Late night ramblings on life
As the year comes to an end, I find myself more and more each day thinking about all that has happened in 2016, all that I have learned from it. This has probably been the year i have grown the most, and most rapidly. I have felt lost and broken, my life as I knew it shattered because of my actions. I learned more than ever before that love is a choice you make every day, there are infinite struggles and the purpose of relationships isn’t pure happiness, but growth.
I have felt lost and alone and then founds and worthy of love again, I have understood the world isn’t black and white, but endless shades of gray. I have understood the power or human connection and chemistry, and how deceiving it can be at the same time.
I have learned more about myself than ever before: I discovered my MBTI personality type and finally felt home and understood. as a scientist and a perfectionist, being able to classify my personality and give it an explanation allowed me to finally understand myself and that my introversion,perfectionism, deep idealist and emotions are what make me who I am and I cannot aspire to be anything else but the best version of myself.
I have understood how strong I can be, how hard work and dedication pay off when crossing the finish line of the first half marathon in 1h53′.
And I have gotten lost one again: I have felt lost in my PhD project more times than not, stuck chasing down unrealistic self-imposed deadlines with no true idea of where the endpoint would be. I have been arrogant to think I cannot make stupid mistakes to then realize one such mistake cost me three months of work for myself and a student.
I have realized time and time again that superwoman syndrome is real, and I have a tendency to take on more than i can. Yet I understood I have a need to do so, to feel important and needed by others, at the centre of action but never in the spotlight.
I have been slowly letting the idea of becoming a scientist sink in a little more each day: the idea of being a PI as a career scares the hell out of me; I am petrified I won’t be able to make it and I am petrified how that failure would affect me.
And just now, writing this, I realize that although I am a perfectionist and one to worry about the future and I should accept these qualities, I cannot let them rule my emotions and scare me.
So 2016, I leave you with a heavy heart: you have brought so much pain and confusion, a shattered heart, you have reminded me I am no Scientist yet and you have blindfolded me and brought me to the middle of a maze with is my PhD. But I took off the blindfold and am making my way to the exit: I took a wrong turn some months ago but I am back on the right track (and I know it’s the right track), approaching September 2017 scared but determined. I have picked up the pieces of my shattered heart... and of Mattia. We rebuilt our hearts, sometimes mixing up the pieces. Actually I think I might have a piece of his and him a piece of mine now. We have learned to power of love and forgiveness and I am happy each day for the choices made. I have gained friends I never thought I would be this close to, and I have understood more of friends I had close, I have learned so much about people and how they relate.
So 2016, thank you for all the hardness you have given me: I know we can only grow from hardship and growth is what we should always strive for. I can approach 2017 with clear goals in mind: I feel like for the first time in months I can think clearly: I am no longer oppressed by my work and project, I can take it head on, humbly, remembering this is the time to learn get the most out of my PhD. And i can finally start the final countdown to my long distance relationship: we are almost there and I cannot wait for us to be living finally together.
– You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.–
