In preparation for my top surgery consultation I shaved my head to hopefully lessen the dysphoria I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t know if it’s the nerves or the excitement (truthfully it’s probably a combination of both) but I’ve been feeling really out of place lately. I’m tired of being in this middle ground. This spot where it’s an amazing feeling if someone calls me “sir”, but it still triggers me when more often than not I’m called “ma’am” or “her”. Because I’ve been feeling so much dysphoria, I’ve also been feeling a lot of nostalgia. So I’ve been looking at older pictures of myself a lot more. I thought it would make me feel worse so I’ve been avoiding looking at pre-transition pictures for a while, but honestly it’s made me see an actual difference. I have the same face but also I’m so so different. I have facial hair and a stronger jaw, I’m more masculine than ever and I feel really really good about it. I’m 22 years old and I’ve still got so much time to figure out what kind of man I am and what kind of man I want to be. I feel kind of silly for waiting so long to have this surgery, but I also know that the fear I’ve been feeling is extremely valid. I’m in a lot of middles right now so I’m feeling a lot, but I’m happy that I’m feeling loved most of all. #ftm #ftmtransgender #ftmtopsurgery #transmalepride
