The Night Comes Down || Brian May x fem!Reader x Roger Taylor
summary || one of the first rules youâd ever made with brian, your friends-with-benefits, eight months ago, was that anyone could back out of the arrangement at any time, for whatever reason, and then everything would go back to normal. back to how it was. and thatâs fine. you have no problem with that. youâre fine. youâre so fine. itâs... fine.
rating || no smut, but some implied explicit content. warning: there is a brief scene where reader is being heavily pressured into kissing someone at a party.
word count || 9.7k
authorâs notes || all good things must come to an end! so iâve been working on this series for over a year. how did that even happen?? anyway yes this is the end of the try series. no itâs not a happy ending. i debated back and forth for a long time whether to end the series or not, but it felt too weird not to. and i couldnât figure out any reasonable âhappyâ way for it to end. a big big big thank you to everyone whoâs stuck with me for this entire journey, or part of this journey, or even if youâre just tuning in now - thank you! and if youâre still somehow invested in this little âverse after all this time, donât abandon me just yet đ p.s. i think iâve ironed out most of the timeline issues but donât look too closely. this series is not my proudest in terms of continuity
masterlist
tag list: @the-huttslayerâ @scorpiogemini @redspecialtyâ @supersonicfreddieâ @killer-queen-xoâ @a-night-at-the-0peraâ @rogerscupboardâ
   Part of you had known it was inevitable. Another part of you liked to pretend that it wasnât. But it was.
   It still felt like it had come out of nowhere, though.
   Brian was watching you cautiously, adjusting the grip on his laptop and workbook. âDid you⌠want to say anything, orâŚ?â
   âUmâŚâ You blinked a couple times, and shook your head. âUh, no, Iâm just⌠surprised?â
   âI feel like Iâve mentioned her a few times,â Brian said.
   âOnce or twice, maybe,â you said. âI didnât know that you and herâŚâ
   âYeah.â Brian scratched the back of his neck. âYeah, we hooked up, like, two weeks ago, and then again a few nights ago, and weâve been talking every day, so.â
   âOh.â It sounded twisted, wonky, but you forced a smile onto your face, wondering why you felt so⌠uncomfortable hearing about this. âThatâs great. And you like her?â
   âYeah, I really do,â Brian said, and his voice sounded warm, and he had a little smile on his face, and something ugly and strange twisted in your gut. âAnd I want to take her on an actual date, but obviously, Iâd feel a bit weird about it if I still had, yâknow. A, uh, side arrangement. But youâre all right?â
   âOf course,â you said brightly. Side arrangement. âYeah, why wouldnât I be? Thatâs great, Brian, really. Iâm â really glad youâve found someone.â
   âItâs been a while, thatâs for sure,â Brian said with a chuckle.
   âAre you going to tell Rog?â
   Brian frowned a little. âUm, no, I donât think thatâs necessary. I never had â anything with him. And heâs already met Dani, so.â
   âOh!â Ah, Christ, that had sounded dreadful, even to your own ears. âWhereâ Whereâd he meet her?â
   âThe other day.â Brian gave you a sheepish smile. âThe morning after. She ran into him in the kitchen.â
   You pushed a strained laugh out of you. âOh, right, yeah, great.â
   Brian chuckled as well. âYeah, it was a little awkward, but what can you do, right?â
   You swallowed, and nodded. Your face hurt from smiling.
   âYouâll love her,â Brian said. âSheâs wonderful. Sheâs so smart, and funny, and sheâs so pretty. I mean, so pretty. Absolutely beautiful. Completely knocked my socks off when I first saw her. Canât believe she fancies me.â
   âGreat,â you said. You were saying great too much. âShe soundsââ Donât. ââso great.â
   âShe is.â Brian beamed. âYouâll have to meet her soon.â
   âIâm sure I will,â you said.
   âYeah, Iâm sure,â Brian said. He sighed happily. âWell, I should head off.â
   âYeah, course,â you said. âMe too.â
   âIâll message you,â Brian said. âWe can arrange a dinner at the flat or something.â
   âCanât wait!â
   Brian smiled, nodded in satisfaction, and then said, âAll right, see you later.â
   âBye!â You turned around and hurried away, in the opposite direction you needed to go.
   Hmm. Huh. Right. Okay. So. Brian just. He just.
   You went to the food court and sat down at the first available seat you could find.
   You took out your phone and immediately went to message Veronica.
   Brian just
   Your thumbs paused.
   He just what? He just found someone he wanted to date, and ended his arrangement with you. On paper, not that big of a deal. It was part of the unwritten contract of it all: any person was allowed to end things for whatever reason, and there would be no consequences. A rule you had written yourself, all those months ago.
   Side arrangement. Side piece. Dirty secret. Not as good as the real thing. Not as funny or smart or pretty or wonderful or beautiful as Danielle.
   You froze. Whoa, where had that come from?
   You werenât jealous. You couldnât have been jealous. Youâd never wanted to date Brian. You still didnât want to date Brian. You didnât have a crush on him, and you never had. Brian didnât break up with you.
   So what the everloving fuck was going on in your head right now?
   You put your phone away. Nope, you couldnât go crying to Veronica for no damn reason. This had always been bound to happen, and now it had, so you just needed an hour or so to process it, and then things would be fine. Youâd go back to normal.
-
   Your idea of ânormalâ seemed to greatly differ from Brianâs.
   You didnât hear from him for a week. Whereas before youâd talked every other day, he went almost totally radio silent. Every meme or message you sent was either seen and ignored, or responded to with a vague Haha or a thumbs-up.
   You met up with Roger on your usual catch-up night, but you hadnât gotten very far into anything before he stopped and said, âYouâre not really feeling it, are you?â
   You made a face. âSorry.â
   âItâs fine.â He passed your shirt to you, and he fetched his from the floor and slipped it on. âSo⌠Brian has a date tomorrow night.â
   You frowned. âHe does?â
   Roger nodded. âYeah, he didnât tell you about it?â
   You looked down at your hands. âUm, no. He didnât. I havenât heard much from him, actually. After he⌠ended⌠things.â
   âWhoa,â Roger said, climbing onto the bed. âWait, really? With you?â
   You nodded, and suddenly felt your throat close over. But you were not going to fucking cry about it, Jesus Christ. You swallowed it down, and gave Roger a mild look of interest. âYeah. I didnât even know he liked Dani, and then I ran into him at uni last week, and he just sort of said, âHey, while Iâm here,â and then that was it. But I didnât know the date was tomorrow night. He didnât tell me.â
   âIâm sure he was just distracted,â Roger said. âHe gets like that with a girl he likes.â He shook his head. âDamn, he must be serious about her.â
   âYeah, must be.â
   Roger paused, and then said, âAre you⌠okay?â
   You shrugged. âYeah, of course I am. Why wouldnât I be?â
   âI dunno, itâs a pretty big⌠thing to have ended.â
   âNo, Iâm fine,â you said lightly, giving him a smile. âWeâre still friends. And Iâve still got you, right?â
   âYeah,â Roger said, although he didnât sound entirely convinced.
   âYeah. So Iâm good.â You sighed, willing away all the gross mess of emotions you were feeling. âIâm not really feeling going all the way, but making out sounds good, if youâre down.â
   Luckily, that immediately distracted Roger, and he didnât ask any further questions. And you poured everything you had into your kisses, hoping it would distract you, too.
-
   You were hoping things would settle down for you, emotionally, over the next two weeks or so.
   But that didnât happen. Everything grew to be so much worse. Exponentially. You didnât know whether you hated Brian, or Dani, or hated them as a couple, or if you just hated yourself. You couldnât bear to be in the same room as the two of them, and you hadnât spoken more than ten words to Dani. The thought of trying to be friends with her turned your stomach. She wasnât particularly annoying, and she wasnât a bad person in any way, but just something about her face and her voice and her fucking presence in your life just infuriated you.
   You couldnât get the idea out of your head that she looked like a mouse. Or a rat. Small pointy nose, big dark eyes, slight buck teeth. She was curvy, and at least a foot shorter than Brian, although it was hard to tell with the heels and platforms she always wore. Her hair was browny-blonde and long and thick, and she wore it slicked back in a pony, like Ariana Grande. Her ears glittered with delicate piercings. She liked to draw on freckles.
   She was pretty. For a rat.
   You did your best to hide how you felt about her. You thought you shouldâve gotten a freaking Oscar for how well you hid it. At least from Brian. On the rare occasion that Dani wasnât by his side, you let him talk about her, and did your best to seem encouraging.
   There was a part of you â a bigger part than you wanted to admit â that believed they were going to break up soon enough. Then things could go back to normal, and this weird hiccup could be forgotten.
   But they didnât break up. They stayed together.
   And so you ended up ranting about it all to Veronica. You knew you were really going on about it, and somehow you kept finding things to say about the situation when you knew there was nothing really more to say. Veronica listened, to a degree. But her advice was sensible and responsible and mature and you really didnât feel like being any of those things. You wanted to throw a goddamn tantrum.
   So you turned to Roger. Thank God for his high sex drive.
   He wasnât completely clueless. You had an air of desperation about you that you knew he could sense, and knowing that was almost enough to make you draw away from him, too.
   Almost. But he always took such good care of you. It was selfish to keep asking him to meet up, but you felt like you would explode if you didnât.
   About a month after Brian and Dani had started dating, you and Roger were making out on the couch. It was rough, as sex frequently had been these past few weeks, and Rogerâs grip on your waist was bruising as you rocked against him. Things were moments away from moving to the bedroom, when the front door opened unexpectedly.
   You quickly looked up, a deer in headlights, and your stomach dropped.
   âOh, sorry,â Brian mumbled, ducking his head.
   âNo, itâs fine,â you said, and youâd tried to go for nonchalant, but your voice came out too sharp.
   Roger tilted his head back. âHi.â
   âHi,â Brian said. You watched as he kicked his shoes off and chucked his keys on the kitchen table.
   âSorry,â he said again, shooting you a quick glance. âIâll just, uhâŚâ
   He hurried to his room.
   There you were, looking already thoroughly debauched, on his couch, in Rogerâs lap, and Brian had just ducked his head and ran.
   You stared after him, your heart twisting around itself. He hadnât even⌠He didnâtâŚ
   Once, he would have taken one look at you and pounced on you. He wouldâve begged to kiss you, wouldâve torn your clothes off.
   Now, he acted like heâd walked in on Roger having a one-night stand with some girl heâd picked up at a bar. He acted like heâd never even been attracted to you at all.
   Was it really so easy for him to move on? Were you really that forgettable?
   âYou all right?â Roger asked, his thumb touching your bottom lip.
   You snapped to look at him. Shit, how much had you let on? âYeah,â you said with a smile. âJust lost in my thoughts, nothing important.â
   âYou sure?â Roger asked.
   You bit your lip and nodded. âMm-hm. How about you take me to your room and fuck all those stupid little thoughts out of me?â
   Roger paused for a moment, like he wanted to say something more, but your tongue darted out, lapping at the pad of his thumb, and you kept your eyes on his as you licked his thumb into your mouth. You watched, half excited, half relieved, as his eyes glazed over, his gaze fixated on your lips around his thumb.
   It sickened you to even think about it, but you definitely had a little voice in the back of your head that hoped Brian could hear Roger fucking you.
-
   âWe should hang out,â you said to Brian. Just over a month, now. Final exams were breathing down everyoneâs necks. It didnât help your situation. âI feel like I never get to see you anymore. Youâre with your girlfriend all the time.â
   Youâd run into him at uni. That was almost the only way you got to see him these days. And he no longer hugged you hello or goodbye, just kept a firm, amicable amount of distance between you.
   He didnât often look you in the eye these days, either. He shifted about whenever you talked, like he wanted to be somewhere else.
   âMm, yeah, maybe,â he said.
   You swallowed down the hurt. âHow about a movie night? Or we could just hang out, just the two of us.â
   âUm.â Brian scratched his nose. âIâm pretty busy at the moment. Maybe we could do a group thing? Thatâd be fun. Me and Dani, John and Veronica, you and Rog.â
   You frowned. âMe and Rog?â
   âYeah.â
   âWeâre not together.â
   Brian shrugged. âI just thoughtâ Well, I think itâd be nice. You two suit each other.â
   âWe donât want to be a couple, Brian. What are you on about?â
   âI just think itâd be good for you, thatâs all. Being in a relationship is, well, really nice, and I think maybe you and Rog should at least give it a go.â
   You were gobsmacked. You wanted to throw something, yell a stern reminder of, Hey, are you fucking stupid? Do you not remember the past eight months of our lives where you seemed perfectly content to not be in a relationship? Remember how many times the two of us were hounded by our friends about dating? You fucking hypocrite.
   But you didnât say any of that. There was an unspoken rule that neither of you ever brought up your old arrangement. It was as if it had never existed.
   Most of the time, it seemed like Brian wished it hadnât. Like it was some embarrassing secret.
   âWell, we donât want that, so you can mind your own business,â you said. âAnd where does Freddie fit into your little equation, anyway?â
   Brian shrugged again. âHe could bring a date along as well, I donât know.â
   âWeâre not going on aâ a quadruple date. Jesus.â
   âJust an idea,â Brian muttered.
   âYou can still hang out with friends without your girlfriend, you know.â
   Brian sighed. âOkay. Well.â
   You sighed as well, gathering yourself. You tried again. âWhat about a party, or something? We havenât been to a party in forever.â
   Brian hesitated. âWell, one of Daniâs friends is having a party this weekend.â
   Not exactly what youâd meant. âMaybe a little group of us could go?â you suggested. âIf Daniâs all right with it? That could be fun.â
   Brian nodded to himself. âYeah,â he said mildly. âYeah, that could work. Iâll ask her.â
   âGreat,â you said with a smile that you most certainly had to force onto your face. You began making a quick retreat, not waiting for him to formulate an excuse. âText me, okay?â
   âYep,â he said, and you could tell he was already forgetting about it completely.
   But, to your surprise, that weekend, you got a text from him. Dani said itâs all right if you and the others want to come along.
   Your lip curled. It hardly sounded like Brian wanted any of you there. great, you replied. pres at yours?
   Iâll actually be having pres at Lachlanâs, Brian sent. Heâs one of Daniâs friends. But Iâll send you the details of the party and Iâll see you there.
   But no one else wanted to come.
   âNo thanks,â Roger grumbled. âIâve met some of Daniâs friends. Theyâre all complete wankers.â
   âBut I donât want to go alone,â you whined.
   âAsk Freddie. Heâs always down for a good time.â
-
   I canât darling, Freddie texted. work early the next day. they said if I turn up hung-over or still drunk one more time theyâll fire me
u donât have to get that drunk, you replied hopefully. just drink a bit and then go home early
   then what would be the point of going lol?? Freddie sent.
-
   âSorry,â Veronica said. âStudying.â
   You sulked. âYou canât afford to take a break just for a couple hours?â
   âNo. And, honestly, I donât want to enable whatever thing youâre going through right now. I think getting drunk around Brian would be a bad idea.â
   âIâll be fine,â you said. âI just want an excuse to hang out as friends, okay? Thatâs all. Itâs not enabling, itâs supporting.â
   Veronica made a sound that told you she disagreed. You huffed and gave up. What did she know, anyway?
-
   âHey, Deaââ
   âIâm not going to that party tonight,â John cut in smoothly, not even looking up from his textbook.
   âButââ
   âIâd rather sever my own foot.â He glanced up at you, giving you an apologetic half-smile. âSorry. I just canât stand being around Brian and Dani. Theyâre insufferable.â
   At least that you could agree with.
-
   everyone else is busy, you texted Brian. You bit your lip, debating whether to ask, but, damn it, fuck it all â can I come to lachlanâs pres and go with u guys?
   It took him two hours to reply. Yeah, sure.
   You felt sick. This was a bad idea.
   It was by far too much trouble for what it was worth to get to Lachlanâs. You were terrified of turning up before Brian and Dani, so you arrived two and a half hours after when you were meant to be there.
   That was better. It was easier to rock up when everyone was already pissed.
   And they were very much pissed. Lachlan answered the door. He was tall and stocky, with brown hair and blue eyes. The sort of guy who looked like heâd played some kind of contact sport in high school, probably football, but now didnât have a regular training schedule, and so was slowly losing the muscle heâd once had, replacing it with beer and burgers. The sort of guy whoâd lose all of his hair by the time he was thirty-five, and get married so heâd have someone to get his beers for him when he was watching the game with the boys. The sort of guy who wanted kids because he liked the thought of telling people he had a couple of boys, rather than actually wanting to be a father.
   Or maybe you were making a snap-judgement.
   You introduced yourself, and he gave you a lopsided, skeezy grin, letting you into his place. âYou here all on your own?â he asked.
   Your shoulders tensed. âNo,â you said. âIâm a friend of Brianâs. Daniâs new boyfriend.â
   âOh, yeah, sure, I know that. But you donât have anyone to bring along with you?â
   âNot tonight,â you said vaguely. âBusy schedules. Finals arenât too far away, and all that.â
   âYeah, sick,â Lachlan said, looking you up and down. âWell.â He gestured with his beer to the crowd. âMake yourself at home.â He shot you another grin that made your hands grow clammy. âIâm glad Dani brought you along. Canât wait to get to know you.â
   You gave him an uneasy smile in return, and frantically looked for Brian and Dani. You found them â Dani was sitting on Brianâs lap, yuck â and fled from Lachlan.
   âHi,â you said.
   âOh, hey,â Brian said, and you could tell right off the bat heâd had a bit to drink already. His hand was splayed over Daniâs thigh, holding her to him, and you couldnât bear to look at it. âThought you werenât gonna come.â
   âIâm just late,â you said. âHello, Dani.â
   She gave you a polite smile, but didnât try to engage in conversation.
   Brian didnât even notice. He squeezed Dani a little bit closer. âWell, you gonna drink?â he said.
   Yes. Yes, you were. You held up your plastic bottle filled with Sprite and too much vodka. âYep.â
   Brian gave you a thumbs-up.
   Dani turned to him. âJust need to go to the bathroom, baby,â she murmured, tapping his hand.
   âAll right, baby,â Brian murmured back, and you only just stopped yourself from making a face. The word baby sounded clunky, uncomfortable coming from Brian. âBe careful.â
   Dani leant in for a kiss, and you turned away, uncapping your bottle and taking a decent swig, grimacing at the burn.Â
   Brian didnât like pet names. You knew he didnât like pet names. And yet this âbabyâ thing had sprung out of nowhere, and it drove you up the fucking wall.
   You listened until the sound of Daniâs heels against the floorboards faded before you spoke. ââBe carefulâ,â you muttered.
   âWhat?â Brian said.
   âSheâs just walking to the toilet,â you said. âNot like sheâs gonna get assaulted on the way.â
   Brian looked mildly annoyed. âI just donât want her to trip and fall over and hurt herself. Sheâs a lightweight, and sheâs wearing heels. Iâm just⌠trying to be a good boyfriend.â
   You sighed. âYeah, okay,â you said, not wanting to hear a word of it. You took another hefty swig of your drink. âI think Iâll, um, join the rest of the party.â
   So much for hanging out with Brian. You wanted to be near him, wanted to talk to him, but you couldnât bear it for more than five minutes.
   You knew what it was â you wanted to talk to him how you used to. But you couldnât do that anymore. Instead you had some weird, watered-down version of the Brian you knew.
   You joined in half-heartedly with a few drinking games, but quickly discovered that you werenât really in the mood for getting smashed anyway.
   Brian and Dani stayed in their own little corner, giggling and whispering with each other, kissing and cuddling and being generally disgusting.
-
   You didnât even think theyâd bother coming to the actual party. But they did, and the group of fifteen or so people in Lachlanâs sharehouse all staggered along the street for about ten minutes to get to the main event.
   Youâd managed to get along well enough with some of the girls, and Lachlan wouldnât leave you alone, so you had no choice but to socialise. Which was good, in a way, because you lost Dani and Brian as soon as you walked into the party.
   Not that you particularly liked the girls you were talking to. Everyone just had such a weird vibe, like they werenât sure if they could be bothered to talk to you, but also felt obliged to make you feel welcome. They kept bursting into laughter and you had no idea why, and no one bothered to explain the jokes. But then they complimented your outfit and asked you how your day had been, and they listened with encouraging nods and wide eyes of interest when you answered. Until someone said something that they found more interesting, and then they turned away from you when you were halfway through a sentence. It was off-putting, to say the least; you couldnât seem to find your footing.
   Lachlan, however, was the icing on the cake. The sour, out-of-date icing on the stale cake. He flirted with you incessantly, either not picking up your clear signals that you werenât interested, or just ignoring them. The others werenât helping, either, egging the two of you on. A whole lot of wink-wink-nudge-nudge that you were not enjoying at all.
   You shouldâve just gone home. You didnât know why you didnât just leave.
   But, for some reason, you stayed. Maybe you hoped that Brian would see your discomfort and come and talk to you â not that youâd seen him for the past hour â or that this strange group of people would want to talk with their friend Dani, and youâd be able to swoop in and catch up with Brian without Dani hanging around awkwardly.
   Whatever it was, it was a stupid reason.
   And then came truth or dare.
   You didnât want to play, but you were roped into it regardless. There was a rule, you found out, that you were allowed to back out of one truth or dare, and you had to drink if you did so â but only the once, so you had to choose wisely. Someone dared you to show everyone what underwear you were wearing.
   Needless to say, you drank instead.
   You could tell that no one was very impressed with any of the dares or questions you came up with, even though your friendship group loved your questions and dares. This group seemed to like the brainless shit â if it was gross, or sexual, or nasty in any way, they were all over it. Barely anyone chose âtruthâ.
   Then it was Lachlanâs turn, and he turned to you. He grinned, and your stomach sank to the floor. âDare you to kiss me,â he drawled, and the crowd gasped and oohâd dramatically.
   You didnât even hesitate to snatch up your cider, but Lachlan quickly said, âYouâve already drunk, you canât do it twice.â
   âWell, Iâm doing it twice,â you snapped, and took a swig.
   You received jeers and boos for that, and Gina, the girl beside you, took your beer from your hand and said, âYou canât do that!â
   âYou gotta kiss me, thatâs the rules,â Lachlan said above the sounds of everyone else.
   âI donât want to,â you said, your voice wavering.
   âYou have to,â said Savannah. âYou have to, you have to, itâs the rules.â
   âCome on,â said â whatever her fucking name was. âStop being such a pussy, just get it over with.â
   Lachlan was starting to look a bit pissed off by now. âFucking hell, just come and kiss me,â he said. âDonât be a bitch about it.â
   Your heart was pounding in your chest, and you could feel your hands starting to shake. âJesus â no, all right? I donât want to,â you snapped.
   The room felt too loud, too stuffy, too overwhelming.
   âLachlan, just think of something else,â you said.
   âOkay, fine, whatever,â Gina complained. âJust do something else.â
   âNo, I gave you a dare already,â Lachlan said sourly. âItâs not even that big of a deal, like, I donât even know what the problem is.â
   âIf she doesnât want to-â
   âThatâs the fucking rules,â Lachlan said, throwing his hands in the air like you were the one being unreasonable. âIs that not the fucking rules? Goddamn.â
   âOkay, then just kiss him already,â said whatever-the-fuck-her-name-was, waving you over. âWhatever, just hurry up.â
   âIâm fucking bored with this shit already,â Savannah said. âJust kiss him or donât kiss him, whatever. God, this party sucks.â
   âIt doesnât suck, sheâs just being a bitch,â Lachlan protested.
   âDonât call me a bitch,â you said.
   âIâm just teasing,â Lachlan said, crawling over to you. You shrunk away from him, your heart beating like a cantering horse, and he grabbed your wrist. âOne kiss, câmon,â he said, his voice light and friendly, like you were happy to play along.
   But you werenât happy to play along. You didnât know if everyone was too drunk to notice your obvious discomfort, or they didnât care, but this was crossing the goddamn line.
   âFuck off, Lachlan,â you said, trying to pull your wrist back. Youâd wanted your voice to be tough, to be assertive, but it was small and weak, and then Lachlan leant in for a kiss.
   You turned your face away. âLachlanââ
   âJust fucking kiss me, for Godâs sake, woman,â Lachlan growled, and grabbed your face with his other hand.
   You pushed his hand away, and, without thinking, blurted out the one word that your panicked brain told you would stop everything in its tracks: âNickleback.â
   âWhat?â Lachlan said, and, good fucking God, of course that wouldnât work, you were such a fucking idiot, and now you had no back-up plan, nothing else to do, and that word was supposed to stop things, why wasnât it stopping thingsâ
   But then Lachlan was gone, and you felt a hand grab your other wrist and yank you up from the floor, and you unthinkingly leant into the body the hand belonged to as you were led from the room and into a bedroom, and the noise around you became muffled as the door closed behind you.
   Then Brian was setting you down on the bed and sitting beside you. In an ideal world, he would have wrapped his arms around you and you wouldâve been able to breathe again, like in a movie, but instead there was an awkward amount of space between you as he gingerly asked, âAre you all right?â
   You barely even snuck a glance at him. You were humiliated by what had just happened, humiliated by needing him to rescue you, humiliated by your desperate craving for his touch, his comfort. You stared at the floor, curling in on yourself, and you nodded silently. Your hands still shook from adrenaline, and you could hear your heartbeat in your ears.
   Brian sighed. âIâm sorry about them. I didnât knowâŚâ
   You shook your head. âItâs fine,â you mumbled.
   Brian said nothing for a while, and then he reached over and patted you on the back. So achingly unfamiliar, and you felt your shoulders grow even more hunched than they already were. You didnât think heâd ever touched you like that. Like you were a complete stranger.
   You ducked your head, squeezing your eyes shut. Donât you dare fucking cry.
   There was a soft knock on the door, and Brian said, âYeah?â
   You glanced up to see Dani poke her head in, and you quickly looked away again. âHey, baby,â she said.
   Your stomach crawled.
   âIs everything okay?â
   âYeah, itâs fine,â Brian said.
   âAll right,â Dani said. You could feel her hovering awkwardly.
   Brian said your name, catching your attention, and then said, âIâll just⌠let you have some time to yourself, all right?â
   You said nothing. You did nothing. And Brian stood up and left the room, closing the door behind him.
   âWhat happened?â came Daniâs voice from just outside the door.
   âLachlan was harassing her,â Brian said.
   âThey were just playing,â Dani said. âTheyâre all drunk, itâs just truth or dare.â
   âNo, I know, butâŚâ
   âYou didnât have to run in there like there was a fire and pull her out of there like that. Everyoneâs going to ask me what that was all about. Where did that come from?â
   Your ears were straining to hear Brianâs response.
   âI⌠I just knew she needed to get out,â he said eventually.
   âShe could have left if she was uncomfortable.â
   âShe gets really anxious sometimes, she just freezes.â
   You realised, then, that he mustâve heard you say âNicklebackâ. He must have heard it and immediately known that something was wrong.
   You groaned quietly to yourself, covering your face with your hands. Your ex-friend-with-benefits had heard you yell out your old safeword in the middle of a party, and had felt obliged to rush in like a knight in shining armour to swoop you to safety. Jesus Christ.
   âSheâs an adult, baby,â Dani said. âIâm sure she was fine.â You heard someone sigh. âItâs sweet that you guys are friends, but you donât have toâŚâ
   âWhat?â
   âLook out for her that much.â
   âWhat do you mean? Sheâs my friend.â
   Dani was silent for a while. âDid you guys used toâŚ?â
   The air was sucked from the room. Your ears strained to hear every word.
   âWhat?â Brian said, clearly thrown.
   âDid you used to date? It just seems likeâŚâ
   âNo,â Brian said quickly. âNo, we never dated.â
   âYouâre not lying to me?â
   âNo, baby. I promise you, we never dated.â
   You grimaced.
   Someone sighed again. âOkay,â Dani said. âGood. The last thing Iâd want is for you to be friends with an ex.â
   Brian chuckled. It sounded forced. âYeah, of course.â
   âIâm glad we agree. Gimme a kissy?â
   You couldâve thrown up right then and there. A kissy?
   You could hear them murmuring to each other, and Daniâs voice had a particular whiny, baby-talk tone to it that made you want to âaccidentallyâ open the door into the both of them. But then they left, and you were even more alone than before, and you lay down on the bed and curled into a ball, feeling sorry for yourself.
   It was time to go home.
-
   By the grace of God himself, Brian offered to wait outside with you, sitting beside you on the kerb, while you called a ride home. Dani stayed inside with her friends.
   âIâm sorry about⌠what happened,â Brian said, and you went still as a statue.
   âWhat do you mean?â you said softly.
   âLachlan, and all of that.â
   You let out a breath. âOh,â you said. âYeah, that. Itâs fine.â
   Silence. It wriggled under your skin like cockroaches.
   You wanted to touch Brian. You wanted him to touch you. You wanted Roger there, too. You wanted them to want you, like they used to. You wanted to be allowed to want them like they used to love.
   But Roger wasnât there. And Brian barely was, either.
   âBrian?â Dani called from the front door.
   Brian twisted around. âYeah, Iâm here.â
   âOh, okay. Just checking everythingâs good.â
   âYeah, weâre fine. Still waiting for the car.â
   âOkay. See you inside.â
   âYep.â
   âMiss you, baby.â
   Brian chuckled. âMiss you too.â
   You waited until Brian had turned back around to face the road, and then blurted out, âWhy do you let her call you that? You hate pet names.â
   Brian frowned, looking to you. âWhat?â
   âPet names. You hate them.â
   âI donât hate them,â he said.
   âYou donât like them, at least.â
   âAccording to who?â
   âAccording to you,â you said. âYou told me. And you neverââ You never called me anything but my name when we were fucking. âYou never said you liked them.â
   âWell, I do,â Brian said. âAnd why do you care, anyway?â
   âI just think itâs weird,â you said, and you were aiming for casual but you knew you sounded brash. âYou donât sound like yourself.â
   âIâve never had a girlfriend the whole time weâve known each other,â Brian said. âYou donât know what Iâm like when Iâm in a relationship.â
   âYou shouldnât change who you are when youâre in a relationship,â you said. âThat doesnât make sense.â
   âIâm not changing who I am,â Brian said, his face pinched. âWhat has gotten into you?â
   âNothing,â you said harshly. âI just think youâre lying to yourself. You donât like calling her baby, and you donât like being called baby, and I just think itâs weird that you wouldnât just say that.â
   âWell, I just think itâs weird you think you have the right to comment on my relationship,â Brian said. âI like calling her baby. And I like it when she calls me baby.â
   âBut you donât,â you insisted. âI can hear it in your voice.â
   âWhat?â Brian exclaimed. âWhat the fuck are you on about?â
   âI know you, okay?â you snapped. âI know you far better than she does. And I know you donât like pet names, but you wonât tell her for some reason.â
   âI wonât tell her because I like them,â Brian said. âAnd she knows me, too, you know.â
   âSheâs known you for, like, two months! Less than!â you said. âThatâs nothing.â
   âWhyâŚâ Brian floundered. âThere isnât some â time limit on these things. You canât judge if someone knows someone better just by how longâŚâ
   âI just donât get it,â you said. âMaybe thatâs my fault, but I donât get how someone can just walk into your life and suddenly theyâre the most important person youâve ever met when youâve only known them for five minutes.â
   âYouâve clearly never fallen in love,â Brian said snootily.
   âOh, fuck off,â you scoffed. âYouâre not in love with her.â
   âHow would you know?â
   âYouâve only been dating a couple weeks! Come on, Brian. You can call each other baby all you like, but I know you.â
   âI like pet names,â Brian said, his voice hard. âI just never called you one because, in case youâve forgotten, you were never my fucking girlfriend. So, for the love of God, can you stop acting like a jealous ex.â
   It was like a stab to the gut and a twist of the knife all at the same time. All you could do was sit in stunned silence.
   Brian looked at you, almost like he was waiting for a response, and when he never received one, he sighed, stood, and left.
   Your chin wobbled, your vision blurred, and you scrabbled for your phone in your handbag.
-
   Roger opened the door. âHeyââ
   You leapt onto him, kissing him furiously. He stumbled, but kept his balance, one arm curling around your waist and the other groping for the door, pushing it closed. You spun him around and backed him up, pressing him against the door, and ducked your head to suck at his neck, palming at him through his sweatpants.
   Roger jumped. âOh, God, okay,â he said with a surprised laugh. âYouâre reallyâŚâ
   You nodded, and captured his lips again, nipping at his bottom lip. âI want you so bad,â you breathed. âI want you to fuck me hard, Daddy, please.â
   You didnât wait for him to reply, and kissed him. You slipped your hands into his underwear, and he tensed underneath you, surprised again.
   You needed him to fuck you, to bruise you, to bite you. To make you feel wanted, needed. To mark you up, to make you scream, to make it hurt. You needed it so badly that your hands shook.
   Roger put a hand to your collarbones, and you thought he was going to choke you, but instead he pushed you back, just enough to stare into your face.
   âAre you sure you want to call me Daddy?â he asked unsurely. âYou seem a littleâŚâ
   âWhat?â you said.
   âNot yourself,â Roger said. âAre youâ Have you been drinking?â
   âThe fuck does that mean?â you said. âI just really need you to fuck me hard, does that not sound like me?â
   âI donâtââ
   âRoger,â you cut in sharply, and then quickly softened your tone into something whinier, needier, more enticing. âDaddy. I want you. Please.â
   Rogerâs frown never disappeared. âI donât want you to call me Daddy,â he said.
   You blinked, taken aback. âUm, okay,â you said. You could still work with that. âNo Daddy.â You went to kiss him again, but he held you away.
   You resisted huffing in frustration. âRogerâŚâ
   âThis is about Brian, isnât it?â he said.
   âWhat?â you said. âNo. Why would it be about Brian? I want you.â
   âYouâre drunk and upset and jealous, and you want me to fuck you how he used to fuck you, because you miss it.â
   A slap to the face wouldâve hurt less. Your hands fell limp at your sides. âWhat?â
   âIs that not whatâs happening right now?â Roger said, his hands dropping as well. âIs that not why youâre over? You went to that party, got yourself all worked up and upset, and now you want to be fucked how Brian used to fuck you?â
   You blinked. âNâ No,â you said, and you meant it, but the more Roger said it, the more you thought that maybe he was right, and you hadnât even realised.
   âBecause itâs what it feels like,â Roger said. âIt feels like Iâm just an outlet for you. Itâs not even about you and me anymore, itâs about you and him.â
   Oh my God. You hated to admit it, but he was right. You covered your mouth with your hands, horrified at yourself. âFuck, Roger, IâŚâ
   âIâm ending the arrangement between us,â he said simply. âItâs not fun anymore, and itâs definitely not healthy. You need time to⌠I donât even know. But you need time, and I donât really feel like being collateral damage. Especially not with end-of-year exams literally just around the corner.â
   No. No, no, no, fuck, not this, anything but this.
   âNo, Rog, please, Iâm sorry,â you said. âI wasnât thinking, Iâ I canâtââ You felt tears welling up in your eyes. âPlease. IâŚâ
   Roger sighed, and pulled you into a hug. You clutched onto him, and, finally, cried. âJesus Christ,â he murmured sympathetically, stroking your hair. âThis whole thing has really messed you up, hasnât it?â
   âI câ canât lose you tâ too,â you sobbed into his shirt.
   âYouâre not losing me. Weâre still friends. It just⌠wonât be with the benefits anymore. For now, at least. Maybe forever, I donât know. See how things go. But Iâm never going to stop being friends with you.â
   Your body shook as you cried, and Roger rubbed your back, letting you ruin his shirt.
-
   The Bee Movie played on the TV, but your heart wasnât in it. You leant against Roger, a cup of tea in your hands, and one in his. You were exhausted from crying, and you almost found yourself nodding off. Normally there was nothing more fun than enjoying the trials and tribulations of Barry B. Benson with Roger, but now not even casual bestiality was enough to cheer you up.
   Roger didnât say much, either. You had no idea what he was thinking, although you were pretty sure he wasnât really watching the movie, just staring at the screen.
   âIâm sorry,â you said, your voice breaking a little.
   Roger sighed. âItâs okay,â he said, giving you a soft, sad smile. âI know youâre going through a tough time right now.â
   âI donât even understand why,â you said, your bottom lip trembling. Not again. âI never liked him like that, not ever. I know I never liked him like that. I didnât want to go out on dates with him, or be his girlfriend, or any of that. So I donât get why it â hurts so much.â
   âYour thing went on for a really long time,â Roger reasoned. âAnd now itâs gone. I canât blame you. IâŚâ He bit his lip. âI⌠kinda miss it too, to be honest.â
   You frowned at him in confusion. âYou miss⌠Brian?â
   âI missâŚâ Roger took a sip of his tea. âI miss the dynamic, I suppose. We actually got a lot closer because of it. And it was fun, you know? Especially the threesomes, those were really fun.â
   You managed a tired laugh.
   âIt was just nice to have⌠a thing, that was ours,â Roger said. âUs three, I donât know. This thing that was ours. I donât know if that makes sense.â
   âNo, it does,â you said. You paused, and then said, âYou and Brian arenât as close now?â
   Roger shrugged a shoulder. âNot⌠really?â he said unsurely. âWe havenât really hung out a lot recently. I mean, weâve been studying a lot, so I havenât really seen much of anyone as of late, but, like, for a while, me and Brian hung out a whole lot, just the two of us. Guess you end up feeling closer when you have to talk about your feelings all the time. And when you see each other naked every so often.â He shot you a smile, and you smiled back. âBut now itâs sort of in a weird place. I mean, none of us have seen him a lot, heâs just with Dani all day and night. Which makes sense, theyâre in their honeymoon phase. But I do miss⌠that.â
   You nodded in understanding. âIt doesnât even feel like he wants to be around me,â you said in a small voice. âLike Iâm not even friends with him anymore.â
   âYou are,â Roger assured you. âYou just⌠both have to learn how to be⌠normal friends again.â
   âAnd us too,â you added.
   Roger blinked, but nodded. âYeah,â he said. âYeah, us, too.â
   You didnât want to say it, you knew you shouldnât say it, but the alcohol had loosened your tongue: âYou gonna miss me?â
   Rogerâs eyes widened for a moment, and then he took a big breath in and out, shaking his head. âDamn,â he muttered.
   âSorry, ignore me,â you mumbled. âIâm just being sad and pathetic.â
   âYouâre not sad and pathetic,â Roger said. âBut Iâm not gonna miss you, youâll still be around.â
   âYou know what I mean,â you said.
   âYeah, I know,â Roger said. He sighed again. âI donât think⌠it would be good for either of us if I answered that.â
   You said nothing. It felt like Roger wanted to say more, but he didnât.
   âButâŚâ You looked to him, and he looked to you. âCan we still be friends like before?â you asked him. âI mean, just â with Brian, he wonât even hug me hello or goodbye, he barely looks at me, he doesnât want to be near me, I justââ You shook your head. âI couldnât stand it if you did that, too. Can we at least just be friends?â
   Roger nodded. âOf course,â he said.
   âYes?â
   âYes, of course,â he said again. âI promise you, okay? I like hugs just as much as you do.â
   You nodded, reassured. âThank you.â
   Roger threw his arm around you and gave you a squeeze, then took his arm back.
   A month and a bit ago, he wouldâve left his arm there, around your shoulders. You wouldâve pressed closer into him. Probably eventually wouldâve lifted your head to kiss his neck, or maybe your hands â or his hands â wouldâve gone wandering.
   But a squeeze was something, at least, and you were grateful for it. You told yourself you were grateful for it.
-
Three-ish months later
   The air was just starting to cool, and, for the first time in a while, you pulled on a jacket.
   It had been a while since youâd seen your flat. Youâd gone home for the summer â not for the whole time, you still had rent to pay and you didnât want to waste it, but for a few weeks â which had been a welcomed change of scenery.
   After how your previous semester of uni had ended, the last thing youâd wanted was to hang around the flat.
   It had been an uncomfortable summer. The mid-year break, last year, you hadnât gone home. Youâd told your parents it was because of the rent thing, but in reality, it had mostly been about Roger and Brian. A month off uni, and your flatmate Lucy had gone home for the break, meaning you had a free house? That had been a wild couple of weeks.
   You shook your head. Stop, you reprimanded yourself. It did you no good to reminisce. Youâd had an entire summer to sort things out for yourself, to reset, and it was a bad idea to let yourself slip. Youâd barely spoken to Roger or Brian all summer, just to give yourself some space.
   Youâd missed them. A lot. Maybe cried once or twice. Maybe more. But that was only for you to know.
   You doubted that theyâd missed you.
   The thought still felt like a stab to the gut, and you squeezed your eyes shut, shaking your head at yourself. Stop it. Stop.
   There was a knock on the front door, and you were momentarily surprised â but you knew it was Veronica. You took a moment to get your thoughts together, then hurried to the door to let her in.
   She greeted you with a joyous cry of your name and a warm hug. âItâs been so long!â
   The two of you rocked from foot to foot, and you breathed in her familiar smell. You hadnât seen her since before Christmas.
   When the hug eventually ended, Veronica sighed happily. âCanât believe Iâve missed you,â she said, and you laughed, giving her a backhand slap on the arm.
   âCow,â you said.
   âSo youâve kept the same place?â
   âYep,â you said.
   âLucy still your flatmate?â
   âYeah. It works well, so.â
   âNo, no, sheâs lovely,â Veronica said with a nod. âDid she want to come to drinks tonight?â
   You glanced towards Lucyâs room instinctively, even though you knew she wasnât in there. âSheâs not coming back until Wednesday, I think.â
   âAh, well, answers that question.â Veronica gave you a smile. You could tell there was a question on the tip of her tongue, and you just stood there, waiting for her to ask it.
   She sighed again, resigned. She knew sheâd been sprung. âI wasnât going to ask. Iâ I wasnât sure if I should.â
   âIâm okay,â you said. âIâm fine.â
   Veronica squinted at you unsurely, like she wanted to press you for further information, but wasnât sure if it was a good idea. âFine?â
   âItâs been a bit rough, but Iâm okay,â you said.
   Youâd tell her the truth soon enough. You had no willpower when it came to Veronica. But you werenât in the mood for a whole conversation right now.
   âSo youâre all right for tonight?â
   You rolled your eyes. âAm I capable of getting drinks with my friends? Yes, I think so.â
   âEven though Dani will be there?â
   âBrian and Dani have been dating for, like, five months now â and donât say it like that. Brian isnât my ex.â
   âRogerâs dating someone,â Veronica blurted.
   Your heart leapt into your throat. Stop. âOh?â you said, and it sounded warped and wonky. âSince when? Good for him. Have you met her?â
   âOnce,â Veronica said. âJust last week, when I dropped by the flat. Her name isââ She let out a laugh. âActually, this is really funny. Her name is Freddy.â
   You laughed. âWhat?â you squawked. âFreddy?â
   âFreddy with a Y,â Veronica said. âRoger made that very clear when I met her. As if that changes anything.â
   âGod, I bet thatâs confusing in bed,â you said.
   âYeah, well, Iâm guessing the âwith a Yâ part makes all the difference for Roger.â
   âFreddy,â you mused. âWhatâs it short for?â
   âNo idea. But sheâs not as hot as you are.â
   You shot Veronica a mock glare. âRoger isnât my ex either.â
   âStill,â Veronica said lightly. She hesitated, and then said, âHave you spoken to either of them recently?â
   âNo, not really,â you said, as casually as you could muster. âLook, Ron, could we just⌠table this conversation for later? Iâm not really up to it.â
   âYeah, of course,â Veronica said, waving a hand. âSorry, sorry, Iâll keep my nose out of it. Letâs just go. Are you ready?â
   You took a steadying breath. âSo ready,â you said, hoping you sounded more confident than you felt.
-
   Arriving at the local pub felt like coming home. The smell of beer, the roar of conversation, the bundles of people crowded around tables. The floor was sticky, there werenât enough places to sit, and the prices up on the chalkboard on the wall were far too high.
   You scrunched your nose. Coming home sucked.
   âI forgot how much I hate this place,â you yelled into Veronicaâs ear. âWe need to find somewhere less popular, Jesus.â
   âI know,â Veronica said. âIâve mentioned it to John; he thinks the same.â
   âNext time.â
   âYeah, next time.â
   You said that every time.
   Veronica corroborated her instructional texts from John with the view in front of her in order to find everyone else. They were tucked away in a corner booth, crammed into the space.
   Youâd had enough trouble as it was, trying to fit everyone into a booth. You couldnât even imagine how you were going to make it work with two new people in the group.
   Veronica took your hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze as you neared the table.
   There was John, at the end of the booth, facing you â his eyes lit up when he spotted Veronica, and began shifting over to make room for her beside him. At the end of the table, on a chair, was Freddie. He noticed Johnâs line of sight, and he turned to you, his smile wide.
   You couldnât really see the others. Just the back of Brianâs head. But that was hard to miss.
   Freddie stood up to give you a warm hug as Veronica tossed around a few âhelloâs and slid in next to John. âDarling!â Freddie said. âI havenât seen you all break.â
   âI know, Iâm sorry,â you said.
   Freddie waved you off. âItâs fine,â he said. âI understand.â He glanced towards the other occupants of the booth.
   âDonât start,â you muttered, and Freddie gave your arm a swift pat.
   âSpeaking of which,â he said, turning. âRoger, Brian, you remember our dear friend, Iâm sure?â
   You resisted elbowing Freddie in the side, giving Brian and Roger tight smiles.
   At the same time, your eyes landed on Dani and her browny blonde Ariana Grande ponytail and her mouse face and her curvy body pressed into Brianâs side. And beside Roger, tucked under his arm, was a blonde, tanned girl. Blue eyes, like Roger, but hers were light, strikingly so, and a perfect full face of make-up. Her brows were dark and bold, and her lips looked pouty and soft.
   âNot as hot as you wereâ your arse. This girl looked like she modelled in her spare time.
   Your jaw clenched. You resisted dragging Veronica away by her ear and having a word with her.
   Stop it. Stop it.
   âThis is Freddy,â Freddie said.
   âWith a Y,â Roger added quickly.
   âYes, with a Y,â Freddie said dryly. âRogerâs new flame.â
   âHi,â Freddy said with a smile. Her teeth were very white. She lifted a well-manicured hand to fiddle with the silver chain around her neck.
   You could see the discolouration on her knuckles. Well, at least you knew her tan wasnât real. That was something. Wasnât it?
   No. It wasnât. She looked incredible anyway. Didnât even matter that she was wearing fake tan. What a stupid thing to think.
   You introduced yourself.
   There was a pause where no one really knew what to say next.
   âHi, by the way,â John said.
   Relieved, you gave him a smile. âHi, John, how are you?â
   âNot too bad. Do you want to find a chair?â
   God bless John Deacon. âLet me help you,â Freddie said, and you both began wandering through the crowd together, knowing there was no way in hell youâd be able to find a chair.
   âHow are you?â Freddie asked. âActually, sod the fucking chair, letâs get a drink.â
   âSounds superb,â you said.
   âTry again,â Freddie said when youâd gotten in line. âHow are you?â
   âFine,â you said. âAnd you?â
   âGood, fine,â Freddie said. âLonely. I want a boyfriend. Everyone else is in a godforsaken relationship, so I only think itâs reasonable. Look at me, the token lonely, single homosexual in a group of straight people. Right out of an early 2000s chick flick. I may as well start wearing skinny scarves and a vest and talk about how much I love shopping. Do you think Iâm sassy enough?â
   âStop it,â you said. âIf you start wearing skinny scarves, Iâll strangle you with one.â
   âIf I start wearing skinny scarves, Iâd practically be begging you to,â Freddie muttered.
   âIâm sorry youâre lonely,â you said. âI could be your wingwoman, if you like. We could go out together.â
   Freddie gave you a smile. âYeah, Iâd like that,â he said. His eyes scanned the chalkboard, as did yours, but it was more habit than anything else. âWhat did you get up to during the break?â
   âSlept,â you said, and Freddie chuckled, nodding in agreement.
   âAte too much,â he added.
   âYep, that too,â you said with a laugh. âNever left the house.â
   âExcept to buy more booze.â
   âOr take the bins out.â
   Freddie laughed. âIsnât summer wonderful.â
   âOh, itâs just perfect,â you said, and it came out so bitter, with such a sneer in your tone, that Freddie cracked up. A few heads turned, but they usually did, with Freddie.
   âDid you stay here or go home?â you asked.
   âBoth,â Freddie said. âMostly here, though. Just wanted to see the family for a while, but Iâm far more comfortable here.â
   You nodded.
   âDid you talk to Brian and Roger much?â Freddie said.
   You shook your head. âNo.â
   That was all.
   âWell, shit,â Freddie said. âThatâs all just completely fucked, then?â
   âItâs fine,â you said. You reached the front of the line, and went to order. Freddie followed you.
   You ordered a cider, then Freddie ordered a pint. âWhat do you think of Freddy with a Y?â Freddie asked as the bartender poured your drinks.
   âIâve barely met her,â you said. âDidnât know she existed until Ron told me just before we left mine.â
   âJesus,â Freddie said. âYou really havenât spoken to them.â
   âNo,â you said. âAnd Roger doesnât post much on social media, either, so. And Brian posts far too much, so I know way too much about him and Dani for my liking, which is wonderful.â
   âIâm sorry,â Freddie said. âGod, Iâm sorry itâs all gone to shit, I really am. Thatâs miserable, darling.â
   âItâs fine,â you said. The bartender set your drinks in front of you, and you and Freddie collected them, weaving your way back to the table.
   âDid you⌠get around to dating much?â Freddie asked.
   âWasnât in the mood,â you said.
   Freddie said nothing. Message received.
   You arrived back at the booth. While youâd gotten a drink, you hadnât solved the seating problem.
   You bunched up next to Veronica. It wasnât comfortable, but it wasnât unbearable.
   You met Brianâs eyes across the table. He gave you a warm smile. It hurt. You hated that it hurt. âI havenât said hi yet,â he said, like you hadnât just gone three months without seeing or speaking to each other. âHow you going?â
   âGood, good,â you said, and took a swig of cider. âYou?â
   âYeah, great. Get up to much?â
   âNot really. Did you?â
   âNot too much,â Brian said. âDani and I took a little trip south. That was nice, wasnât it, baby?â
   âSo nice,â Dani said with a cheeky, knowing little grin at Brian.
   He shook his head at her, and she giggled, then reached up for a quick kiss.
   You knew about the little trip south. Everybody knew about the little trip south. Brian had waxed poetry about it on Instagram for every single day they were away. âSo lots of sex, then,â you said.
   Veronica choked on her water, and Roger burst out laughing.
   You hadnât realised heâd been listening to the conversation.
   Daniâs face was turning tomato-red, and she hid her face behind her hand. Brian managed a good-natured chuckle, albeit a slightly forced one, and you could tell he was rubbing Daniâs knee under the table.
   âWhat, what was the joke?â Freddie said immediately.
   âNothing,â you said, and turned to Roger. âSo, Freddy, with a Y, how did you and Roger meet?â
   âBumble,â Freddy said, unabashed. âAbout a month ago?â
   âYeah, about that,â Roger said.
   âYeah, Ron said,â you said. âThatâs nice.â
   âSo thereâsâŚâ Roger licked his bottom lip. âThereâs no one youâve got your eye on, then?â
   âNo,â you said, uncomfortable. Why would anyone want you? You were messy, you were too much. You were demanding. You were easily replaced.
   You took a sip of cider. Stop.
   It had been three months, for Godâs sake. Three months of no contact, and still you were left with an ugly, twisted feeling in the pit of your stomach after everything that had happened.
   None of it had even mattered. Youâd always known it had had an expiration date. You were justâŚ
   You hated feeling like this.
   âHey,â Veronica said suddenly, raising her glass of water. âLetâs make a toast, shall we? To the new year. Toâ to passing our classes, and to ramen, and to⌠fresh starts.â
   Everyone raised their glasses, saying something along the lines of cheers, and began clinking their glasses together. You took a moment longer, but joined in.
   Veronica met your eyes to clink her glass to yours. âFresh starts,â she said with a small smile.
   You couldnât quite say it back, so you smiled and nodded, then took a sip of your cider.
   You could feel Brianâs and Rogerâs eyes on you. You pretended to be interested in something happening across the room.
   God, you couldnât wait for this chapter of your life to be nothing but a bad dream.
















