#tosoth

I sit at my PC and open up Ao3, to which I stream my pages to them on Discord while asking for insight and bring up what the story makes me think of. They read with me and ask me how it's going so far. I'm enjoying it but I become very suspicious over them telling me that: "It's really sad Devil."

So I try to stay guarded.

However I have ADHD so trying to protect myself won't work. Instead my attempt to protect myself led me to over analyze and assume; and that leads to 20 minute long rants over why I would in fact: Strip ass naked and get into the bubble bath with Gamzee Makara. He moved his legs out of the way. How dare Sollux refuse.

I go back to over analyzing. Eventually we end for the night and continue over the past three days.

I learned to love the EriSol ship and it's dynamic.

Past me is rolling in their grave, screaming about why Eridan and Sollux will never be together and why EriKar is a much better ship. I learned that I was wrong. I also learned this fanfiction is pretty old for Ao3 standards and is very popular in the Homestuck fandom. As I reached the final two chapters, my mouse had died (it's wireless) and I loaded it onto the dock before scrolling through the last chapters.

As I bled through the chapter labled December 17th, 2010, I grew even more concerned as my friends had muted, telling me to just keep reading and they were still there.

What is happening?

What is happening? Why did they deafen? Towards the end, I had started to ooh and awe towards the ending of the fic as the two began to romantically enjoy each others company.

I had pieced things together.

In this fic, I felt similar to Sollux dealing with loss in different ways and how I had become a social recluse. The only sense of existence for him was Minecraft as I found myself drowning in Rhythm games in the darkness of my bedroom.

Eridan saved him from the mourning and grief he carried. Sollux was taught that it was okay to move on. Something similar happened to me when my ex-girlfriend was just a close friend at the time and I had fallen into a spiral. And she told me it was okay to move on with a bit of help.

I was Sollux in the beginning of this story.

And I am Sollux re-living December 18th, 2010.

Reading this with unintentional prompt was almost a subconscious reminder from my friends who had gifted me the link to this fic that it's okay to move on. It's okay to mourn and experience loss. It's okay to be happy and heal in the epilogue. My loss is much different than what Sollux Captor has felt. But it's just as painful. My sense of closure has yet to rear it's head as I think and reflect on how I can also change. How I can move on from the things that hurt me.

I want to change and get better. It was the fic authors intention to tell a tale with their favorite ship about sudden loss and how to recover from it and how to heal. I applaud them for it. The fic was fantastic. Honestly. And I haven't read Homestuck fics in ages.

But I'm glad I read it at this point in my life. I needed to with everything happening as of late.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I am off to kill my friends and soon to be official mods on Discord while finishing my Kinktober post for the day. In the meantime, if you like Homestuck of course: The link to the fanfiction is here!

I do honestly recommend it. Even if you don't like Homestuck and if you struggle dealing with sudden loss or even trouble with acceptance. I really enjoyed it. And I appreciate my friends for rescuing me from myself when I needed it. Even if they didn't know it.

With that being said,

@aleemie and @venomousdisperse . Don't recommend me shit else if it's going to be angsty. I demand a 10 page fic worth of 9k words about why Sollux Captor is hot. Failure to comply shall terminate our nightly chats and watching cartoons.