#toughconversation

Chemistry Study Partner 

Earlier this week one of my friends was over studying for an Organic Chemistry quiz later in the week. It was the first time he had met my dog. At some point in the conversation her age (9) came up. His response was: “but small dogs live a long time”. Before I could stop myself out came “but she is in heart failure so she won’t live a long time”. 

I didn’t even have time to process before his response was “does that make you sad?” I remember saying something about “of course, she’s my baby”. I don’t remember exactly. What I do remember thinking is: “why did you say that? Why did you feel the need to share?” 

I still don’t know exactly why I tell people her heart is failing. Sometimes I think I want to hear someone say “but she looks healthy” (because in a weird way that makes me feel better. Sometimes I think it makes it more real (i.e. if I tell someone then this isn’t just a dream). And sometimes it’s just my way of trying to walk about it. It’s my way of starting a conversation about what’s going on, because I need that outlet. 

I have yet to figure out any sort of tactful way to talk about her heart failure without feeling weird about it later, questioning how I conveyed things. Who knows, maybe I never will. But you what? I’m realizing it doesn’t really matter. I love my dog and will do everything I can to give her the best life for however long that it is. Treasuring these moments is all that really matters.