#topic: lily

𝙸. 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎

birth

Lily was born in Zone 13 on August 3rd, to her mother Lilian Helterson and her father David Helterson. the circumstances of Lily's birth were very...abnormal. after finding out his wife cheated on him with an Eleven, David took extreme measures to make sure she wouldn't run off with their baby to her lover in Zone 11. but Lilian managed to escape captivity, gave birth all alone, and bled to death before there could be any medical intervention. Lily was also a premature birth, leading to health complications. she required extra attention and care that David was in no state to give while grieving for his dead wife. her main caregiver was a former Six named Charlotte who had moved to Zone 13 to be a death worker. the reason behind Lilian's death led Thirteens to fear that her spirit would be vengeful and curse anyone who tried to help her baby, a belief that wasn't helped by the fact that Lilian's affair severely damaged her reputation. Charlotte was the only one willing to love and raise Lily as her own, even though it meant she could no longer be a death worker. after taking care of Lily for five years, Charlotte asked David if he would let her officially adopt his daughter, thinking that he wanted nothing to do with her. this ended up being a...grave mistake. it seemed as if the fear of every Thirteen was confirmed when Charlotte suddenly got sick and died shortly after. there were discussions about sending Lily to another zone, but David decided that the best way to appease Lilian's spirit was to take care of their daughter, and so he finally became involved in her upbringing. this wasn't necessarily a good thing.

childhood

without Charlotte in her life, Lily was at the mercy of her father's temper and her community's judgment. for the next four years, she bore the brunt of David's anger, which would often get physical if he was drinking. the emotional abuse and neglect were constant. David would blame her for Lilian's death, for his unhappiness, for pretty much anything. Lily quickly learned that expressing her needs was not allowed, but that trying to take care of them herself would also get her punished. as a result, she frequently went hungry and without enough sleep, causing her to become sick often. due to religious superstition, Lily was ostracized and had no friends growing up. other children would only be nice to her out of pity and were sure to keep their distance, as instructed by their parents. it didn't help that David was fiercely possessive of her (despite often telling Lily she was a burden) and would lash out at any adult who tried to show her kindness and affection. for these reasons, Lily devoted herself to her home religion, Mabu-Suba, and used it to help her cope. she believed that the way her father and community treated her was Suba punishing her for Lilian's death, and that the only way to atone would be doing something to change the world for the better. at age six, she took the Test and discovered she was a Programmer, or what Thirteens call a Weaver. there are only a few Weavers in Zone 13 and none of them wanted to take Lily on as an apprentice, so she taught herself. in just one year, she had mastered all the basics that normally took about three years to learn and was Weaving at a very advanced level for her age. at age nine, Lily entered puberty, and her relationship with David changed. now that she was starting to look more like Lilian, the physical abuse became less frequent before stopping entirely. and with her budding reputation as a child prodigy, David would focus less on her faults (in his mind) and more on her skills. to Lily, this meant that Suba was no longer punishing her because she was making Lilian's sacrifice worth it.

teen years

by age ten, Lily had made a name for herself and earned a place in the community as Zone 13's best Weaver. she also had her First Bleed*, so she entered her First Marriage with David, who had become much softer and affectionate with her at this point. *when Lily was four, she needed surgery to have internal testes removed after they caused a hernia. that's when David found out she has no ovaries or fallopian tubes. since this is something that would be heavily stigmatized in Zone 13, he keeps it secret from his community and his daughter. her 'First Bleed' was actually David spotting her bed roll with blood to make it look like she got her period. finally being loved by her father is what drives Lily to be so productive and make herself useful at all times, out of fear that he'll stop loving her if she isn't. though she still doesn't have any friends, other Thirteens are much friendlier with her and seek her out for her Weaving, something that Lily takes great pleasure in. she believes that even if she's only wanted for what she can do, it's better than not being wanted at all.

adulthood

Lily is eighteen at the start of Season 0, but she hasn't changed much since childhood. though her skills as a Weaver make her appear mature and experienced, she lacks the emotional maturity needed to handle conflict, and she has very poor self-regulation. instead of getting his daughter help for these issues, David simply intervenes on her behalf and threatens punishment if she gets too difficult for his liking. Lily is quiet, hesitant to interact with others and put herself in new, unfamiliar situations. she pretty much only talks to David. she's convinced herself, and everyone around her, that she prefers Weaving over people. she also cares greatly about conforming to cultural norms, even though she knows that she'll never truly fit in with her people. but the idea of moving somewhere else is forbidden in Zone 13 and Lily couldn't even imagine a life without her father-husband.

𝙸𝙸. 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙𝚜

family

unlike most Thirteens, Lily is an only child to a single parent. she has no other family and barely remembers Charlotte. all that Lily knows about her extended family is that David's parents are dead and his older sister, Kalstio Helterson, was killed by angry Rebels. Kalstio is a...controversial figure, at best. Lily knows that Elevens blame her for the Massacre, but Lily thinks that's just because they want to blame someone other than the Rebels responsible for the heinous crime. all she knows about her would-be aunt are the stories that David tells her, mostly when drunk. Lily would have liked to meet her aunt. and her mother. and she would have liked to spend more time with Charlotte. when she thinks about all the women in her family that are gone, she wonders if Suba only gave her David for a reason. then she remembers what David always says. he's the only one capable of truly loving her.

friends

the closest thing Lily has to a friend is Aarav Bashimir, who has often shown Lily kindness when everyone else was too scared to. though they don't spend much time together, they do chat and care for each other's wellbeing. it's why Lily is so adamant about finding Aarav when he goes missing, even defying David's wishes in the process. Aarav was the first person to reframe Lily's misfortune as a blessing instead of a punishment. he told her that he doesn't think Suba would do that to a child who just lost her mother. he thinks it was all a test for Her other followers, to see how they would treat Lily during her time of need and to show Lily who the people she can actually trust are. Lily isn't sure if she fully agrees, but she does know one thing; she trusts Aarav, almost as much as she trusts her father-husband.

community

Lily's relationship with her community is very surface level. these days, people greet her kindly and treat her with respect, but it never goes beyond the usual niceties. she's still viewed as the odd one out, it's just that nobody says it to her face. but she can tell. Lily feels the closest with her community during festivals and celebrations, times where she can fade into the background and be just another face in the crowd.

marriage

though it's very uncommon now for a Thirteen's First Marriage to be their Final Marriage, pretty much everyone in Zone 13 knows that Lily isn't going to find anyone other than David. David, of course, prefers this. Lily has convinced herself that it's for the best, since nobody else likes her or can handle her like David can. and Aarav already has his Final Wife. it makes for a good tactic in the Marketplace, at least. when outsiders find out she's still married to her father at her age, they tend to view David as over-controlling and are more likely to do trade if it means his poor daughter-wife can avoid punishment.

𝙸𝙸𝙸. 𝚊𝚏𝚏𝚕𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜

physical

Lily was born with a limb difference. her left arm is a stub that cuts off just above where her elbow would be. this has given her some challenges that she's either learned to adapt to (like holding things in her mouth and between her feet) or needs David's help with (like securing her hair covering). Lily also suffers from cluster headaches, which tend to happen more if she's stressed out. these can impact her mood and sometimes require her to lay down if the pain is severe.

emotional

Lily doesn't know how to regulate her emotions well, especially her anger. she knows not to lash out at David, but other people don't have that immunity, and an angry Lily can be very difficult to deal with. she will often accuse the other person of things they didn't do, or certainly didn't mean to do, and blame them for everything that's currently upsetting her. sound familiar? Lily experiences some degree of alexithymia, often making her incapable of acknowledging and describing her emotions. if you ask her why she's crying, she won't know the answer. if she feels scared, she doesn't know what that feeling is or where it came from, so asking questions like "did that scare you?" are unproductive. the best Lily can do in terms of labelling her emotions is whether something feels good or bad. happiness, safety, comfort, and amusement are all things that make her feel good. sadness, anger, fear, and confusion are all things that make her feel bad. that's why a better version of the previous question would be "did that make you feel bad?" and if Lily is crying, a good question to ask isn't why she's crying, but if she remembers what she was thinking about when she started crying. if she does, that usually answers why.

psychological

Lily has autism, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). none of them are diagnosed and they all pose challenges in Lily's life. Lily's autism mainly presents itself in three ways: sensory issues, social ineptness, and hyperfixations. she has many sensory issues when it comes to food and can only eat certain things as a result. this not only impacts her nutrition and calorie intake, but can cause conflict in social situations where rejecting food is taken as an insult or viewed as an immature thing to do. Lily often doesn't pick up on social cues or understand what is considered inappropriate. she's very blunt in speaking her mind and tends to come off as insensitive. it's not that she doesn't care, she just doesn't see how her words might upset someone. Lily's hyperfixations can impact her health if she doesn't take breaks to eat, sleep, and stretch. this happens often while she's Weaving, which is why David will enforce regular breaks. BPD plays a significant role in Lily's life and greatly interferes with her ability to maintain healthy relationships. for example, David is her favorite person (FP) and can do no wrong in her eyes, even though he's done her the most wrong. she refuses to listen to any criticism of him and won't trust anyone who would dare to criticize her father-husband...with a few exceptions. it's important to note that when Lily is taken away from her abusive home, she needs someone to depend on, and so anyone she grows attached to can fill David's role. this is how Derek* becomes her new FP. *Rosa becomes her best friend, but Lily's FP needs to be more aligned with David; a strong, masculine authority figure that Lily feels safe with and wants to please. and of course, C-PTSD goes hand-in-hand with Lily's BPD, which develops as a result of childhood trauma. while this condition presents itself in many ways (including Lily's emotional reactivity), two of the most obvious things are Lily's claustrophobia and her fear response to upsetting people. if she's afraid of being punished, she will flashback to her childhood and start apologizing while begging not to be 'put down there'. this is referring to the hole in the ground that David would stick her in for long periods at a time, with no space to move around and no way to escape the heat.

𝙸𝚅. 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚍

identity

Lily has never been able to have an identity of her own. some of her first memories are of other Thirteens shunning her and her own father wishing that she would have died instead of Lilian. how can you become your own person when everyone treats you like a bitter reminder of the past? over time, Lily has crafted an identity solely revolving around one thing: her skills as a Weaver. she prides herself on being the best Weaver in her homeland and that's all she really sees herself as, aside from being David's daughter-wife. that, too, is an important part of her identity that she takes comfort in, knowing that she'll never be alone with David there.

dreams

Lily has two kinds of dreams: those that are acceptable and those that are not. her acceptable dreams are to improve the lives of Thirteens with her Weaving and to give David many kids, as every woman in Zone 13 dreams of doing. even though Lily...might not want it as much. sometimes she isn't sure if she wants it at all. what if she passes on her curse to their children? or what if she doesn't survive and they have to endure David's anger like she did? but she tries not to think like that. Lily's unacceptable dream, and one that she refuses to entertain, is to leave Zone 13 and travel all over Zona to discover new esalinks, new lasoborn, and knowledge that just doesn't come by Zone 13. she knows that traders and port crews do get to leave and come back, but she could never go into either profession. port crews do not take on Programmers and David says she doesn't have the negotiation skills for trading.

fears

Lily's biggest fear is of being useless. if something happened and she lost the ability to Weave, or wasn't able to Weave as well...she doesn't think her life would be worth anything then. as said before, she's claustrophobic. being alone in a small, enclosed space makes her panic, though she can usually keep herself calm if there's someone to talk to. and if she's not alone in the room, she'll get antsy, but won't have a full-blown panic attack. Lily is also afraid of public speaking and dolls. luckily, she doesn't need to do any public speaking as a Weaver, but just talking in front of a group of people makes her nervous. and her fear of dolls comes from a really awful nightmare she had, in which she was a doll and couldn't move or speak as everyone roughly played with her, until she was too damaged for anyone to want her.

interests

Weaving is, of course, at the top of Lily's interests. but she's interested in any form of Programming, not just Weaving. thanks to the Marketplace, she's met Programmers from different zones and has had the opportunity to see some of their coding techniques. her favorite so far is Inscription, commonly used in Zone 7 and Zone 8. Thirteens aren't taught much writing, so watching a Programmer write on the synctate is fascinating to her. Lily is also very interested in synforms, lifeforms created by the presence of synctate in an environment. these are esalinks, which are like the plants and fungi of MECHFIA, and lasoborn, which are like the animals and insects. Zone 13 only has livazu and isudo, and said isudo are not safe to observe up close. she's heard Fives talk about the variety of synforms in their zone and wishes she could go study them in person.

𝚅. 𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚏𝚜

religious

like every Thirteen, Lily is a follower of Mabu-Suba (Divine Pain), which is a branch of Mabu-Mitu (Divine Breath). her beliefs do not deviate from other Subians in Zone 13 and she clings onto them tightly, hoping to prove that her curse doesn't prevent her from being a faithful follower just like everyone else. when it comes to different religious beliefs, Lily doesn't necessarily respect them, but she won't argue or try to convert others. she was raised to believe that anyone who isn't a Subian is just ignorant and can choose to convert if they want to. it's not up to Subians to try and spread their religion. a particular strong belief of Lily's is about the spirits. as someone who is 'cursed', she is very fearful of making the spirits unhappy and will often cleanse if she feels like they are tainting her energy. even though this is a common practice in Mabu-Suba, it is often a source of anxiety for Lily.

cultural

Lily isn't as involved in her culture it as most Thirteens are. which makes sense, considering they don't want her to be involved and have always treated her like an outcast. for Lily, Thirteen culture is more like a set of rules that she has to consciously abide by, not something that comes very naturally to her. cultural beliefs in Zone 13 are passed down orally, often through communal storytelling. because Lily lacked this community, she learned most of these beliefs through David and Charlotte. it's thanks to Charlotte that Lily grew up with a little bit of Six influence, which is why her views on death are a bit different. Thirteens view death as something to be both mourned and celebrated, but Sixes only mourn their dead. those beliefs imprinted on Lily when she was little and now she doesn't feel comfortable during The Thirteen Days of Celebration whenever someone dies. Lily's views on outsiders, however, definitely align with her culture. she has been taught to fear and distrust them, to assume that every non-Thirteen is a threat to her home and culture. this is especially true for Elevens, which Thirteens hate with a passion.

philosophical

Lily is hardly a philosophical person, and the subject gives her a headache. she prefers sticking to objective facts, or at least what was taught to her as fact, and most of her musings revolve around the idealized future she's created in her mind. including the things she wants to do and knows she can't. Thirteens are taught to focus on the present and not ask questions about the Old World. again, this is where Lily has a bit of Six in her, because she does wonder about the Old World. she's learned not to voice these things out loud, but she still thinks about it and how it got to be such a terrible place. of course, Lily has a bit more time and energy to think about these things than other Thirteens because she isn't hard at work all day.

personal

Lily has three personal beliefs that are at the core of who she is. first, she believes that Lilian's life was sacrificed for her own because she is meant to do good things for people. second, she believes that every Thirteen is good at heart and deserves to be happy and healthy. if they do something bad, it's just because they were influenced by unhappy spirits, and they always have the chance to make up for it. this also applies to herself...except she only deserves happiness if she makes other happy. that's how she makes up for Lilian's death and the burden she's been on everyone, especially David. third, she believes that anyone who isn't a Thirteen is not a good person. they don't know how to deal with the spirits like a Thirteen does, so they are deeply influenced by them...but they can still do good things. except for Elevens; if they do something good, they must have an agenda.

𝚅𝙸. 𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚎

morning

Lily is not a morning person. due to her insomnia, she typically doesn't stay asleep until early morning hours, so David has to wake her up when the day starts. while he makes breakfast, she cleanses her body, which means dipping a scrubber in soap and getting every area she can reach. a morning cleanse usually doesn't involve your back; that's what the evening cleanse is for, after a long day of work. once cleansed, she puts on her fojuzu, an outfit that Thirteens wear specifically for meals. she then sets the table for her and David to eat in silence, as Thirteens believe conversation should happen after the meal. if they have enough time to go to the cold house, they will, but otherwise they will just spend some time in their tent, usually having sex. when David says it's time to go, she accompanies him to the livazu farm and checks on them while David makes conversation with the workers. she does with her own syncwear that allows her to tell how fast each livazu is growing and when they will be ready to pick.

afternoon

when the first drum sounds, Lily goes with David to set up their stall in the Marketplace and get their wares arranged. the second drum signals the Marketplace opening. during this time, Lily sits next to her father-husband and is responsible for checking tickets given to him by traders, to make sure they aren't counterfeit. she does the same for any other Thirteen who brings her a ticket to check. at midmeal, the vendors eat together in the food tent, where Reds (children in their First Marriage) practice preparing and serving meals for their spouses. as the oldest Red there (and the only adult Red in Zone 13), Lily supervises and assists the kids. once the adults have been served, their child spouses join them for the meal, and Lily joins David at the head of the table. after eating is a quick afternoon cleanse. this is Lily's favorite cleanse because the Society sets up a water carrier outside the food tent and hoses people down once they strip. it's the only time of the day that Thirteens are allowed to bathe with water and not just drink it. business resumes after midmeal, but things start to slow down as the sun goes down. light sources are incredibly difficult to come by and outside traders don't want to take a porter in the dark unless it has sufficient lighting. the Marketplace only remains open in the evenings because that's when Fives and Eights tend to show up. as things slow down, David allows Lily to Weave at their stall, which happens to attract more attention as well. a good way to squeeze in some more trade deals before the afternoon crowd leaves. the only exception to this routine is on Lastday of each week, when the Marketplace is closed for Thirteens to line up at the resource center and get what they need for the following week.

evening

though most Thirteen traders and vendors spend all day in the Marketplace, David has the luxury of leaving early. Lily helps him pack up the stall before the sun sets and then they head home for lastmeal, which is a similar routine to breakfast. if the weather allows it, David will often host a party where Thirteens can unwind (even if they're partying outside the tent), and he can discuss private matters with the elders without the Society patrols overhearing. this is when Lily has free time to Weave and work on her syncwear, with little interruption. unless David wants her to 'attend' to him...then she might not get much done.

night

once the party ends and everyone has gone home, Lily is usually exhausted from Weaving (or attending her father-husband) and ready for bed, even if she'll struggle to sleep. she always prays to Suba first and gives a few drops of her blood as an offering. and if she's really worried about nightmares, she'll drink some of David's special demi guba.