#triggering vent

I relapsed my self harming yesterday. I'd been clean for fucking months and ruined it. It's just getting harder and harder not to do something, no matter what precautions I put in place I still want to hurt myself. I've got a doctors appointment on Tuesday and I'm going to ask for a hysterectomy again. I know they'll probably say no and that I'm too young and that what if I want kids one day. I don't fucking want kids and even if I one day changed my mind about that I would adopt. I have enough hereditary bullshit that I wouldn't want to pass on to my kid and I've already decided that it would be selfish of me to have a baby myself. I already hate myself enough over that and I'm just so tired of everything. I really thought that these new meds would help, I really thought they were for a little while but now I'm back were I was. I think, I don't know... I was sat in a cemetery by my house yesterday, I had heard that a litter of kittens and their mum had been dumped and wanted to help look for the missing cats but went to the wrong place. Normally the quiet there makes me feel even just a little bit better but nothing fucking changed. When I was younger I used to comfort myself by saying everything would be okay because I would end it before I turned 18, now I'm 18 and I thought something would have changed. I thought that if I made it and did what I was told I would feel better but I'm still hiding craft knives in my room so that I have a 'last resort'. I'm meant to be going on holiday next week, I don't want to go, it sounds like hell. I sobbed and panicked when my mum told me, she said it was my choice but she still booked it later that day. I don't want to go but I don't want to be ungrateful. Now she's saying she wants to do a second holiday, I don't want to do that either but she's not giving me much of a choice.

I'm going to try and make it till uni, then I can escape a little bit and focus on what I want, like classes and music. I haven't eaten today, each time I mentioned food to mum she just brushed me off, I wanted to eat together but it just didn't happen. She knew that but if she realised I ate on my own she would feel bad and she already talks about how "she's the worst mum ever". Sometimes I feel like I want my parents back like how I remember them when I was little but now I think I was just to little back then to see.

I'm going to try and keep going with these as a semi-regular thing to keep me in check. I'm sorry for the ramble