#troublingthoughts

Boyfriend and I were doing a midnight fast food run. As we are driving down our street, I asked him if I could tell him a dark thought I had been having. He said of course and I told him; I feel like if it weren't for you and the life we built together, I wish I had killed me and my mother during childbirth.

I know how that sounds, terrible, horrifying even. How could a person wish that upon themself and their birthgiver? Simply, she never wanted me to begin with. If I could have killed us both it would have saved everyone in our lives over 25 years of anger and disappointment. She was a pisspoor mother to me and played favorites with me and my siblings. She doesn't like girls and is emotionally manipulative with everyone.

Write me a story they say.  I want to see the world through your eyes they say.  They can’t know.  They can’t possible understand.  My brain is scattered, it’s a leaf in the wind.  I can’t find words most times.  I can’t even read it right.  I just let my fingers do the typing.  And on top of it I can’t even spell, not to mention my grammar is the worst.

You’re good at math too?  They question.  How can you possible work both ways.  Stop it it’s not far they don’t say.  They stop saying anything.  They watch.  They wait to see where I’ll mess up.  Well I’ve got news for you: Watch me do my homework, watch me read the same sentence three times over, watch me rewrite a math problem six hundred million times.

But wait… They can’t see it, their all focused some place else.  Their job, their phones, their families, their other friends.  I’m just a shadow hiding behind bright eyes.  They say the people who appear the happiest are truly the saddest.  Let me tell you this:  Once you receive the positive attention from something silly from something just out right positive.  People stop and stare.  They tell you wow that’s amazing.  They say gezz you’re always so happy.  They question how can you be so happy all the time, so positive?

They finally notice me.  They finally see me!  But they see an image I’ve created.  They see the girl who thinks positive.  They see the girl who’s always encouraging.  They see the innocent little one, who needs protection.  All they see is a smile and bright eyes.

You want to see the world through my eyes?  You want to hear a story?  You want a smile?  You want positive encouragement?  You want the perfect way to see things?  You thought wrong!  I don’t see any of that!  I created that I had to!  I had to!  I had to…

People don’t know.  They don’t understand… I’m scared to even move out of bed.  I’m afraid of talking to people.  I’m afraid some extreme impossible event that will rip my world apart.  Most of all I’m afraid people will see me.  The me that can’t get a sentence out.  The me that had to practice what to say and when to say it.  I’m the one who is unnatural.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’m scared of even opening part of my brain.  I’m literally running from myself.  How I haven’t self destructed is beside me.  I haven’t tried.  No one would see it coming.  No one care to notice.  What I am to you?  Am I just a smile?  Am I just a story teller?  Am I fake?  Who am I?  How can I continue to dream such crazy worlds, such simple people, such other worlds?  Can I just live in a universe of my creation?  

Can I just create the world where I can see myself?  Myself truly being happy?

I won’t take it.  I can’t take it. So….

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