#trans widows

Terfs are never beating the loner allegations.

I married a man who fathered my daughter in the conventional way.  Ten years later he decided that he had been a woman all along and so our marriage ended. I left the marital home, taking my daughter with me.  The man I married, no longer exists and I am forbidden from referring to him by his former “dead name”.

Having your boundaries gradually and forcibly broken down and compromised over a period of time until your marriage becomes nothing like the arrangement that you signed up to, feels exactly like Sarah describes-  a slow death with everything you thought you knew about yourself being gradually crushed out of existence.  But with the support of other women, we trans widows can rise again.

My experience is becoming more and more common and I have spoken to many women who have found themselves in a similar situation.  Women who previously felt completely alone in their struggle.

What can you do to help women like me?

Don’t call my ex “she” when you talk about him to me.  Call him what you like when you speak to him, but describing him with female pronouns to me, makes my life not make sense and my daughter’s life not make sense.

Don’t, under any circumstances, refer to him as my daughter’s mother.  She only has one mother and it is not him.

Seek out and share the stories of trans widows.  Help our voices to be heard.  Late transitioning men leave women and girls in their wake- wives, mothers, daughters and sisters who are asked not only to rewrite their past but to celebrate a new future that they do not recognise.

Many trans widows report feeling gagged by everybody else lauding their partners as “stunning and brave”.  Our ex’s are often celebrated twitter personalities, newspaper columnists or the subjects of documentaries, but those of us wives who leave are forced to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals. Support those women who put themselves and their children first.

When you hear of a late transitioning male, let your first thought be for these women and how they are affected. If it is somebody in your circle of acquaintance, seek out the wife or the mother and let her know that she has your support.

Defend our use of the term “Trans Widow” as some people question its appropriateness.  However it is the name that we have chosen for ourselves and it is enabling us to find each other and to share our experiences. Women talking to each other is a powerful weapon.

Don’t exclude some women from feminism in the interests of inclusiveness. Imagine seeking support from other women, only to find that your husband or father had got there first?

When you allow our ex partners space in your feminism and give them platforms in your organisations and at your meetings, you exclude their wives, daughters, sisters and mothers from accessing these spaces and making use of resources that were set up to support women like them.  Prioritise women over your desire to have a “get out of jail free” card to hold up against hostile accusations of bigotry

"You want me to map woman onto you"

I hope it's fake but the "me me me" while not even mentioning how infertility is impacting his wife reeks of the narcissism rampant in TIMs. And the bit about to him being a woman is about playing dress up and using the women's bathroom.

This time many years ago, my friend, Sarah, came out to her wife. They had been married for over two decades, and she did not want to spoil the sweet union they had. She also did not want to continue living in a body that did not conform to how she saw herself. She was in a dilemma. After extensive therapy and self intrusion, she summoned the courage and told her wife at the time. The wife’s reaction was as abrupt and damaging as it was manipulative. I write for women like Sarah, who spent years living a façade, then, the moment they came out, faced cruel gaslighting from their wives.

Contrary to popular belief, all transgender women realized how different they were from a considerably young age. However, not all transgender women made those constant mental notes about these feelings as they arose. Some transgender women, due to influences by society, family, and socialization, must create and live a façade. They must create this façade of “masculine men” to hide their inner beauty for fear of severe repercussions from society. However, at every chance these women got, they embraced secretly; that inner woman within them. The world is so hostile, and hence, they must hide that inner woman for many years till she is ready to be free. However, something as beautiful as gender euphoria cannot stay hidden. After many years of living a façade, the inner woman pushes to be made public, to blossom.

We must never blame these transgender women who grew up in a time in America where even being gay was illegal and tantamount to every imaginable form of discrimination. There was a reason to live a facade. For many late transitioners, suppressing their gender identities meant survival. Rather than blame them, let us start asking the right questions. We need to examine why society frowns so much at femininity and sees it as a weakness. In a world that claims to celebrate autonomy and authenticity, why is the transgender identity seen as extreme? Why are therapists quick to claim Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria (ROGD) when it is a case of an older transgender woman? Who made it rapid? Sigmund Freud reported about defense mechanisms. One of the defense mechanisms is repression. I have to state that defense mechanisms arise because of unsavory situations. This society is very hostile that any transgender woman who repressed her identity to survive is valid. I do not ask any questions. I understand her context, her situation and immediately gender her correctly. I must also add that Denial is another defense mechanism used by both transgender women and their spouses. Many transgender women deny those feelings because of how society portrays transgender people. When they decide to transition, their partners deny all these previous signs that were very clear. In assessing these cases, we must look at them holistically from all angles: upbringing, socialization, family status, defense mechanisms, and so on.

When my friend Sarah came out to her wife, all hell broke loose eventually. Initially, all was good. She was very two-faced in her approach to transgender identities and was bold about describing Sarah as having rapid-onset gender dysphoria. The weeks after Sarah’s confession saw her immerse herself in transphobic ideologies championed by exclusionary feminists and many other myths. This woman refused to acknowledge the many pointers Sarah had given her about her identity. She ignored the gender-switching intimate roles they both enjoyed and how Sarah was like a best friend in the bedroom and the real world. The truth is Sarah was very clear about being transgender long before she even had the right words to articulate. But all of these signs, she referred to as “warmth in a good husband.”

The next few months, she made life so hard for Sarah. She would go about calling her by her old name, “Brandon.” She isolated the children from Sarah and would use slurs in front of the kids when she referred to Sarah. She called Sarah’s body parts artificial. She refused to use she/her pronouns when referring to Sarah. She abused Sarah in front of family members and friends using derogatory and triggering words to refer to Sarah. She finally divorced Sarah and sucked her dry of every financial saving she had built. At the end of the marriage, Sarah was so depressed and tired. The fear to start again was grave but what was scarier to her was the voice of her ex-wife, “You are an ugly person; no one would ever love you.” Every time Sarah felt gender euphoria or beautiful, those ugly words of her ex-wife whispered gently.

There are no justifications for any of the manipulative behaviors unsupportive cisgender women put up when they realize the person they married could be transgender. The honorable thing to do is communicate your reservations and ask for the needed space if that feels best to you. Horrible, triggering stories written by cis ex-wives on platforms like “Trans-widows” are always one-sided. There is always this compulsion and a desire these women have to paint late transitioners as mentally ill. Again, rather than understand the nuances and reasons behind why people transition late, it is easier for these women to stigmatize the “Transgender identity.”

The stories are always about late-transitioners being selfish and wanting to throw all that “good life away.” What they fail to realize is that true happiness comes from within. The façade of a good life when gender dysphoria is eating within is just what it is; a façade. I am not advocating or telling cisgender wives how to navigate their sexuality after their partner comes out as transgender. I am saying that they do not have the right to be emotionally abusive to their transgender partners. I watched as Sarah lost her house, car, children, and many more in the wake of her transition. I watched as her wife blamed her as selfish and made Sarah’s kids hate their parent. I watched as Sarah became depressed and lethargic. Gender transitioning should open transgender women to a life of freedom and genuine happiness. However, from Sarah’s case, transitioning made her realize the true nature of her partner, those unpleasant parts of her partner.

For many heterosexual, cisgender women, there is this desire to battle and gatekeep. Many cisgender women live lives bereft of any privileges. Cisgender women are born into this world almost voiceless and face different forms of atrocities depending on what part of the world they live. Hence, they are socialized to fight for their rights and see anything that reminds them of “male” as dangerous. Many of these women see transgender women as encroaching in women-only spaces. The idea of inclusion ends when it is a transgender woman, especially when it is a transgender woman who does not pass. Most of the words Sarah’s wife used on her were proof of that. Sarah’s wife saw her as a selfish pervert who played dress-up to entice cisgender women. Hence she decided to isolate all her daughters. What she did not realize was the emotional damage she put Sarah through. Transgender women are not molesters. Every time there is that rhetoric to describe us, a part of me hurts deeply.

Sarah is now doing well. She found love and is married to her sweetheart, and they have two dogs together. But Sarah’s story is very commonplace in America today. Late-transitioners are often put through hell because they chose after many years; to live in freedom. As a country, it is high time we rethink what autonomy means. I also have to whisper, “Late-transitioners are not mentally ill. There are reasons of survival that had kept those women in the closet for so long. When they choose to be themselves, they deserve welcome and love. A supportive wife sometimes is all a transgender woman needs to face this cruel world.”

With love,

C.A

”She ignored the gender-switching intimate roles they both enjoyed and how Sarah was like a best friend in the bedroom and the real world. The truth is Sarah was very clear about being transgender long before she even had the right words to articulate.” So a man that is a friend to his wife is obviously a transwoman? I know the bar for husbands is low but damn....On a more serious note interesting that he was into at least one kink before transitioning.

“The world is so hostile, and hence, they must hide that inner woman for many years till she is ready to be free.” Society is sexist and homophobic so they don’t indulge in their fetish in public so they can enjoy male privilege in the workplace.

“Sarah’s wife saw her as a selfish pervert who played dress-up to entice cisgender women. Hence she decided to isolate all her daughters.” Was he taking their clothes? Was he dressing in clothes he won’t let them wear when he was still their dad? Did the girls themselves express discomfort? Was he showing up to public events dressed as a woman? Did he try to use the women’s bathroom when out in public? I know that’s a lot of speculation but his ex wife’s reaction suggests inappropriate stuff was going on.

”A supportive wife sometimes is all a transgender woman needs to face this cruel world.” Women aren’t mental health caretakers. If men need mental health support they can shell out the money and commit their time to weekly meetings.