I’d had enough. 

Tired, cranky, ready to throw something in the air and hoping it was a glass bottle so I could hear the satisfying break, I knew I needed to come back to self fast, before I collapsed in a nervous breakdown. My relationship was suffering, my connection to myself was suffering and my self- hatred was returning with a vengeance. The emotional roller coaster ride of TTC, the daily grind as I sometimes call it was beginning to send me down on a slow ride to depression. Rather than getting juiced up and excited I was beginning to imagine myself as an orange going through a meat grinder. Yuck.

I lay on my bed with my journal and a pen; my tools of discovery and meditation. The two things I avoid and relish at the same time. I wrote down “The Four Pillars” and guidance came into me and through me. Connections were made, my intentions were getting clear and I began to feel the rush of love, and excitement flood through me once more. All my problems weren’t gone, nor were the steps I was resisting to take, but when I finished my lists I had direction, and for anyone going through TTC who feels as though they lack direction, you know how good it feels to have that light.

The power of setting my intent…

I created my four pillars. Each one has its own purpose, and together they help me to create harmony in my life.  I often struggle with looking at all the different parts that make up my personal and interpersonal story. Life is a constant transformation, and with transformation comes evaluation. While labels aren’t entirely my thing [yes I know I am one of those ladies] I find that having a specific label for the areas of my life that are important helps me to define where I am heading, and clarifies the steps I need to take to reach my dreams. Below here are the Four Pillars I created for myself.

Feel free to explore these for yourself, or create your own. You may have two pillars or ten depending on the focus in your life. You can do this for yourself, or with your partner. I recommend doing it for yourself first, your primary focus should always be brought back to yourself. You are the one living your life.

Food: What you eat & your thoughts about it. Movement: How you spread and increase your energy. Knowledge: What you learn and integrating it. Soul: Your path and passions and how you live it, feel it and know it.

From these pillars I gave myself a deadline. One of the things I find myself doing when I feel like I am floundering is overwhelm myself with “what ifs” and “how long will this take” by giving myself my own time limit I give myself the power I need to motivate movement towards each pillar, in a time that feels right and works for me. [You can always reassess this if you need more time, or complete it before the deadline. For me I set these next goals for the next month.

What does the next month look like to me- June 2oth- July 2oth ?

Food: Adopt a Diabetic lifestyle [Foodie Life] Movement: Yoga Classes once a week and 30 minutes movement a day Knowledge: Learn about Pre-conception- Pregnancy and After Birth Soul: Create practices [rituals] and meditation [Draw upon my Pagan life]

There is something freeing about making lists; writing down your intentions, it always excites me and grounds me, when I can take all those buzzing aspirations from my mind, and put them down to paper, where I can work with them, break them down, and make an actionable plan that [while flexible] can steer me in the direction of bringing things into being. 

The next step was that I broke them down further. For this, I only chose five steps for each pillar. Anymore and I get overwhelmed. I want to be realistic about what I can do, and also have a few ‘reach for the stars’ intentions that I know may take me longer, that I can start on.

Food • Create a Diabetes weekly meal plan • Weekend cooking [Bulk meals to freeze] • Investigate Low-Gi and Pcos friendly treats [ I am in serious need of some treats] • Understand how food plays an important part in my emotion al wellbeing • Make a list of things I can and can’t buy to take shopping with me

Movement • Join Time for Yoga’s New Student offer • Practice techniques – a new one each week • Walk 30 minutes a day – [Two 15 minutes if needed] • Dance 10-15 minutes a week [in whatever way I feel guided] • Every fortnight go on a botanical gardens walk

Knowledge • Create a questions/curious list • Dedicate 30 minutes a day to investigating each question • Be more active in forums/community • Seek counseling and or coaching or a group to learn from • Read 3 books about TTC life max at one time [as to not be overwhelmed]

Soul Source out Fertility items: Crystals and Herbs Look into getting an acupuncture session Meditate 20 minutes daily [Writing- Music- Healing] – More on why Writing is meditation to me later. Seek mythology to inspire the divine feminine energy Write to my baby regularly

I also added a list for Financial Goals. This one is a challenge, and I am slowly taking baby steps. Some days are harder than others; for the most part I have managed to be thrifty and smart.

Financial Budget – Checking it over at the start and end of every week Second hand hunting – Everyday 25 minutes online Larger Goals – Setting up a savings fund for school and my baby

That is my Four Pillar system to harmonizing my life. The goals will change, and grow as I do. Each day, week or month and that’s okay. I know that to shift things and to reevaluate is an important part of the process, right up there with beginning and reaching the destination. Let’s face it, we never reach it in exactly the way we sought out go get there, and that is the beauty of it. 

It gets me thinking though. If my peers are just now having kids why do I think I'm done? But then the other part of me reminds me that I don't want another loss.

But what if the next time goes right?

Also, my fingernails still grow like crazy but they break easier now.

It will be interesting to see how she does with this pregnancy - the fears of having another loss, etc.

I am happy for her....but....I think I'm also jealous.