#trick deck

What happens when you add 60mm, 78a cruiser wheels and trucks to a popsicle stick board? You get the abomination pictured here.

And yet, I think I love this setup!

Alright guys so it’s been a rather eventful month.  So let’s start things off with my friends.  Well I’m happy to say there is finally a cease fire among between the kingdoms.  Bennett and Cash finally sat down to talk about everything that has happened and mainly so Bennett can get all the feelings he’s been holding on to off his chest.  So right now they are working on rebuilding their friendship, but I’m not how sure how all of that is going.  The challenging part has been the return of the very thing that started this big situation with is the feelings between Cash and Blake.  As of now they are not dating but just exploring their feelings.  At first I thought “Oh my god here we go again” but Bennett said to me that it’s okay and he’s happy that they are finally exploring these feelings.

So back to the star of this blog, me.  Well I guess I’ll start with some negative shit.  My envy has been acting up like crazy or my single person syndrome or whatever I call it.  Whatever it is I don’t really care for the feelings they produce.  I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this before but I tend to get really envious around couples when I see them being affection towards one another.  It just makes me wish I had someone.  I mean I’ve always wanted to have someone to be close with and to find love.  It has just been bad because it feels like all of my friends have someone special, maybe not a relationship per say but at least someone to be with for that day.  My friends keep saying that I just need to wait and eventually the right person will come along.  Then they say how I don’t want to be in a relationship because while I see the affection side I don’t see how hard they are and all the work that goes into them and while I would probably be willing to put in the effort it’s hard to say if someone else is. Overall, that I need to learn to love myself.

I don’t know.  I mean logically I know they are right but I still have a hard time with it.  In my mind it seems like it is easy for people that currently have someone or has had a relationship in the past to say that I don’t want to be in one.  Yes that comes from a place of experience but when you put it in the perspective of someone who have never been in a relationship and is not close to someone in that matter it’s viewed as “Yeah that’s easy for you to say because you are not the one by yourself!”  I know that sounds ugly but that’s how I feel.  Envy isn’t pretty.  I am happy for my friends, I just want a little bit of what they have.  To me it’s like cake.  I see all these people walking around with cake.  I really wish I had a piece of cake because I see everyone eating and enjoying said cake, and for someone with a piece of cake to come to me and say “You don’t want any cake” it feels like “Easy for you to say because you have a piece of cake.”

This whole relationship thing messes with me a lot.  Stirs up what Bennett refers to as “Inner Daemons”.  Those negative thoughts and voices in your head that warp reality to make it feel like there is something wrong with you and the world doesn’t want you and all that stuff.  My inner daemons like to show up frequently.  I thought that the best thing to do is to find ways to keep my mind busy so those thoughts don’t start up but that doesn’t work.  Bennett said that you can’t just try to avoid them but more learn to live beside them because more than likely they are never going to go away but learning to live with them you can acknowledge the feelings, let it go, and then go back to what you were doing.  To me that seems like one of those “easier said than done” things.  I don’t let things go, I linger on them.  I hate it but I’m going to give it a try.  It’s been hard because the very couples that I have been envying or loath are ones I have been hanging out with but I need to get past these feelings because it’s either that or avoid basically all my friends since they are all currently with people which will cause me to really be alone.

So to turn the conversation to another direct, May in Louisville means Derby time.  If you don’t know the Derby is a big horse race that takes place every year the first week of May and we celebrate a whole 2 weeks prior to it.  So getting to and from work has been crazy for me since I work downtown but I survived.  I went to a Derby party at Blake’s house and had an okay time.  I sat there and watch this guy that I have been crushing over drunkingly make out with these two little twinks.  I was furious and I blazed until I burned out and let a few tears drop.  I know it was only a crush but it still hurts because it always feels like I try so hard to impress people and make myself appealing that to lose just hurts.  Him and one of the twinks have been dating for a couple of weeks since then.  I’ve had this desire to rip out the fucking twink’s heart but I know I can’t because my kind heart won’t let me.  Bennett said that it won’t last but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it all, rejection hurts and crushes crush.

Blake, Cash, and I went to the amusement park with our friend Dicky.  That was a fun day because I haven’t rode a roller coaster in years, turns out I’m getting too old for spinning rides.  Also I tried my first Margarita.  They aren’t bad, a little stronger than what I’m use to so I’m going to save those for a special occasion.  I also went on a journey up to Indiana to this family farm for some wine tasting.  Now wine is a different class of alcohol than what I’m use to which is basically Vodka and some juices thrown in to cover up the taste.  I wasn’t 100% happy with any of them but I think if there wasn’t a rush I could of enjoyed them more.  While up there we ate, bought some produce and fudge, and fed some ducks.  This weekend I actually went up to Indiana to do some form of “camping”.  What it is this men’s only club (aka gay club) in the middle of the country where clothing is optional.  Why would I go there you may ask?  Adventure I guess.  I mean I’ve never been there before and if anything it would be an experience so I went.  Not everyone was naked but being as shy as I am I avoid my vision so not to look at gentlemen private areas.  I went for a hike, swam a little, and ended the night with an okay Drag show.  Overall it was fun but probably not some place I would go back to unless I had more company to protect me lol.

So March has certainly been the Month of madness.  I have had new experienced and I have also been exposed to a lot of drama and I’ve still been dealing with my own inner demons.

I have made the conscious decision to try drinking a little bit of alcohol.  Backstory:  I was always against the idea of drinking because 1) I knew it could make you sick 2) I have no desire to be drunk because drunks can often be rude, annoying, and obnoxious 3) my father is an alcoholic so I know that means that genetically I also have a chance to also become an alcoholic.  But my friends have talked to me about it and suggest that I would be fine to start off slow and try a drink that only has a little alcohol in it.  I won’t really get drunk and it’s to prove that I can drink responsibly and not become an alcoholic.

So my friends suggested that I get a Strawberry Delight.  A very sweet drink with very little alcohol in it.  I like it and I don’t really feel anything when I drink it.  So I’m still a little scared of trying anything stronger but I’m comfortable right now so baby steps.  I just know that if there is chance I will get drunk-drunk that I don’t want to drive while doing so.  I’m too scared of dying to try anything stupid like that.

I have also taken up karaoke.  Yeah my friends encouraged me to come out and sing something.  Mostly I did it because my friend Bennett was sad (and is still in a depression) so he said he would have faith in the world again if I sang.  *sigh* The things I do for love.  It wasn’t bad but it’s scary and stresses me out a bit.  I feel like I’m not a good singer and I hate the sound of my voice anyways so that’s a challenge to get over.  I’ve been going weekly and only doing one song, because there is always a reason I skip doing another song.

I also went on a shopping trip.  I’ve been wanting to get some new, nice clothes because I’ve been wearing the same old stuff for years.  I took Blake (Bennett’s ex bf) with me.  Now before you jump on me for hanging out with the man that broke one of my closest friend’s heart hear me out.  While they were dating my and Blake did become friends.  While Bennett is upset about the whole situation with him and Cash Bennett only wants Blake to be happy.  He realizes that we are friends and that he doesn’t want us to feel like we can’t hangout with him.  If you want to know the current situation I’ll give you the short version.  Cash is a heartless asshole that plays with people’s emotions and Bennett and Blake are working towards becoming friends again after a hard break and they are still trying to fix themselves as well as create closure between them so they can be friends again.

Anyways, shopping trip.  So I took Blake because I always need someone to go with me to pick out clothes because my self-esteem is so low that I can’t ever pick something out and tell if I look good in it or not.  So he helped pick out some really nice things and people like it too.  I was really happy because I found that I needed smaller sizes than what I had been wearing.  Back around Halloween I was about 230.  I decided to put in effort to lose weight.  Currently  I’m around 198 so that’s a little over 30 lbs lost in about 5 months.  I was proud of myself and it felt nice to be back down to the current sizes I am.  I’ve never really cared about my weight but I thought this could help with my whole low esteem thing.  Did it work?  I mean, yeah I guess.  A little.

Oh and I should mention that a guy finally hit on me and tried to ask me out on a date.  I should be happy right?  Weeeelllllll it was one of those be careful what you wish for things, kinda.  So here it is I was at my normal bar.  One of the things I have to work on is going up to talk to new people.  I noticed one of the guys from my trivia and decided to go talk to him and get to know him.  Now let me tell you now that I was not trying to hit on him at all, just trying to make a friend.  He called me cute and facebook friended me by the end of the night.  He was a little drunk, his words not mine, so I kinda passed all the cute comments as that.  Nope he meant it.  He started hanging around me and messaging me.  He’s a very nice and sweet guy but guys he well over twice my age.  I’m 23 and he is 48.  I’m not trying to be ageist or anything and I know for some people it doesn’t matter about age but I’m not sure how comfortable I would be in that situation.  Besides I wasn’t really attracted to him before I even found out his age by looking at it on his facebook page.  The man wears his pants up and around his stomach and no me that is turn off.  So when he asked me out on an official date I had to politely decline and tell him that he was a nice, sweet guy but I wasn’t feeling that kind of connection but I still want to be friends.  He said it was fine and we could still be friends but I still felt like crap for doing that because I’ve never been on this side of the situation and I know how bad rejection can hurt.  But we are moving past it and I’m glad I made a new friend.

Alright getting this post out on time this time, go me!  Things have been so-so this month.  I got celebrate 2 birthdays this month.  My little sister, Jennifer, turned 14.  *sigh*  they grow up so fast. I also went out with a group of friends for my friend Cash’s birthday.  He turned 28 and we went to a hibachi grill which was the first time I’ve ever been to one of those.  It was very fun though I had to embarrass by relieving that I have never had chicken broth or salad, I know I’m weird.  I was a picky eater as a kid so there have been many foods I’ve never had or had only tried in recent years.  So I had to at least try both because they came with my meal and I can honestly say that I didn’t care for either.  The broth tasted like salty, melted butter and the salad had some sort of ginger dressing on it which, to me, tasted like shit.  So I guess I’m going to have to do salad again but with a different dressing.  After dinner we went to our usual bar for some drinks (Note I don’t drink.  When I go to the bar and I have to order something out of social context or whatever you call it I get like a Sprite.)  We were there waiting till the club two doors down from our bar got the dance floor all pumped up.  I hate dancing in general but I get all self conscious about it.  Plus I hate music so loud you go deaf for 2 days and are condensed in a tight space close to strangers all up on you.  But overall I did I had fun and I was doing it for Cash.

I have been going through a bit of roller coaster of emotions.  Some days I’m happy but most days I feel depressed.  Like I will be at work where it is so automatic to perform my task my brain has time to think and it likes to think about sad thoughts.  A lot of it is centered around being single.  I know I talked about this a little bit already is the post I did on Valentine’s Day, but it’s a reoccurring thought that I have.  I wonder why I am and have always been single.  It makes me feel like it’s because I’m not interesting or unattractive.  The fact that no one has ever tried to pursue as got me think “What’s wrong with me?”  I know it sounds like I’m throwing a pity party or something, and maybe I am, but it feels like something I should be worrying about.  The one thing I’ve wanted as far back as I can remember is someone who I feel like love me and I love in return.  One of my biggest fears is dying before I ever get to experience that love.

I’ve been telling Bennett, the other guy I mentioned in my Valentine’s post, about how I’ve been down and he invited me over to his place so I can talk it out.  Like I’ve said before Bennett has been a good friend and a source of wisdom for me for several years now.  A lot of times when I go talk to him about how I’m feeling we kinda spend more time talking about him but that’s fine by me.  I eventually get all my problems out but I don’t mind hearing him first because sometimes I have a hard time going first with stuff.  Bennett has also been going through alot and probably been in a depression longer than I have.  He’s started seeing a counselor for about a month now and he says that it’s been helping.  He’s also been suggesting to me for awhile that I should also go see one.  Not that he’s tired of hearing my problems but he thinks I would benefit a great deal from seeing a professional.  I have thought about it but I don’t know if I can.  In a way I feel like going to someone means I have a problem and maybe I do but is it so bad that I have to see someone.  Am I that fucked up.  I’m in no way trying to insult or turn my nose up or anything but in a way I’m scared.  I’m scared to find out that there is something wrong with me.  Also I don’t want to start taking drugs for depression, which my friends have also suggested.  I just don’t want to rely on that to fix my problems.

But talking to Bennett did make me feel better.  He even got off his chest alot of the drama that’s going on his love life between him and his ex bf Blake.  They are trying to work things out and try to fix problems they both were having while they were together.  There are alot of emotions and drama going on.  Bennett really loves Blake and it would be hard for him to just give up on him.  Bennett told me that one regret that he had with a past relationship was that they really didn’t try too hard to work through the first problem and they just broke it off after that.  Even though they are trying to work through their problems they are still fighting and having arguments.  Bennett also said that it would be hard for them to have the official brake up because in order to get over Blake Bennett would have to not see him which is hard because Bennett brought Blake to our bar for trivia very early in their relationship and he’s part of my team that I normally play with.  We are all pretty good friends but if they did an official break up Bennett would want it where him and Blake rotate when they would come to trivia because Bennett works trivia every other work and he needs that money and seeing Blake would just hurt too much plus he couldn’t come socialize with us because Blake would be right there.

Bennett asked me what I thought he should do and it caught me off guard.  I would love to help him with his problem but I honestly don’t know what to do.  I lack the experience to give wise advice like he does.  I kinda suggested that if they are still fighting and if it’s over the same general stuff then maybe it would be best to break up, but honestly I don’t know.  I just want everyone to be happy and be able to at least be friends but it’s hard in the gay community.  Hang out spots are very few and many people have some form of connection to other people.  One of the issues they are having was over Cash and it was one of things I was having problems with too.  Cash is a very attractive guy and can often be flirtation.  Bennett introduced Cash to trivia.  Apparently he had try to pursue him and he thought things were going good but all of sudden Cash started backing off saying that he just wants friendship.  Bennett explains that he thinks that because Cash doesn’t get support from his family that he doesn’t know how to deal with affection.  He may act flirtation and may at most have a make out session with someone but then he does a 180 and pulls back.  Apparently he also relatively new to coming out but it’s been a couple years I think.  Anyways, one of the fights that Blake and Bennett had while they were together was that Blake thought that he was developing a crush on Cash which is a major drama bomb.  Bennett mention that while they have been broken up Blake tried asking out Cash on a date and he was trying to turn it into a group outing.  I think Blake since then has learned that he will not get anywhere with that boy.

Which leads us to Cash’s newest crush victim, me.  Yep even I have fallen form his charms.  After I sent him the roses on Valentine’s Day he gave me a kiss on the cheek which made me really happy.  So I went to plan B which was to ask him to hang out.  The following Saturday we went together and saw a baseball game (Note, I hate sports so you all must have some idea how hot this guy is).  I thought everything went well and when he dropped me back at my house I gave him a kiss on the cheek during our hug goodbye.  He said aww which, in my head, was a positive sign that everything went well.  So at trivia last Tuesday as I was leaving I gave him a kiss on the cheek again as I was hugging him goodbye and he just gave me this ugly look.  I asked him “what?” to know why he was looking at me like that.  He said nothing so I left.  As happy as I was the previous trivia night that’s how sad I was that night.  I kept wondering what I did wrong to get such an ugly look.  The silence was the worst part because I didn’t know what he was trying to express.  At least talking to Bennett helped me realize that it was just him and after hearing his stories I’m over him.  I don’t have time to deal with those issues because I have my own to work through.

Since it’s Valentine’s Day I’ve been thinking a lot about love.  Personally, I’ve never been in love but I have experienced love.  What’s the difference?  Well in my opinion the difference of feeling love and feeling in love is the element of romance and desire.  You can love someone without having romantic feelings for them.  For example, my friend Bennett.  Bennett has been a good friend to me for years.  He has been a source of wisdom and support when I’ve needed it.  I can honestly say that I love him.  I have powerful feelings for him and always wish the best for him.  I know that I’m not in love with him because none of my feelings are romantic.  Though I may flirt or compliment him about how handsome he is or how smart he is or hard working he is what I want is for him to be happy.  To return the positive feelings he brings to me.

It’s funny really.  I was a bit depressed earlier this week because here it is another Valentines day and I’m single.  As I’ve said I have never been in a relationship.  23 consecutive years of being single.  I was sad because I felt like there must be something wrong with me since no one has ever shown interest in me.  But here it is, Valentine’s Day, and I couldn’t be happier.  Why?  Because after I talked to Bennett about my feelings and he helped me realize that all things happen in time.  That there is nothing wrong with me I just haven’t been around the right person at the right time yet.  He also showed me that things could be worst.  Like our friend Cash who just turned 28 and has never had a bf.  That made me sad on many levels.  It was after that I started what I refer to as “plotting”.  While plotting usually refers to planning something bad when I plot it’s for something good.  A surprise or an idea that will make someone else happy.  So this Valentine’s Day I decided to cheer myself up by buying flowers for two special guys in my life.  Bennett, whose bf broke up with him a few weeks ago and has been in a bit of a depression of his own (over many things in his life), and Cash, a close friend who deserves something to show that he is loved.  They both loved their flowers and they thought it was so sweet of me to send them some.

Alright so I’m a few days late on my first post but oh well.  So what’s been going on in my life?  Well I’m still enjoying my “new” job.  I put job in quotes because I’m not sure if I can really call it new after working there for over a month, almost two.  Anyways, I’m really like it.  I’m basically doing digital filing which may seem boring to some but to someone who love organization it’s perfect.  I’m exactly in the environment I desired and doing something I can honestly say that I love.  I love having a purpose again.  At my last job I was a teacher.  I went to school for 4 years to teach and after finally getting a job I thought I wanted I quit after about a month.  I know that doesn’t seem like a long time but you guys have to know I wasn’t in a good place mentally or emotionally.  Everyday it was a yelling match trying to get them to pay attention and shut up long enough to just explain how to do things.  It got worst as on a daily basis I was being called a fag and having things thrown at me.  There was no security in the school I was in so I couldn’t call to have someone take anyone out.  I would get up early and stay up late preparing for the next day.  I wouldn’t get home till about 7-8 at night and I slipped into a deep depression.  It was hard to quit but I knew I had to do it or I may have ended up doing something I would regret.  I went unemployed for 2 months until my older sister put in a good word for me at her work and I got a job so I’m moving in a more positive direction.  Working keeps my mind too busy to feel depressed.

In other news I came out to my mom again.  I say “again” because I came out to my parents before when I was 18.  Back then I told my mom first because we have a closer connection and I wanted to get her on my side for support before I would try to tell my dad.  She told me that I didn’t know what I wanted because I never dated anyone.  She then went behind my back and told my dad who gave me the AIDS and bible speech.  He also thought this was me giving up on girls because none ever showed interest in me.  A few days later he followed up our talk on a drive by telling me to get those thoughts out of my head because people will think I wasn’t raised right.  I decided to drop it and I would try again later on. 

So here it is about 5 years later and I finally built up the courage to tell my mom again. When I told here those 2 magic words “I’m gay” she asked me what that meant and I told her that it meant what it meant.  She asked me if I had tried the straight life and I told her yes for 15 years but she replied that that was not long at all.  I told her that I’ve tried the gay life and I like it.  I asked if she was mad and she said no.  She insured me that she was not mad or sad and that she’ll always love me.  We haven’t really talked about it since then but since my dad hasn’t provided me with any lectures on this she has managed to actually keep this a secret.  I’m glad I still have my mom’s love and I hope that as time moves on this can just become the established norm for our family.

I guess the last thing I should mention is that I’ve been dealing with problems, man problems.  Back on the Wednesday before New Years Eve I went on a date, my first date ever, with this guy I had been chatting with on and off again for the last couple of years.  He thought I was cute and asked me out.  We went to the movies and was Star Wars (which I’ve never seen but I was willing to see it just so I could spend more time with him).  After the movie we sat and my car and had a bit of a make out session (I know right).  When we finally broke apart we were hungry and got McDonald’s (romantic right?) and afterwards I drove him back to his car. Before he left I asked if he would be interested in going on again before he had to go back to school (Since he goes to school about 2 hours away from me) .  He told me sure and gave me a kiss before he got out of the car. 

Well after our date he didn’t seem like he was as chatty as before.  Now don’t get the wrong idea of me.  I’m not one of the those psychos who freak out about not getting messages or not soon enough, but what he was doing was starting to hurt my feelings.  I would try to start up a conversation so I can try and learn more about him and talk to him during the remaining time frame before he had to go back to school because I know he would be too busy to talk.  This would only work for a little bit until he would not message me for 5-6 hours until I would message him night so he would know that wouldn’t be responding from then on and only then would I get an instant response.  Now I can understand getting busy or falling asleep because I have been guilty of doing this but the whole week before he went back to school he seemed to have an excuse for why he wasn’t messaging back.  I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt but I can’t help but get the impression that I didn’t impress him on our date.  He fell asleep, his phone wasn’t showing my text, he went to go see a 3 hour movie.  The worst was when I asked about going out again before going back he seemed to be developing a sickness.  I told him that it’s fine because I didn’t want him being out if he’s feeling sick so I suggested a plan b which is talking over Skype while playing Smash Bros which is what we had done one of the nights before we had went out to the movies.  He told me that his voice wasn’t too strong and that he looked awful.  This drove me fucking crazy but I just told him that it’s fine, I don’t want him doing anything that he’s not feeling up to.  Apparently he wasn’t too sick because a day or two later was his friend’s birthday so he went out and got totally wasted.  I know you are suppost to feed a fever and sarve a cold but are you suppost to drown a sore throat? 

I have decided not to start any conversations with him.  No sense me wasting my time trying to talk to someone who must not be interested.  He’s back at school now and he has messaged me like twice and I can’t help but get a little excited over it, but I have told myself not to put too much into this.  I know we aren’t really anything to each other but I really thought I found someone interested in me so I built my hopes up but now just thinking about him makes me angry and depressed.  I would call him out on his stuff but I don’t want to seem psycho.  I just wish that if he wasn’t interested then he would just tell me straight up.  Whether he avoids me or instantly tells me I would get told but I rather get told right away so I would stop building up hope, go through the pain of rejection, and then pick myself up to move on.  But who knows.  Maybe I’m making something out of nothing but right now I’m going to try and not worry about it.

Alright readers so since I’m going to be talking about my life I figured it would be helpful if I provided some background information about my life so you all won’t be completely lost.  Now in my writings I may or may not change the names of the people I mention in order to protect their privacy and such.  So let’s get started.

I’m 23 years old and I have been born and raised in Kentucky.  I’m the middle child of a family of 5: My parents, my older sister Jackie, and my little sister Jennifer.  Yep the middle child of girls, so much fun.  Jackie is a few years older than I am and Jennifer is in her mid teens.  I guess I should also mention Jackie’s bf Fred and his daughter Kat who have been in our lives for about 5 years and have changed things in our lives.

Hello people of the internet (and I guess others if you don’t self-identify as a person).  This is my first time actually writing something on here and I know that I’ve had this tumblr for awhile now so to do an introduction now kinda seems pointless but I’m doing this to mark something new that I’m going to be doing on here.  You see I’m going to use this blog as a way to document my life.  The past, the present, and what I think about the future.  I want to try this out because I feel like everyone has a story and I want to tell mine.  I feel like it will be something interesting and gets me writing (though I do struggle with grammar so apologies for the grammar soldiers out there fighting the good fight).  I can use this as something I can look back on and remember how I was feeling and what I was going through during that time.

So this is what I plan to do.  At the end of each month I will writing about everything that has gone on in that month.  Why a month?  Well I feel like doing something daily is unrealistic, for me, and can be challenging because there are some day where you literally do nothing.  Weekly I feel would be just become repetitive and uninteresting.  A month provides enough time for things to happen while still providing me with a deadline so I will have some motivation to do this.  Along with the monthly blogs I may also decide to just write about one element of my life or an interest I have.  I feel like not only would it provide readers with insights but also allow me some insight into myself.