#tw for

i have never been more anxious in my life. i have never been more terrified, more afraid for what comes next. im scared of so many things that i wont mention for fear of making myself worse. anxiety rules me, rules over my life, my feelings, my actions, how i treat others. it's all i think about, the doom in my personal life and the doom of the world. it is impossible for me to try to convince myself everything will be okay, because every other scroll on every social media is "everyone's gonna die from this or that or whatever! the world is ending!" i feel like i'm dying or am gonna die constantly, do you realize how fucking exhausting that is? how exhausted i am? i am in a constant state of flight or flight, of paralyzing fear, a prey animal succumbing to its fate with fear in its eyes and heart. i pray to god every night to please keep my family safe, keep the world safe, and maybe if it isn't too much trouble, keep me safe. i'm terrified of death, more of my family dying than me, but im still so scared that if there is a hell, i'd go there, because im a horrible person. i would love to spend eternity somewhere nice with everyone i love, if thats what death and the afterlife is. i can only hope its that or reincarnation into a better, healthier, happier being. i need a break, i need to feel normal again, without pain or crippling anxiety. i can only dream about that right now. weed and music are really all thats keeping me here. this pain is so bad i'd rather face the terror of death than stay in it. i wish i could cut myself again. it was a pain i could control and focus on, and heal myself from so easily. i need it back. i need myself back. he's hiding somewhere deep inside me, cowering as everything is going dark and rotting in there. i hope i'll see him again. i hope i'll live. but it's not certain. i can only pray and hope that god will have some mercy and free me from this hellish nightmare.

Oh btw don’t listen to the tags, I forgot to add mention, and description of cannibalism soooo..

vincent can just die and be fine and we should talk about that more i think what is going ON with him

It's been so many years. I've listened to this on loop to fall asleep many times. Watched it on loop. It feels very therapeutic. I really care for it. I hope it never dies.