get out!
Normalcy.
Be normal.
Be human.
Start over!
Start—
"Luigi?!"
Start over!
Don't move!
… Luigi…?
That wasn't his voice.
From what little movement his body allowed, he managed to look in his periphery… standing there, right at the corner, he saw the one person he'd been looking forward to seeing since he left.
"… M-M-Mar…" Luigi softly croaked, feeling his voice beginning to fizzle out.
Upon hearing his words, the red plumber rushed up to him, his denim blue eyes widened with concern. Luigi couldn't tell what he was saying as his lips began to move, his gaze zeroing in on his hat, the large 'M' staring back at him tauntingly. Even as he felt Mario's arms wrap around him, he couldn't return the favor. If he dared move, he feared his bones would shatter to dust.
Selfish…
So selfish…
Start—
Don't—
… no.
No.
… not anymore…
"Lulu?" Mario crooned, looking up from his chest with a worried look. "Lulu… is it that again?"
Luigi didn't say a word.
He could feel his throat growing hot, even when he tried speaking. The flames licked his vocal cords, straining them to their limit until he feared they'd snap.
All he could think about was home.
Home… safety.
Normalcy.
He was so focused on home, he hardly even noticed when Mario's hands gently lead him forward down the path.
"C'mon, baby bro…" Mario whispered. "Dinner's ready for ya inside. I saved a bowl just in case. I thought you'd need it."
Luigi wished he could express his gratitude.
He felt boneless as they ventured onward… down the two corners.
Finally… there it was.
Home.
~~~
"You make good stew, you know that, Lu…? I had to have seconds while you were out."
The soft clinking of the spoon answered Mario as Luigi dipped into the minced meat, bringing the scent of mixed beef, carrots, and celery to his senses. He allowed himself a moment of silence, breathing in steadily, before consuming the bite, relishing in the warm juices of the meet spilling between his teeth.
It was every bit as heavenly as he'd hoped for.
The room had been dimmed, the shutters closed and the lanterns above the dining table set to a meager golden glow, the only evidence of its existence reflecting within the paper confines. Even the sounds had been dulled, the only thing managing to escape through the cracks in the walls being the crickets outside — a pleasantry, rather than an annoyance.
The electric heater from the kotatsu warmed his skin ever so nicely, the blanket cocooning around his legs comfortingly. The pillows around him, too, made him feel safe and serene… though, admittedly, it made it harder to stay awake.
Just inches away, standing in the doorway, Mario lingered, tracing his fingers up and down the mahogony archway, his gaze avoiding Luigi's as he watched carefully.
It was strange to have him so quiet, Luigi thought amusedly as he dipped his rice into the stew. Normally, he and Mario would've been laughing hysterically at whatever had come to mind before cleaning up for the night. Minutes later, still, they would've been curled up on the couch; Mario with his games, Luigi with his books. Hours would pass before they would eventually retire to bed, ready to welcome a new dawn.
Not that night, however.
As nice as such things sounded, it simply was beyond them for now.
Still, Luigi couldn't bring himself to mind too much. Even the torturous thoughts that once plagued his mind heavily seemingly silenced themselves in Mario's presence.
In fact… all was quiet.
If there was any tangential comparison, he thought, the best he could find was white noise.
No sign of anything existing, past, present, or future. Worries, regrets, ruminations… all of it drowned within the silence.
… or was it exhaustion?
Either way, although he couldn't express such a thing directly, he couldn't help feeling relaxed as his mind came to a halt. It wouldn't last forever, he knew… but he would've given anything to not hear his own mind going to war against itself.
… still, he could've done without the pressing exhaustion it left with its absence.
"Lulu…?"
Luigi flinched as Mario spoke once more, earning a winced apology from the older brother as he ensured he was fully within view.
If there was anything the younger brother was appreciative of, it was him.
No matter how bad things got, or when his voice fell quiet, Mario never judged him. From the time they were young to now, it remained the same.
Ironic… the very same hands that had brought Bowser to his scaly knees were the ones ensuring Luigi felt safe and loved.
"Lulu…" Mario whispered again, this time keeping his movements and voice at a softened pace. "I'm gonna heat up your blanket in the dryer… just so ya have somethin' to snuggle up with when you're done. I'll be in the next room over."
Luigi's gaze landed on his brother's cheek.
"I'll still be here," Mario continued. "Take your time. No rush to finish your food. You got all the time ya need. It's okay."
Luigi shifted slightly.
"Do you need anything?"
Stars… he never thought he'd ask.
Luigi could feel his heart flutter slightly.
Steadily, he set his spoon down on the napkin to his left before slowly reaching an arm across the table towards his brother, wiggling his fingers slightly. Blearily, he let out a sigh, laying his head down atop his other arm, feeling his eyes starting to flutter shut.
Still, he managed to give Mario a small smile.
This time, no corrections needed.
Thankfully, Mario recognized the gesture. He let out a small huff of a chuckle before bringing his hand atop Luigi's, his warm palm causing his skin to prickle pleasantly.
Just as always, he kept his touches firm and grounded, knowing featheriness was his worst enemy, especially in states such as these. Luigi wasn't sure if he was imagining it, but he was certain he could feel his veins and arteries pumping warm blood to his fingers as he reassured him of his security.
"You're okay," Mario repeated, nodding along with his words. "You're okay."
And Luigi couldn't bring himself to disagree.
He wasn't sure how long he lay there, his vision fading to black as his eyelids slowly closed. His breaths puffed slow and warm against the fabric of his sweater, his chest steadily moving up and down as sleep overtook him.
He hardly noticed when Mario got up, giving his hand one final reassuring caress.
Once more, the crickets echoed within his ears, a soft lullaby of the night, he smiled sleepily. It seemed as though the universe had decided to cease its unforgiving tirade of hell for once, allowing serenity to flood its borders once more.
For the first time in what seemed like hours… Mario was right.
He was okay.
He would be okay.
