#truthfulmel

People say that when someone's suicidal, they often times feel like a burden. I once questioned that. Wondered how someone could ever feel so misplaced or so "wrong" that they wanted to end their lives. But now I understand. And I wish I didn't.

I'm scared I'm not worthy of recovery. Because I'm not something you want to save.

My reason to stay safe every week is my promise to my psychologist. Maybe I'll eventually be able to see all the reasons. But for now that's enough.

I sometimes wonder if I should change the fact that my profile says "mental health recovery". Because that makes it seem like I'm some kind of role model??? I'm really not. Everyday I question if I should really be trying to recover. The answer is yes, but I certainly do not always see that.

I'm at a point where I genuinely don't believe I can get better. And just saying that makes me emotional. Because I want to get better. So badly. But it feels like these mental illnesses have the strongest hold me. It feels like I'm losing. And I'm scared. And unbearably sad. I don't know what to do, or what my next steps should be anymore. I don't even have the motivation to think of that. Damn it.

My psychiatrist suggested a group I could start going to, but he said I would probably have to stop seeing my psychologist while I’m doing that group. But to be honest the thought of that scares me. I feel like she contributes so much to my recovery. I can’t imagine not seeing her at this point... she’s my partner in crime... There’s no way I can just stop seeing her right now, especially because my mood has been extra low recently.

I’m really fucking scared that things will never get better. And I know that sounds irrational. And I know that my psychologist is a professional and she tells me every time I see her that things will get better. I know that. but what if it doesn’t? What if I’m a “special case”? What if I end up living the rest of my life like this? I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’m not strong enough for that. I know I’m being silly. But it scares every single day.

This might shock y’all but my name is not Mel. I can see why people think that but my username is meant to be “truthful-me-l” - and the L at the end stands for the first letter of my name. But you guys can call me whatever ;) I don’t mind! :)