#tryingtolove

It's as tough as getting you to like....no, love me back.

Had a really good conversation with my mother in law yesterday. It was exactly what I needed. I'm going to rededicate to myself. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I've been so wrapped up in making sure that everyone else is okay. I've pushed my true feelings, hopes, dreams, and passions aside (unknowingly, and so slyly) for everyone around me ((and no, i'm not saying that i in ANY form or fashion regret it, because I don't)) I just need to remember what used to make me happy. Because i'm not happy.. flat out. Not. I'm miserable. Inside and out of my skin. I'm not me. I'm a shell of myself. A chipped and flawed shell. and it's time that i slowly paint the layers of myself back on. Obviously not something that I can do overnight. I want to read more, love more, paint more. I want to soak up the sun and enjoy life again. I want to stay up way too late laughing with my friends. I want to wake up in the morning and feel so incredibly blessed to be alive. To have such an amazing support system (even if everyone has their own lives, problems, and whatnot to attend to). To have a husband who sits with me and rubs my back while i cry for no apparent reason, or listen to me talk in the middle of the night because I can't sleep... so we just lay there and talk. I know that I am blessed to have them all in my life, I get that. I just.... I have to focus on myself again.. I have to find myself again. I hope that people can (or try to) understand.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of dying and want to live. I’m afraid of living and dream of death. I’m afraid of waking up because life is terrible. I’m afraid of falling asleep because I’m embracing lies. I’m afraid of morning because it means there’s an entire day to not screw up. I’m afraid of dusk because I’ve done so little with so much. I’m afraid to speak because I’ll spout stupidity and hurt. I’m afraid to stay quiet because I don’t want things to get worse. I’m afraid to explain myself, because nobody will understand me, and I’ll be an even bigger fool. I’m afraid to explain myself, because someone might understand and realize I have nothing worth saying. I’m afraid of being outgoing, because others might reject me. I’m afraid of others being outgoing, because I might reject them. I’m afraid of starting relationships, because they’ll end. I’m afraid of settling, because I should’ve waited and found better. I’m afraid of not settling, because I deserve worse. I’m afraid of loving, because I might not be loved back. I’m afraid of being loved, because I might not love them back. I’m afraid of what I want, because I don’t need it. I’m afraid of what I was given, because I’ll lose. I’m afraid of being afraid, because nobody understands this. I’m afraid everyone understands this, but they’re too afraid like me. I’m afraid of being alone in fear. I’m afraid of being fearful with someone. I’m afraid of trying to explain, of trying to love, of trying to hold. Because I’ll fail. But I know I must try, even though I’ll fail. Because I don’t want to be afraid anymore.