#tricky shit

New au Idea: Reintale? (Stand in name I guess?)

Top: Allick Bottom: Iris

All in all, it went well. She was open to hear that some things may have been misinterpreted by her about when my big teenage depression went away. She listened to a bit more about my gender feelings, and completely understood how I had a hard time to pin point all these things that made me feel the way I do about it, as I've had 17 (fucking) years to think about it. How all these small things that paint the big picture in how i feel are just... normal to me now? Like I've done my questioning around it for all these years and it's pretty clear to me where I fall on it and such. She totally understood that, and how it's hard to explain all of that. Did ask if despite all the alienation I've felt I'd still be uncomfortable with my body and such and I was like oh yeah no doubt. So it was all clear there, and she wasn't questioning my feelings on it and such.

She did seem a bit reluctant to listen to what I had to say about how she mentioned gender affirming surgeries though. I did bring up to her how not all trans people end up doing these and how the surgeries were like 10 years out so it just seemed odd to mention them. But she just kept repeating how she only mentioned it to be about how the gender stuff wasn't all of my issues (yeah no shit sherlock) and how I also had psychological issues. Which like yeah duh, but that doesn't mean that it didn't make it sound like she was poorly informed about trans care?? Which she seemed to have a hard time taking in. So in the end I just had to give up on that one, she clearly wasn't receptive to what I was trying to say. Felt a bit defensive on her part if I'm gonna be completely honest (I've heard a lot of people can struggle with that though when we trans peeps try to teach them about our experiences so can't say I'm super surprised here...)

On a funnier part, she was kinda baffled by my giant headphones that I had on. I was listening to music during the whole thing. She seemed to find that odd 😂 "while we're having this call?" She said. "Yep, helps me keep calm. I get very nervous talking to doctors and such." I told her back. I think it definitely befuddled her, in a sort of funny quirky way. She let it be after asking though. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Helped me A LOT though. Nothing like a Shut your mouth to keep me calm ✨️(imagine if she had known that was what I was listening to 😂😂😂)

Started the.. test? Questionnaire?? Fuck if I know what to call it... but that thing that was requested by the gender clinic. Was the one I found online, and so far so good. We couldn't finish it today, but what we did do felt ok. The depression part made me laugh several times though, cause I had to technically split my answers which is part of the issues I have with being labelled as depressed so fucking quickly by professionals. Cause it literally went "yes as a teen" or "yes after whatever the fuck that thing at 18 years old was" or "only on those meds i just got off" 😂 Like it's soooo spread out and incoherent. And the only time I can say 100% for sure it is depression is during the teenage years. So that part was just a darn mess c:

Starting to think she is open to my idea of it being PTSD though, cause she even apologised for the part about that being like "have you witnessed or been subjected to (only physical things)?" and like completely ignoring even the possibility you may have it due to psychological trauma. Basically she acknowledged that the system is quite broken there, which felt awesome cause I've been saying that for like 10 years lol.

But yeah, other than that we also had time to talk about OCD (with what matched not really seeming like a concern) and social anxiety (which I do have so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯). After that we were out of time so we will see what we end up with in the end lol.

But yeah, it went a lot better this time at least and we will continue the test thingy next time. We will see what happens with that.

potentially very disturbing content below. these are a little fucked up. no read more because im on mobile and cant be fucked to turn on my computer.

max texting you a picture of a dead body in the woods with the caption "they looked at you funny so i took care of them for you 💖💖💖"

joji really loving his collection of murder weapons~

ian coming home at 2 am covered in blood and he wakes you up to let you know the rude barista at starbucks wont bother you anymore - youre terrified so you run out of the house, but he chases after you, purposely running slower so he can make a game out of it where he walks around slowly and calls out your name, even though he always knows exactly where you're hiding

joji being a silent killer assassin master when he wants to be, but prefers drawn out torture sessions with anyone who did you wrong: he likes to cut off body parts related to what they did to you. if someone catcalls you he rips their tongue out. if they touch you he cuts their hands off. if they look at you he gouges their eyes out.

rejecting max but the next week you get knocked out on your way home from a late shift at work and wake up in a basement with max staring at you, once your eyes are open he tells you all about what he's going to do to you for rejecting him

"oh, darling. please don't try to run away. you know that i'll catch you again, and then i'll have to chop off those stunning legs of yours so you can't leave me again."

ian constantly being with you, following you around everywhere you go to make sure you're safe

going to a bar with joji and someone hits on you but before they can even finish their sentence hes dragging them out the back door to teach them a bit of a lesson

max kidnapping you and sealing you in a luxurious house to protect you from all those terrible people outside

joji forgetting how to speak english when he snaps and mumbling japanese to himself

cleaning your house and finding a webcam pointing at your bedroom, so you ask max about it and he tells you he just needed to make sure you arent doing anything bad when he's not home