#tragic optimism

and i wake up sore and hurting

and i tell myself

i will enjoy smelling the flowers on the way to work today

and i do

i open my eyes and i breathe

and i feel the wind on my face

and i look into the sun

until it almost makes me feel dirty

until it makes me feel exposed

i do not belong out here

with these happy people

but i go into my job and i smile

i smile until my face starts to twitch

and i wonder if it looks unatural

i start to feel afraid

like i will be caught pretending to be happy

and the people will be angry at me

because i lied to them

but my face stays in place

or i think it does because no one ever says anything

and since no one ever says anything

i assume i pass

and i walk home and the flowers are sweet

the pollen aggravates my allergies

the world is beautiful

tourists flock to the cemetery

like the bodies there are on display

and the trees provide shade

by the big stone wall

and i get home and i look in the mirror

i smile

i smile and it looks natural

and my face starts to twitch

so i stretch the muscles

so that i can create more control over them

i notice one side of my face is more flexible

i’ve been smiling lopsided

im having trouble keeping the memory

of how i used to hold my eyes to make myself looks genuine

i try to feel that person

but i don’t remember

i don’t think i have a memeory

to bring forth

i drink myself to sleep and i say

that work won’t be so bad tomorrow

the weather will be good

and i can smell the flowers

Is to deny the very essence of myself

I am dreaming of no confrontations

I started to exercise three weeks ago and my trainer %100 hates me. The sad thing about this is I would hate me too If I was her.

Let me explain. I am clumsy as fuck, that is how I roll you see, by that I mean I live half of my life on the floor because I manage to fall even while walking on a straight road. I am also an airhead who has zero to none social skills with extreme anxiety and too much politeness. You can hit me, I would fall (naturally because I do that) then say that I'm sorry for the inconvenience I made you go through. Basically, I look and act like an idiot. 

Since I started my training, I fell from the treadmill twice, lost my balance and fell to the ground twice, asked numerous idiotic questions then felt self-conscious about acting like an idiot so refused to speak for hours, used training equipments wrongly but when confronted I tried to argue that my way is correct for my height (which is 156cm so I'm a real-life hobbit) then felt bad about trying patronize her and said I'm sorry numerous times. She already had enough reasons to hate me which is fair, I feel for her but today was the last straw for her.

So being the genius I am, I trained really hard today. I was determined to not bother her and did my best. But I got tired towards the end and she saw me fooling around the equipments again and warned me again. I felt really bad about it cause I had great moments today but she saw the idiotic one again. But whatever I was planning to say sorry after having my shower. Before the shower, I went into the steam room cause I love cleansing my pores and losing weight while sitting. But steam room felt too intense today so I couldn’t stay long, I left the room and said to myself since I couldn’t really use steam room today I can take a warm shower because I am an idiot like that. (Warning: After the steam room, you need to have a cold shower, don’t be an idiot like me) 

While I was in the shower I heard a woman screaming ‘’Help!’’ I freaked out, went into the shower next to mine in which I found a woman, there was a glass shard on her foot and she was bleeding badly. So I naturally ran to get help, my trainer saw me and came for help. While she was helping this poor woman, my head started to feel heavy and intense dizziness came. I tried to hold on because this woman needed help more than me but after a point, I realized that I’m about to faint, so I said my trainer that I feel dizzy, she couldn't hear me at first but then she heard me and saw how I could not stand still. You should have seen her face, it really screamed ‘Oh God, not again, not now, you imbecile’ Then as expected blackout came and I fainted.

There were a few major factors for my fainting, I was already tired from my training, used the steam room which can be bad for insulin and blood pressure which are problematic in my body, having a warm shower on top of that, seeing way too much blood, panicking and running for help.

Back to the story, so I regain my conscious within two minutes, I woke up to my trainer screaming to my face asking if I have a health condition I did not tell her about. I said no like you know a liar, I actually have Chiari Malformation which means my body cannot balance itself like a normal person and I suffer from extreme headaches, I never told her about this issue cause a) I don’t want to be defined by my illness b)I don’t want it to come in way of my training c)People usually think I am making excuses for having zero body balance d)I know I did not faint because of that.

I said sorry to her and the wounded lady numerous times again. My trainer asked me if this fainting business related to my usual clumsiness and because I have too many black spots on my body because of the constant falling she asked about those too. I said that I am just a clumsy person filled with bad luck. She didn’t seem to believe me so instead, I said that it happened because of the steam room which was not a lie. She finally accepted my answer and went back to work.

At that point, everyone was leaving the gym one by one. My trainer must have thought I left too. By chance, I heard her and her coworkers gossiping about me. I heard my trainer saying ‘That idiot had a warm shower after the steam room.’

I was shocked, hurt and angry but on another level, I was like LMAO SIS IS RIGHT. Then she realized I was there, looked kind of shocked and embarrassed and said nothing to me, I said nothing about the issue either. I walked to the door and opened it, without turning back I said ‘may the work be easy for you’ (A Turkish idiom, means that wishing someone's work will be easy for them to handle and will be without challenges) She kind of screamed a quick ‘Thank you!.’ I closed the door and started to run.

At first, I cried for a while, thinking about quitting this whole exercise plan, then I felt angry, after all, I already paid for this, I have no reason to be ashamed, she should be the one who feels ashamed, then I calmed down a bit and realized she had her reasons for saying that. Then it became funny because I was actually making this poor girl’s work days a living hell without meaning to do so.

So I decided well fuck my life, I will continue my training but I need to speak with this girl. I need to make her not hate me cause knowing me I will keep on falling and doing stupid things again and I would prefer someone who does not have any negative feeling towards me to help me when I am unconscious. 

I will not file a complaint because I don’t want her to lose her job and I will say this to her too.

Viktor Emil Frankl M.D., PhD. (1905 – 1997) was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist as well as a Holocaust survivor. Frankl was the founder of logotherapy, a form of Existential Analysis, and the best-selling author of Man’s Search for Meaning, which has sold over 12 million copies. According to a survey conducted by the Library of Congress and the Book-of-the-Month Club, it is one of “the ten most influential books in America.” (I have taught out of the book in many universities classes, and it is one of my favorite books. I have summarized it here.) The postscript to the book, “Tragic Optimism,” was added in 1984 and is based on a lecture Frankl presented…