#ttcoverayear

I see other women who were trying to conceive just like me...move on to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. I want that, too. I sit here, trying to gather up all the strength, patience and positivity within me. Hubby is sitting next to me on the couch. My eyes glued onto Tumblr, while he's studying for school. I feel his hand reach for mine every couple minutes because he can sense that my thoughts consume me. I love that he knows me so well. I hope so much that we can be parents someday. I cannot say this enough.

I didn't really want to say anything, until I knew more, but with it being over year since my last miscarriage, I can't help but feel heartbroken all over again. And it's October (Miscarriage & Infant Loss Awareness Month), so I'm just an emotional wreck right now. *** September 30, 2016 At 0600, I got a positive pregnancy test. I shed tears of happiness but also tears of fear because I want this so badly. Hubby and I want this so much. Please let everything be ok. October 4, 2016 I started to get pink spotting about 2 days ago. The pink spotting turned into brown spotting yesterday, and the amount increased to a point where I had to change my pad every couple hours. Today, I see red dropping into the toilet when I go pee. My breasts also feel less sore. Call me crazy but I do feel "less pregnant." I'm not feeling very optimistic about this at all. This morning, I sit in my OB-GYN office, waiting to get my labs drawn. The doctor ordered to check my Progesterone and HCG levels. She doesn't want to do an ultrasound because she thinks it's too early. I'm scheduled to have one a week from Friday and I sort of feel like it's pointless. I'm sitting here in the waiting room, and I can't bear to look up because there are 2 pregnant women sitting right in front of me. Here I am sitting in a chair, feeling blood dripping into my pad, and I can't look up because I feel anger, sadness, and shame. This is just so fucked up.

This Sunday should be interesting.