#toxic study

i didnt get enough sleep, but it doesnt matter. my future employer wont be interested in how many hours ive slept.

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i don't think i've ever read a story told through the eyes of a more relatable female main character. this review contains spoilers AKA my fav lines / lines that i FELT deep in my soul

“One day, ten years from now, I’ll be at a party and everyone will be chatting and someone will casually bring up their classes at Harvard and someone else will gush over how smart they are, and in that moment I’ll feel so insignificant I’ll want to vanish.” [Ch. 11, Pg. 81]

“all I can think is: that’s it? This, right now, is the culmination of all those sleepless nights, every test I cried over, every extra hour I spent studying when I could have been driving down to the coast, eating dinner with my family, going to the mall with my friends, visiting the cherry orchards or swimming in the lake in the high heat of summer. This is as good as life will ever be? (...) Then there’s Harvard itself—all I could think about was doing the work and getting in, but it’s hitting me now that I’ll have to keep working once classes begin. I’ll have to prove myself all over again to new classmates and new professors. I just feel so exhausted at the idea, like I’ve been running as fast as I can toward a mountain in the horizon, and it always looks within reach, but I’ll never actually get there. Everything exhausts me these days.” [Ch. 8, Pg. 63,64]

i personally did not achieve anything of that level but FELT?!?!?!

“Because Jessica must have learned at some point that at the first sign of anything less than perfect, her mother would react like this.” [Ch. 8, Pg. 58]

this line broke my heart. mostly bc i know how it hurts to be made to feel like anything less than perfect is not worthy of support or praise.

“They’re so good they’re an afterthought. They’re so good they might as well not exist, except to be used as evidence that success is possible, that the system is perfectly sound, that anyone who struggles can only blame themselves.” [Ch. 17 Pg. 114]

i've never been considered a model student myself (too disruptive, apparently), but this line still broke my heart.

last but not least

“But I . . . I can’t make myself do it. I can’t . . . I can’t change the wish—” “Why not?” “I just can’t.” “That’s not an excuse!” My heart is in freefall. “I don’t need to explain myself.” “I deserve an explanation,” he says fiercely. “Just tell me why. Please. It’s driving me mad—” “Aaron, drop it.” “You can’t just avoid the subject forever. Why—” “Because I hate myself too much.” [Ch. 15 Pg. 102]

it really does hurt to compare yourself to every single person you see because every one of these people seem to have it better than you and you just can't help but tear yourself down internally and hate every piece of you but if anyone praises you or claims that you're doing well or are "smart" or says that they envy you, you simply cannot trust their words because there is NO WAY...

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anyways pic of my 6h solo reading date: