#trans!winn

The moment they heard the vortex opening up in their living room, Alex grabbed a pillow and threw it. Hard.

“Wow, okay, I can see when I’m not wanted,” Barry said, clutching the pillow to his chest as he shook off the queasiness of a dimensional jump.

“Ha ha ha.”

“Seriously though, should I call Cisco and have him take me back? Or, should he send Iris instead of me? I don’t have to stay, Alex.”

“You’re the same as my sister, you know that? Alien and metahuman, sure, but also 100% puppy.”

Barry grinned. “You want some sushi? Be right back.”

Alex instinctively held down the book they’d been reading, and their phone, and their throw blanket - pretty much anything and everything in arm’s reach that Barry’s departure would jostle. 

He was back before they were finished securing everything.

“Okay, sushi! And I brought a friend!”

Winn’s hair was on end and his eyes were still wide. “So fast. Alex, he is so. Fast.”

“Missed you too, bud.”

Barry opened his arms wide, bags full of sushi dangling off his arms, and Winn stepped into them eagerly. Yeah, Barry was definitely, somehow, a wholesome kid. Once Alex had gotten over their desire to throttle him for taking their sister away without bringing Alex along to protect her, they’d come to like him quite a bit.

Plus, he always helped Alex help Winn when his dad was saying more messed up stuff. “Just because you’re a man too doesn’t make you like him,” Barry would tell Winn, over and over, the three of them curled up in Alex’s king-size bed. “You being trans doesn’t make you like your dad. It makes you like you.”

It helped, too, that Joe was so taken with Winn. “Like a white boy Cisco,” he’d laughed the first time Winn had teamed up with Team Flash. Having father figures that loved him well in multiple universes was helpful for Winn.

But Alex didn’t know what would be helpful for them tonight. Maybe nothing. Or maybe just… people.

Barry seemed to know - he always seemed to know, which was - to say the very least - annoying.

“Maggie and James are on their way with potstickers, and Kara’s flying Lena to Chicago right now for some deep dish.”

There was a rap on the window, followed by some loud, excited shouts.

“I’ve got some food from a planet named Chicago, does that count? Monica says it’s almost worthy of its earth name.”

Alex laughed as Carol Danvers nudged the window open with their foot, balancing a picnic basket of food in one arm and a whole human in the other.

“Hi Alex,” Adrian said, his eyes wide and sparkling. “Captain Marvel told me you guys have the same last name,” he said as he hugged Winn and immediately dove into Barry’s takeout bags. “I feel like you’ve gotta be long lost sibs, right?”

“I mean, anything’s possible right? Seventeen universes represented in this apartment tonight.”

“I count three, Allen, not quite seventeen,” Carol smirked. Barry pretended to glare. “But you did send that soft distress call. So, spill.”

Carol tilted their head at Barry. “You don’t have to pretend to be so chipper all the time you know, kid.”

Barry looked like he was going to answer back, but instead, he melted onto the couch next to Alex. They tossed a pillow at him again, but this time, for him to hold into his chest as he leaned into them.

Adrian curled up onto Alex’s other side, and Carol settled onto the floor with Winn. They both set to distributing food quietly to the others.

“I know I don’t. But I kind of do! If I don’t pretend to be chipper, I’ll feel it all. And that’s not… that’s not safe for anybody.”

“Cheers,” Alex muttered. But Carol and Adrian shook their heads.

“You’ve gotta feel it to use it, Barry. So? What are you feeling?”

“Pissed off.” Alex smiled. They didn’t hear Barry admitting to feeling upset too often - not outside those late-night double dates with him and Iris and them and Maggie, when it was suddenly 2am and they could all admit to anything and everything.

“You know, when I came out, it was like… I was this unstoppable being, you know? And for once, it had nothing to do with Iris, or Joe, or my dad, anyone else. Just, it was me. It was for me. Waking up from my top surgery, all those cliches of like, ‘oh, here I am,’ all of that was so, so true for me, it was so perfect. And I think I got used to it, to feeling that good. But I’m not unstoppable, right? I try to be. But I’m not. And sometimes it feels… worse. After it felt that good.”

“The post-gender euphoria dysphoria,” Adrian said with his mouth full of ginger.

“Yeah, that.”

Alex sighed and let their head drop onto Barry’s shoulder. Winn did the same on Carol, who passed Adrian all the ginger he could want.

“That’s like healing, though, right?” Winn said. “Like, when you’ve got a massive scab that’s starting to heal, it itches a lot. And that’s how you know it’s getting better. Right, Danvers, science?”

“Which Danvers?”

“I’m not the science Danvers, that’s you, Alex.”

“Yeah. It pains me, obviously, but Winn’s right.”

“Mark the time and places, lads and ladsies.”

“Oh my God.”

“No, seriously though. You have a higher standard for yourself now, Barry. For what you deserve and for how much love and attention you should give yourself. When stuff gets in the way of that now, it’s going to be a bigger contrast. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.”

Alex rubbed at the back of Barry’s head, just once. He smiled. So did they.

“You’re doing it right, Barry. It’s not all going to be linear. And least, that’s what my therapist says.”

“Mine too.”

“Same.”

“Same.”

“Yeah, and mine’s from a different galaxy, and they still say it, so you know, we’re all got to be on to something.”

“Carol, how is your therapist from -”

“It’s a long story.”

“We’ve all got time.”

“And each other.”

“Awwwww, Alex!”

“Quote me on that and none of you will ever be allowed in this apartment again.”

Maggie’s key scraped the front door at the same moment as Kara and Lena flew in through the window. And, as if on cue, Cisco started up the portal again for Iris, Monica, and Maria to come through. With, of course, even more food.

Chapter Preview:

“I still don’t get why you come here over the summer.” Alex poked at her rubbery slice of pizza and watched as Maggie nibbled at the vegan chicken fingers that Alex could admit at least minimized the risk of food poisoning, even if they most definitely did not taste the same, even when her eyes were closed.

“It’s free, Danvers. Isn’t that reason enough?”

“Maybe as a freshman I would’ve agreed, but…” Alex took another bite of her pizza and wrinkled her nose. “I’m not so sure these days.”

“Ah yes, you wizened old grad student.”

“Hush.”

“I’m just saying, you weren’t complaining about what I bought with my savings last night…”

“Maggie!” Alex yelped, her voice much higher pitched than she would have liked. “We are in public!”

Maggie snorted into her lunch. “Not like I went and yelled that I bought a big purple c—” She spluttered as Alex’s hand found its way to her mouth, muffling anything further.

Alex finally removed her hand when she heard a voice calling out across the cafeteria: “Hi, Maggie!”

“Hey, Winn!” Maggie waved him over and patted the seat next to her. “Care to join us?”

“Oh, I don’t—it’s fine.”

Maggie caught the way Winn was decidedly not looking at Alex. “Worried about getting caught sitting with your OChem TA? Or are ya just worried about the TA herself?” Alex rolled her eyes as Maggie stuck her tongue out at her.

“I mean you two are—I wouldn’t want to interrupt.” It was one thing to sit with his summer RA, who pretty much everyone in the dorm loved. It was a very different thing to sit with the intimidating OChem TA, who was only 21 and already in grad school and sometimes even corrected the professor. He didn’t need to consider the fact that she sort of scared the hell out of him, even if he had caught her looking distinctly less severe than she did in the lab while cuddling with Maggie out on the quad.

“Nah, c’mon, I haven’t seen you all week.”

“Been studying for the test we had this morning,” Winn offered by way of an explanation.

“And knowing you, I’m sure you aced it. Now I promise Alex will be on her best behavior—no quizzing or biting or anything.” Alex smirked at Maggie until she shrugged. “At least not much.”

When Maggie continued to pat the seat next to her, Winn sank down, plucking a potato chip from the bag and popping it into his mouth.

“Kara says hi, by the way,” Alex added, earning a smile from her girlfriend for her efforts.

Winn seemed to perk up at the mention of some tie to Alex that wasn’t the most notoriously difficult class at the university. “How’s her internship going?”

“Oh, you know, fetching lattes and answering phones—the very glamorous life of a CatCo intern. But she says she’s started getting to do a few hours per week with the editorial team, and for some reason she still worships the ground Cat Grant walks on.”

“It’s the ass,” Maggie mouthed at Winn, earning an under-the-table kick to her shins from Alex.

“Anyway,” Alex sighed. “Got any fun plans for the weekend?”

“Oh, um, the lab report and trying to get ahead on reading and—”

“Winn.” Maggie nudged at his tray. “You know she can’t dock you points for having a life.”

So I’m linking @queercapwriting to this because they were on Twitter after @supertworld linked me in a twitter post and when I fell and hurt my nose (Pretty sure I may have broken it but totally not going to the doctor after all my idiotic accidents around the house).  My cat, Catie, actually did trip me and I was listening to Ready, Aim, Fire from Imagine Dragons while I was tripped.  This song is amazing. 

But I had a bloody nose for like 10 minutes and it was insane.  I’ve got a bit of a black eye but I’m okay. It helps that I have pain medication due to my EDS. But yeah, Catie is rude as Hell. 

Dec, buddy, this is for you!

Winn yawned as he rolled out of bed, phone in hand while he came into a standing position.  He let out a long groan as his back popped in several places before he blew out a content sigh.  Winn stood there for a moment, fighting another yawn as he scrolled down the most recent messages in his Discord group. They were mostly chatting about their plans to do a D&D meet-up, but unfortunately with his late hours at the DEO and then with his night-time adventures with James, he didn’t have time.  

He was getting ready to type a message, asking if they could change the time for this week, when his buddy, Dec, sent a message.

NapsRMyBitch

@HitMeWithYourBestSchott Winn dude, you in? This Saturday, 9AM, my place, BYOS

Pausing to think, Winn smiled when he realized that he did, in fact, have this weekend off.  He’d have to leave around 4 to go to Kara’s place for a movie night, but he would be able to spend time with his friends for the first time in close to a month.  A big grin spread across his face as he walked to his closet, typing out a message and sending it.

HitMeWithYourBestSchott

Uhh, you know it! As long as you people stop poaching my goddamn snacks.  I’ll be there 1/2hr early to set up w/ you?

Winn, in the heat of the moment, turned on pandora and quickly picked out clothes for the day. He grabbed his binder before heading to the bathroom, sliding around on his socks on the hardwood floor in his excitement.  The song ‘Ready Aim Fire’ by Imagine Dragons came on, sending his pumped up energy to a higher level.  

“With our back to the wall, The Darkness will fall,

Never quite thought we could lose it all,

Ready, aim, fire, ready, aim, fire,” he sang passionately, his voice cracking slightly.  He slid on the floor again, the song continuing without his singing as he entered the bathroom.  He turned on the water in the sink and brushed his teeth, looking into the mirror and finding his hair absolutely insane.  Winn brushed his teeth as the song bustled and his phone buzzed occasionally.

He quickly dressed, almost getting himself stuck in the binder, and then fixed his hair, setting the song on repeat.  

Winn quickly shot out of the room again, sliding on his socks in the hallway as he made his way back to his room for his shoes.

“Off in the distance, there is resistance,

Bubbling up and festering,

Hey Mr. Motion, make me a potion

Shake it all up with – Shit!”

Winn watched as his cat, Chester, darted out from the laundry room and in front of him.  He rushed to try and change his position, taking a step and twisting around.  He found himself face-first into the wall, pain exploding across his face and localizing around his nose.

-.-.-

Winn held an ice pack against his nose, sitting back against his chair.  Alex, perched on the counter next to his computer.  

“How did you break your nose again?”

They weren’t sure what was wrong. 

Classes were going well (they were acing everything, of course), their girlfriend was incredible (as always), their sister and Lena were disgustingly adorable after finally realizing what everyone else knew about their relationship (by disgusting, they meant beautiful), and for once they were getting on decently well with their mother and…

And everything was horrible.

Maybe it was precisely because everything was great.

Maybe it was precisely because their brain was broken, somehow they were broken.

“You’re not broken, Alex, I promise,” Winn told them without taking his eyes off the PS4. He took out a stormtrooper that had been about to lower Alex’s health to nothing.

Oh damn. They’d said that out loud.

“Behind you!” Adrian warned, backseat driving without a controller.

“Behind which of us?” Winn asked even as he swerved just in time to avoid a jump trooper’s fire. “If you’re gonna backseat Star Wars: Battlefront, you’ve gotta be more specific, dude.”

Adrian preened, leaning into Winn and batting his eyelashes. “You called me dude, dude.”

“Yeah, yes, you’re both very dudely, but one of us has gotta get to the damn turret and take care of those TIE fighters,” Alex groaned.

Adrian slid off of his dorm room couch, inserting himself on the floor between Alex and Winn. He rested his head on Alex’s shoulder.

“Winn’s right, you know. You’re not broken. I mean, your health is pretty low, you should go for that heart in the corridor – but you, IRL, are not broken, Alex Danvers.”

“No?” Alex said, slamming pause just as they were respawning with their last life, glaring daggers at the jump trooper that had finally gotten them. “Then what the hell? Everything’s fine. Kara’s good, Maggie’s good, you guys are good, James is good, everyone’s healthy, everyone’s fine, my mother finally started using my damn pronouns, so what could possibly -”

“Your feelings aren’t a laundry list of who’s doing well and what’s going right, Alex,” Adrian said. Alex turned on him instead of the jump trooper and glared.

“Aren’t you supposed to be the itty bitty freshman? Aren’t we supposed to be giving you sage life advice?”

Adrian held up his hands and smirked. “Listen, I’m the one with the PS4, so you can’t piss me off.”

“True,” Alex murmured, apologizing by putting their head on his shoulder.

“He’s right, though, Alex,” Winn shrugged, adjusting the controller in Alex’s hand and pressing play on their game again. “Depression isn’t broken, it’s just... depressed.”

Alex and Winn’s Star Wars avatars lined up back to back - I got your six, Maggie always told Alex, and Winn had done some learning from her - and finally took down the damn jump trooper.

They both whooped, and Adrian whooped louder. 

For some reason, it made the three of them descend into such a strong fit of giggles that they had to pause the game again.

“Guys?” Alex said when they finally caught their breath. “Thanks.”

“That’s what we’re here for,” Adrian said, kissing their cheek.

“Aww, can I kiss your cheek too?” Winn asked.

“Try it and see what happens, Schott,” Alex said, and they all laughed again.

“I don’t wannaaaaaaa,” Adrian sprawled himself out on Maggie’s twin dorm bed, limbs all akimbo, barely fitting on top of her Spiderman comforter.

“I have cookies?” Maggie held out a box as a please-for-the-love-of-Rao-can-we-get-our-homework-done offering. Adrian promptly spilled out of the bed in an attempt to approach the chocolate chips with the proper amount of both reverence and urgency.

“I wanna,” he murmured, defeated, through a mouthful of not-too-soft, not-too-crunchy goodness.

“Thank god,” Maggie rolled her eyes affectionately. “I can’t handle three of you on my hands, all not wanna-ing to do our orgo labs.”

“Wouldn’t it be not wanting?” Winn looked up from his notes, grabbing a cookie from the box and looking up - backwards, sort of - at Maggie with a deeply mischievous grin on his face.

He was laying on his back on her dorm room floor, his Pac-man socked feet resting up on her wall. Alex swatted at his legs as they walked into the room.

“You just disagree with my girlfriend, Schott?” they asked, and he grabbed for another cookie as he gulped.

“No?” 

Alex grinned before reaching down and touseling Winn’s hair. He practically preened under the attention, still reveling in how short it was, how rubbing his head now meant massaging his scalp through his soft spikes, not making knots in his hair.

“That’s what I thought,” Alex grinned before pulling Maggie in for a long, open-mouthed kiss.

Maggie sank into it enthusiastically, Winn squeezed his eyes shut and hummed very loudly, and Adrian took the opportunity to cram three more cookies into his mouth.

“Save some for the fishes,” Winn whisper-shouted, and Adrian tossed him the box.

“Didn’t know you were a fishes, Winn, but whatever works for you.”

The boys laugh as Alex and Maggie nearly topple each other down onto Maggie’s bed.

“We are literally still here, in your room,” Winn reminded them, and Maggie stood as tall as she could, adjusting her shirt and the lip gloss stains Alex had left on her mouth.

“My room, my rules,” she smirked, and Alex nodded, pleased.

“Her room, her rules,” they agreed.

“So we’re gonna actually study, or we’re gonna watch you two make out, or -”

“Honestly, probs a bit of both,” Alex shrugged, their arm around Maggie’s shoulder as they dragged their textbook into their lap.

“It’s gonna be a long night,” Adrian murmured to Winn, but everyone knew that no one minded.

“Move over, Schott.”

He doesn’t even open his eyes, and he certainly doesn’t have to ask how Alex got into his apartment.

He just shimmies over on his bed, because it might not be as big as Alex and Maggie’s, but it’s big enough.

Still without opening his eyes, Winn can practically see Alex pouting at him, so he grins slightly as he tosses his arm out to his side.

Alex makes a small sound of contentment as she flops down next to him, using his bicep as a pillow.

She tosses her arm across his stomach, and they scoot closer to each other.

“Your shoes are still on,” Alex observes after several long minutes of just breathing together, their inhales and exhales synced.

“It was a long day, okay?” Winn counters without any actual defensiveness.

“Same,” Alex sighs.

“Maggie on the night shift?”

“Nah, she’s out with Kara and Lena. I was gonna go too, but I wanted some Schott time.” A slight pause. “Quote me on that, and I’ll toss your Wii out the window.”

Winn smirks at that. “I can just swap it with another one.”

Alex pops open one eye to see Winn waggling his eyebrows mischievously, and she smacks his stomach very, very lightly with her open palm. “I meant your gaming system, not – oh, god, I’m not making this better, am I?”

They both laugh – long and hard, but also soft and sleepy – into another contented silence.

Alex breaks that silence by chuckling again.

“Mmm?”

“Nothing. I was just thinking.”

“Shocking, Alex. You? Thinking?”

“Shut up,” Alex counters, but Winn can practically hear her smiling. “I was just thinking about how nervous you were when you told me you’re trans and aro and ace, and how nervous I was when I told you I’m a lesbian, and look at us now.”

Winn shifts so he can kiss Alex’s forehead. “Nerves are weird creatures, huh?”

“Oooh, what would a nerve creature look like?”

“Like a neuron?”

“Or a somatic nerve.”

“But like, eight feet tall.”

“You know what, we shouldn’t joke like this.” They’re both sitting up now, eyes wide open and smirks of delight on both their faces.

“Yeah, knowing our lives, it could totally happen.”

“The nervocalypse.”

“The Attack of the Nerves.”

“Like a panic attack?”

“Well, yeah, but like, with eight foot nerve creatures.”

They dissolve into laughter, holding each other up in every way.

“Let’s never tell anyone about this conversation, okay?”

“What conversation?”

They both smile broadly as they lay back down and re-entangle their limbs. 

The first time James called him his brother was one of the best days of Winn’s life.

Because he was stealth when they met.

But when he called him his brother?

Was the day Winn came out to him.

It’s late and they’re a little tipsy and it’s Game Night and Kara knows but he hasn’t gotten around to telling James or Alex or Maggie yet.

But they’re family.

They’re family, and this night is about family, and his being trans is just as much a part of him as his being bi, and James and Alex and Maggie hadn’t blinked about that, had they?

There’s the voice in his head that tells him that sexuality is different than gender. That sometimes, people who act fine with your sexuality get somehow threatened and angry about your gender journey.

There’s another voice in his head that tells the first voice to calm down, because this is his family. 

It’s late and they’re a little tipsy and he accidentally wound up clicking his Mario Kart avatar to be Princess Peach and it’s making his palms sweat.

He’s long since been more than alright with things considered to be feminine in heteronormative society, but Peach has a long history with him.

A long history through the one foster home he stayed in that actually had gaming systems. He usually wasn’t allowed to play, but when he was, the older kids made him be Princess Peach, because they said he was such a princess.

They said it precisely because he kept trying to be anything but that.

So he accidentally selects her as his avatar and his palms start sweating and Kara hears his heart rate elevating and as the others argue loudly over which road to race on, Kara leans into him.

“Winn?” she asks.

He jumps, like he’s surprised to hear the name he gave himself.

The name that matches the man he grew up wanting to be, and the man that now, grown up, he never wants to be.

The man he’s always known he had the potential to be, both the good and the terrifying.

“We need to restart!” he yelps, and his voice cracks like it used to when he first started going on T.

“No way, Schott, just because you always get your ass whomped in Bowser’s Castle doesn’t mean -- “

“No, Alex, seriously,” he says, and Kara beams at him without smiling as James immediately pauses the game and Alex turns to Winn with sudden concern in her eyes.

“Sorry, Schott, I didn’t know you meant it. What’s up?” Alex asks as Maggie tilts her head with soft, patient eyes.

James puts a tentative hand on his knee, both comforting and questioning.

Winn remembers when he had been afraid James wouldn’t do that anymore, after he found out he was bisexual.

Turns out, though, that they don’t have a straight friend in their group at all, so that... that had helped.

And he hopes it’ll help now.

He gulps, and his eyes flicker from Alex’s to James’s to Kara’s to Maggie’s, back to Kara’s, and then, to his own hands. 

He is terrified, and he is panicking, and he is diving, ready or not.

“I’m trans,” he splutters, and Kara smiles into the silence.

Alex tilts her head and Maggie smiles softly and James nods slowly, not moving his hand from Winn’s knee.

“Okay,” James is the first to speak. “Do you want us to call you something else, or use different pronouns, or -- “

“No,” Winn interrupts, feeling his face get red now. “No, I don’t mean I’m a trans girl or nonbinary or anything. I mean I... I mean, I was raised as a girl, and I started T the month I aged out of foster homes, and I never meant to not tell you guys, it’s not like it’s a secret or like I’m ashamed, I just don’t tend to tell people at work for maybe obvious reasons and then suddenly we were friends, and then family, and I never knew how to bring it up, and now... they used to make me play as Princess Peach, when I was a kid, and I don’t want to, even though, let’s be honest, I’d make a fabulous Princess Peach, but it just made me think... you guys are my family, and I want to be able to share all the parts of my life with you. So... yeah.”

“Oh, Winn,” Alex murmurs, because there are tears streaking down his face, and they’re in their socks on the floor in Kara’s living room and her cold steel DEO reputation has long-since been shattered in this room, with these people, so she drops her controller and she crawls forward on her knees, and she wraps her arms around him and kisses his forehead and wipes his tears.

“Look at you, making me hug you and have feelings,” she swallows a sob after a long moment, and they laugh shakily in each other’s arms.

“I’m proud of you, man,” Maggie tells him with light in her eyes that makes him feel like he can fly.

He wipes his eyes as he looks from Maggie’s beaming face, past the Danvers’ girls’ teary ones, to James.

“You were my brother yesterday, Winn, and you’re my brother today. You’re gonna be my brother forever, you hear me?” James grins, and when they pull each other in for a hug, the girls hold each other close, too, because family, family, family.

“Let’s restart this thing and make you Toad,” James smiles broadly when they finally disentangle from their embrace. 

“Toad works for me!” Winn beams as Kara reaches for his hand and brings his knuckles to her lips.

“I love you,” she mouths at him.