I first started toying with my gender identity in high school, but I suppressed it for many years. In 2021, during the coronavirus pandemic, my “egg” finally cracked. I admitted to myself that I was trans. At that point I had a lot of questions about myself. I didn’t consider myself a trans woman (I’m still not sure I do, to be honest), so I went by nonbinary for a while. After a while of that feeling... off, I went by transfeminine, or transfemme. That felt better.

But I still didn’t know what I wanted to be called. How should people refer to me? She/Her? They/Them? Xir/Xer? Over time I settled into a comfortable, but non-committal She/They. I prefer being called a girl, but I still don’t pass so it’s ok to be gender neutral.

But what should my name be? 

That is one of the most difficult questions for a newly out trans person. Some go by a feminized, or gender neutral version of their given (e.g. birth) name. Others, like me, pick an entirely new name. I had a pretty long list of possible ideas. Brianna. Paige. Victoria. Summer. Tatiana. Raven. Stella. Layla. Ashley. Sophie. Denise. Caroline. Rose. Penny. Luna. Naomi. Phoebe. But the one name consistently at the top of the list was: Evelyn.

I always liked the name. It looked nice written. It sounded nice. But it was missing “something.” Something that made it fit me. Something.. unique. Something different. Something that gave it pizzazz.

Avelyn was an idea, but it didn’t sit well. I liked the look of Evelyn. But it was closer. Eventually I stumbled upon æ. The near-front short unrounded vowel sound, and it’s symbol. I used it in my name online from then on. Ævelynn. It was unique. It was... special. It was mine.

But now I’m falling out of love with it. Using it is a pain. Do you know how many places accept Æ as an input? Barely any. So I have to settle. Avelynn. AEvelnn. Aevelynn. None of them are me. Maybe it’s time to go back to ole reliable. Evelyn. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Evelyn” 

Or maybe it’s time to go back to the drawing board entirely. I know I want to take my grandma’s last name, Erie, so maybe I should build off of that? I really like the look of Ævelynn. Maybe I could reverse it? Evælynn? Then it would be Eh-v-aaaa-lyn. Not sure I like that though. 

Maybe I’ll just keep it? Hope it becomes mine over time? I could style my name as Ævelynn casually, and be Avelynn legally. But then again, I don’t like the look of Avelynn. Or do I? I don’t hate it. But again, it’s not *me*. I like how it looks, but connect with it. I don’t really like how it sounds. 

My brother had an A name so it would feel weird saying Ævelynn and Adam. Or Avelynn and Adam. Saying [deadname] and Adam felt natural.