#turning25

my childhood ends even though it has never even started. i never got to be a kid. i never got to be a teenager. never got to try things out.

my childhood will end before it started, in quiet because nobody remembers my birthday. i will be alone, the 25th time, and i will watch myself fade away.

"it's not fair" i tell myself but it will not bring my diagnosis earlier and it will not bring my childhood back.

and i will grieve all the missed experiences, all the joy, all the curiosity and laughter that was alright to display as a child but is now considered a symptom. i will grieve all the bonds i fed into and how deeply i loved when no one even asks for my birthday.

I turn 25 in 7 days and I quite my job by text a month ago. People keep asking me what I want to do; and honestly I do not have a clue.

For the past week I have been at my parents house sitting with my cat that I picked out when I was 12. I do not have many friends and I spend most of my days laying in my bed; and everyone keeps asking me what I want to do.

My dad tells me I should go back to school for journalism and my mom said I should work in childcare. I have a degree in Theatre and Business, which seemed like a good idea at 19, but now I don't know what to do.

My cousin gave me $400 because he felt bad for me. I deferred my October car payment and my sister is asking me to go out on Halloween. I have never been so without a plan or direction of what I should do.

Don't ask me about dating; I'll probably die alone. Meeting people give hyperventilations. Painting rocks for my mom and watching two season of Vampire Dairies are the biggest things I have accomplished in the past week. I quite therapy because we found out that I am the problem.

I self sabotage myself. I have one more year more year until I am off my parents insurance. I am too emotional and cry at almost everything. I am an opinionated and high-strung woman I think doing nothing is better than trying; then there is no disappointment or embarrassment.

I spend my hours scrolling on my phone witness the lives of others. In my bubble I am safe. Full of delusions and mind tricks. On my own I can be anything; an artist, an activist, a person.

At this point in my life, I feel like I'm at a place where I genuinely feel content and confident in who I am. There are definitely lots of things I'm working on to better myself and I still have lots of breakdowns with tears, but at my core, I feel comfortable in my own skin and know my worth and the things I want.

Some things I dream about achieving in the next couple years:

Working towards becoming a nurse and starting a new career that aligns with my values, challenges me, and brings me joy 🏥

Hopefully moving back to the west coast 🌲

Doing more yoga and get back to running hehe 🧘‍♀️

Traveling to new places 🤙

I've also been kind of secretly daydreaming more about a future that I hadn't really thought about up until like the last few months.

I want to get engaged and marry someone I love and admire 🥰

I know planning pregnancies is hard but I've always dreamt of becoming a mom and I still feel that being a parent will be one of the most rewarding and special things ever 😊

I want a cute cuddly dog 🐕

I've never really been one to daydream and have always thought of myself as practical. Maybe it's part of growing up and feeling more comfortable with who I am and where I'm at. Or maybe my ovaries are sending signals to my brain, idk. Anyways, I know for some, becoming an adult and "settling down" sounds daunting and almost like losing your own independence. But I tend to think of these dreams as exciting and happy and cozy and warm ❤ I don't think of it as losing my independence but of adding more to my life. I mean how special does getting married or starting a family sound!

I know these are extremely gigantic steps and turning points of life and I don't want to rush into them or make silly choices. But I feel prepared to start thinking and talking about them. I guess the hard part is being patient if your partner isn't ready to think about these things yet or realizing how different your views on these things may be. What stresses me out is the thought of my biological clock ticking and possibly running out of time to make my dreams a reality or the bleak thought that maybe the person you love right now could be different from the person you're meant to do life with. The more I think about this, the more lost I feel, even though these dreams really do excite me...