#tristory

My Father…I learned a lot from him…and if I could, if I could…I would kill him. He’s caused me so much pain, and yet made me strong from the get go.   He is a conartist and a silver tongued liar. I’m a Silver Tongue too, but I choose to use it to tell fantastic stories and power play people who make me actually feel angry.  We moved across the country to TX, where I attended Kindergarten. I had to walk home, there were no buses and my mom worked three jobs, because I was the big sister to a sister and brother by then. Each of us two years apart.  We moved to another house that I did not know, still in town and my father was supposed to pick me up from school…but never did. He told me when he took me the first day that I needed to remember real hard how to get home because I needed to walk back.  It was terrifying to me, because I was small even then…I walked on home, scared of big dogs behind fences and tall teens on corners. I found my way home, and my father pulled into the drive way and yelled at me for taking to long getting home. He’d followed me, watching me sob the whole time.  There were a lot of things like this my Father did, though I tried to win his approval I never had it. I hate April Fools day because of him, my Brother’s Birthday…for a Prank he made us pull on my mother, she thought I had died and was very upset.  It’s these things that made me stronger, to stop being afraid of the world, and put on a harsh face to hide that I was terrified of things.  Between the ages of three and six I remember a lot of things, perhaps more than a child ought to remember. But I do, I remember being lost at the Zoo. I remember the pranks and ‘lessons’ my father taught me, I remember being haunted by what I came to see as a friend. I remember understanding what death was, and what it meant because of sea sponges and baby birds. (following my trying to bring it back to life) I remember trying to run away back then, and having a hiding place and making my own world in the trees because being in the sky made me happy. I remember good things too though, and random memories, of Easter, and my friend Jill. Of making Mud pies, and my Father’s Family. I remember a Party we had in my Kindergarten class about Hawaii…it was not all bad, but it was not all good and easy. 

We moved back to Maryland with my step father who looked like a Giant.  I started going to school and that was fun and easy. I made friends though I was a strange kind of girl even then.  By Middle School I was a dangerous thing with a sugar sweet smile. Back then my silver tongue was not harmless…I manipulated people whom I saw as nothing more than toys. ‘friends’ they said, and sure to them I was. Innocent, sweet Heather…who made people dance for her, because it was funny. My Shadow was growing then, chuckling over my shoulder. I took Pride in my Power and Abilities and was a good student too. No one suspected, no one knew…or knows, from back then. I covered it well.  I stopped in the middle of 8th grade because it became boring, playing with these people, and I actually came to care about them again. I became the protective Alpha that everyone has known me to be, because that Power and Responsibility, how they trusted me felt even better to me. Stronger, though not healthier. I thrived in that, because it was this kind of silent attention. My opinion asked, even if I was not a huge role in something, secrets whispered. And I kept them, each and every one. Like beads I slipped onto a necklace.  I wrote things then, but in Highschool, like a lot of teens, I wrote even more. Banded Snakes became important to me, and I discovered my Shadow looming over my shoulders. Banded Snakes is a poem about Gambling on Friendship, the Perversity of it. Because not all friendships are good and healthy. People are either a Coral or King Snake, for one looks so like the other it’s hard to tell. It became and still is my Life Philosophy. “Everyone is a Snake. Be they Coral or King. One will kill you quickly, the other very slow, because that is our world. Look It or Be It.” 

Despite this manner of thinking I’ve been and am a positive person. A Friendly Misanthropist. Banded Snakes was written specifically for someone I am no longer friends with. I was a King Snake to her, in the end.  Like I said though, I stop that vicious devious cut throat manner mostly. I became a Silent Leader, an Alpha Mother. High School had it’s ups and down and I remained pretty good. I made friends and was a Girl Scout, also an Otaku. I went to Disney World, and to Maine which felt like it should be Home. I wrote about being ‘something more’ being a Dragon, a Wolf, then both at once and wishing someone else understood that feeling. I frisked through the woods with friends, role played and dated technically two guys. I was an intern at my local Park with the rangers, and attended writing class at the college my senior year. I got a Vet Science Certificate and my Diploma. 

Against better thinking, I went to University. I wanted to escape…and I did. But I got caught up in things. I made a friend from my Bio Class, and she was a bad influence on me. I started stealing, and enjoyed it because I was bored and it was easy, rewarding and thrilling. I met a girl through a mutual friend who used to live in the room with my sticky-finger friend. This girl ruined my life.  Before I started stealing though I was lost…it was the middle of October I decided to run away…I smiled at everyone, pulled on my hoody and was out the door with no intent of coming back, and nothing but my wallet, half dead phone, and the clothes I was wearing. I headed for the highway and started walking, it was a good three hours and I was feeling kind sore and had been thinking. People asked if I needed a ride and I told them no, I was fine. I stopped for a bit to figure things out and a man snapped at me that I was a missing 11 year old girl, because she was last seen wearing a hoody like mine, blue. I glared at him and told him no, I was a student at FSU. The man did not believe me until I produced an ID. If I were a missing child I’d have been scared of him. He changed his tone after I showed who I was. 

Something about that changed my thinking…and I called a couple dorm mates, asked if they could come get me. I did not know where the hell I was. Walked almost the entire way back and got a horrible limp that returns now and then. I consider it a reminder that I can’t just run away.

That girl who ruined my life, she’s my Ex. And she is a nasty customer. Mentally and Physically Abusive. Basically Kidnapped me from Home, gave me an Ultimatum so I chose to go with her. I fell into greater debt, dropped out of school before I failed, and started hating myself. I never had before. I felt like nothing…

It was two years, nearly three that I was with her, taking this abuse, being treated like a servant. Unable to have friends she did not know. Rarely got to see my Family. Finally I had enough one day…I never raised a hand to her the whole time, but to protect or restrain her. The final day though, she started saying something, and she hit me…and I slapped her back, just once, across the face. She spit in mine and hit harder and I laughed. That’s who she was, a monster worse than ME and I know what kind of Monster I was. One who drank and stole things before. Good for Nothing and no one. 

I packed and left and have been home since. Its been two years now. I lost my job because I was stealing some again, or helping coworkers steal by writing things half off on the registers. It was a stupid mistake considering I’d used my Power Playing truths to get rid of two bosses I had had with the company. I only tell the truth after all and I see and hear a lot.  I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease, a mentally effecting thyroid disorder which causes depression sometimes too. and I have that :\ So I’ve been taking medication for it…found love, lost love and pine over it.  

These days I a home, I write, clean some. I am a Mother Figure, an Alpha of sorts who cares for others and has to be the bad guy sometimes. I don’t mind it. I enjoy it, it reminds me that while I hate myself I do have worth. 

So here I am, I cannot tell you an Ending, as there is yet to be an ending, I’ve got a long time to go. There are details I could go into…but that would be easier to write my novel again. And that is something I do not think I will do any time soon.

[8:46:15 AM] Dane Lyuut: Tris. I had a dream about what I feel now to be your self when you were older. I have some things to say to you. 1) You will live to an old age. 2) If you go to New  York City, by your own words, you will be "screwed over". 3) If you happen to go to a house of education for young children, and you happen to talk to a blind child, do not underestimate the problems he has had in his short period on this planet. [11:24:37 AM] Dane Lyuut: I was in the point of view of the child, so I am unsure what that means, but there you have it. [11:27:02 AM] Tris Aime~: Tris Aime~ flicks ears up then drops then, frowning.  Children do not lie, not normally. The point of view of a child was meant to represent that I believe, to show this is a possible truth. [11:28:26 AM] Dane Lyuut: It was interesting. I was walking around either in a daycare or preschool or kindergarten, and I saw an old woman who very much "felt" like you. [11:28:54 AM] Dane Lyuut: She said something about how not to test her, because she's already been screwed over, when she went to NYC. [11:29:10 AM] Dane Lyuut: I/he told her I/he had been screwed over, too.

A dear friend of mine attends school in New York, and Dane himself is from the State. My friend has wanted me to come visit him.  The Fellow that has my heart torn is attending school in New York as well. Just over the border somewhere, not the city.

Lately too I have been waking up at night as I did once a long time ago and I am hunted with dreams that on waking leave me feeling uncertain and grasping. They are of travel, and strange scents both animal and man. Something I am seeking, needing desperately.  The clockwork of my waking reminds me of my youth...

[12:41:01 AM] Tris Aime~: When I was very young, about five years old [12:41:21 AM] Tris Aime~: I could see ghosts clearly [12:41:26 AM] Tris Aime~: and had something of a friend [12:41:35 AM] Babbu Dracor~: Oh? [12:42:36 AM] Babbu Dracor~: And who was this friend? [12:43:59 AM] Tris Aime~: I lived first in Amarillo, in this house on Oong Street, just about on the corner. It had a weird spinning pot cabinet, a circle thing, which I used to play in.  One day, playing ball with my mom and dad ont he rare time mom was home, this ghost stole our ball when it rolled under a bush. I know this was the fact beacuse we searched high and low for this ball and could not find it...went out and bought another one a couple days later, only to return to it sitting in the middle of our kitchen. [12:44:02 AM] Tris Aime~: After that [12:48:59 AM] Tris Aime~: I started waking up nightly.  Every Night, around the same time, which I believe is between midnight and one. I would just suddenly come awake. In my doorway stood a thing. I had not understood it, I tried to laugh and got up, accusing daddy of trying to scare me. After all, he enjoyed these kinds of things. So I crept towards it. This thing looked like a sheet ghost, only kinda see through. pearly like.  Didn't notice it until I got up close to try to touch it and my fingers went right through. Terrified I ran back to my little bitty water bed and hid beneath my quilt that told the story of the Ugly Duckling. My sister, in her crib was not awake. She never woke, but every night I did...every night it was there, same shape, same color, watching me from the doorway. Never moved. I eventually became unafraid of it.  Sometimes after I fell back to sleep, I guess it touched me, or maybe it did before I woke and that is why I woke up. My mom told me a few years ago, she was terrified because suddenly I was floating, asleep, at chest height, down the hall. I woke up on the couch, never knew.[12:49:08 AM] Tris Aime~: The last night I lived there [12:52:41 AM] Tris Aime~: There were three of them. By then I considered it a friend, even though I did not understand it, I stopped being afraid a long time ago. Sheet ghosting just like my friend, whom stood in the middle of the three. I think they did that so I would not be scared of strange people I did not know. There was a very short one, who seemed fat, my friend, and a rather tall one that was fairly skinny. Somehow they all fit into the doorway, and they watched me, and I watched them, until I fell asleep again.  Since that time, moving here, I've seen something that may or may not have been one of them. But it has been a very long time. I needed them then, perhaps, because I was afraid of many things, and trying to be brave and strong. Back then I was a rabbit, not a wolf, but I put on Wolves clothing. 

For a decade, and next year being 11 years, I've had the Shadow that I do, his name is Sanketsu Kishi Tala. When I first came to understand he was there, it had been a two years at least. He's a Shadow mirror of who I am, a reflection of the mistakes which I don't consider mistakes, hate, rage, thoughts, Power Plays, Lies, viciousness and PRIDE that make me who I am. A stain on my consciousness, who grew. Sometimes he's helpful, and civil, and while I don't Love him because I hate me, I don't hate him either. We talk and figure things out. He is both ME and NOT-ME all at once. A monster I could never be, and everything I wish I could without a sense of morality and fairness. Willing to make the thoughts I have reality. To take and eye out because I felt slighted, to bite without control and keep pressing until I reach bone and try to tear it out. He's the me that hates everyone, and is better than everyone else. Who laughs at people's pain and feels a sense of utter delight in it and wants there to be more. He's the one who thrills in stealing, and backstabbing and telling candied lies to others, but only truth to Us. But he is Me. I delight in these things, but control them because I have to. Because I'm Me. He's all those pieces of me who CANT, and can't live on his own because of it.  He is my Personal Death, one day I will die because of these things that have created him and gave him unique thought all his own. Sanketsu Kishi Tala... Suffocation (of the) Night Wolf.

Dane has told me of this dream, a warning of a possibility of my Future. And I don't see it as a Fate.  While I said I do not believe in Solid Fate I know, or rather am very sure I know, when and how I am going to die. Yes I will be older, not to very old, but it involves a car, and rain, and a desperate rush for something/one late in the night...and a highway and being alone. I will choke on my own blood and the air and die on the side of the road, useless and lonely. It's nothing new, I've known this for a few years...Sanketsu delights sometimes in reminding me of it while I'm Driving, inducing panic and panting that I have to try to control. It slips between my thoughts and into my dreams. It's there in dream I relive it and know the details that I am not allowed to remember in waking. My clothes, my car, the date, the REASON. 

Something is happening lately... There have been unsettling accounts between friends which are not in my place to disclose, but none the less things are happening. No one is still and it's not seasonal. I'm used to season shifting and how people behave but this is that motion of low key distress, like a low pitched whine of utter despairing pain and I feel it resonate in my chest. I do not fear death, and I laugh at pain...but I hate waiting, and I loath that I feel this King Seat Sword right there, but cannot look up at it lest it fall before it should. 

They know things they do not know, and I can tell. Perhaps it's because of my Mentality, being a Beast my mind (while of the more intelligent of beasts) is still simplistic. The basic things effect me and I feel alert of oncoming 'storms.'  I can only speak in simile and metaphore to get things across that I understand. 

Dane's dream may or may not be important to my future.  I will go to the ends of my abilities to take care of my Family, scattered across the globe.  

I don't believe that 2012 really was meant to be the end of the world, but mankind has this habit of fulfilling prophecies made towards it. Self fulfilled or actual happenings, either way. But it's that that I am afraid of, and these little things are directing my mind to a place I don't want to go.  Mankind may self fulfill the Mayan Calendar's ending. Not in the huge explosion where the world is gone and life is no more, but far more sinister. Insanity, depravity, regression and new found oppression. Though the last is happening already and still. Cessation of higher thinking. Not all at once though, no...it's been happening anyway, but something bigger will be coming. Electric charges jolt people and they aren't getting WHY. They let it happen. 

And here I prattle on about Dream and Personal History, of Selfish Musings and doubts...

What is it though, what is IT. It's been floating about my mind, and I can't stand it that pieces are coming together so slowly. Man made(that is to say, self fulfilled) Prophecies are the most terrifying thing to me and I am so limited that I can only figure and reason it by self examinations. 

I may not be dying soon, but whatever is coming I think is going to help set me down that path more. And that is Destiny for you...I'm one of Millions and I am SOMEONE-NOBODY. I'm nothing and I'm fucking everything at once you know. Important in my head, and in the little ripples, but those won't count for anything once the storm breaks. 

It's no coincidence that these things are happening all together, it's signals. I can't be alone in this feeling, in these slap to the face clues...

I can't be alone...

What if I am though, and these things I think are simply a deteriorating mind? If that is the case then who is winning, me or Me? The Shadow or the Dracor?