Warnings: Minor character death, discussion of funeral arrangements, cremation
Brother Hawley had arrived at Ryneminster already a young man. He was not new to the Church of the Night Father, of course, he had been cloistered at a smaller enclave east of Rathburch since he was a boy, but Ryneminster's old sactrist had passed away and the Abbot Kentigern had written to the Abbot Indract and requested they send their most meticulous brother. Indract had sent Hawley.
So it was that, green as he was, Hawley was installed in Ryneminster as the under-sacrist beneath the Abbot Kentigern himself. He knew the job inside and out, the bells were rung on time, the candles were always resfreshed, and there wasn't a flask of oil misplaced. Hawley was, for all intents and purposes, a perfect sacrist. At least, from the outside.
The day Hawley had met Brother Meregrund was not memorable in the slightest. He had been part of a group introduction in the scriptorium, alongside Brothers Jermin, Tancred, Ruffin, and Guthlac, and had not stood out in particular. He was a larger man the others, not in height but certainly in frame, and his skin was a shade darker, but there was little else to distinguish him. It wasn't until several months after Hawley first arrived at Ryneminster that he came to remember Meregrund's name out of anything other than professionalism.
Brother Guthlac had been of an age where his skin seemed little different to the parchment he had spent so many years painting, brittle and translucent. His limbs were spindly, thin in places and knobbly about the joints, and though his illuminations were by far the best in the scriptorium, it took three times as many candles to cast enough light on the parchment for him to see clearly enough to work. All of that is to say that very few were surprised by his death, he simply slipped into the Night Father's arms quietly and was not noticed until the bells were rung for dawn prayers and for the first time in nearly eighty years, Brother Guthlac did not attend.
It was Hawley's job to see him sent into the night with correct ceremony, and it was in the sacristy, preparing for that ceremony, that Brother Meregrund found him.
"I do not mean to disturb, Brother Hawley, only I had a request to make of you. I shall not be offended if your answer is no, but I would regret not taking the chance to ask."
Hawley regarded him for a moment, his usually bright demeanour was dimmed with grief, the kind not simply for a brother, but for a friend. He bid him continue.
"I work in the gardens as well as the scriptorium, and Brother Guthlac taught me all I know about the plants there. He showed me how to mix madder root, and properly prepare turnsole and crocus. Without his instruction there would likely be not a drop of ink in all of Ryneminster." He sighed and reached into his habit, producing a small pouch. "He was a gentle soul, and never more at peace than when in his garden. I know it is not usual to change the incense, but I think he would appreciate being sent off with something more familiar."
He handed the pouch to Hawley almost sheepishly. Upon opening it, Hawley was met with the distinct bouquet of dried lavender. Sure enough, in the small bag was a selection of round, grey blossoms.
"It is not usual, you are correct. Lavender has a strong presence, the Abbot will notice it amongst the balsam and torchwood."
Meregrund's expression did not change, but Hawley could see a light dim in his eyes. His answering smile was sad.
The disappointment in his voice stung more than Hawley had expected, and watching him walk away, lavender pouch cradled gently between his hands, he couldn't help but feel that he had made the wrong choice.
On the day of Guthlac's funeral, the pyre seemed too large for the frail body lain atop it, but smaller still was the congregation there to bid him farewell. It appeared that Guthlac had kept to himself so much in his later years that many of the younger monks did not deem him relevant enough to attend his funeral. Hawley was surprised to find that despite his earnest pleas the day prior, Brother Meregrund was not in attendance either. This would have been a blow to Guthlac, and Hawley felt sorry for it.
Nonetheless, he swung the thurible, in swirling patterns about the pyre as he spoke the last rites in a clear but sombre voice. He set the candle to the south west corner, then to the south east, then to the north east, but before he could light the last finial wick, he heard a voice from behind him.
Hurrying towards the pyre as best he could was Brother Meregrund, his arms laden with what appeared to be over half a garden's worth of fresh lavender stems, so many they were all but spilling from his embrace. He stepped up to the pyre, caring little for the flames slowly engulfing it, and released the flowers in a blanket atop his friend and mentor. The sight and smell of the lavender swathed the scribe's small body like a shroud, in shades of green and grey and purple.
Meregrund watched Hawley carefully for any sign of rebuke. Their eyes did not leave one another's, even as Hawley lit the final corner and stepped back as the flames rushed over Guthlac and his flowers alike.
All the while the flames flickered in Meregrund's gaze, and Hawley felt a heat within his own chest that had nothing to do with the fire. Finally, Meregrund nodded minutely, a thank you, before closing his eyes and breathing in deeply, the smell of the lavender overwhelming the usual funerary incense. Somehow it felt right.
That moment, watching the Meregrund in the glow of the flames, in mourning but at peace with his actions, rooted a profound respect in Hawley that simply could not be shaken. He felt shame at his own inability to make such a meagre exception to routine, one that may not have made any true difference to the sending of Brother Guthlac's soul, but certainly made a difference to Meregrund's.
Hawley made a point of visiting Meregrund in his garden after that. As he walked along the gravel paths between the loamy herb beds he saw the shorn lavender bushes and his shame swelled within him.
"Brother Meregrund." He said softly as he approached, voice less certain than it perhaps had ever been.
Meregrund looked up from his spot, knelt by a patch of tansey. Whatever Hawley had expected to find in his gaze, it was not there. Instead there was unexpected warmth.
"Brother Hawley, it is not often you grace our poor garden with your presence. How may we be of service?"
Hawley felt a blush rush to his cheeks. "It is not the garden I came for, I wished to speak to you. About Brother Guthlac."
Meregrund hummed thoughtfully and stood, brushing the soil from his hands on his habit. "Perhaps we should take a walk, then?"
Nodding, Hawley followed Meregrund further along the path. "I wished to apologise, for denying you the easier path. I feel that any rebuke the Abbot may have given you should more deservedly be given to me."
"Whyever do you think that?" Meregrund replied.
"It was cruel of me to deny such a request when it was asked so humbly. It would have been such a minor change to routine, and one that would have been easy for me to explain. Instead I forced you into a position where more drastic action had to be taken. I regret this."
Sighing, Meregrund led him around to where the lavender bushes had been blooming. "No action that was taken was required of me, Hawley. Guthlac was like family to me, and his death affected me profoundly, but I let that grief get the better of me. You were well within your rights to deny my request, and I did not begrudge you it. In my grief I cut down the lavender bushes that Guthlac had loved so much, thinking that they would ease his passing into the arms of our Father Night. Instead, with greater clarity now than I had before, I realise that he would have preferred the bushes to continue to grow and flourish, not burn with him. That is a shame I must carry with me."
"If I had not denied you your pouch of dried flowers, you never would have thought of doing such a thing." Hawley said, his voice rough.
"Perhaps. But look here, see how even though the flowers were cut, the bush has already started growing anew."
Sure enough, Hawley knelt down to see green shoots beginning to sprout at the junctions where they had been cut.
"Life is forgiving of our mistakes, should we not also be forgiving to one another, and to ourselves?"
Hawley looked into Meregrund's dark eyes then and felt such fondness blossom in his chest it took all his willpower then not to kiss the man. To take his face between his hands and press their lips together. To pour this new affection into it just so that he might share in this revelation.
He had never found anyone as beautiful as he found Meregrund in that moment, all of his passion and impulsivity tempered by gentle care and understanding. He could not sully this man with such thoughts, yet he ached for it.
"Perhaps I may be more inclined to forgive myself if I were allowed to make amends somehow." Hawley said at last.
"There are no amends to make, but if you wish to help this garden in Guthlac's memory, we would be very grateful."
Hawley agreed readily, and with the acceptance of that task came the acceptance that this seed lodged in his heart was sure to germinate under the warmth of Meregrund's friendship. The fragrant blossom of love that he would hold silently in his chest until the end of his days.