#tw relapsing

Alaska just finished one of her gigs in the U.K., and is currently riding her uber to her hotel. She is exhausted; the high of performing and bleeding theatrically onstage, which she very much loves, is already wearing off. She changed into Justin’s clothes, took off her wig and nails, since she will head back to the hotel alone, but opted to keep Alaska’s face on, too tired and impatient to head home. Home. A laughing Brian, all teeth and air and wailing and the smell of cigarettes, flashes in her head. But she halts that thought since she doesn’t get home for a week at least, or she might not get back home ever again.

 She feels exhausted, she can feel Alaska slipping away despite not completely dedragging yet. She feels Alaska dozing off, leaving Justin alone with his thoughts, thoughts of a very specific Russian transvestite hooker. She blames it on the silence of the ride, where his and her thoughts run wildly, not needing to filter them since he is alone. He wished Alaska had drunk, but he knows the rules, he put them up himself. But he just wished for tonight, he could be drunk. Justin rarely gets lonely, but these past few days have been heavy. It is a very rare occurrence, he has been used to traveling and touring, but there were days that he feels homesick. Fuck him for being a Pisces, needing constant companionship.

He doesn’t think of her coffee date with Aaron last week because he will think of the nearing wedding ceremony of Aaron and Chad, which will lead him to think of their dead cat, and then the T, and then that ex, and then those moments. He doesn’t want to think of them, so he thinks of a retired substitute math teacher, dying of lung cancer, that he might not ever see again, but he allows himself some happy thoughts. It’s kinda bittersweet. He thinks of how he got here.

It all started after he had been crowned as the All Stars 2 Winner which is accompanied by the title of the Queen of Snakes. He felt like everything was an epic rollercoaster, he had already peaked just to be continuously dropped downwards and downwards.  He felt very bad and undeserving of love and everything, and for a while, he thought he deserved that. But those were also the times where he is most thankful for his family, friends, and her fans, and surprisingly for Katya. They all defended her and supported him when some of her “fans” turned on her and went with the bullying of other fans, but again he thought he deserved that. Justin was hurt, and so was Alaska.

He apologized to Alaska, for hurting her and staining her reputation. But the Glamtron princess isn’t weak like Justin. She stood up, owned the title, made it her brand, and held her head up high. Sometimes Justin was thankful for Alaska, but at the same time, he wished that sometimes Alaska would hurt too, share his pain, so that Justin doesn’t have to carry it all by himself. Alaska would take all the praise, the glory, and she was like Justin’s child, so he would protect her, keep her from harm, he takes all the pain, so he set all his rules. But no matter what he does, however long the list of rules is, he can never be as perfect as Alaska, and he thinks that’s good. He doesn’t need it, but Alaska does.

It felt like a blessing in disguise. The flurry of all of his mishaps and hate had carried him, and he was lost in it, until Katya showed up, pulled him right into the eye of the storm, and it was peaceful. It felt right at that time, the storm was also about him not just her, he needs to be in the eye with Alaska, so that Alaska and him could be both at peace; he learned to be fair to himself. Justin did have a tendency to put people on a pedestal, and he needs to start breaking the habit. Katya said he could do it, and Brian helped him along the way. Even though they used to be rivals and weren’t very close, somehow Justin believed him, and he was glad he did.

//

“Care for a fucking?” Katya suddenly approached her as she entered Logo’s building, Justin thought maybe Katya just finished shooting an episode of UNHhhh, she was wearing her signature short frizzy blonde hair, a red, black, and white dress, her seemingly unending supply of eyeball jewelry, and her tiny hands; she’s at her prime, he notices.

Justin just laughs at the question, “What?”

“Well, the last meeting we had, it was stated as a fact in the PSA that your boyfriend was a total asshole. Thought I’d help.” Katya just shrugs.

“Ex-boyfriend, by the way, but no thanks, gallant friend, not today, I’ll call you when I can if the offer still stands,” Justin just entertains Katya’s weirdness, he thinks he’ll never get used to her, which is a nice and amusing thing.

“Alright, you can contact me through my dead dad by the beach, join me for my smoke break?”

Justin looks at Katya, quizzically, but just nods, and Katya smiles.

“Alright, Katy, what are you trying to do? Should I run now?” Justin said as Katya brought her at the parking lot, seemingly empty.

“No, I take my smoke breaks pretty seriously, just like how I take myself seriously, well” Katya says in a matter-of-factly character accent Justin had heard before but couldn’t quite name yet, as she lights a cigarette, tries to offer one to Justin, but Justin declined and opted to sit down as Katya crouched down, not trying to hide anything and letting her dress fall down.

“What a lady,” Justin comments.

“Augh! A lady? Woman, excuse me.” Katya corrects her, and Justin chuckles.

“Back to my point, where was I, Oh! Right, I am eccentric, but I do take myself seriously, and even though I seem like a very irresponsible person, I think I do know how to take care of myself, it’s just that I am kind of low maintenance, not really.” Katya was now staring at Justin, looking conflicted, as if asking for help. But Justin couldn’t help her, not when Justin doesn’t quite get Katya’s point either.

“Alright, my point is, apples and oranges, I don’t do dating, but oh mama, I would like to fall in love, honey, you know,” he looks at Justin, but Justin is still lost, “okay, back to my point, apples and oranges, God, this made sense in my head, I swear. I don’t do dating, not yet, but you should take yourself seriously as well. I mean… Maybe, actually, try and take yourself less seriously… Like, it’s not your fault, your boyfriend’s an asshole—ex-boyfriend, good riddance by the way!”

“Alright, alright, Katya, calm down, what’s the moral here, honey?” Justin cuts her off because even if Justin is entertained, he was also confused and very intrigued. Katya inhales from her cig.

“Well, you know, how Catholics have this proverb–”

“Now, you’re bringing Jesus up? Was this some sort of propaganda, a recruitment, a conversion of some kind?” Justin cackles, and Katya laughs with him, drops the almost finished cigarette stick, stomps on it.

“No, yeah, I just mean, let me finish, will you?” She looks at Justin challengingly, and Justin makes an action of literally zipping his mouth, then he bit his hand, Katya laughs for a bit and lights another cigarette, Justin gets a little concerned for her, “we have a proverb, and it goes like, when they throw you stones, throw them some bread,” Justin releases his hand to laugh at the saying, but Katya glares at her while trying to hold her laughter as well.

“Bitch, you promised, okay, well right now, that saying is bullshit, and I would like you to throw a boulder at him ablazed with fire and blades and all sorts of STDs.” Katya demonstrates the whole thing, with the aid of her cigarette.

“You know I’m not an angry person, also I am not your BFF, I also would like to apologize for calling you cold before, but yeah, my point is, if you would not do that, I am asking for your permission to allow me because not only did he spoil my favorite show, he also hurt my favorite.” Justin was taken aback by her last words. Katya was taken aback as well by her own words. “I may not be an angry person, but I am a passionate and compassionate woman, yes ma’am.” Katya adds as a sort of explanation.

Justin takes Katya’s cigarette, stood up, inhales a smoke, and exhales them. He watches the smoke that left his mouth, watched them disappear in the atmosphere, and thought of the consequences that single smoke had to the world, to other people. It seemed very metaphorical to him, like a euphoria, a sign, and he’s thinking too much, and he has to remind himself to gravitate back in the moment. How come Katya is always in the moment; it frustrates him, he looks down at Katya, and see that the queen had been staring at her. Katya smiles. The moment seems very poetic in a way the dissipating smoke, the cigarette from her “rival”, said “rival” consoling him in her own way, and how thankful he actually is, and how Katya actually helped him. She helped him, without him even knowing he needed help.

He wants to say a lot to Katya, questions to ask because he is confused as fuck, but for now he decides, he’ll give his own meaning to this moment. He’ll have fun on his own half of this story, this moment, he’ll give it his own meaning, since he thinks, it was intended to help him. Things had been—awkward, in a sense, between the two of them, but he wants to laugh and argue with Katya, and really be best friends with her, but for now, he says one thing:

“Thanks, Ca-tie-yuh,” he chuckles, as he still looks at Katya, mouth wide open, rolling her eyes.

He lets the cigarette stick fall down, as it is about to die, stomps on it, says something about Bro’Laska shooting as a farewell. And he looks back, and sees Katya staring at the sky, killing herself with a newly lighted stick. And he finds that some of the unnoticed weight has been lifted in his chest, along with the smoke, he exhaled.

He could hear Katya saying “Science,” in his head, and he let that thought stay there.

He did phone Brian later, and watched some of Katya’s performances when he has the time. And that’s how they found themselves in Justin’s hotel for the first time, full and bloated from room service, debating whether to watch Game of Thrones or Golden Girls. They watched the Golden Girls, since Justin claimed to be too tired to start a new series, especially one as complicated and interesting as GoT, and Brian let him win for now, but he said Justin owes him a slumber party per se, which Justin had agreed to.

They didn’t talk about the smoke break they had a while ago again that night, and Justin was thankful and contented. They fell asleep curled together in Justin’s bed. If he dreamt of white teeth, blue eyes, and smoker laugh, he silently wishes he had his alarm off, and if the future scares him, he pushes his worries aside along with his hopes of a future, and he dances around his insecurities for a bit; he’s not a dancer, but who said he couldn’t try.

They woke up together the next day, had breakfast together the next morning, discussing religion, science, love, cats and dogs, and the weather.

Katya recommended that Justin watch her webseries in YouTube, “Take a vacation from yourself. Every Friday with Katya,” the ending credits read, and Justin treated it as if reading a proverbial book like the bible or a Buddhist book. In some weird way, it did help Justin, and he has started to understand Katya more.

//

The uber pulled to a stop, in front of Justin’s hotel. He collected his stuff, and tipped the uber driver too much probably. The uber driver smiled at him, and Justin would be down and try to flirt because he is cute, tan, sexy, nice teeth, blue eyes, pretty well built, seems interested, except he’s no Brian, and Justin can’t, so he offered a polite smile back, turned around, sighed, and went in the hotel.

Justin has a complex relationship with hotels, he loves that they are impermanent, and hates the fact that somehow he is always in them, he feels impermanent, even though that’s not what his traveling implies, he still feels it, and he thinks he can never escape that thought. For a long time, he had wanted a home, he needed a home, not because he is homeless, not physically nor financially nor literally, but emotionally, probably. He is a living testament to the fact that Los Angeles doesn’t find you a home, it finds you jobs. And the jobs give him the hotels. Nevertheless, he misses home. He thinks of Brian. But instead of calling him, he opens the shower and gets in.

//

From then on Brian made it his business to know who Justin dated, who Justin had slept with, who is trying to get on his pants. He feels more involved in Justin’s sex and love life than his own. Brian had see to it that if he detests any of Justin’s “suitors,” he would scare them off. It was always either they got scared, or they go after what’s in his pants too, and that’s how Brian decides who’s good for Justin. As many as possible, he wants to get rid of all the race chasers in Justin’s life. It was like an automatic switch saying ‘must protect at all costs’ had switched on in his head. He doesn’t question much of the things he has on his head nowadays. He has learned to just surrender and stop making sense of everything in his head, not everything has to have reason.

“Oh, that guy looks like a race chaser,” Katya whispers into Alaska’s ear at a club once, when she noticed the alien princess was eyeing a man who had been reciprocating the looks.

“Shut up, don’t judge a book by its cover, he’s hot.” Alaska smirks and bats her eyelashes at the guy, about to walk to their direction.

“Oh yeah, I’m not judging a book by its cover, already been inside him, so”

“Oh god, I hate you.” Alaska then says shifting her attention to Katya alone, grabbing her arm and walking away from the man. Katya enjoys the attention, plus a race chaser removed from the list.

It is not even like Brian was attempting to make Justin celibate nor tarnish his name. And it is definitely not because Brian was trying to start something with Justin. Well, he wasn’t trying to start something now, he used to, more than once, tried, but that’s a different thing altogether.

He was doing his best to be subtle, but also terrifying to the men. So far, Justin hadn’t noticed it or maybe he did, but opted to not say anything. Nevertheless, it was a surprise to Brian how easy doing this had been. Justin doesn’t need to be with a lot of man, he learns. Brian could count in his one hand the number of guys he had scared away. He didn’t believe it at first, but then things had made sense for him. Justin just got over a relationship, or maybe he has always been this selective. He is busy and Brian wasn’t making it easier for men to come near him as well. He patted himself at the back, and cursed himself right away for doing so.

Brian wondered how his protectiveness had all begun, maybe it was because Justin just has something on him that brings out the protective side of everyone. Justin was Michelle’s baby, Justin was Sharon’s baby, he still was. Brian felt something weird at that thought, but he decided to ignore it. He and Justin had finally started becoming friends, and yes, his defensive side could root from his seemingly unhealthy crush on boy’laska that had been going on for a long while now. He blames it on the fan inside him that never seemed to go away, well, it wasn’t hard to know why he won’t either.

Brian’s thoughts are messy, moving on, competing against him hadn’t helped either. Seeing the epic tantrum live hadn’t help.

In a weird twisted way, which seems to be a very normal thing for Brian, seeing all those sides to Alaska and Justin, he had become more endeared. Some people would stop admiring someone when they got too close to see what’s really in there; however, for Brian’s case, an epic tantrum or ten couldn’t make him turn his back, it made him even more interested and fixated, as if not being able to keep his eyes away. Brian doesn’t see any problem with it for now, so he lets it be. Besides, they were finally becoming friends. Brian denies the fact that he’ s thinking of this a step closer to becoming something with Justin, something more. For now, he is contented.

Justin, of course, notices. He noticed how Katya and Brian’s presence had become a more constant thing in his life, how Brian seems to be a god of timing and always asks him to accompany him whenever he has a date or a seemingly interested trade around him. However, he chooses Brian anyways, so it’s not like he blames Brian if he hasn’t gotten laid for almost three weeks now. Brian’s company can never be bad for him. For now, he lets it be, albeit being confused.

They started to become closer the following shows, some promo for the currently airing All Stars 2, and the Christmas Queens tour also started, Justin would join Brian during his smoke breaks, although he had abstained from smoking, he knows how important Brian’s smoke breaks are for him, so Justin just brings his own pack of chocolates, usually they are from fans, while Brian finishes his pack of cigarettes. They talk about their plans after the tour, who Justin slept with, seeing, which is a rare topic since Justin had been lacking sexual encounters, Brian feels a bit guilty at that so he moves on to talk about a fan encounter, then the title Queen of snakes, then  geography, literature, Buddhist philosophies, music, the government, basically everything except what’s developing between them, in Justin’s case at least, sometimes Katya dances, and there were also times when they just sit at the pavement, enjoying the weather and the silent company of each other.

“You seem to have gained weight during this tour, Lasky,” Sharon approaches her once while they were preparing for their last show of the Christmas Queens Tour.

Alaska turned her head fast to look at Sharon, “Should I be concerned?”

Sharon chuckles then quickly replies, “No, baby, I mean you still fit your clothes alright,”

Justin was suddenly worried that maybe his carelessness would hurt Alaska once more, he tried to look back on all the chocolates he has finished, he thought of how he is getting older and his metabolism must be aging as well, and so he mentally organized a new diet plan and try out new routines. Katya could see that the comment had bothered Alaska, she had become silent looking in the mirror, so she decided to speak and distract the taller queen.

“I think it’s a good thing. Yes, no need to be worried. I was pretty concerned before that you are malnourished, and thank gawd that my smoke breaks made you eat chocolates. I should probably get on with that, tryna be sober by the grace of god himself, y’know. And maybe Greg would love some curves, it’s whateva” She said the latter part in her Trish accent, and everybody laughed, although the mention of a Greg made Alaska feel uneasy.

“Well, I’ll be sure to tell Greg when he’s out on parole that he’d be better off with me.” Ginger said after the laughter had died down, and Katya laughed again.

“Anyone would be better than Trish and her dumpster,” Sharon interjected, which made Katya laugh harder if that was even physically possible. Alaska would want to say something but she was confused and got stuck on a Greg.

“You all are too mean—too mean—too mean to my cousin,” Katya wheezed in between laughs.

“So… who’s Greg from Parole?” Alaska drawled beside Katya after she had calmed down, but the question made the Russian hooker laugh the loudest.

Alaska was genuinely confused now, she feels stupid, Justin feels stupid, she looked at Katya, then to everybody else, some were laughing, some were looking at her in disbelief as if saying gurl are you for serious. Well, Alaska would just want someone to answer her question.

“Wait, Lasky, baby, you really don’t know?” Sharon asked and Katya stopped laughing, and looked at Alaska. She frowned, the attention kind of made her a bit more self conscious.

“Yeah, I am for serious.” Alaska half drawled, half chuckled looking at everyone, “Are you dating someone and I did not know? I am offended, Miss Ka-tee-yuh.” She crossed her arms and did her half-pout, half-showing-all-her-teeth.

“AH! I am the offended one, Miss Thunderfun. Clearly I have mentioned Greg in my Trish videos.” And alright, Alaska feels stupid and embarrassed now.

“Oh,”

“Yeah, oh.” Katya just smirked at her.

“I thought Greg was, y’know, an actual guy,” Alaska tried to explain.

“Yeah, as if any guy, even someone from parole, would want this whore.” Ginger said as everyone went back to doing their own thing. Katya looks like she was about ready to defend herself when Alaska spoke up.

“Well, my roommate and my friends all want Katya, I mean” at that Katya looks at her “Oh, thank you! Joanne, I forgive you.” Katya runs to her with her arms wide open, ready to hug.

“And by your roommate and your friends, you don’t happen to mean your dear friend, Justin, now, don’t you Alaska?” Ginger tried and Katya stopped just as she was about to hug Alaska to look at Ginger, Alaska was taken aback, so she just chuckled and replied jokingly, “Well, I mean a princess- a queen rather- should be generous and giving, so,” she looks Katya from head to toe as if assessing her and continues, “so I wouldn’t mind, I think,” she smirked as she drawled out the last words. “OH! Is that an actual invitation, Margaret” Katya said too enthusiastically, looking really interested, and suddenly Alaska was too aware of how close Katya was in her vicinity.

The scene garnered laughs and some all hail my queen and some that’s why you’re not my queen, mostly from Ginger, a thank you kiss in the cheek from Katya, and a concerned gaze from Sharon.

“Alright, lesbians, show starts in 10 minutes, hurry up. Everyone complete? Feeling okay?” Michelle asked them, breaking everyone’s laughs, “I am ready, eager, and willing!” Katya answered. And just like that, Alaska feels the mood in the room change, and they have been on lots of shows together, but it never ceases to amaze Justin, the exact moment where their alter egos completely take over, and it’s all fun and sweat and jokes and artistry. Almost like Hakuna Matata.

The show went great, the numbers weren’t flawless but they are great, and the audience was all in for it, and that was great. Katya and Alaska’s banter was amazing, and everyone could feel their chemistry working for the greater good. Everyone noticed and they were all sold.

They did their final group number, thanked the audience, and had a quick photoshoot with everyone. For some reason, Katya and Alaska were extra close and clingy to each other, but Alaska has no problem with it, but maybe some have.

After the show they all and went their own ways. Alaska dedragged, took off his outfit and hair, put on some plain black sweatshirt and a pair of black Zara jeans, but he kept her mug on. He decided that he has time to do an aftershow and looked around for people to join him. He tried for the upper floor, expecting to see a Russian hooker, but failed to see one.

“Hiiieee, I’m doing the after show, would you like to join me?” he asked the crowd upstairs. But only got a collection of “Oh, honey, sorry I’m tired.” “Maybe someone else is fitted at doing it with you?” “Sweetie, sorry, but I want to go sleep.” “I can’t appear there I’m too drunk,” “too high,”

“Oh, that’s alright. Thank you.” he replies politely and looks around for someone else, possibly more willing. He thinks that maybe it is because of the recent All Stars 2 drama that’s why some of the Ru girls wouldn’t want to appear at her After Show. But he shoves all those thoughts at the back of his mind, and continues to look for someone.

He spots Sharon beside a window, Sharon spots him as well, and he waves. He approached Sharon as she puts down a call.

“Who was that?” Justin asks.

“Chad, just asking how I am,” Sharon gives Justin a tight smile.

“Oh, that’s good to hear, he’s taking care of you.”

“Yeah, well I’m pretty low maintenance,”

“Yeah right, gurl, low maintenance, you mean you’re just like y’know, a handful,” Justin’s mockery earns a slap in the arm from Sharon, and they both laugh.

“So what is it?”

“Oh yeah, would you like to do an after show with me?”

“You didn’t do it with Katya?”

“Oh, well, I haven’t seen her yet.”

“I think she’s downstairs, I saw her before going up, looking for better reception.” Sharon tells him.

“You mean you don’t want to do it with me?”

“No, not really, just, I know you Lasky, you want to be with Katya.” Sharon tells Justin the things he’s been avoiding to admit, and it just makes Justin feels uneasy; how well Aaron can still read him, and usually he’ll be thankful, but sometimes, it just rubs off on him the wrong way, like rubbing salt on still open wounds, he wasn’t aware he still has, or he had just numbed himself and forced himself to believe he is okay. Sometimes, it’s just a slap on the face how he still hasn’t completely moved on, and he thinks he never will, and he convinces himself that it’s okay, but it’s just frustrating to him to see Aaron doesn’t have that problem.

“Yeah, okay, maybe I want to be with Katya, or maybe you just don’t want to be with me.” Justin accuses Sharon, and he feels stupid.

“Lasky, baby—” Sharon starts.

“No, don’t call me that.”

“I’m sorry, Justin.” And just like that, the way Aaron says his name, it has changed, Justin doesn’t fear it anymore, he breathes, he hadn’t realized he had been holding his breath. This change, he finds doesn’t hurt him like he expected it would. He had overreacted, and he tries to understand why.

“God, I’m sorry. That was stupid.” Justin apologizes, Sharon looks at him, concerned, “I just, I don’t know what happened.”

“So, Katya, huh? Maybe we should start talking with her.” Sharon offers.

“Well, okay. Shut up,” Justin tries his voice, and looks at Sharon, Sharon just hums, encouraging him to proceed.

“It happened after that ex, not you, but you know.”

“The ex who shall not be named,” Sharon nods, and Justin laughs a little at that.

“Well, we had a moment, she gave me like a euphoria—no more like, an enlightenment while all those shit had been happening. It just helped me, and I feel indebted to her, and I kind of admired her from then on.” Justin tries to explain. Now, that he is saying it, it had been months since he realized he was interested in Brian. Maybe that’s why he was also having less sex and less satisfying sex, in his side, at least. He sighs, and tried to go back to his point, “well, yeah that’s about it with her, and just recently, I think some of the queens have been avoiding me due to the drama that had transpired during All Stars. But she doesn’t, although, you know, I can already hear the people saying, Katya was robbed, but she doesn’t steer away from me, and he’s just too fucking nice, and attractive.” Justin groans, feeling stupid and hopeless, rambling to his ex and bff.

Sharon just laughs, “Lasky, baby, I’m sure that you don’t really need my help, but I am here to support you, and you know, if it helps, I am always on your side, alright,” Sharon kisses his forehead, at that. Justin feels comfort and nostalgia, but he doesn’t feel a leap in his heart, he is not in love with Aaron. He smiles at Aaron, saying thanks, but what he did not see was Katya looking, passing by them, just at that moment.

“And Justin, you are a stubborn, passionate, and a competitive twink, if you know you want something, I’m sure you would get it, or you know, I’m sure you don’t let opportunities pass you by. It’s just how it is. Also, you’re rich, you have a college degree, and you’re gorgeous, so get up and do that after show” Justin laughs at how stupid they both are, but he does stand up to leave, and look for a Russian hooker.

“Thank you, Aaron.” He smiles one last time before walking away.

He went to the floor below, and he did find Katya, but she seemed to be calling someone or filming. She was doing some stretching and some talking about her jellies and good fashion, Justin watched her from afar for a while before approaching her.

She was talking about some tips on learning other languages when Justin approached her.

“How many diseases do you have? Well, mental or physical, there’s too many to list.” Katya says, her eyes not leaving the screen. Justin enters the frame, and Katya introduces him as Ricardo, and they threw jokes for a little bit. Justin read the things written on the screen, and understood that Katya is doing some sort of live.

“I have to do an aftershow,” Justin says, “Do it,” Katya immediately says.

“None of the girls upstairs want to do it with me,”

“I’ll do it.”

Justin tongue pops at that, he gets his phone and they had fun, recording live the recording of an aftershow, with none other than, Katya Zamolodchikova, is sure to be a great experience.

They recorded their newly practiced dance routines, talked about Courtney’s wigs and other things Katya’s wearing that was borrowed, Katya did some dancing and tried to teach Justin how to do the splits, and they just had a lot of fun.

Katya proceeds to list things she claims to learn about Alaska that day, and Justin doesn’t get most of it, so he becomes open about his confusion, and Katya seems to be enjoying herself, so for now, Justin is contented.

“Listen, we are becoming friends, and that’s a good thing,” Katya leans in and so does Justin, Katya pull Justin into a half embrace, while she speaks and Justin pulls off funny, kissy faces to the camera.

“Yeah, it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander,” Justin adds,

“Yeah, and it’s also good for the general public.” And Justin agrees. Katya is indeed one of the most terribly kind person he’s ever met, and he feels grateful for meeting her.

He thinks for a while, trying to digest Katya’s words, and he laughs, “what does that mean?”

“I don’t know, I had too many milk and cookies,” Katya answers, Justin treasures the conversation, nonetheless. And they were back at their stupid jokes again.

Justin tried to compliment Katya as a dancer, but he wasn’t sure if he should mention All Stars yet, so he didn’t. Justin just enjoyed the show Katya is doing, and just spending time with her. This is something that Justin wishes he always had. Katya, spending time with her, hearing Katya’s smoker laugh, making Katya laugh the loudest; Fuck, he wants Brian. And again, fuck him for being a longing, clingy, addicted Pisces. Then he thinks, Brian is a Taurus, are Pisces and Taurus a good match.

Katya is now laughing, and her laugh pulls back Justin in the moment, Justin tries to understand her humor and tries to impress her by riding her shticks and jokes, he’s proud to say he gets most of it, but he still worries he might be wrong. But he pushes the fears aside and tries to have fun. Then they talked about Gia Gunn’s and Laganja’s music for a while until Justin’s phone battery charge is extremely low and they decided to end the recordings, they said their goodbye’s to both cameras.

“Okay, say goodnight Courtney,” Justin puts Katya in the frame once more, “Good Night,” Katya says in either a terrible or a practiced accent, Justin couldn’t decide yet.

“Bye,” they both say.

“Well, that went well,” Justin says after he pockets his phone.

“Yeah, yeah, that was fun.” Katya chuckles for a bit.

“So, um yeah, um,” Justin feels stupid once more, all his confidence from talking to Sharon suddenly overpowered by the fear of losing this, this easy atmosphere with Katya. He is torn between not wanting to risk losing this and wanting more with Katya. She doesn’t know what, but she was probably about to do something stupid, thankfully Katya spoke first.

“Hey, you still owe me a Game of Thrones Marathon,” Justin stares dumbstruck at Katya, “I mean, just saying, we only have a few shows left, so,” Katya offers.

“Absolutely,” Justin drawls in her Gia Gunn voice, “I thought you’d never ask,” Justin wasn’t sure if that was just him or Katya seemed a little bit nervous as well. She chuckled and accidentally dropped her phone in the process.

Justin hurriedly went down to pick it up, and before he was able to get up, Katya grabbed the side of his face, kissed his temple, grabbed her phone, and said “I’ll see you later, Ricardo,” Justin immediately looks up, but Katya was already walking away. Justin looked around, confused, but also red as fuck. He can feel his face burning, but he chuckles anyway because Katya is confusing both sexually and emotionally, and Justin? Justin is sold.

//

Justin had finished his shower; he looks at the wall clock.

2: 13 a.m.

 He was starving.

He contemplated either ordering room service, calling Chipotle, or looking for the nearest 7/11. 7/11 always remind him of Brian, but he chooses the first one because he was too beat.

He ordered a salad and some vegetarian pizza; he was too tired to pick properly. He had some time to waste while waiting, so he closed his eyes for a bit, feeling exhaustion creep on him. He allowed himself a nap, figuring, his hunger won’t let him sleep that long and deep.

//

“You know; I would make all the snake emojis stop if I could. Although I did try,” Brian says too seriously for Alaska’s liking backstage while wiping away the last traces of Katya’s mascara, after a promo gig for All Stars they did together.

Alaska just laughs and focused on removing a very persistent nail, “yeah, but unfortunately you do not have the hypnotizing powers of the queen of snakes,” Brian now stares at her for a good few seconds, and Alaska had to look up and stop tugging at the nail, she appreciated Brian’s baby blues.

“I am serious here, Alaska.”

A beat. “I figured that out ,mama, thank you, but I am fine,” she tried ending the conversation there and return to tugging and biting off her nails when necessary.

She thought Brian had dropped the topic, but then she was being pulled around to face Brian. “Yeah? So then why are you not making any effort to remove Alaska? You know we’ll be heading out to dinner in a few minutes.”

Alaska was surprised by what Brian was implying. “It’s just- these nails are hard to pull off.” She drawls to try and lighten the mood.

“Well then, you wouldn’t mind if I help you wipe her away?” Brian says removing Alaska’s hair and setting it down at his now cleaned up desk.

“Um, yeah sure. Thanks.” Alaska hesitates for a second after pulling her final nail, but then Brian traps her by sitting on her lap.

“Well, I guess I’ll just enjoy this private show since you’re so eager, Mr. McCook.”

 Brian laughs at that, “Hard to break old habits, Mother” He adds in his Maureen voice and proceeded to wipe Alaska off, and let Justin breathe.

“I am sorry; you know that right?” Brian starts again, as he is now applying makeup remover to Alaska’s whole face.

 Alaska groans, the makeup remover is slightly warm on her face, she feels sticky, “I know, and it’s not even your fault–”

“It’s not your fault too,” Brian says, wiping away the now mixed, mashed, and messy make up colors on Justin’s face, hoping his doubts and insecurities would be wiped away along with it too.

“Except it is,” Justin contests which made Brian stop, and Justin opens his eyes now, which he immediately regrets, he could suddenly feel the sting in his eyes, he glances in the mirror beside them to avoid Brian’s blues, and he saw himself, Justin, free of the black and blue colors, uglier.

“You do not deserve any of that, Justin. I know it, and you should too” Justin was not prepared for the use of his own name, Brian grabs his face gently and forces Justin to look at him instead, everything suddenly felt too intimate, Justin wants to run and hide, but Alaska is no longer there.

Justin felt bare and ugly and he wants nothing but to either disappear or cry. He does the latter.

“Ahh, hall of famer, a crybaby. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Justin rambled repeatedly as he tried to cover his face and stop himself from crying. But Brian takes his arms away and pulls him in his chest, “Sshhh, I know, and it’s not even your fault,” Brian drawls in an attempt to mimic Alaska just moments ago, but his embrace got tighter, and he started showering Justin’s head with kisses. Justin clings back.

When they break apart, Justin clings on to one of Brian’s arms, for support and, well, for other reasons. He looks into Brian’s blues and somehow gets lost in them, he wishes he could send the gratitude across.

“Usually, I can deal with it. I’ve learned how to, but, I just—like, you suddenly brought all these emotions within me, and I just lost it.”

“Are they hot and bothered emotions? I mean, I’ve always been open and experimental, I could do with a snake once—”

“Shut up, I thought we were having a moment. Will you let me finish?” Justin mock glares at Brian, and Brian makes a zipping motion with his hands.

“I’ve learned to own up to my mistakes, grow from them; it’s a work in progress, you know. But these days have just been terrible. I was expecting backlash, but not to this extent.  I haven’t talked to anyone about it, except for you.” Brian slides his arm to reach Justin’s hand now.

“To be perfectly honest, I am disappointed at some of your fans, I am a real fan, and I guess my opinions matter more since I am a fan, a colleague, a rival, and I could probably say I know you, and you know, you’re still my favorite.” Brian said, and then after a few moments of silence, he cracks an awkward and a nervous smile towards Justin, trying to get a response from him.

Justin had to laugh at that because Brian looks awkward, the timing is awkward, their positions are awkward, but he gets what Brian was trying to do. Usually Justin doesn’t understand Brian and Katya, but this time, it was hard not to get it. He wiped off his tears, pulled away from the hug, allowed a few beats of slience then sighed, “God, that was exhausting, I don’t feel like going out with the other girls now,” Justin says the confident drawl back on now.

“Alright, I’ll go tell them, so where do you wanna go?” Brian asks surprising Justin; he could probably never get used to Brian.

“Uhh, to my hotel, I guess, why?” Justin thinks, “Alright, I’ll just go te–” Just as Brian was about to stand from being sat on Justin’s lap, Joshua enters, with slight traces of Ginger on his face; he had probably hurried to dedrag to go out with the other girls.

“What’s taking you bitches too long—Oh, sorry?” Brian laughs and successfully stands up, Justin had to assist him since he was flailing a lot.

 Justin just gives Joshua a small smile, nearing apologetic. “I’ll just change my clothes,” Justin excuses himself as Brian calms down.

Justin walked away while Joshua asked what just happened. He did not need to hear what Brian had to say, he allowed him to have fun and get creative with his share of the story.

“So what was that about?” Joshua asked as he watched Justin walk away, then returns his confused gaze at Brian.

 “Nothing, really, I just helped Justin dedrag since he was taking forever, and gave him a much deserved show in the process to let him know how much I appreciate him and worship him.” Brian said raising his leg to a near 180 degree to emphasize his point.

Joshua just shakes his head, “I’m not gonna push further, since you are a stubborn old woman capable of thought, even though you are not completely rational. But, just be careful, Bri, you have a tendency to put people on pedestals or just you know, you can’t take care of yourself, that’s why you hate children, remember? Violet. Chachki. And well, you might have a type, but Alaska’s—Justin’s kind of like Jason, don’t you think?”

Brian looks offended for a second, “Thank you, I love keeping myself on my toes, it’s how I stay fit,” Brian moans and does a pose and smooches before laughing hysterically, but Joshua just glares at him and so Brian continues, “But um Justin is not like Jason. He’s actually the one who has the tendency to put people on pedestals, y’know, I mean with Sharon and all that, but not just with her. And maybe that’s why we’d be good for each other.” Brian pulls off a weird smile, and Joshua just looks at him at that.

 “OH! by the way, we are no longer coming with,” he suddenly remembers, he was just thankful he had something to steer away from the topic.

“What?! All this wait for nothing?” Joshua grunts and gives Brian a disbelieving look, “Well, we are complex female women worth the wait, mawma” Brian shrugs and pulls off his tongue pop-drop combo.

Justin returns and joins the two of them, hair uncombed, wearing a Black Divine shirt, black jeans from Zara, Dickies shoes, and he is wearing his glasses. Brian thinks Justin looks miserable, exhausted, but very edible.

 He also realized he had been staring when Joshua cuts his train of thought off, “Alright, lesbians, we’re gonna go ahead, have a good fuck!” he said as he walks off.

“Of course, I’ll be sure to tell you first all the gruesome details later!” Brian shouts back just before Joshua disappears from the hallway.

Justin looks at him, confused, “I told him we won’t be going,” as if to answer Justin’s question.

“We? So you’re not coming with them?” Justin looked even more confused as he combed his hair by his fingers, his fingers are very long and lean and his hair looked smooth and soft, Brian wanted to put both things into his mouth. He pushed that thought aside, and backtracked on Justin’s question.

“Well, I can’t leave you now, I have taken you under my custody, dearest Joanne Elizabeth Thunderfun.” Justin laughs at that, albeit still confused.

“You don’t have to do this, Katya. I’m fine.”

“I want to, unless, do you not want me to?

“Alright, mother, where to?” Justin sighs, playing along with Brian.

 “I thought you said your hotel?”

“Please, I wouldn’t wanna bore you,”

“OH! I could never bored because I am always in my company, Margaret!”

“Well, alright, I’ll call an uber.”

They didn’t speak during the uber ride. They paid half of the uber ride, since Brian insists that dating shouldn’t make any special financial expectations, plus, since, they are both grown-up financial successes.

“So, is this finally a date, Mr. McCook? Pretty bold move, taking a lady into a hotel for the first one,” Justin teases, once they were inside the elevator.

“Oh, darling, it is anything you want it to be, it might be the last one, so we gotta make sure, we get the most out of our date, don’t we?” Brian winks at him, using his old man accent. They both laugh at that. “I mean I don’t know, you tell me what you want this to be,” Justin could feel the atmosphere turning into a frighteningly serious one, at that moment, but then Brian adds, “I’m just the hooker after all, your wish is my command.” As Brian traps Justin into the elevator, the doors open in their floor, and some passengers get in, they got out, laughing.

“God, I feel like I’m in high school or something,” Justin says after they have calmed down. Brian wheezes at that, but instead of waiting for him to calm down, Justin grabs Brian’s sweaty hands, and brings him to his room.

Justin didn’t waste any moment, he pinned Brian by the wall, grabbed both his arms above his head, and whispered into his ear, “Well then, Kitty Kat, darling, here’s what I want.” A pause. Justin makes sure to look straight into Brian’s eyes. “Own me, tell me what to do, you decide, I’m leaving everything up to you.” Justin could see it, the point when lust consumes Brian’s eyes, he’s sure he’s pretty much the same. Whatever was building up between them culminates here. Justin hopefully gets an answer to some of his questions, and he is erratic just at the thought.

Justin was about to kiss Brian, but then the older man speaks and Justin could feel his breath in his lips, “Watch Contact and chill?” Justin was shocked and contemplated whether Brian was joking or not. He halted completely and abruptly. He looked at Brian disbelievingly for a long moment.

This was the time when Justin takes Brian’s offer of a fucking that day in Logo. This was the time when Justin wanted Brian’s help in this aspect, to clear things and feelings up, an escape, probably a key to a future with Brian, and Brian offers to watch Contact with him.

Justin feels rejected. The way Brian rejected him was very Brian. Maybe that was his answer, but he studies Brian’s face again, and sees something there. Then, Justin decides, he can wait for Brian.

Then Justin remembers how he cried to Brian a while ago, and Justin got what he was trying to do. He trusts the smaller queen.

Brian did not want to take advantage of him, and risk their friendship. Brian was just as scared. And his action spoke volumes now.

Were they in a different situation, Brian would have jumped on Justin already. They wouldn’t be having this conversation. No words would have even been spoken. By now, Brian would probably be already eating him out; however, this was Alaska. It was Justin. This was the moment Brian had dreamed and drooled about. He remembers watching Alaska from afar, pre- drag race, in front of a screen, in the corners of a crowded club, in his wet dreams, just to wake up and masturbate on said dream. This was an opportunity to make his fantasies come true. The waist he has longed to embrace, the lips he has longed to kiss, the neck he had stared at for hours long, the legs he imagined to weigh on his shoulders, the man he had longed to worshipped; he was there, all right in front of him, like a prize dangling, waiting for him to grab; however, this was also Justin.

The mastermind behind the uncrackable and untouchable Alaska, whom he had admired, and still do. The man who made focusing on All Stars very difficult for him. The man who hid behind Alaska. The human boy who hid behind the alien princess. The broken boy who Brian saw fall apart a while ago. No matter how confident Alaska was, Justin could never erase the hurt boy inside him; it would always be there, and Brian witnessed him about an hour ago. Brian saw Justin, and he knew he cannot further break the already fragile boy.

Were it on a different context, if Justin had invited him, he wouldn’t even have to think about it. Justin would not even need to ask. However, right now, Brian wants to take care of him in a different way, and so he does that and admits that to Justin, minus the masturbation and the creepy stalker parts.

Brian released Justin’s grip on his arms and kissed Justin’s knuckles. “I’m sorry, what a bummer, right, but I swear, I don’t usually prefer Contact over sex, especially if the sex is from a gorgeous Glamazonian Princess, but this is– different.” Brian doesn’t say special because he doesn’t want to freak Justin out, but this was special, for him at least. “This movie just has a lot of meaning to me,” Brian chuckles at that, “and it has helped me before, and I don’t know, it might help you.” I want to help you, Brian looks at Justin’s eyes, still holding his hands on his, and kisses them again.

Justin trusts Brian.

“Alright,” Justin concedes, and Brian smiles at him. Justin was glad he agreed. “I did say lead the way, Dr. Arroway.” Brian slaps him at his joke while laughing uncontrollably.

Justin thinks he didn’t lose, he had a lot of questions answered tonight.

They had finished watching Contact, which for a sci-fi movie tugs more at the spiritual and emotional strings of the audience. Justin thinks Brian had cried, but who was he to judge, it was a good movie. Maybe Brian completed the experience, so Justin might be a bit biased, but it’s fine, he thinks.

“I would like to thank the Goddess, Rupaul, that someone, not just someone, but a favorite of mine, had finally finished Contact with me.” Brian smiled at him then after the end credits rolled.

Justin finds it funny, Brian with some tear stains, thanking Rupaul just because Justin watched Contact with him, so Justin laughs, “Don’t tell me no one has watched Contact with you before?” Justin challenges Brian, but Brian shakes his head, “Not even Trixie?”

“Especially not her.” Brian says, “OH! She probably hates me just for bringing it up, yep, that’s a fact.”

“Well, you do have a tendency to be weirdly persistent and addicted,” Justin drawls, and Brian slaps him in the arm then laughs.

“Oh! Hard to break old habits, sweetie, and you know that too. Besides, you should be consoling me, and not justifying her choices. Don’t tell me you don’t think it’s a good spiritual movie about finding God, romance, family, and science and dead fathers by the beach.” Brian says while rubbing the area in Justin’s arm he slapped.

“Well if it wasn’t, it’ll be an awful waste of time,” Justin smirks while giving it his best Palmer Joss accent.

Brian’s face lit up, “AMEN! See this is what I mean, there would be more inside jokes after watching Contact, people would get me more. Trixie and I would make more money, and we don’t have to treat my obsession to it like a pitiful disease, Barbara!”

“Clever girl,” Justin laughs loudly at his terrible Haiden impression, and Brian joins him.

“I need a smoke,” Brian says after he had calmed down. “Can I do it at your shower, I’d like to take a shower as well, mawma.”

“Yeah, go ahead, I’ll lay here and contemplate what I’ve watched for a while longer. I’m still expecting to have that life changing realization to dawn over me.” Justin replies.

“I’m expecting a five-paged essay on how the movie had impacted your life by the time I am out. Good luck, and don’t fuck it up!” Brian starts with his Ru impression.

“There’s a reason why Ru impersonation is Trixie’s thing, not yours,” Justin teases and Brian just slams his face with a pillow, and Justin just laughs. Once he removes the pillow on his face, Brian is already by the bathroom door, who seemed to be arranging something. Justin grabs his phone and snaps a photo of Brian, candid and distracted.

 Brian was pretty dark in the photo since the bathroom lights were very bright, but Justin loved the shot nevertheless. He decided to send it to the AAA girls group chat. When no one replied, Justin closed the chat, thinking that his friends were probably on a gig or are getting laid. He sighs.

He looks at the clock, 2:13 a.m.

It’s pretty late, but he has a day off tomorrow. Justin wasn’t sure about Brian’s schedule though. He feels physically exhausted, but his brain is very much alive. And it’s killing him. He tries to look back on how his day went. Lights, crowds, friends, gifts, fans, lights, Brian. Brian. Brian. Stupid Brian and his Contact.

Justin chuckles, but then he remembers what led them to watch Contact, and Justin had set rules. Rules that he knows are supposed to keep him and Alaska safe and sane. But for now, he decides to break one.

Justin opened his Instagram and twitter again, he viewed Katya’s congratulatory message, and cried. Katya included a picture of Alaska wearing, what seemed to be Trish’s wig. He stared at the picture for too long, debating whether to scroll down or not, as he was about to scroll down, Brian appears in one of his ‘your-makeup- is-terrible’ shirt and boxers and grabs his hands.

“Promise me not to do this to yourself anymore.” Brian sounded angry and strict. He slowly pries the phone away from Justin’s slender fingers, wipes away his tears, he forgot he shed, and hugs him. Brian smelled like cigarettes, green apples, mint and sandalwood. Justin doesn’t know what sandalwood smells like actually, but he thinks it fits Brian, he seems very stable and earthy and woody and dependable, in a calming way. Something like makes you feel at home, like maybe a wooden house, a cabin, with those cozy lightings, lots of ventilation, with a fire pit, and comfortable pillows, cushions, and carpets, and really mellow sepia-ish lights. Justin thinks he wants that as a home.

“You were quick.” Justin tries to change the topic.

“I had to get a new stick.” Brian knows what Justin is doing, but he won’t let him this time. Not around him, never, so he sits and continues to look Justin in the eye.

“I just—Thank you, Kat.” Justin sighs in the hug, and he wanted to cry again, but he stops. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, bitch. I’m not an angry person, but this makes me angry.” Brian pulls away from the hug and Justin misses his scent and presence already, “You should be celebrating, you should be happy… is my presence making it harder for you?” Brian suddenly realizes, and Justin immediately shakes his head, and grabs his hands.

“No, I’m glad you’re here, with me. I don’t know why I’m extra sensitive today,”

“Are you on your period?”

“I’ve taken my pills, mother!” Brian squeals at that, Justin can make Brian laugh for some reason. No matter what Justin or Alaska says, there is a 98% chance Brian would laugh at it. Luckily, Justin is kinda liking how Brian’s laugh sound despite it sounding alarmingly unhealthy.

“Thank you for putting up with me, a brat. Really, Brian Joseph McCook, thank you.” Justin assures Brian by drawing circles inside his palm and just caressing them, “thank you for providing me the best services, I’d be sure to call you again once I want a hooker.” Justin proceeds to kiss his palm, and Brian can’t help but laugh at that, and he hugs Justin and they eventually tumble down the bed.

They stayed there, just laying down, in each other’s embrace. Justin fell asleep first, too tired to stay awake, thinking he could never want anything more. He could never get tired of Brian, and he wishes Brian doesn’t get tired of him too.

Brian hates children, but for some fucked up reason, he wanted to protect and care for this brat. He doesn’t think about it too much, and decides it must be because of maternal instinct, since he is in fact an actual woman.

Justin woke up to a note saying Brian had to leave for a flight to Rio, and Justin smiled upon seeing that beside it is a glass of orange juice with another note attached to it saying, “an orange a day because it’s god’s (rupaul) favorite, and it’s the new black, mama. You can contact me by looking for the statics.” Justin had to laugh at Brian’s dorkiness.

He took a picture of the notes and the orange juice and sent it to Brian, “This’ll do as compensation for last night.”

He was notified that Willam and Shane had replied to his photo.

William: Who’s the trade girl

Caughtney: Isn’t that Katya

W: Really?

Justin replied, “Yeah, we were together last night.”

W: Cool, he’s good, real sport, very attentive, we shared a dick once

C: I’ve always known he is generous and giving to charities

W: So you’re saying Lasky’s a charity

A: We didn’t do anything

C: No, Will. What do you mean?

W: He denied you the dick?

C: But gave to Willam oh

W: Bitch shut up, you’re just jealous

A: No, yes, but

Justin contemplated on what to say. It’s not like Brian had rejected him. Brian had respected him and taken care of him, in a different way. He sits up, takes the notes, folds them and slips them into his phone case.

W: Girl is this a problem

C: I’ll be with him tonight, want me to beat him up?

W: Yeah bet you’d like that Court, beating up for you probably means fuck him for Alaska as a revenge

C: Lasky, you just need to ask

A: You whores! No and no.

A: It was kind of a rough night

W: How is that possible without the fucking

A: Really, girl

A: We didn’t do anything besides watch Contact and cuddle

Willam and Shane had stopped replying after that, and he got a reply from the devil herself.

Katy: I thought we had established last night as a successful soul searching event

Justin smiles at the message he received; he thinks of a reply as he sips on his orange juice. The juice had bits of pulps, he replies:

A: Was the orange juice freshly squeezed?

He got an instant reply.

K: Yes, I didn’t know what you’d like, princess, I apologize.

Justin thinks he could get used to Princess.

A: Well then, consider it a success.

A: btw what’s your permanent address?

K: Oh, the hotel room don’t seem enough for our next session?

A: yes I would like to have another and a more private session, please

Justin hopes that doesn’t scare Brian, and as he was typing his sorry, I’m kidding message, he got Brian’s address, with a see you there and a set of well selected emojis, as a reply.

K: Can I ask why you really asked for it

A: I thought you liked surprises, go home, and see for yourself.

Justin leaves it at that. He proceeds to google where is the nearest post office from his hotel.

//

Justin opens his eyes upon hearing a knock on his door. He let the staff enter and deliver his food, thankful that the person does not recognize him or if they did, opted not to gush on him. Most times, Justin would appreciate fans and let them take photos even if it meant pausing a personal conversation with his mom; however, there were days when Justin wasn’t Alaska, and wanted to be away from all that in the moment.

The staff asks him if he needs anything else, he says no and thanks them by tipping them.

Justin passes by the mini vault he brings with him which contains all of the mails and postcards Brian had sent him over the months. He still looks at them when he needs some encouragement and motivation. Katya’s web series episodes were motivational enough; however, he treasures these more personal ones. He sees the staff out and caught a glimpse of the hallway of the hotel. He wasn’t able to look at it a while ago, but the walls were covered in white and the whole floor was carpeted.

I want to kiss you in a hallway in Aspen.

He shuts the door, and sits down to eat.

As he was eating the pizza, he tries to remember when did the letters he receives in his home had become letters from home. He thinks of when did home became a pair of blue eyes surrounded by black eye shadow and a set of perfect pearly white teeth.

//

The snow outside looked so white and pristine, just like a certain Russian hooker’s teeth, which is in full display now, as he is gritting them through the cold or maybe laughing at a joke Alaska just made. Either way, Alaska wanted to give him warmth ASAP. The man is dying, he needs it more than her.

Everyone saw what happened in Aspen. It was well documented by their snaps and Instagram stories. They had a lot of fun. They had finished a whole set of activities, contests, performances, and shoots and an After Show in a cable ride together. Alaska and Katya had enjoyed each other’s company. They know they have great chemistry, and they have grown really really close. Everyone could see their chemistry and everyone was feeding off of it. Aspen was a well documented trip, except it’s really not, and no one knew what happened outside of those videos, not even Alaska nor Katya.

They are currently waiting at the hotel lobby, so Alaska decides to stick beside Katya, and flush their bodies as much as possible without it being too uncomfortable.

The sudden contact and warmth had surprised the smaller queen, but it wasn’t unwelcomed. She was grateful actually more than anything. This has been a dynamic that had developed within their interactions. Katya first attempted to offer help and take care of Alaska, and of course she reciprocated it.

Katya learned that in a weird and unexpected way, it was natural for Alaska to take care of others. Maybe it had been more evident before during Sharon and her reign as the royal couple, probably one of the factors as to why they broke up. Alaska may have a tendency to put people on a pedestal, before maybe, but that’s not really none of Katya’s business. Now, she just thinks of it as women supporting women, and that’s wonderful, involves no blurred thoughts and feelings, less complicated, easier. But Katya cannot really deny the attraction that she has been developing for the other queen. Of course, she just wanted to fuck her. Hell, they almost got to it before. She was a huge fan of Alaska, even before Katya entered drag race. She still is, despite her view and knowledge on the alien princess expanding, she still admires her. The intense admiration, almost like hero worship, going on before may have been replaced with an actual good, healthy, and solid friendship.

Alaska had grown prettier and prettier every year, more refined. Katya could really see the growth of the queen. Before, she might say she would be jealous of the queen, but now, she had seen what Alaska had gone through, how mush shit Justin had to put up with. She now has access to the growth of the queen underneath the surface, the evolution of Justin. In some way, Justin had inspired him.

Alaska is, indeed, very pretty, and Justin was actually already pretty as well. And Katya wanted to taste him and eat him alive, make him scream. All Stars really gave her a taste of power, and she especially loved the power she had over Alaska, watching her crumble. To see the queen, you have admired and worshipped for so long break and confirm that they are actually human, and just maybe you had a chance with them did things to Katya. She thinks she needs to untuck now. The close proximity of Alaska with her and the cold is not really helping her case as well. She can’t wait to get into her room and masturbate at the thought of Alaska and/or Justin, she’s not really picky, become a whining moaning hot mess under her.

Alaska could see Katya become uneasy, maybe the contact is making her uncomfortable. She steps away to break contact, but then Katya grabs her arm, and actually pulls her closer and tighter at her side.

“I’m sorry. It’s cold, and I really want to untuck right now.” Katya whispers right next to her, and acting fidgety which proves her statement.

“Ooh, why don’t you come on here and fuck me in the ass sometime?” Alaska summons her Mae West back in a whisper, and she could see it still works.

“Is that an actual offer or are we looking at a potential case of the blue balls?”

“It won’t be potential if it’s already blue isn’t it?”

“Point taken,” Katya breaks the silence du to laughter at that.

“Ugh, there’s just no one here, mama.” Katya continues and now proceeds to lean her head on the taller queen’s arm. “Can I be honest with you?”

“Go ahead, darling. I know you, I’m prepared with your potentially creative and daredevil sex fantasies” Alaska drawls, trying to convince Katya she won’t judge by petting her head and playing with her hair.

“Okay, I was actually thinking of masturbating to thoughts of you, in the workroom, just crumbling down,” Katya says in one breath, Alaska almost did not catch it.

Alaska was at a much better place now, she can now confirm that because the sudden reference to her tantrum did not bother her in that way, although Katya’s mention of it had made her hot and bothered.

“Yeah? What would you be doing to me in your fantasy?” Alaska challenges in her Mae West voice.

Katya stares at her, “Oh, bitch—”

They had gone into their hotel room earlier than the others, and every fantasy Katya had enumerated a while ago, they fulfilled.

Brian has been a constant in his life, his presence had become a norm for Justin, a necessity even that it scares him sometimes. Brian’s touch was equally as familiar to him, however, this was foreign to him. How Brian sounds like near to completion, how his brows would furrow as he shuts his eyes in pleasure, how dominant he could be, but it was still Brian. He was still as attentive as ever and beautiful, covered in sweat, muscles flexing. Justin finds everything oddly exhilarating. He knows he has started to develop more complex feelings for the people’s princess, but he doesn’t want to admit to it completely yet, scared that he would lose this, lose him. Was he already losing him by having sex with him? Justin wanted to panic, but Brian was pulling out, Justin could feel his cock had rested on his entrance. And this was killing him, he missed the feeling of Brian inside him, he needs to be filled by him now, both in his thoughts and in his ass; he couldn’t help but whine.

“I can hear you thinking, you’re practically vibrating, pretty hard not to notice when I’m inside you,” the older queen says in a raspy voice, biting into his ear, and Justin is riled up even more. “Brian, please. I was just thinking about you,” he moans, trying to thrust his own hips to feel any friction, but Brian held his waist firmly in place, Justin was sure it could leave a mark.

“Stop thinking, I’m here, baby,” Brian kisses his temple, and tightens his grip on Justin’s waist to slam back in, followed by consistently earnest thrusts, Justin couldn’t help but not think and give in to the sensations.

Sex, of course, had always been exhilarating, but this was different, the knowledge that Brian was with him, in this moment, makes his heart beat a thousand times faster; he was sure it’s not because of the overflowing sensations he’s currently experiencing. It’s because of Brian. Brian kisses him, and he worries he might actually die because of sex. Sure, he might find it funny, were it another time, but he could feel so many underlying conversations they are having by their current actions. He hopes that it is not only true in his side, and fuck, he is actually in love.

Now, they lie in their bed, cuddling, satisfied, and exhausted. They didn’t talk, too exhausted to even be able to stay awake to clean up.

Their limbs had tangled all together, Justin’s long ones mainly embracing Brian. Their faces still have traces of make up. Getting out of their clothes was the priority last night, completely getting out of drag, not really.

They don’t talk about it after. It was just some good casual sex, Brian tells himself, and he believes it’s the same for Justin. So, Brian did not feel the need to wake him up when he needed to leave earlier. He didn’t think about it, didn’t have to feel guilty or anything, but then it was his good friend, Justin, who is probably still hung up on some aftermath of All Stars.

They’re close, they’ve grown really close, so Brian knows that this means nothing more than being good judies to each other. It may even be just a one-time thing, just the culmination of the tension brewing between them before because of all the environmental stressors and stimuli. And as a man as a woman, when exposed to stimuli, you act accordingly, especially when it was sexual stimuli. Brian proceeds to pack quietly and leaves for his next gig.

They didn’t talk, so when Justin wakes up with a cold bed and the absence of a certain Russian hooker, he tries to not think too much about it. Brian has always believed in free love, and this was just another exhibit. No need to actually get hurt or overreact. He needs to just be chill, and proceed with his day.

//

Justin has finished his meal, and is already feeling the chill in his hotel room. He decided to get under the sheets and go through social media.

He sees a video of Katya tagged with a trixya tag. He clicks on it. The video is of Katya stating that he would just prefer if Trixie Mattel were her boyfriend. Sure, it was to keep the fans happy and Trixie and her were good friends, Sharon and Alaska were that close too. It was all done in good nature, nothing to hurt Justin, plus, it’s kind of marketing. It would have been fine were it any other day, he would be able to laugh at it, and move on; however, three days ago happened. Justin had fucked up, and he is actually potentially looking of Trixie and Katya getting together.

//

A few weeks after Aspen, Justin received a video call from Courtney; Justin decided to answer as he was still waiting for Adore. They will be talking about a show that Adore had mentioned to him. He sat at a comfortable chair and placed his laptop on a table. He hit accept, and the screen loaded for a bit until Courtney appeared.

“Hiiieee” Courtney greets him.

“G’day mate.” Justin replies.

 After knowing Justin’s tiny-huge-crush-on-a-Russian-whore-situation, the remaining 2/3 of the AAA girls decided to hop in and “help” him.

They decided to have a nice little chat, while, obviously, waiting for a certain Russian whore. Courtney was chilling at a backstage of some bar after, Justin assumed. While Courtney was talking about the latest straight guy she’d fucked or who had fucked her, the said Russian whore appeared. Justin was about ready to jump for joy until he saw that Katya was not alone for the night. Just as soon as his heart had flown, as soon as it had also fell. Courtney gave him a sorry look, but proceeded on interviewing Katya and the guy out of formality and for some insight as well. While Courtney was doing so, Justin studied the guy, now, Justin was rarely insecure when it comes to his physical appearance. He is even more confident when he’s Alaska; however, he can’t fight back the desire to be shorter, more tan, and muscular at the moment. He sighs on the screen, and that must have gotten Katya’s attention because she went nearer the camera and saw Justin. Katya bid a peck goodbye to her lover, and brought back her attention to Courtney and Justin.

“Hi.” Katya starts.

“Hi.” Justin answers, “so how was he?” he can’t help but ask.

“Oh, thank god you didn’t ask for the name, I forgot to ask, but I’d probably call him Roberto, cousin of Ricardo.” Katya grinned at him in the screen, and Justin could swear Katya’s teeth are always bright and perfect even in 480p. Katya proceeds to talk about Roberto’s performance, and Justin left that to Courtney, his mind now wandering somewhere else, leaving the juicy details as a background noise. He processes what Katya had said, and he hates how much just knowing that Katya didn’t bother to ask for his name made him feel lighter and at ease.

Justin thinks of his place, how Brian sees him. They weren’t exclusive. No, it was just one night. All they ever did was hung out a lot and every time they get a chance, send each other stupid mail, and Justin have Brian take care of him. Justin had jumped to conclusions, of course. His brain always getting ahead of him. Justin feels stupid. Katya wouldn’t be celibate for him. Katya doesn’t even do relationships. He was the only one who avoided sex and contact from other men, even in music videos. He asks himself why did he do that, and suddenly he felt déjà vu. He remembers something like this has happened before. Somehow, the memory still involved Katya. Justin just sighs. He remembers he was talking to Katya and Courtney when it got quiet. Katya had finished telling a chapter of her psychosexual melodrama, and noticed Justin wasn’t listening. Both of them were just looking at him now.

“Sorry, what was it?” Justin apologized.

“OH! Do you want me to start from the beginning? What parts did you miss?” Katya asked, very eager to share her encounter. Justin’s face fell, was the guy really that good or does Katya enjoy tormenting Justin. Katya saw how Justin’s face fell, but before she was able to ask about it, Courtney already speaks her disgust for the retelling in a dramatic way, and Justin was laughing again. Katya was glad that Justin was laughing.

“So what are you up to, Miss Thunderfun?” Katya asks.

“Nothing much–” “Actually, he’s at a hotel preparing to bang someone, or be banged by someone” Justin was cut off by Courtney.

Justin glares at Courtney for a while. Katya’s interest was piqued at that. He had stopped policing Justin’s sexual life by now, but she’s still curious. “Oh, really? With whom? Might be a special one since it seems it’s been long since you got laid, since Aspen if I am not mistaken.” She had teased.

“And whose fault do you think that is?” Justin replies at a softer tone, but laughs anyway, so Katya just laughs with him.

They all heard Justin’s door open, then close, signaling Adore’s arrival, but Courtney and Katya don’t know that.

“Oh, he’s here.” Justin says.

“And, this is it ladies and ladyboys, the moment we have been waiting for, Justin’s next fuck is…” Courtney screams from the screen, and Justin is sure Adore heard it, since he stopped hearing footsteps. A beat. “Me!” Adore jumps and poses from the hallway into everyone’s view. Justin was expecting to see Adore, but Danny probably didn’t have any gig, or didn’t have time to put even make-up on due to a hangover from some party. Justin just chuckles and shakes his head as he hears whistles and laughs from the screen.

Danny walks up to him in a seductive manner, locking eyes with Justin. Justin decided to get into his gig, and focused on Danny, he turned his chair, back facing the screen, eyes never leaving Danny’s. Danny finally stopped in front of him. He seemed to be enjoying giving everyone a show. He cupped Justin’s face while sliding into his lap.

Katya was untucked and he could feel his member grow interested. The fact that Justin wasn’t facing them made it difficult for him, since his imagination went rampant, especially since he had already had a taste of Justin. He remembers Justin’s face as he came, the sounds he made, how soft his lips were on his, and oh how soft they could feel on his cock. Fuck. He opened his eyes, not remembering when he had closed it, when Danny spoke on the screen again.

“You didn’t tell me you were inviting me for a fuck, Lasky. I would’ve exerted more effort.” Danny said, voice loud enough to make sure the ones on the screen heard it too.

“Bitch, I’ve never seen you exert effort before.” Justin replies mockingly, wrapping his hands on the mermaid’s waist. Danny laughed at that hugging Justin for support. “You, bitch.”  When Danny stood up from Justin’s lap, Katya looked confused, while Courtney was laughing.

“Hey guys. Katya, Courtney, what’s up?” Danny said, leaning into the screen.

“Hey Dan,” Courtney greets.

“Wait, so you two weren’t gonna fuck?” Katya says, as a form of greeting perhaps.

“Do you want them to?” Courtney asks Katya, completely amused.

“Well, I mean they could while we do too.”

Danny laughs at Katya’s reply and laughs harder when he sees Courtney’s face, and Justin moves closer to the screen as well leaning on Danny’s shoulder. “Ha! I wish we could fuck, but no, silly, we’re just here to conceptualize.” Danny huffs, looking at Justin then back to the screen, “this guy is being celibate for some reason, but it’s cute. See, we’ve been spending a few days together recently, and he rejects all the dick, long lines of them, avoids touching anyone at least. I don’t think I can break the spell, I tried, and as you’ve seen, he just read me in exchange.”

“I am not being celibate,” Justin lifts his head from where it was rested on Danny’s shoulders, trying to think of a way to defend himself. It’s just that after Aspen, Justin never really felt enticed, unless it was a pair of baby blue eyes, a set of pearly white perfect teeth, flexible joints, a bony dwarf, and someone not there. “I’ve just been busy. Unlike you, I don’t have a Bianca, so I have a lot of things on my brain.”

“Yeah, right, sweetie. I’ll pretend you didn’t just go season-3-sugar-daddy on me. But at this rate, your pussy’s gonna dry up. And the prince charming you’re reserving it for won’t like it anymore. I don’t even think the prince charming is even worthy, I mean it’s been so long. He should notice by now,” Danny says obliviously.

“The prince charming is worthy, mind you.” Justin counters. He looks at Katya then, they lock eyes, and he panics. He turns to divert his look at Courtney, and she has the look of pity in his eyes. Justin feels stupid. Danny doesn’t know, Katya doesn’t know, Brian doesn’t know, Justin repeats to himself like a mantra.

“Well, alright, how would I know, you never introduced me to him.” Danny replies and Justin breathes at that.

Katya was more interested now, apparently Justin wasn’t looking for a fuck because he has found a prince. This was news to her. A prince he has never mentioned to Danny nor to her.

The idea did something to Katya’s chest, not her breasts, but the area where her lungs and heart are caged.

Brian was all about sharing love, giving sex, but the thought of Justin going steady with someone, even finding a good fuck had left a bad taste in his mouth. Then, everything clicks in his head. Why just now. Sure, he has never been good with science nor math, but that’s not the point. He is faced with a much bigger elephant in his head. It’s like a tsunami had hit him and memories of mails, jet-lagged phone calls, aspen, of a certain alien flooded his brain.

Barbara is in love, has been, for a while now. Fuck, he mentally curses. Sometimes, Brian is too in the moment, he’s so oblivious. He could already hear Brenda laughing at him for discovering the truth he had worked so hard to avoid like, maybe Katy Perry.

“Aww, Little Lasky’s in love.” Courtney comments beside Katya, and that pulls her back to the crashing reality: Brian is in love with Justin, and Justin is in love too, with a prince charming possibly not Brian because a) nothing is princely about him, and b) he doesn’t know, maybe if Justin was into him, he’d know it by now.

Brenda was suddenly noisy; Brian wants to breathe, and Katya doesn’t know what to do. He suddenly wanted a smoke, but then he remembered his smoke breaks with Justin. He curses himself. He wanted to get to his hotel, but he was so used to having Justin with him in hotels now. He doesn’t know what to do, he feels himself cracking, breaking, so he does what he can do for now.

Katya stood up, flashed a smile, and excused herself.

“I think I’m calling it a day. The trade was a handful, demanding, whiny, but worth it.” He tries for laughs, and it worked, except for Justin. He looked at Justin, mistake one. He didn’t seem amused; he seemed worried, assumptions, mistake two.

“Now, are you sure you’re talking about the trade or Lasky here?” Danny adds to the joke, embracing said person in a half-hug. Katya seemed to consider the question for a moment; she was taken aback by the appropriateness of the question, mistake three. He wanted to hug Justin too, to be there with him, right now, yearning, mistake four.

“No, I’m pretty sure Alaska’s not like that. I remember her as attentive, receptive, warm, gorgeous, and worth more than it.” Katya can’t help the reply, it came off as aggressive and pissed, and surely, everyone just stared at her; irrational and awkward jealousy, mistake five.

“Hey, I’m sure you’re beat, I mean tired, not your mug, but are you sure you’re alright?” Justin was the first one to break the awkward silence, attempting for a joke, Katya just stared at him. She was glad the silence was over, but she still has to answer Justin. I’m not okay, please come to my hotel tonight and hold me. I love you. I’m sorry. She wanted to say all that, instead she smiles, “Yeah, old men just have to rest their crumbling scarce bones, you know. Plus, same, I mean I’m also kind of struggling with the fact that I’m in love. So, see you.” She used an accent, a cover up. Justin knows that. Justin understood that whatever it was, Brian is trying to hide it from everyone. Justin was so fixated on how Brian used an accent that he almost missed the part when Brian said he was struggling and in love.

With that, Katya grabs her stuff and walks away. Courtney bids them goodbye as well, but promises to talk to Justin later, especially about Aspen.

“Um so I see I’ve offended prince charming?” Danny asks after Justin had closed his laptop. Justin gives him a small smile.

“He’d come around. He’s not mad at you.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Of course not, sweetie. I’m actually sorry I haven’t told you.”

“No, you don’t owe me anything. Besides, I kind of get why you would like to keep your feeling private or a secret. Look at where it got me with Roy. The fans were happy and it made them interested, so that was a plus, but I don’t have him.” Danny looks down on the ground, and he looked so small. Justin had to hug him; he was aware that Danny indeed had a crush on Roy, but Roy says that he’s too young, so they decided to stay as best friends. In a way, Justin understands Danny, he’s kind of been there with Sharon, having to transform romantic, sexual, passionate love into a more tamed and family-friendly one.

“Sure, you have him. You see, when we created Adore DeLaska and we got such a positive response from fans, they began shipping us; I mean he actually warned me not to fall in love with you and hurt you or else he will beat me up. I thought he was joking, but then he sent me a selfie of him, wigless but with Bianca’s face on, in front of my apartment, and girl, I was frightened. He deals with everything in the form of a joke, but not you.” Danny breaks the hug at that, and offers a genuine smile at Justin. Justin takes it.

“You and Katya are good friends now too, but I’m not saying you should settle with that; I also don’t intend to give you advice because don’t take advices from me—Fuck, I’m all over the place. Just—I hope I didn’t ruin your chances.” It was Justin’s turn to give a small smile, but he takes Danny’s hands in his.

“You didn’t ruin my chances, if I had none at the beginning.”

It was Danny’s turn to console him, honestly when did this become a sappy and emotional therapy. “You, idiot, have you seen his reactions a while ago? Have you seen him look at you? The things he does when around you or when things concern you? I mean we, three, have only been in a single show together, but I know he cares, Justin. What do you think happened back there, why he walked out? He probably didn’t fancy talking about your prince charming.”

Danny has a point, but Justin just can’t let himself hope, he knows he’d get hurt; he’s already hurting, fuck it. “He has Trixie though, and—I—it’s just everything becomes messy to me when it involves him.”

“Oh, baby, if Trixie and Katya would be together, they should be married by now. Plus, which ghoul had said this, true love is pain,” Danny tightens their joined hands now.

Justin smiles.

They spent the rest of the time talking about other queens, their feelings, Aspen. In the end, they didn’t get any work done. They ordered food, set a new date, and decided to call it a day.

Right after Danny left, Justin phoned Brian.

“Hey.” Brian picked up.

“Hey yourself.”

“What’s up?”

“Do you want me to go there? Or are you with someone?” Justin asks Brian because he wants to be with him, to talk to him.

“You don’t even know where I am,”

“Are you walking? Your breathing’s uneven.”

“Maybe I’m having sex.” Brian sounded bitter, but Justin

“While on the phone? I didn’t take you as someone disrespectful, in my experience, at least. Plus, you’re old, you probably couldn’t let that up another time after that trade.”

Brian laughs at that, then silence. All Justin could hear was Brian’s breathing and street noise. He was walking.

“No, you are walking, and it’s just your cigarettes finally killing you.”

“Yeah, that’s kinda long overdue, Joanne.” Brian quips.

“I want to be with you. Where are you?”

“Uhh, I just came from Trixie’s; I’m now walking to my hotel.” Of course, on a rough day, Brian would go to Brian, Trixie.

“You’re in the city? Well, where is your hotel?” Justin asks, as he hears hotel doors opening, and the background became more quiet.

Justin’s phone suddenly buzzed. A text from Danny.

Adore: I just passed by Brian as I was about to leave the hotel. Did you two decide to meet up?

“Nevermind, I’m coming to you. Stay at the lobby.”

“No, wai—”

Justin said before Brian could even finish his reply. He ended the call, not waiting for a reply, stood up. He checked himself at the mirror for a brief moment, a black shirt and black jeans, he looked presentable, that was enough. He went out and hurried to the elevator, pressing the button multiple times. When the elevator door opened, he stopped rushing, and stood at the door, just staring on who’s inside. He saw Brian.

“Oh, hi. Fancy meeting you here.” Brian greets him; he looks genuinely surprised.

“Why didn’t you wait downstairs?”

“I thought I’d meet you halfway,”

“Bullshit. You didn’t even know where I was.”

“I’ve heard the statics, mother.”

“Brian.”

Justin looks at Brian. He looks like someone had died. He looks exhausted. Justin could ask him what happened, and Brian could answer along the lines of travel and work. But Justin just wants to embrace him, and just make all his problems go away. But then, Justin seemed to be Brian’s problem. He doesn’t know what to do.

“Technology is really amazing. We’ve been staring at each other for quite a long time now, and the elevator won’t close” Brian jokes, but Justin couldn’t find any humor in the situation. He steps inside the elevator quietly, and it shuts.

As soon as the door shut, Justin could feel the tension, Brian had stiffened. He probably didn’t expect Justin to get in.

“So where to?” Justin asks Brian.

“I should be the one asking you that. You were the one who hopped in.”

“Well I’ve got nowhere else to be. I’m with you now.”

Brian lets out a laugh, “that’s so cheesy, What!”

They just let the elevator take them wherever for the mean time.

Justin smiles, he loves making Brian laugh, but he knew he had to speak; they need to talk. “You’ve been crying.”

Brian suddenly stops laughing and just stares at Justin, then proceeds to concoct an obvious lie “No, Trixie and I just got high. Mark your calendar, it’s the first time she tried being high.”

“Whatever. My guess is you finally watched Contact?” Justin wasn’t having any of it. He is so used to Brian and his antics now. And that’s what makes this more difficult for him, Brian was being Brian, but Justin knows he’s hurt, and he can’t help.

“Something like that, I guess, but what we did was something more spiritually enriching than Contact”

“I don’t believe it.”

“I know right, like Contact was it for me, then add that with Trixie, another it for me. I mean what else could beat that…” Brian looks at him now. Justin doesn’t know what to say. Brian just said how Justin could never mean as much as Firkus means to Brian.

“Yeah, probably marrying Trixie and raising an army of baby Russian dolls eating up everyone,” Justin suggests, to which Brian laughs.

“You just combined in a sentence two of things that I don’t believe in: marriage and raising children,”

Of course, Brian would laugh and have a remark. This is them, their thing. Justin doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but he knows something’s different. Brian could try to avoid the topic and derail them just by laughing or by telling random speeches in different accents and characters, but Justin is impatient tonight, more than usual at least. He can’t put up to talk with another one of Brian’s character, he needs Brian.

Justin actually doesn’t know what he aims in talking with him, but he felt something was off during their video call, Danny had talked to him already, Brian was magically in his hotel. If that’s not the universe trying to tell him something, then he doesn’t know what is.

“Now come on, tell me what’s wrong.”

“You’re wrong.”

“What?”

“Watching Contact with Trixie was it for me, you know what had a more profound effect? Not marrying Trixie and raising an army of Russian dolls, although thank you for the idea, I appreciate you adjusting your thinking to my tastes, or maybe I’ve always liked the way you think without you ever adjusting—”

“Brian,” Justin glares at him, cutting off his babbling.

“Point is, you’re wrong, and the correct answer is me and Trixie were talking about how much of an idiot I am, and how much I’ve grown to love you,” Justin wasn’t able to respond quickly, Brian had said that sentence in one quick breath that Justin almost didn’t catch anything. The elevator doors opened, thank you, Universe, Brian quickly gets out, and Justin was still dumbfounded, but he knew he had to move, so he did. He went after Brian as fast as he could. He spotted him speed walking into a room, and Justin sprinted towards him.

“Brian, wait! Why are you running away?”

“No. Go! All of my peaches are ruined!” Brian turns and sees him and walks faster, but Justin was faster, and he needs answers. He thanked his two long left legs for being good to him once. Brian was about to shut the door to his hotel room, but Justin caught it with his hands, then his foot.

“Brian, let me in. Let’s talk.”

“God, Justin, please don’t make it any more difficult for me. Let go.”

“What, stop closing the door, let me in, and you’ll have less difficulty.”

“That’s not what I meant, idiot. Just—let go! Let go! I don’t want to see you, nor be in the same room as you. Let me lick my wounds in peace alone. I don’t need you to console me nor pity me.” Brian chokes at the last part, and finally looks up at Justin. His blue eyes were glossy, and Justin can’t have that.

“I love you too.” He hears Sharon, in his head, saying that was the butchest thing you’ve done your whole life, and he lets her stay there. But not for a while because he had to focus on Brian. He couldn’t help but focus on Brian. How his tears finally fell, the sounds he made when he cries. Brian removed his weight on the door to wipe his tears away. But Justin takes his hands away and kisses his tears.

“God, I’m crying. I feel like a woman.”

“You are a woman.” Justin embraces him, and Brian hummed as he hugged back. They stayed like that for a while.

They may look like a crazy destructive pair to some visitors, and Justin saw a hotel security personnel eyeing them, so he decided to bring Brian in, and close the door.

They break the hug, and Justin wanted to say a lot of things, but his head feels afloat, and it doesn’t seem like the right time to talk.

“You didn’t let me reply to you back there at the elevator.”

“Well, seems like our recurring theme for today.”

“So, you’ve, uh, finally meet my prince charming.”

“I would say you have terrible taste and we could talk for the whole night, or I could just interrupt you right there, and say shut up and fucking kiss me.” With that, it was settled. They locked eyes for a while, then Justin pushes Brian on the wall just like last time, but this time he kisses him.

Brian tastes the same, just like last time. Peppermint and cigarettes. But somehow this kiss feels different. There was no longer any hesitations in the kiss, no more held back feelings, it was bold and bare.

The kiss was haste, sloppy, passionate, and messy. Justin’s head was a mess, but Brian seems to have that effect on him. So he forgets words, and lets his lips, his body move to relay his message.

 When they finally broke apart, Justin’s hair is now sticking up everywhere due to Brian’s touching and grabbing. Brian’s blues were now a shade darker and blown with lust.

“I want to taste you,” Justin says and proceeds to kneel down, unbuckling Brian’s belt in the process.

“Oh God. Justin, that’s hot.” Justin pulls Brian’s pants down and licked his dick through his briefs.

Justin pulls down Brian’s briefs to let out his half-hard cock and gives it a few strokes while licking the sensitive head before swallowing his cock whole. Brian saw his cock disappear and reappear in Justin’s mouth, feel his tongue accommodate and lick his now throbbing dick professionally, and he could swear he could cum so early from sensory overload.

Brian taps Justin’s shoulder to tell him, he’s about to come. Justin removes his cock from his mouth then, and Brian groans at the loss of contact, but pulls Justin up to kiss him.

It was Brian’s turn to show dominance. He grabs Justin by his collar towards the bed, pushes him and straddles him to remove his shirt. Justin does the same for him. And then, they were all hands and lips again.

Brian starts kissing Justin’s neck, his favorite collarbones, his chest, his abdomen, until he reaches his belt. He looks up at Justin, looking for approval. Justin just nods his head and bit his lips, which Brian took as a go signal.

Soon, Justin’s pants were on the floor, and Brian was asking Justin to lick his fingers.

“Lick, now, open your legs.” Justin does as he is told, and Brian positions himself in between Justin’s legs, then inserts a finger in Justin. Shortly after Brian is inserting his third finger and Justin is a moaning mess.

“Brian, I need you inside me now.” Justin pleas in between moans.

“So demanding, you’d get hurt.”

“I really need you, Brian… please,” Brian almost lost it that so he kisses Justin to shut him up, and stop riling him up any further.

Brian would’ve complied; however, he feels guilty that Justin’s last time was back in Aspen with him as well, so he takes his time.

“Do you have a condom?” Justin asks.

“I’m clean and tested, are you?”

“Are you sure?”

“What does that supposed to mean?”

“You are a whore, so I don’t know,”

“And you are a horse,”

“which makes you a sick horny psycho, stupid.”

Brian doesn’t know why, but he laughs, and Justin follows. Yes, they laugh during sex because this- whatever this is- doesn’t have to change anything between them. They could still have the easy air around them, the care, they can keep the jokes, and the sex is just a bonus. Most importantly, now they have each other. Brian muses at Justin.

“What are you smiling at me like that for?”

“Nothing, just, you’re beautiful, princess.” Brian takes Justin’s hands and kisses them. Justin smiles at him and lets the warmth and comfort- despite feeling sticky, painfully hard, and at an awkwardly angled position- of the moment burn in his memory.

“You know, I would appreciate all this more when I am not painfully hard and awkwardly open, honey” Justin says after a few moments, grabbing Brian down and kissing him. Brian smiles at the kiss, and Justin decides he loves it when Brian does that.

“I like your teeth.”

“Great way to motivate me,”

“Are we doing this or not,”

Brian laughs again, which is why he wasn’t surprised when he felt an extra painful sore at his stomach and a heavy weight on his left arm the following day. He opens his eyes, and suddenly the sore in his stomach was replaced with butterflies, butterflies that are welcomed because the sight before him is all he ever wanted and more. He smiles to himself. The sun is now up, and Justin’s usually pasty white skin is glowing gold and warm. He can’t help but kiss Justin’s shoulder, which makes the sleeping man stir.

“Good morning,” Brian greets as Justin opens his eyes then beams at him. Brian thinks of Bambi, with Justin’s eyes and his long limbs tangled with Brian’s on the sheets, and Brian finds it extremely adorable and fitting.

“I’m starving.” Justin breaks Brian’s trance, and Brian chuckles at that.

“Well, come on up, and get dressed, princess.”

“Ah! I’m a queen, and you’re the people’s princess,”

“I was thinking of disregarding your venomous breath and kissing you, but alright que—”

“Alright, I guess, I’ll allow you to call me and only me princess, only you though”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Now, kiss me, stupid,” Justin embraces Brian’s neck and pulls him closer until their lips met.

“You reek of cigarettes,” Justin smiles into the kiss, and Brian has to pull away to laugh, “You reek of my dick.” He, then, stands up, grabs a shirt, and throws one at Justin too.

“Let’s brush our teeth, and get some happy meal.”

“I’m down. You really need a brush.” Justin stands up, and pecks a laughing Brian in the cheek, as he passed by him on his way to the bathroom.

Brian follows suit and stands behind Justin, who was now gargling with some traces of toothpaste on his chin. He looks at Justin on the mirror, he wasn’t wearing anything besides his boxers, he has all this messy white toothpaste on his face, but still he doesn’t fail to hold Brian’s attention. He was wrapped around his long lean fingers, and the realization makes Brian shiver in both fear and excitement of a possible future with Justin. For now, Brian allows a future with Justin.

“Why’re you looking at me funny?” Justin eyes him through the mirror, smiling bashfully, pulling him back to reality. Brian catches a sight of himself in the mirror, and sees he has a stupid dopey smile plastered on his face. He had been looking at Justin like he hung the moon.  Anyone who would see it would undoubtedly know he was in love with the tall and talented queen in front of him. Now, he wants to make sure that Justin knows that he is beautiful and loved very much.

“You’re starting to scare me, Brian.” Justin chuckles, which was cut off immediately by what Brian had said, “Hey, be my boyfriend?”

Brian finally asks, he could feel his heart beating so hard, it might literally leave its cage and just fly out of the window.

Justin knows they had been dancing some weird homosexual mating dance, and it has been very long, and now Brian had finally asked him. It was not a grand courtship ending with an as equally grand declaration of love, but it was perfect. Justin knew the older man as a queen of timing, but he was delayed this time, but it’s fine. This was happening now, and Justin releases a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. He could suddenly feel warm and his heart beating fast, and he could see worry etch into Brian’s beautiful face, and he was suddenly reminded he has to answer.

“Hmm, Bambi and one of Snow white’s dwarf, almost like a fairytale. Disney is shaking.” The answer had sunk into Brian painting a stupid smile on his face, then Justin turned around with an equally stupid smile, threw himself onto the smaller man then smashed their lips before Brian could even laugh or sigh out of relief and joy.

Justin feels so happy he could die; he wants to cry. He had been waiting for this for so long. All of his worries for a future, thrown out of the window for now. For now, he only thinks of how Brian has his hands on his waist, and how he holds him like he’s dear and he has no intention of letting go. The smaller man kisses him and means it, and Justin understands, so he tries to reciprocate and deliver everything he feels at the moment, hoping that Brian would get it too.

Brian is truly definitely genuinely happy. Right here. At this moment. This was everything he hadn’t known he wanted and more. He had been wanting him, yearning to be with him, years ago, even before he entered drag race. Brian never wanted to go through the hurdles of drag race, knowing the pressure the difficult challenges bring, but he wanted to be a part of something so much bigger. He wanted the family that goes along with it. And this, Justin’s weight on his arms, he lets himself think that they are perfect for each other, that everything, all his life was leading to this moment right here; gone were the days wherein he had to go fall in a long line, battle with a crowd just to see Alaska. He’s now with Alaska, and what’s better is that he’s with Justin. He thinks that he would do his very fucking best to not fucking fuck this up because this, this might be one of the best things that has happened to him. And thank God he is sober to enjoy everything.  Then he stops thinking because Justin is very eager, and Brian will definitely not not reciprocate and give and receive and reciprocate.

“You make me so fucking happy, I might kill you before you kill me.” Brian finally says as they break apart, breathless, eyes blown, both very red.

“Right. Balance is important in everything. You’re the psycho breadwinner, and I’m the masochistic trophy wife.”

“Now, let’s really brush our teeth and get ourselves some McDonald’s.”

It was a perfect picture. A happy and successful couple with their happy meals and their love for drag, art, comedy, and each other.

Justin wishes it could stay a picture, painted permanently, and hell knows, he would do whatever to try and make it so.

Trixie answered at the fourth ring, and Brian started fake sobbing.

“Brian? Hey, what’s wrong? Where are you?” Usually, Trixie would start with an insult, but Brian was sobbing on the other end.

“I just—it was a lot of stress and pressure, and I said it would just be one line. I—Trixie, I’m sorry.”

“Brian? No, you didn’t mean…”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know, it was a dangerous train of thought last night. My head wasn’t clear, and I said I don’t fuck with addiction, but I just. You know I have tendencies, and I just can’t last night. After I went to your place, I just passed by it, and—” Brian intensifies his sobbing sounds.

Trixie was now panicking, he got up, put on some pants and was headed to the door, “Where are you?”

“I’m sorry I relapsed.”

“With what? Do you know?”

“Yes, it was—”

“Hiiieeee, Barbie.” Justin butted in the conversation

“—Alaska Thunderfuck,” Brian finished his last sentence, and Trixie almost dropped his phone. These bitches had him, he was already outside. He doesn’t know whether to be angry or relieved, so he shouts at the phone instead.

“You fucking, bitches! You utter fucking whores!” Trixie screams, but it is drowned by the laughing on the other line.

“We got you.” Brian says, still laughing.

“We got you good. Great acting, babe.” Trixie hears Justin say in his drawl.

Trixie hears a smooch, so he vocalizes his disgust.

“Ugh, Hesus, have mercy on me.”

He hears more laughter and then some apologies.

“So, I guess it all worked out in the end, huh Kat?”

“Yeah, uhh thanks, Brian.” Brian says on the phone, hoping the gratitude comes across.

“Alright, Alaska, thank you for prying Katya away from me. Now, you, cunts, owe me details and brunch, you made me walk outside at such an ungodly hour!”

“It’s literally almost noon now.”

“Exactly, fully booked, honey.” Brian laughs, they say their goodbyes. “Thank you, Trixie,” Justin adds, and Trixie hangs up.

Justin was grateful he has Trixie’s blessing, but then he wasn’t surprised to receive a text threatening to feed him to dogs if ever he hurts Brian. What surprised him was a follow-up message telling him to keep Brian or else he will act out. Justin knows both Brians had grown very close. There was also a time wherein Katya had been very open about his attraction for the barbie doll; however, they never really got together. Trixie could be joking, for all he knows, but he still found it threatening, but he was determined to take care of Brian; he can’t have it otherwise.

From then on, it had been a happy blur of a year of supportive friends, efforts to keep it private, the easy jokes and banter, meeting the parents, the family, greatest stage chemistry from Katya and Alaska that the fans love and swallow, mails, video calls at ungodly hours, quiet times in hotel rooms, digital hand jobs, loud nights in each other’s flats, sexting like teenagers, and a lot of rediscovering and relearning each other.

Many people thought Brian would be taking care of Justin, given the latter’s bratty behavior, but if Brian was to be honest, Justin had done a lot of adjustments for them. Brian never felt neglected nor rejected. And he just hopes he was able to do the same for Justin.

It had been amazing, really. Justin could not remember any bad thing. Yes, there were fights, but they would always be followed by amazing rough or gentle makeup sex. But now, here is Justin laying on his hotel room. About to cry because he had fucked up. It has been three days. Maybe Brian was giving him his space, or he decided he can’t deal with him anymore, or he is with Firkus, realizing how much he’s happier with him.

Justin hates every second of this. He had overreacted. He had hurt, and now he feels so alone. Seeing the video, he just saw also didn’t help, not at all. The worst part is that this proves how insecure Justin is actually in their relationship, that no matter what he does, he could never be the best, he could never be it for Brian. Brian had said so himself, and he had said it again, in that video.

However, he makes sure to keep Alaska out of it. He can’t let Alaska suffer and go back to square one. He can’t see himself going through all of that again with the idea of Brian, not being there, with his weird jokes and terrifying smoker laugh.

Three days ago, it had been one of their rare days off wherein they actually get to be together. They ate dinner, watched the latest episode of Game of Thrones; he listened to Brian review the episode, and they had a few discourse and cute arguments about the show, most of them just Justin teasing Brian, which was then followed by a cute make out session in their couch. It was the usual and they were contented.

It had been a few months since the moved in together. They have stopped sending letters to each other, since they are now living under the same roof, although they rarely feel it.

They were both exhausted, and were now sleeping, until Brian’s phone rang.

“Justin. Pleeeease, I promise to send you to the airport” Brian just grunts and murmurs, and Justin gets what he wants to do. He sits up and feels for Brian’s phone in the drawer beside their bed. He answers it, not bothering to look at the caller, and looks at Brian. Brian just mouths “I love you,” and shuts his eye.

“Hello?”

“Brian? Brian. It’s Brian. And I’m drunk, and I should know better, but he dumped me two weeks ago, right?” Justin was catapulted awake and alarmed at the sound of Trixie, definitely drunk, sobbing. Hard.

“Trixie? Where are you? This is–” Justin gets cut off by Trixie. She can’t probably hear him.

“Please come to me, I need you, Brian. God, why did I reject you? When you were so caring and now, I see how good you are with Alaska, and I might be ruining it for all of us, but why aren’t we together?” Justin’s heart sinks at this. At Trixie being dumped, at her getting wasted, and her wanting to have Brian.

“Alright, Trix, I need you to tell me where you are.”

“You know where to find me.”

“Oh, okay. Stay there. Brian will be there in a few. I’ll tell him.”

“Wait—hold on. Lasky? Fuck. Shit. I’m sorry.”

“No, sweetie. It’s alright. Stay wherever you are. I’ll have Brian pick you up.”

“No, Lasky. I’m— This is stupid. I’m drunk. I’m sorry.”

“I know, that’s why I believe you. Everything, a hundred percent, and you might not remember this, but it’s alright, honey. So calm down, breathe. Drop the bottle, okay? Stay there.” He drops the phone to wake Brian up.

“Brian, hey, Brian, wake up. Trixie is drunk, she was dumped, and she needs you to come to her.” Brian stirred, but sat upright upon hearing Trixie’s name.

“What? Where did she say she was? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!”

“Alright, I get that you’re panicking, but I’ve talked to her a little bit, and she seemed to have clamed down and sober up. She says you know where to find her.”

“Oh, fuck. I gotta go.”

“Alright, take care.”

Justin watched Brian scurry out of their bedroom. He heard car engines running and moving away. This is alright. He decides to do what he can. He is known to be someone who keeps his word. He’ll stay as long as Brian wants him to, if he no longer needs him to, Justin will go. It has always been that way, and whatever makes Brian happy. He was never it after all. Now, Brian wants Brian and vice versa, so nothing’s stopping Brian from having what is it for him. Brian can be happy.

Justin says that, but what Trixie had said doesn’t get past his head. He had always worried that one day Brian would realize Justin is no longer worth keeping because of his feelings for the barbie, and now presented a good opportunity for both to act on their feelings and achieve happiness. Justin doesn’t want to be the one getting in the way of love and happiness. However, he still got hurt, and he’s thinking a lot, his confidence is shaking, and he feels like crying, but he doesn’t. He figures that packing would be the best idea since he needs to fly in just a few hours, and maybe he wouldn’t see that promise with Brian.

It had been three days ever since Justin flew without seeing Brian. Brian hadn’t contacted him, and he was getting worried. Is it actually over between them; Justin feels exhausted thinking about it. He decides he’ll sleep it off for tonight, and what happens happens. He has been here before; he has been through worse. But the thought of abstaining from Brian McCook, it’s scaring him, so fucking much, and Alaska hates being scared.

//

Brian had gone into Trixie’s. She said you know where to find me, and that would only mean one thing. Trixie was at her apartment’s balcony. She had always gone there when she was dumped and drunk, it would be locked, Brian knows the drill by now, but this time, Justin was the one who had answered the phone. He doesn’t know how that happened or how Trixie felt about that, so the only thing he could do now was get there as fast as he could.

He had hurried into the stairs into his apartment, but when he opened the door, the balcony sliding door was opened, and Trixie was sitting in the sofa, hands on her head. Brian shut the door gently, which made the doll look up.

“You look terrible,” Brian tried, Trixie was still in drag, minus the wig and the boots, and her makeup had run. The first time it happened, Brian was pretty shocked, but he’s used to how graphic things could get now.

“I am terrible; I look terrible, I feel terrible, I did something terrible.” This was how Brian would normally act around her, meaning Alaska had sent him without telling him anything, and it kills Trixie. She had said something she shouldn’t have, got drunk impulsively, but what she hates the most is, she could still feel how happy she is that Brian came.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. Slow down. What happened?”

“You need to leave.” Trixie stood up, and tried ushering Brian to the door, but he was still too drunk to be able to stand up so she just stumbled and Brian had to hold her up.

“What do you mean? I just got here. Hey, you don’t have to be embarrassed now, I know the drill, now spill.” Brian looked intently into Trixie’s eyes, holding her firmly. Trixie was drunk, she could take advantage of that fact, and just blame it on the alcohol’s effect.

Brian did not saw it coming, so he didn’t know how to react. His brain had blanked out, and he couldn’t really respond eagerly. He doesn’t want to, too worried and confused. Trixie had smashed their lips together, and Brian had his eyes open. The barbie seemed desperate and soon enough, tears were falling in her cheeks again, following the same visible trail of tear stains.

“You really have to tell me now because this wasn’t part of the drill.”

“You did not respond to the kiss,”

“Well, I’m sorry. You know that I am usually an enthusiastic kisser, I love kissing, but you just shocked me there. Plus, I don’t like the taste of alcohol.”

“You’re not gonna say, what the fuck, man?”

“What the fuck, man?” Brian just replied, still confused as ever. Was Trixie just sad and wanted to get laid? That usually did not involve Brian as a prospect fuck, even before he got together with Justin, Trixie never really initiated any kiss, so this was new.

“Would the kiss be different if I repeated it now?” With that, Brian is somehow getting a few strokes of the picture now.

“Trixie, you know I love you, I really do, but for some miracle, you know I am a married woman now, and my malnourished trophy wife is waiting for me at home. I don’t really want to fuck that up.” Trixie started crying again after that. Loud.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I fucked it up for you Bri.”

“Sorry? Don’t be sorry, honey. He knows that I went here. It’s fine. Justin made me go, actually. He’s also worried about you.”

“That’s the problem! Justin answered the call, but he still made you come here!”

“Trix, calm down. Breathe. Explain. Justin only told me to come here.”

“I was drunk, Bri. I could blame it all on that, but I was just so lonely, and I made a stupid phone call to you, and I told you on the phone how we should be together, and how I’m sorry now that I dumped you, and—”

“Hold on, I don’t remember any of that—”

“Because Justin was the one who answered the call!”

Brian doesn’t panic anymore, but this felt so close to it. He can’t panic now, Trixie still needs to get fixed up, and, and, and he almost forgot! Brian had promised Justin to see him off, and Justin will be away for God knows how long, and they won’t see each other for god knows how long because Brian would also be away, and he knows Justin. He knows his brains. Justin could take this as a sign of a potential break up, that Brian had chosen Trixie over him.

Sure, Brian had thought of a future with Trixie before, but all of those were thrown out the window when he decided to move in with the 49th state. And the kiss with Trixie confirmed it. Fuck, he wishes he could get back just in time, and clear this all up.

“Trix, did you mean any of what Justin heard?”

“I’m sorry, Bri.” A beat, Trixie was looking him in the eye, and this is breaking his heart, but what he found was more heartbreaking to him now, was how much Justin could also be anxious and hurting on his own. “I could move on. You’ve done it, obviously, but I just I don’t want to fuck this up for you.” Trixie looks down and grabs his hand. She has sobered up now, and the emotions seemed very raw in her face, and Brian wishes he could do something to make it go away, but Trixie has to fix that on her own, they both know that. And it would be best if Brian made himself scarce for a while, just a little while.

“You won’t fuck it up. We’ll be okay, we’re strong lesbian, biological, spiritual, female women, and we’ll make it work. Now, let’s get you cleaned up for rest.” He lifts the barbie doll’s chin to look him in the eye, offers a genuine smile which conveys all the fear, but also all the trust that he has in Trixie and in Justin and him. Brian decides that he could give Trixie a hug.

“Thanks, Bri. You really are the most horribly nice person I know, next to myself, of course,” Trixie whispers into him as they break apart, and they were able to laugh now. They still would later on because this hasn’t ruined anything. Their friendship had grown very strong for it to be severed by this incident, and somehow Trixie is content with that. He gets to keep Brian in his life, but this time she knows that he truly is happy.

Brian tried his best to help Trixie fix herself up, asked if Trixie still needs anything, then courtly excused himself out. He looked at the time.

 2:13 a.m.

Justin was probably gone now.

Brian thought of giving Justin his space for now, hoping that he could think about what happened, while Brian tries to figure it out too. It also doesn’t feel right to sort things out in between gigs and through a phone call. He would wait.

They would be seeing each other in three days, and Brian just prepares to surprise his boyfriend.

//

Justin had slept and was told they have the following few days off, so he stayed in his hotel room. He still hasn’t gotten any call from Brian, who had kept him sane, who had kept him collected, who had kept him at his best, who was very addicting, who had kept him sober. This train of thought is dangerous. Soon enough, he’s thinking of having a few drinks, for fun, to feel fancy, to forget, he doesn’t know. But his thoughts are almost filled with how easily accessible the liquors are. Fuck it, he’d have just one glass. And that one glass had turned into one bottle. With each glass he downed, he feels bolder, braver, more miserable, and he wants to stop, but he can’t. He tries to remember the amount of alcohol required for it to be poison in one’s body. He held to that number the whole time. He read their past letters, scrolled through their pictures. He was drunk. He knew that wouldn’t fix anything, in fact it would only exacerbate the problem. He knows that. He’s an adult, but for now he decided to act adult and do the adult way to fixing problems, alcohol.

After all, no one was here besides himself. No one was here just like when he left their apartment. Maybe Brian had actually decided to leave the relationship that they were in, and right now, there was no one here. Justin doesn’t blame anyone, there’s no one here besides himself. He would drown himself in alcohol, nostalgia, regret, and blames for now, in hopes that he would resurface and float back in the morning. He hopes for that, even though that is never the case.

However, that did not seem very wise now that he was notified that Katya would be going up to his room in a few. He looked at the place, suddenly feeling embarrassed and afraid. Brian would be here, he’ll see what Justin had done, and they would really break up. He went to the comfort room to look at himself in the mirror. Drunk, pathetic. He locked himself inside. Brian couldn’t see him now. He couldn’t see Brian like this. He might die if he hears the words he had been expecting Brian to say.

Brian had arrived in the hotel where they will be staying at in U.K. He had requested to share a room with Alaska, which the organizers gladly agreed upon, a saving is a saving. They gave him a key card to the room, and he went there.

Brian did not really know what to expect, but he was expecting Justin to be alright somehow. The sight before him does not scream alright though. Beer bottles had scattered on the floor, along with glasses, and he recognized some pictures and letters he had sent Justin throughout their relationship, but no sign of a Glamazonian princess.

“Lasky? Are you here?” Brian asked into the room, gently closing the door, and tiptoeing around the bottles. He looked at the bed, but it was empty. Justin’s phone was in it. Fuck, Brian wished he had called.

“Justin, I’m here. Where are you?” He tried again, he could feel his throat closing up. Brian did this to Justin. He looked around, and saw some light seeping through the bathroom door. He silently goes there and tries to turn on the knob, it is locked.

“Baby, I’m sorry, I’m here. Open up.”

“You can say it. I’ll be fine. You don’t have to look at me now, I don’t want you pitying me or seeing me cry. Not that I’d cry.”

Brian struggles to hold it in, but he doesn’t cry just yet.

“What are you talking about? You’re drunk.”

“I am not on the program.”

“I know, baby, but you’re drunk. You drink, I know, but you’re drunk this time. Let me help you.”

“Yes, I am drunk, now break up with me.”

A beat, he could hear his heart break at what Justin said. Brian was taken aback by the reply. How Justin sounded like he was so sure it would happen, it sounded like it was definitely not the first time it had crosses the younger queen’s mind, but Brian had never even considered it.

“I’ve prepared myself, Brian. I saw the videos, I know what Trixie wanted, I just want you to be happy.” Justin could see Brian’s shadow at the bottom of the door, he slids down now, too drunk and too exhausted to keep standing up. Brian had never replied, maybe he was rehearsing what he would say, to make it hurt less, to let Justin down easier.

Brian heard Justin slide down to the floor, so he followed him and rest his forehead on the door. The video was for promotion, to make the fans happy. Brian used to think of that, but it was no longer a fact; he had been vocal about it to the fans, to Trixie, and it was all in good nature, but he hasn’t considered how it would affect Justin now, even as a joke.

“I’m sorry, Justin. Please, let’s talk.”

Justin wants to do anything, but talk. He just wants this to be over with. He may not be thinking straight, but he is so hurt and so far gone for Brian.

“Throw away the paper, throw away the mail,”

It had surprised both of them. Justin didn’t even know he started singing until he heard the second line of a very familiar song he had been listening to these past few days. Brian listened.

“Be bad if you want to, be prepared to fail,”

Justin’s voice had started cracking, and he was now sobbing, but he continued to sing the solemn song. In the quiet moments, his sharp breathing could be heard, and it is killing Brian. He had started crying as well. He wanted to protect Justin, give him space, but he did this to him. He was hurting. They were both hurting.

“And all the expectations I would never meet, take you to the point of never believing and you’re tired of me,”

“Justin, please, open the door,”

“Still nobody knows it, something I can’t be, my love.”

It was bittersweet how this song had described everything that was going on Justin’s head. He was so determined to fight for the both of them, but he could never be enough. He would never be the best for him.

“But there’s no one here who loves you like I do, thank god this much is true, thank god this much is true, and there’s no one here who knows just how I feel, thank god this much is real, thank god this much is real, and broken down” Justin had finished the first chorus, and he was full on sobbing now.

“I’m sorry, Brian. I can’t look at you when we break up. It would kill me.”

“We are not breaking up. Let’s speak. Please open the door.” Justin was surprised to hear the raspy voice of the older queen. He had been crying, he sounded desperate and hurt, and Justin wants nothing else but to comfort him, make him stop hurting.

Justin turned the lock on the door. Brian heard the clicking, and stood up to open it to reveal a small Justin curled up on the cold tiled floor, head in his knees, hair sticking out everywhere. Brian is reminded of the small boy that he helped pick himself up, but now he has done this. Brian had made Justin go back to square one.

“I’m sorry.” Justin apologized as soon as Brian enters. Brian mimics Justin’s position directly in front of him on the floor, their knees brushing.

“I’m sorry, Justin.” Brian meant it. He was sorry he let Justin feel this way. He didn’t know how insecure he was on their relationship, and that’s because Brian failed to secure him, and he’s sorry.

“This is pathetic. I’m drunk. I’m sorry. I’m very insecure; I thought I was getting better, but here I am. It’s just, the thought of losing you fucked me up. I love you so fucking much, but there are so many reasons for you to not love me. I’m a baby, I robbed you, burglarized you, I’m a snake. And I had been convincing myself that we wouldn’t be a Needles-Thunderfuck up repeat, but we are because I’m drunk and insecure.” Justin looks up now, and Brian was amazed at how Justin had said it in one breath.

“And you just happen to be a sly snake who stole my heart. I’m sorry I failed to make you feel as confident in our relationship as I am. You were able to give me that security, and I didn’t.”

“It was just a joke, I overreacted.”

“Trixie told me, about the phone call.” Justin looked genuinely surprised with the confession.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, and Justin, baby, my Trixie thing was a long time ago. That was ages ago. I moved in into the 49th state, and my brain and heart was filled with him, I have no room left for a country barbie doll. Trix and I are good friends, we’ll be okay, but you get it.” Brian kneels down now to get closer into Justin, and held his face to make sure, he gets the point across.

“I’m sorry,”

“Hey, don’t be. I’m sorry I still keep on making jokes about Trixie and I, just —I’m here, Justin. I’m here now. I’m sorry I hadn’t called you. I’m sorry I let it get this way”

“I was the one who let it get to this.”

“Will you please stop blaming yourself? We’ll be okay. We’re okay. Plus, you weren’t the only one who was scared shitless and got fucked up at the thought of losing us.”

Brian used the word us, and Justin could now believe that they’ll be okay. Brian really had this calming effect on him. Maybe because of the blue eyes or just how he knows what to say anytime.

“Does that mean we’re not breaking up?”

“I’m disappointed at myself that you even considered that,” Brian was about to kiss Justin, but the taller queen stops him. “I’m drunk,”

“That’s fair,” but Brian still kissed him, and Justin could feel the difference in this kiss. Brian was trying to get a point across, and Justin could understand it, he could melt into the kiss.

When they break apart, Brian had showered his face with kisses and embraced him. Justin lets himself fall into Brian’s warmth.

“Hey,” Brian calls, and pulls out of the hug gently. “You know I love you, right?” Justin nods now, having gained confidence from their talk.

“Do you still feel like drinking?” Oh, Justin had almost forgotten that he had gotten drunk, the heat that the alcohol gave him was replaced by a warm fuzzy feeling only Brian could give him.

“No, um, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“I don’t want to pressure you into anything, you can get rid of the bottles in your own time or if you want me to do it, just tell me.” Brian prepares to stand up, and kiss Justin’s head.

“Now, come on up, you need a shower.”

“Help me clean first?”

Brian was surprised by Justin’s decision, but he was glad to help his lover.

They had cleaned the place, Justin making sure he grabbed every bottle and placed it on the trash bag Brian was holding. They had cleaned up after that and tidied the room. They ordered room service and had a Golden Girl’s marathon.