#turdman

Today, our hero has been out and about, having a grand old time. However, Turdman was not prepared for such an adventure, while it had been planned before hand, he was not quite feeling himself and up to the task...

Turdman: *Thinking to himself.* Oh geez... It's been awhile since I've said something... I should really speak... Like say literally anything... Why did I come out today? I should have just been honest, either way I'm a disappointment, at least I wouldn't have been an awkward disappointment! Ah man, I still haven't said anything, just anything will do buddy! Come on... *Turdman then says something really dumb and fairly mean.* WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT!? YOU THOUGHT THEY'D LIKE THAT? HOW!? WHY!? APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW! *Outloud.* Oh sorry, that was rude... I'm sorry, I'm just trash, that was way too harsh, sorry......... Sorry. *In head again.* STOP SAYING SORRY YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE! *Outloud.* Sorry, I'll stop saying sorry... That was awkward huh?... Sorry about that. *In head.* OKAY JUST STOP WHO LET YOU OUT TODAY!? Just... Go back to saying nothing...

Our intrepid hero has been visiting a lot of random and ultimately pointless stuff from his past. This has re-sparked something within him that he thought long gone. Little did he know that it simply lay dormant, buried beneath lay upon layer of sad repressed childhood/early teen memories.

Turdman: *Is watching entry level anime.* Oh man it'd be so rad to own some merch...

Turdman: *Is playing a very old RPG.* Oh man it'd be so rad if I could buy this item...

Turdman: *Is watching Transformers.* OH man... These robots are so rad... It'd be great to own a few of the toys... I could like.. Put them on a shelf...

This was only the beginning, Turdman himself never stopped wanting to spend money on the things he enjoyed... What he had awoken was much older and stranger than that...

Turdman: *Stares at his toy dinosaur and spaceship.* ...

He can feel it, growing within him... An urge... A deep old and forgotten urge... He wanted to...

Turdman: I WANNA PLAY WITH MY TOYS! I FORGOT YOU COULD DO THAT! HELLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Combat begins! Can our heroes survive an imaginary encounter?

Turdman: Okay so the order is: Friendino 1, Goblin 1, 2, 3 then uh, do you want to join in? Anyone?

Friendino 3: Yeah I will, I just want to kill something

Turdman: Understandable, yo go last by default then. Friendino 1, what do you do?

Friendino 1: Well I only have melee weapons so... I attack the guy on his butt... With my hammer.

Turdman: Roll for it! Smack dat ass.

Friendino 1: *Rolls low* REALLY!?

Turdman: You miss, GG scrub. Goblin 1... *Rolls low* Misses... Goblin 2 *Rolls low* Misses and finally Goblin 3... *Rolls low again* Misses! Oh how god darn eventful! Friendino 3 you're up!

Friendino 3: I blast a Goblin in a tree, which ever is closest...

Turdman: Okay, sure... You see it somehow... Sure... Roll!

Friendino 3: *Rolls really high* Hella.

Turdman: The goblin explodes in a shower of blood and gore... The rest attempt to run away in fear. Responses?

Everyone: We hunt the suckers down!

Last time our hero was attempting to play D&D with his inept friends. Hilarity was surely to ensue.

Turdman: Okay so they're un in the trees and all you have are melee weapons... What do you do?

Friendino 1: I make everyone help me.

All the others: We refuse.

Turdman: Plan B?

Friendino 1: Well since I clearly have no other choice... I attack the tree...

Turdman: ... You... Attack... The tree?.. You're just going to smack a tree and hope for the best?

Friendino 1: Yes. Exactly.

Turdman: Sure, go for it. Attack the tree.

Friendino 1: *Rolls a natural 20* YES! AHAHAHA! TAKE THAT YOU STUPID TREE! I AM THE MASTER OF HITTING LARGE INANIMATE TARGETS!

Turdman: *Deep sigh of frustration.* Fine! You hit the tree so hard you shake the goblin out. *Rolls dice* The goblin sprains it's ankle from the fall, thus is immobilized. roll for initiative!

Our hero has been very busy lately, doing nothing but he still feels like it was busy. This is a tale of Turman's experience doing his best to DM for his inept pals.

Stage 1: It begins.

Turdman: Okay so theres a horse, it's been shot, what you wanna do?

Friendino 1: Get out and check that shit.

Turdman: You just gonna roll out or do you all wanna stop the carriage?

Friendino 2: We wanna stop it, duh.

Turdman: Okay so the carriage stops, who wants to get out first?

Friendino 1: Me! I'll get out, I have my shield on my back so I can't possibly die right?

Turdman: Uh... Sure. Does anyone want to go with them?

The rest of the group: Nah man, they've got this covered.

Turdman: If you say so. Do you wanna approach the horse?

Friendino 1: Ye, what do I find?

Trudman: You notice that it is A) A horse and B) Dead. *Rolls dice*

Three arrows go whizzing past your head from the trees. Any reactions?

Friendino 1: I throw my shit and yell at everyone.

Everyone else: We do nothing, they've got this covered.

Friendino 1: I hate you all!

Turdman: And so it begins.

Our intrepid hero has been amazingly lazy lately and has accomplished nothing whatsoever in the past week, other than confuse himself and a lot of his friends. So heres a thing for you while we wait for his life to be interesting again!

Turdman: I have been traveling for so long, but I must complete my quest, my family is depending on me! I will return home!

Turdman has been sent on a long and difficult journey to retrieve a most valuable item from a far away land, he must travel to the top of Mt. Town and make a trade with the guardians of fresh produce.

Turdman: There it is! I can see the holy lights! I will follow them to my destiny and secure the sacred liquid of the gods!

Turdman walks into the supermarket and buys some milk for like £1.50, then leaves happily.

Turdman: I have done it! I have secured to sacred liquid of multiple uses! Now I can once again drink tea while I watch cartoons! I am the master of the universe!

Master of the Universe: Woah woah woah, no no no! I am, that's ME you're talin-... Is that milk? Did you walk all the way up here for milk? Dude theres a local store like 30 seconds from where you live, why the heck did you walk up HERE?

Turdman: I have no idea!