#traffic garbage

I'm beginning to think that nothing I do can truly help me. I hung out with friends today, laughed a lot, had a fun time. Yet I'm home and I feel so depressed and sad. All the activities I do, once it passes a certain time and I grow bored or tired, I end up getting pain from it.

I wanna do good in the world, but I want to do good in isolation. I don't want to deal with anything else. I just want to do my work and be super focused on my work. I don't want to talk to colleagues. I don't want to stress out about KPI, I just want to do my work in peace. And work on it however I want. I want to do plenty of computer research! I want to be a quiet person who doesn't attend many meetings, but shows up with a lot of work done. I want to help other people, but I don't want to deal with the paperwork that is needed in order to prove that helping others is a good thing to spend the company's money on. Is there even a future with wildlife and conservation? The government is all about hiring contract workers these days. I could go into psychology but their pay is really low compared to what I envision my future to be like: filled with the many plants and animals I keep. I want to make the psychology industry better, I want to give therapists and psychologists and nurses better pay. But how can I do that?

Im scared ? My mom keeps saying that I should be going off my meds because it has been like a year. But I feel like it helps me. Makes me feel happier. I'm scared to not be taking meds.

I'm going on a holiday now and I feel just sad??? I feel like I always feel this way about holidays with my family. Except that I'm supposed to be no longer depressed. I somehow worry that this is seasonal depression even though we don't even have seasons here

Just got scolded for 1. Forgetting to eat some medication that I don't particularly want to take and that it's super important (I'm just doing it because my mom wants me to) and 2. Forgetting that my mom asked me to bring a spoon out for her but then I was out already and she scolded me by saying that she bought me gifts. I feel so wronged? I know that its important to you, I just forgot I don't need a whole nagging session that makes me feel so guilty. I know you asked but I forgot and now it's not simply a convenience for me to take something for you, I am being asked to go out of the way to help you. I feel like puking and I have no appetite because of this. I have decided to just never say no to her. I don't want to get scolded again I am sorry.

I'm not doing too well can somebody please help me. I can't go to her I don't want to repeat the same mistakes and use her too much and burn her out. I don't want to say this in the telegram channel I feel like I vented too much and I want them to see me as good. I don't dare to tell my therapist where they will ban me from self harming but at this point i'm losing my self control.

I feel like I said the wrong thing to my friend. I didn't mean the second part as a joke, the first one yes, and perhaps if was the wrong thing to say. I'm so sorry