I always get so stressed out talking to people sometimes. I want to make a good impression or something I'm not even sure, I haven't even fully analyzed this part, this thing that I do. Whenever I have a conversation with someone that I kind of care about, or care what they think I freeze. My social anxiety completely kicks in, and I get so nervous and all I can do is smile too much and constantly ask questions to keep a conversation going. Most of the time I am generally curious about the questions, but I still can notice it within myself and feel awkward, almost because I'm trying too hard? But yet I know I'm trying hard because I want them to like me, it's so childish. and the bigger thing is taking all of this, putting it out and realizing that I do it so I can work on it. One of my challenges I face within myself. ahhh now it's just working with this energy pattern and finding a way to use it. I think really, it might just take some self assurance and self esteem.. which may sound easy but really isn't. Being a woman who actually has curves I'm really aware of how I look and present myself, which adds to all of this, these insecurities. I just have to face it that I am who I am, and I can't really change, and shouldn't change, for anyone. And some people will like me and some people won't like me. One of my biggest fears when I was a child was people not liking me, I guess it all comes back around... All of this mostly came from a conversation I had with someone today. I've had the same german t.a. (teachers assistant) for a few months now, and I've grown really fond of him, and I want to keep getting to know him. Nowww recently I found out that this guy, knows my brother and is friends with him too! Which I was super excited about. But then my brother told me about how he asks about me, and thinks that I do really well in his class and how he really likes me, but then told me he was gay. (I had a feeeeling he was but I was still generally interested, because he's such a nice guy!) Anyway, so the point haha is that today we chatted for a bit after class but I got so nervous that the second we kind of stopped talking/were interrupted by other classes being let out, I immediately was like "see yah!" which I shouldn't have done! Now regretting this, because I was looking forward to talking to him for the last week! I'm so curious about what he's taking and what he's doing...his dad even studies astrology like I do and we even talked about charts (WHICH is so rare, I don't know anyone else in my day to day life that is interested in in-depth astrology) sigh. I feel so stupid,... but this is just one example that happened- there are so many more!  I think I just have to keep going and not be afraid of what could happen, if it's awkward, it's awkward. and move on from it. Stop over thinking everything. everything, and how it would play out. ughhh this is my total weakness. I think I should also just start talking to people a little bit more, and be more willing to have longer conversations with people and instead of backing away - continuing.  anyway, haha this journal entry helped me! writing out my thoughts helps me, in a way that I can overlook what I'm feeling, and figure out some stuff. this damn social anxiety stuff. I've been thinking about going to see a therapist again, I don't really want to go on medication at all for it, but I was thinking of talking to someone (I feel like that could help) and maybe they could suggest ways to cope with social anxiety. I've been struggling a lot lately, more so the last year and a half (since my ex boyfriend and I broke up and I started university) I feel like I do too much inner reflection, not enough outer stimulation.  well I totally didn't even mean to make this such a long post! haha I swear I didn't. I only really wanted to talk about the german t.a. guy and maybe some astrology stuff!

on a side note my moms friend asked me to do a chart for her! WHICH IS TOTALLY CRAZY. here comes the 14 year old girl inside of me...OH MY GOD. When my mom asked me I was floored! I think that is so cool, that my dream job has actually become somewhat realistic. you know how major that is? Something that you dream about actually touching the ground, it's kind of crazy. It gives life to an idea, that you thought might never be possible. I think my mom believes that I could do it, but I don't know a lot of the time I feel like she doesn't quite get it. I always think about an example of a actor or something and my mom is the annoying manager of the actor that is only in it for the money and the fame and always trying to land acting jobs and whatnot, while the actor just wants to act.sigh. I don't know. I sometimes feel like there is too much pressure with this job, like if I don't tell them the things they want to hear then they'll be upset, and that they won't believe me which sucks because its kind of a likea build-up job, the longer you do it for the better you get, because the more experience you've had. When you first start it's completely starting new, even though you can do as much studying as you want. I guess that's with every job though. on another side note I looked into my next lunar return and I have pluto in the 3rd house, which I'm a little nervous/excited about. I've had this position before, just briefly, but I was sick most of the month I had it, and was constantly obsessing with the sickness (haha there's the pluto!) but pluto in the 3rd rules: deep penetrating minds, very intelligent people, obsession, **massage therapy, the hands can be high charged almost electric.//very intuitive with their hands so like usually stones/sensations, feeling it out. also can be a little defensive in arguments and can be extremely manipulative in mind, very good at persuasion, (but these factors depend on the other aspects made to pluto) so these would all be examples of kinds of people who were born with pluto in the third, while transiting pluto is a little bit different. it can bring up plutonian things, like tattoos/therapy, anything third house stuff: brothers/sisters/communication/neighbors/transportation/writing/reading/books/early education/the mind/ anything like that. with pluto, it carries an energy that you cannot try and control. can be a bully, manipulative, crazy(intense) transformational, change, to a point of such a strong force that is like trying to hold back a storm. magnetic/bull headed.. psychological deepness/issues.. pair those two together! haha I'm mostly worried about my car breaking down. (transportation/pluto)sigh. however I am planning on getting a tattoo next week! haha cool eh?

those of you who have been following hmmhmmyup... 

I have change my url to kindblumen! It's been over a year now and I think I should change it up a bit :) try something new. hopefully all you awesome will stay awesome.

love your fellow blogger