#trampus

Trampus in Arkansas

And on the other side of the Spooky Door, the Dudes didst find themselves in a sewer. ‘Holy shit, Batman!’ cried Nori, ‘I praise the Gods of Hondo, that I have wings!’ ‘I’ll second that,’ quoth Adria. ‘Speak for thyself,’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty. ‘Now I’m gonna smell like shit all day.’ And Pookie didst whip out his Zippo lighter— ‘Don’t shoot! Don’t light a match!’ cried Nori. ‘For this place hath more gas than a herd of sacred cows!’ ‘Then how the hell shall we see what we art doing?’ quoth he. ‘Aye,’ quoth Casey, ‘for I am afraid of the dark!’ ‘ ’Tis not so dark in here,’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever, ‘for the walls of this sewer gloweth green.’ ‘Fuckin’ A!’ quoth Nori. ‘What in the name of a perverted, diver-molesting walrus was Dr Färtnøkker doing in that lab of his?’ ‘May we never know…’ quoth Scoot. ‘I am told that there was a sewer which leadeth unto the junkyard from whence Dr Färtnøkker didst find the parts for his twisted creations,’ quoth the Stranger. ‘If we wander around at random, we might findeth the way.’ ‘Dr Färtnøkker said that he had more than one Machine,’ quoth Richard. ‘Could it be that we may yet face more of his little toys…’ And so the Dudes didst follow the eerily-lit sewer passages, and the green darkness didst engulf them. ‘These sewers art really creepy, not to mention crappy,’ quoth Yoco. ‘I hope there’s nothing down here…’ ‘This sewer runneth underneath a mad scientist’s castle…’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty, ‘There’s bound to be something down here.’ ‘Shut up,’ quoth the Stranger, ‘ye talk too much.’ ‘Too late,’ quoth Nori. For that was when the Dudes first heard the sound that was approaching them from behind. ‘Great,’ quoth Adria. ‘Now what?’ ‘Look not at me,’ quoth Myles, ‘for ’tis thine imagination, sis, not mine.’ And it came to pass that the water down the tunnel behind them was now alive with movement, for all the fish everyone hath flushed down the toilet art back, and they art really pissed. ‘Holy shit!’ cried Nori. ‘Radioactive mutant zombie-fish!’ For they were indeed glowing the same eerie green as the rest of the sewer. ‘And I bet they just loveth to sexually assault scuba-divers!’ ‘Where the hell didst that one come from, Nori?’ quoth Casey. ‘I’ll handle this!’ quoth RJ, and he didst aim his Hyper-X Buttplate at them. And as Yoco didst whip out his Zippo lighter, he cried, ‘Fire in the hole!’ ‘Oh boy!’ cried Casey. ‘A fire!’ ‘Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!’ cried Nori as the Dudes didst run for dear life from the colossal blue fireball which didst engulf the tunnel behind them, but it was catching up with them too quickly… And then it didst fizzle out and runneth out of gas. ‘Well,’ quoth Richard. ‘That was rather anticlimactic.’ ‘But… how… jade… fuckin’… giraffe…’ quoth Nori, ‘ran… out of gas?’ And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders. ‘How the hell art we going to get out of here?’ quoth Casey. ‘I know not the symbols on these walls,’ quoth the Stranger, ‘for I am told they giveth directions to the Junkyard.’ ‘Great,’ muttered Nori. ‘Now tell me again, Scoot, why didst we drag this guy along? What kind of guide art thou?’ But before Scoot couldst reply, a ghostly figure didst appear before them further down the tunnel, and it was heading right for them. ‘Eek! A ghost!’ cried Dirty Uncle Orty. ‘Scoot!… Scoot!…’ moaned the vaguely familiar apparition. ‘Trampus Canaster? Is that ye?’ quoth Scoot. ‘Aye…’ quoth the apparition, for ’twas indeed the Ghost of Trampus Canaster. ‘I don’t believe it!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever. ‘Who the fuck is Trampus Canaster?’ quoth Orty. ‘He was the first Pope of Hondo, dumbass!’ quoth Nori. ‘Show thee some respect,’ quoth Casey. ‘Ha! Scoot, this time thou canst not thwacketh me with thy staff!’ quoth the Ghost of Trampus. But Scoot didst try anyway. ‘I am come to lead thee through the Sewers, that thou may’st continue thy quest,’ quoth the apparition. And there was heard behind them the sound of a thousand toilets flushing. ‘Oh shit! Oh shit!’ cried Nori as the Dudes didst once more dash down the sewer tunnel for dear life. ‘Ye said it!’ quoth Richard. ‘Let us get the hell outta Dodge!’ ‘This way!’ quoth the Ghost of Trampus, and he didst lead them in a race against a tidal wave of raw sewage (or Grey Water, as it is known in some circles) to the exit. And he didst lead the Dudes unto a Spooky Door, and hidden in a crack in the wall was a Skeleton Key. ‘Hurry!’ cried Casey. And the Dudes didst escape thru the Spooky Door, and they didst find themselves in the Junkyard. ‘Shut the fucking door, dumbass!’ cried Nori. And Scoot didst shut the fucking door behind him, and the Dudes couldst hear the wave of shit hit the other side of the Spooky Door with a mighty whump! And on the other side, the Dudes didst find themselves in a vast junkyard filled with piles of old appliances and machines. ‘Stay thee here, Myles,’ quoth Scoot as he didst hand him the Skeleton Key, ‘lest thou see’eth even more things thou doth not wish to believe in.’ There were was no word of disagreement from Myles the Unbeliever. And it came to pass that as the Dudes wandered through the Junkyard, they were attacked by an army of evil appliances. Evil toasters, washers, dryers, refrigerators, fans, microwaves, all didst rise up against the Dudes. ‘What the hell didst this guy used to do for Science Fair Projects?’ quoth Pookie. ‘I believe he didst transport his school to another dimension,’ quoth Richard. And the Dudes didst power up and do battle with the army of evil appliances. With their combined might (and with liberal doses of Kungfucius’ power pills), the Dudes didst prevail and return the evil appliances to the junk from which they came. And so the Dudes didst pass on through the Junkyard unmolested, until they came upon (surprise, surprise) another Spooky Door. ‘Whew,’ sighed Casey. ‘I’m glad that’s over.’ ‘Shut up,’ quoth the Stranger, ‘ye talk too much.’ And it came to pass that the Junkyard Dogs didst appear, and didst snarl at them with gleaming white fangs and yellow glowing eyes. ‘I knew this looked too easy…’ quoth Nori. ‘Dr Färtnøkker hath given us dominion over his boneyard,’ barked the leader of the Junkyard Dogs. ‘None may pass this way without our permission!’ ‘Well,’ quoth Scoot, ‘may’st we have thy permission?’ ‘No!’ snarled the leader. ‘Eh,’ quoth Scoot. ‘ ’Twas worth a try…’ ‘Yeah?’ quoth Richard, ‘Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Dr Färtnøkker’s dead, and thou wilt be too, if thou getteth in our way!’ And so the Dudes didst prepare to do battle with the Junkyard Dogs— But the demonic dogs were powerful spell-casters, and one of them didst cast a Level Nine Ice Spell on the Dudes, freezing them in their tracks. And it came to pass, just as all looked lost, that a black shimmering panther, a shadowy feline nightmare, didst descend upon the Junkyard Dogs, snarling and hissing ancient curses at them. ‘Oh no!’ cried the one of the Junkyard Dogs. ‘ ’Tis Lydia! Let us get the hell out of here!’ For not even the most powerful of the Junkyard Dogs was any match for her dark powers, and their concentration was broken, and so too was their Ice Spell. ‘Holy high-rollin’ horse-fuck!’ cried Nori. ‘Who is that?’ And Liddy didst curse up a blue streak as she merrily pursued the terrified hellhounds, unleashing a chain of profanities that cannot be translated into the words of men. And they couldst tell that she was just warming up. ‘No fucking way!’ cried Nori, for she knew that she had been outdone. ‘Damn!’ cried Richard. ‘That cat doth know how to curse!’ ‘Fuckin’ A right!’ quoth Casey. And the Dudes were left standing alone before the Spooky Door. ‘Well,’ quoth Scoot, ‘that was interesting…’ And the Demigod David didst appear before them with his Anti-Gravity Cape, which didst give him the power to fly and be dim, and said unto them: ‘Hail Dudes! I am come to stand watch over this door, for ’twill take all of thee to overcome the challenges which lie ahead. Go forth, Dudes, and don’t let the door kick ye in ass!’ And so it came to pass that the Demigod David didst keep watch over the Skeleton Key.

(1st Dudes was brought to thee by the Good Fucking Item Shop. Healing potions! Lockpicks! Enchanted gems and other pre-owned loot for all thy questing and dungeon-delving needs! For we accept Rupees, Gil, Septims, and other currency on approved credit! Conveniently located near wherever thy party be adventuring! ’Tis all fucking good!) In the Deserts of Suburbia there lived a man whose name is long-forgotten. And these art the descendents of the long-forgotten man: The long-forgotten man begat the Man Who Invented Fire. And the Man Who Invented Fire begat Mehujael the Pyro. And Mehujael the Pyro begat Shelah. And Shelah begat Jubal, who was the father to all who dress in drag. And Jubal begat Japheth. And Japheth begat Gomer. And Gomer begat the Fifth Beatle. And the Fifth Beatle begat Peleg. And Peleg begat Ashkenaz the Unnamable. And Ashkenaz the Unnamable begat Mizraim. And Mizraim begat Abimael. And Abimael begat Put the Flatulent. And Put the Flatulent begat Sabtah. And Sabtah begat Ophir. And Ophir begat the Great White Dope. The Great White Dope begat Rodanim. And Rodanim begat Jobab. And Jobab begat Hobah the Transsexual Nazi Eskimo. And Hobah the Transsexual Nazi Eskimo begat Mattan. And Mattan begat Javan, who was the father to all who brew the coffee bean. And Javan begat Tarshish. And Tarshish begat Dedan. And Dedan begat Judas, who wrote the first computer virus. And Judas begat Raamah. And Raamah begat The Man Who Invented the Uniform. And The Man Who Invented the Uniform begat Tema. And Tema begat Jehoash. And Jehoash begat Jetur. And Jetur begat Trampus Canaster. One day, Trampus was walking down the road, and he met a mysterious young man sleeping under a tree. A terribly mysterious man, and he was sleeping like the dead. And the man didst awaken without warning, standing and stretching. A Faerie didst flit down from out of the tree, and this didst greatly intrigue Trampus. ‘Who art thou?’ Trampus asked. ‘I am called Scoot the Ko’An,’ quoth the mysterious young man. ‘I am also called Scoot the Wanderer, Scoot the Insomniac, and Scoot the Smart-Ass. But mostly, I am called Scoot the Ko’An. And thy name wouldst be?’ ‘My name is Trampus,’ quoth Trampus. ‘Where art thou going, or hast thou already gotten there?’ ‘I am still on my way,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I know not why I tell thee this, but I am trying to post the Commandments of Hondo on the Internet, but an evil Technomage didst sick a Holo-Demon on me. Wouldst thou aid me in my search for the Technomage?’ ‘Will I work for the Gods of Hondo? Dost the Pope wear a funny hat? What is need compared to the Path?’ ‘I taketh that as a yes,’ quoth Scoot. ‘What the hell is his problem?’ quoth Nori the Cursing Faerie. And Derrick, the God of Orange Juice Drinking, didst appear before them as a nude lesbian and said unto them, ‘Didst someone say Pope? O fortunate day! ‘We anoint Trampus Canaster as the Pope of Hondo,’ the God of Hawai’ian Shirts spake unto Trampus. ‘Thou shalt aid Scoot in his search for the Technomage and thou shalt seek out others to follow us. Now, go forth, Scoot and Trampus.’ ‘Dead flies cause the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savor,’ quoth Trampus, ‘but cast thy bread upon the waters, for the Gods of Hondo shall find it after many days!’ ‘Whoa! Hey! Time out!’ quoth Scoot, ‘Can we drop the Olde English shit for minute?’ ‘NO!’ spake a voice thundering from the heavens, ‘It is in the script!’ ‘…and if the tree falleth toward the north, or toward the south,’ Trampus didst continue, ‘in the place where the tree falleth, there it shall be.’ ‘But maketh it a sound?’ asked Scoot. ‘But what if it falleth toward the east or the west?’ Nori didst taunt, ‘What of it then?’ ‘…Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, in the grave, whither thou goest. A good name is better than precious ointment…’ ‘Aaaargh!’ cried Nori, ‘How the fuck do we turn him off?’ And so Scoot didst smack him upside the head with his staff. ‘Thanks,’ quoth Trampus, ‘for I needed that. I shall do something to prove my worthiness to the Gods of Hondo. Follow me.’ ‘Lead on, Trampus,’ quoth Scoot as they didst set forth. And they went forth to a shack by the road, where Trampus didst speak with a stranger. ‘What was that all about?’ Scoot asked as Trampus didst return from speaking with them. ‘I have convinced the Russelville Players to join us,’ quoth Trampus. ‘Who art the Russelville Players?’ asked Scoot. ‘I know not for sure, but I am told they art an elite, highly-trained team of Kamikaze window-jumpers. I figured they might come in handy in the future.’ ‘Of course,’ quoth Scoot. Though he didst suspect that the Russelville Players had merely humored him to get this blithering lunatic out of their company. ‘Alright, thou’rt in.’ And they didst set out to find the Technomage.