#tryingtodeal

My soundtrack until ???? #tryingtodeal #whyohwhy #ChrisCornellRIP #so-much-talent

Back at it again can't please anybody but it hurts when it's someone you love and you want to but you have to make your own decisions and fellow them your way I understand her points but I need to do what I think is right and for me even though if she doesn't agree with it

I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to handle the guilt I feel inside of me right now for what I chose to do. I don't know how to look in the mirror and even begin to love the person I see or begin to forgive myself. I don't know how to lie to someone when they ask if I'm okay. I don't know how to look at my girlfriend in the eye and tell her that I can handle this... that I won't get bad again when I just don't know if I can.. I think the reason I won't let this be reality for myself is because I know that once it hits reality in my head, everything will go down hill from there. I know that nothing will make me stop hating myself. I know that part of me will feel lost and know that part of me will be lost. Eventually reality will kick in and it will hit me like a big yellow school bus and ill hit rock bottom and won't be able to fake a smile or a strong face anymore... because ill be broken. I know I should get help and talk to a professional, but how do you do that when you're ashamed and overwhelmed with guilt? Can you lie? Probably not. Everyone can see right through me when I lie and say I'm okay. How do you face yourself when you feel like the worst person in the world and you feel like everyone thinks the same thing about you that you do?

And after getting off the phone with her I just want to vomit.