#trans guy!reader

Losing a patient was always difficult, but it was worse when that patient was a child, and harder still when the cause of death was something that could've been prevented if caught in time. You knew this better than anyone due to working in pediatrics.

Don't let it be mistaken, you loved your job and the position you were in. Only people with the most gentle and softest of touches yet the strongest of wills could handle taking care of sick children. But sometimes it just got to be too much, even for you.

That day hurt more than others, because this patient in particular had been one that you saw yourself in and therefore bonded with because of it. The things that you'd enjoyed growing up, they did, too; you had the same kind of interests and hobbies, and you even noticed sharing similar mannerisms with one another. It was as if you were looking in a mirror that showed your younger self staring back at you, which made you ten times more determined to save them.

But it would seem as though fate had other plans. While the disease they had was typically treatable, and even came with a known cure, their case was far too advanced for them to be saved, even with taking medication and antibiotics. Breaking the news was one of the worst things you'd ever done, but you knew you couldn't break down, you couldn't cry, you couldn't show just how much it hurt. Not in front of the patient. You had to be strong for them. After all, they were only a child.

While they might not have picked up on your quiet despair, someone else did. Dennis noticed that there was a slight dim to the sparkle in your eyes, and you weren't quite as cheery as usual. With patients, you were just as soft and gentle, just as professional, just as kind, not letting on the pain and hurt you felt. He could see it, though.

He saw past the curtain you'd drawn tight in hopes of keeping out those who might peek in on your deep-rooted agony, saw the way your hands would shake when smoothing out a patient's bedsheets or when handing them a small cup of pills. And he saw, more than anyone, the pure torture that was in your eyes as you tried to make that one special patient's last few days more comfortable. It was like watching the start of a dam beginning to break, knowing that it would happen eventually but being unsure of exactly when that was.

And then, it did. He knew it from the sobs drifting through the shut door, from the long, steady beep coming from the monitors, and from you: quietly excusing yourself, exiting the room so the family could grieve in peace, while you disappeared to do a little grieving of your own.

Dennis simply stood there for a moment or so, unsure of what to do. He didn't want to intrude, but it was obvious just how badly this was taking a toll on you, and you didn't deserve to go through it alone. Before he could change his mind, he took off after you, heading in the same direction he saw you go after leaving the patient's room.

You were in the stairwell, sitting a little way down the steps. Your own broken cries echoed in the area, bouncing off the walls and coming back again like a cruel mockery of your pain. In your hands, you held a small stuff bear--though perhaps "held" wasn't the right word for it, as you seemed to be torn between cradling it carefully and clutching it as tightly as you could.

"Hey," Dennis spoke up, keeping his voice low and gentle as he approached, not wanting to startle you. When you looked up at him, his heart just about broke. Your eyes were all watery, damp streaks on your face from your tears catching in the light.

"It- it looks like mine," your voice caught when you spoke up, bottom lip trembling and fresh tears spilling down your cheeks as you held up the bear with a shaking hand. "Th- the bear. I- I had one just- just like it, when I was a k- kid."

He carefully stepped closer and sat down next to you, leaving enough space between your bodies to allow you to have some breathing room. "Oh, yeah?" He watched as you reached out and slowly, almost tenderly, brushed away the bear's messy curls from its eyes so it could "see", your hand then moving upwards to gently pet it on the head.

"Th- they wanted me to have it," you said in a hushed whisper, closing your eyes and hugging the bear against your chest. "M- me. Like- like I'm special, or- or something like that."

"Hey, hey-" Dennis scooted a bit closer to you, brow pinched together in a look of concern at your obvious distress. "You are special. Do you really think anyone else would've been able to bond with them the same way you did? Would've been able to understand their jokes, and references, and make them feel safe?"

"But I didn't keep them safe," you protested, tone turning bitter as your voice twisted with contempt, the venom there being turned inward on yourself. "Th- they died, Dennis. They're gone."

"And you made their last days as comfortable as you could," he countered firmly, not having it. "You made them feel seen, and cared for. You gave them what others wouldn't have been able to: a genuine connection, one that I'm sure they were incredibly grateful to have, even with everything else that was going on." He reached a hand out and tentatively rested it on your shoulder, voice growing softer and more soothing now. "Do you have any idea just how much they must've loved you, to give you that?" He nodded to the bear in your arms, still hugged close. Its button eyes seemed to stare up at you with a gaze that said "don't worry, I'm here. I'll watch over you like I did them. I'm yours to keep safe now".

You let out a shaky breath, letting his words wash over you. It felt like being swept out of a raging whirlpool of hurt before getting wrapped up in a warm and cozy blanket of love. "Thank you," you mumbled after a moment or so, your previously uneven and labored breathing returning to normal as you opened your eyes. "You have no idea how much better I feel now."

"Of course," Dennis muttered while lightly squeezing your shoulder, his hand then dropping down to your back so he could give comforting rubs to the area. "I know this hurts. It hurts like hell. But just imagine how loved they must've felt, having you there to take care of them. No one else would've been able to do that. Not like you."

Sniffling, you nodded and moved closer to him, resting your head on his shoulder as you melted further underneath his touch. "Yeah," came your reply, filled with a quiet acceptance and resignation over everything you'd been through. What was done, was done. There was no changing it. The only thing you could do now is move forward.

You lifted your gaze upwards to the doctor sitting next to you, taking in his warm eyes and gentle smile. You didn't even realize you were leaning in until his breath began to mingle with yours, fanning against your cheek.

His hand tightened on your scrubs where it remained on your back, though the rest of him didn't move. He stayed very, very still, wanting to give you complete control over the situation. He knew that you needed it right now more than ever.

When your lips finally touched his, you moved slowly, making the kiss long and deep. A certain kind of intimacy resided there, the one that came from two souls intermingling with a deeper understanding of one another. You couldn't be sure how long the kiss lasted for, only that it was exactly what you needed.

"Stay with me tonight?" You asked hopefully, a hand creeping along the shirt portion of his scrubs so your fingers could clutch onto the fabric. "We don't have to do anything beyond kissing, I just- I really need someone there."

"Don't worry," Dennis murmured in a low and reassuring voice, his own hand moving to rest on top of yours. "I'll be there with you. I'll stay as long as you need me."

For the first time in days, you finally felt as though you were at peace. He was right, you had connected with that kid in ways that others probably wouldn't have been able to. You'd made them feel safe with your presence and seen with your actions.

But now, it was the other way around. He was doing the same for you, and you couldn't have been more grateful.

End notes: there's nothing in here that explicitly states the reader's gender as I wasn't quite sure how to add that in to a fic like this one but the reader is a trans guy nonetheless per the request I was given!

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