#tomxactor

I was curled up under a blanket on the couch watching a random television series on Netflix when I heard the front door open. The crisp cold breeze of autumn greeted me, tickling my cheeks, reminding me that summer’s warmth had gone quietly without notice as months blurred together. It was already November, I thought with a hint of sadness as I watched my husband shrug his heavy dark navy coat off and drape it over a chair. 

I smiled warmly, greeting him with a soft kiss when he leaned down to where I sat. His arms enveloped me, squeezing me tightly. I could still smell the faint hint of his earthy and spice cologne on his warm skin. The scent comforted me just like how my embrace comforted him. A deep sigh escaped his lips as he sunk down onto the seat. He looked more tired than ever. The dark circles under his eyes showed his late nights at work and his pale complexion reflected his exhausted state. 

“Come here.” I comforted, pulling his heavy body into my arms as I lied down on the couch, letting his head rest on my chest. Patting him on the back, I kissed him on his messy bed of hair, hushing him. “It’s been a long day, hasn’t it?” 

He mumbled an answer that I couldn’t quite catch. His long arms held me tightly as his eyes fluttered shut, the quietness of the night lulling him to sleep. 

I loved mornings like these.

Mornings where the sun seeped through the fabrics of the curtains, the sound of birds quietly singing their song in the far distance, and the smell of sleep in the air. I rolled over to my side to see him sleep in the morning light. His hair all messy, sticking in all different directions from sleep.  His eyelashes so long and blond, when he had his eyes closed. His heavy breath gently dusting my cheek.

I couldn’t help but curl up closer to his warmth…his safety…his love. Like an automatic reflex, Tom slung his arm around me and drew me right against his chest so that my head nested in the crook between his head and his shoulder. I kissed him softly on his neck, inhaling the crisp pine scent of his shower wash he used last night.

“Why are you up so early?” Tom grumbled. A few seconds later, he continued with a light snore.

“I wanted a few seconds before things got…hectic.” I admitted, shutting my eyes rightly, enjoying the feel of his chest rise and fall from breathing against my body.

“Mmmm.” He agreed, going back to sleep again.

“Happy birthday, love.” I inched my head upwards so I could reach his lips. Pressing a light kiss on his lips, I felt his mouth spread into a small grin before he kissed me back.

“Thank you.” Tom hugged me tighter.

The door ripped open just at that moment followed by a screech, an incoherent yell, and the body of an energetic four-year old catapulting on top of us.

“Oof!” Tom exasperated, quickly catching our son, Charlie, in his arms. He sat up in bed, letting his back rest on the backboard while Charlie straddled him. “Hello, champ. How are you this morning?”

“I heard from mama it was your burfday.” Charlie giggled, swung his arms around his father’s neck, and gave him a tight squeeze. “Happy burfday daddy!”

Tom roared with laughter, rolling Charlie back onto the bed. He gave wet smooches against the boy’s cheeks that left him giggling so loudly that I joined in. “Thank you, sport!”

“Daddy, mama said she made you a cake. Can we have cake for breakfast?” Charlie asked once his father stopped tickling and giving him kisses.

Tom looked up at me, a smirk on his face. Damn, my secret was out. “Mama made me a cake?” He seemed to be asking me rather than Charlie.

“I did.” I smiled shyly.

“Thank you.” Tom leaned in over Charlie to kiss me so sweetly on the lips. “You didn’t have to.”

“It’s your birthday, of course I had too.”

He leaned forward and whispered lovingly into my ear. “I don’t need anything else in this world if I have you and Charlie.”

“Tom, get the kids to bed.” I stood with my hands on my hips and looked down at my husband with our two children, Charlie and Fliss, on the floor with toys all around them.

“We’re just playing.” Tom pouted, taking a sip of Fliss’s make believe tea from her plastic tea party cup set I got her for her birthday two years ago.

Fliss giggles and claps her hands happily that her father seems to like her special tea. At only age three, Fliss thinks everything daddy does was funny while I thought it was cute at times but mostly, counterproductive to my plans for the evening.

“But I want to play mummy.” Charlie cried, racing his toy car around the circular carpet on the floor. He was growing into such a big boy now. His wild curly blond locks resembled of Tom’s when he was younger and he was already the tallest of his whole grade in school. I bent down, kissed him on the crown of his head, and silently wished that he could stay my little happy five year old.

“Tomorrow, Charlie. You can play tomorrow.” I replied sternly. Charlie frowned but he dropped his toy and climbed into bed.

“Mommy is no fun.” Tom declared, picking Fliss up in his arms and carrying her to her bed on the opposite side of the room. “But we’ll have more fun tomorrow morning, darling. I promise. We’ll have tea with the Queen and the princess.” He tucked our daughter in, kissing her on both cheeks, and said goodnight.

“Promise?” Fliss looked up at her daddy with so much hope and admiration glistening in her wide blue eyes.

“Promise.” Tom reassured her with a small smile. Following me out the door, he turned off the lights and closed it behind him.

“Mommy is no fun.” I repeated, folding my arms underneath my breasts. It was a little after nine and I have already taken my hot bath. Wearing my fluffy pink robe, I narrowed my eyes at my husband.

“Well, you’re not.” Tom said honestly, roaring with laughter when I playfully shoved him.

“You’re wrong, Tom.” My hands fell down to the knot that held my robe together. His eyes followed the path down, his Adam’s apple rising and falling from several gulps. “Mommy is a lot of fun.” I said just as I released the knot, pulled apart the robe, and let it drop by feet, revealing my naked body.

“I was so wrong.” Tom shook his head, grabbed my arm, and pulled me right up against his chest. His mouth came crashing down on mine, kissing with white hot passion that left my nipples hard and the place between my legs, damp and wet for him.

“Mommy, why are you naked?” Our daughter’s voice stopped us from kissing immediately. Using his body to shield my nakedness while I scrambled for my robe, Tom turned around and smiled at our daughter.

“Fliss, honey. Let’s go to bed. I’ll read you a story.” He ushered her back in, giving me a quick thumbs up.

“Not a long one.” I piped in hopefully.

Gently grazing the spines of each hardcover book with the tip of my finger, I walked through the aisles of bookshelves that lined up against the wall and on the old carpeted floor. I had been working at my local bookstore for the past two weeks and already I was bored out of my mind. I thought working near books would make me inexplicably happy since I adored reading so much but dealing with the few moody customers that do come in or mostly just loud screaming children running recklessly through the store, it had the effect of me feeling like I was trapped in a personal hell.

I was so engrossed in my trance that I didn’t realize I almost walked into someone until my nose grazed the polyester cotton blend of his jacket.

“Sorry.” I quickly apologized, looking up to meet the pair of eyes that belonged to the mysterious man I’ve seen almost religiously in my past scheduled shifts. He would come in, go through around the store with no purpose, pick up a random book, and purchase it. This would have sounded perfectly normal but he did it in every one of my shifts. And I’ve worked four shifts consecutively this week! How fast can he possibly read and wouldn’t it be so much simpler if he just picked all the books he wanted in one go?

“It’s alright.” He responded, a beat later. The man blinked rapidly before fumbling with the hardback copy of William Shakespeare works in his hands.

“Can I help you?” I offered, noticing for the first time how striking this man really was. He must have been over six feet! And his eyes…his jawline…his cheekbones! Gulping, I gave a nervous smile and felt heat warm my entire body when he returned a shy boyish grin back.

“Um, I think I have everything I need.” He answered, biting his lower lip before letting it go. My eyes immediately dropped to the nervous action as my mind swirled with the idea of what his mouth would taste like and if he would be a great kisser.

Focus.

I reprimanded myself, smiling again. “Great! Well, let me know if you need anything.” I began moving past him, picking up the pace now since I was so afraid he might see what a blushing chit I was.

“Wait!” He called, a little bit too loudly. Clearing his throat, he looked around the store at the onlookers who glanced up from their own businesses to see what we were up to before looking back at my direction. “I just need one more thing…actually.” He coughed, tucking the book underneath his arm.

“Alright…” I said hesitantly, walking slowly back to where he was standing. “What can I help you with?”

“Well, your name would be a great start.” The man smiled, two spots of pink on his cheeks. He seemed to be just as jittery and nervous as I was.

“Flora.” I answered, standing up straighter than I was and promintely displaying my name tag that was attached above my left breast. His eyes immediately dropped to the tag and then my cleavage that my blouse pronounced. He shook his head, blushing furiously now.

“Tom.” He gave a short awkward wave. I stifled a giggle.

“Alright, Tom. What’s it that I can help you with?” I prompted again when he stood there silently, eyes fixated on mine.

“Right, sorry.” Tom gave an awkward laugh. “This is…this is silly. I shouldn’t have never came here…or stopped you from doing your work…” He sighed tremendously, scratching the corner of his forehead. “Uh, Flora, is it? I just wanted to say that you’ve been on mind since I first saw you two weeks ago and I wanted to know if you would interested in going out for a coffee with me or something. No pressure or anything! I know it’s weird because here’s this weird guy that always comes in the store and buys a random book and he doesn’t say anything and the time he does, he’s asking you out—“

“Tom.” I gently cut him off, placing a hand on his upper arm to stop his train of thought. “I would love to go out and have a coffee with you.”

Tom looked at my hand on his arm and then back at me, a smile growing radiantly on his face. “Really?”

“Yes.” I smiled. “I’m about done work in two minutes anyways.”

The pain was the worst of it.

The pain from a shattered heart that still loved him despite everything that was yelled screeched between us. Harsh words that hit me like bullets that left only flesh wounds. Enough to make me writhe in pain and agony but not enough to kill me off just yet.

I was walking down the slippery sidewalk back to my flat when my phone buzzed. London had been plagued with rain for the entire week since the dinner party disaster that made me lose everything. It seemed that even Mother Nature heard the pitying news and was comforting me with warm weather and cold droplets of rain.

“Hello?” I answered my phone without bothering to check who was calling. It usually was my mum now that she found out I had a serious crush on Tom and how everything blew up between us. She had been comforting like a normal mother would be. Her hugs and tea only went so far.

“Rachael?” The familiar voice of Sarah immediately hit me in the gut. She had been one of my closest friends but ever since the meltdown I had at her brother’s party, we haven’t exchanged one single word since. Mostly, I was too humiliated by everything. I never once told her or her sister, Emma, that I actually loved their brother in all my years that I’ve known them. They were probably keeping the silence between us to protect my ego and pride. “Thank God you picked up!” She exclaimed, sounding slightly panicked.

I gripped my phone tighter, already thinking of the worst case scenario. Was something wrong with their mom, Diana? Did something happen to Emma? And as much as I hated myself for thinking of him, my heart beat faster at the thought of Tom being hurt.

“What’s wrong?” I stopped in the middle of the street, balancing my purse hanging on my shoulder and the umbrella in my other hand.

“It’s Tom.” She gulped. All wind was knocked out of me at that moment. I stumbled forwards to a nearby tree, placing a firm hand on the trunk to steady myself. My ears buzzed, blocking all sounds of traffic on the street, conversations from people next to me, and the car alarm blasting through the misty afternoon air. This was my worst nightmare, I realized.

“What happened?” I asked, squeezing my eyes shut.

Please, please, please don’t let him be dead.  

“We can’t find him.” Sarah continued. “We’ve tried calling him, texting him, and we even asked Luke and all his friends but nobody can get a hold of him. He just vanished!”

“What do you mean vanished?” My voice rose. What on earth was happening? Tom couldn’t just vanish. He was a celebrity for God’s sake. He was always in the public eye and people actually cared about him.

“Well, after the fight…” She choked on her words. “He just went ballistic. Completely broke down. I’ve never seen him like that, Rachael. I mean, I knew something was wrong after the fight you had with him. He was being all fake happy but I could see it in his fake smiles that it broke him that you left. But after this fight, he just couldn’t…stop. He kept throwing and breaking things. Always yelling and drinking! Emma and I tried to calm him down but he didn’t hear us. We thought he would cool down if we left him alone but we just checked in yesterday and he wasn’t home. We called and called—”

“Sarah!” I cut her rambling off, completely confused as to what exactly was happening. “What other fight? We’ve only had one, remember? Tom and I? Our friendship?”

“You don’t know?” She went eerily quiet after.

“Know what?” I asked, pinching the bridge of my nose with my fingers to stop the impending migraine that loomed over me. This was all so fucked up. Everything was so fucked up right now and I didn’t know how to fix it.

“Tom and Lydia broke up. He heard her over the phone talking with her lawyers about how much assets a spouse can receive if they go through a divorce. Turns out Lydia really was a gold digging bitch. She was also caught with a notebook filled with Tom’s secrets that she no doubt had plans to sell to the press or write in her upcoming memoir. We’re trying to put an injunction on her publication but we need to find Tom and oh God! Everything is just a fucking mess.” Sarah groaned heavily.

I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I could. Lydia was always a gold digger but to write a novel based on Tom’s secrets? How could someone being such a cold heartless bitch? To play and toy with a man’s feelings and making them believe that there was actually loved involved. I felt sick.

“I don’t know where Tom is, Sarah.” I said regretfully, hating myself that I didn’t know where my best friend was at that moment. He must have been in so much pain.

“It was worth the shot.” She said sadly. “If you do see him or he contacts you, try to convince him to come back. We’re worried about him.”

“I promise.” I replied, ending the call once we exchanged farewells. God, this was so messed up. I leaned away from the tree and continued walking down the street till I reached my flat. Fumbling for my keys in my trench pocket, I walked up the stairs with my umbrella shielding my vision as the wind whipped strongly against me. I yelped in surprise when I saw a pair of beat up sneakers on the steps in front of me. Tipping back my umbrella, I felt my mouth drop open at the grisly sight of a soaked Tom sitting in front of me.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, fighting back the huge waves of hurt and panic inside my chest. It stung to see him there but it also made me immensely sad to see him like this. Broken and thrown away just like I was last week.

“I’ve come to see you.” He shrugged with nonchalance.

“You better come in before you catch yourself your own death.” I mumbled, walking around him to reach my door. Even with the frigid temperatures, I felt his body heat against my back when he stood right behind me. He was too close. I closed my eyes tightly and threw open my door for both of us. Shaking dry my umbrella, I stuck it in the can next to my door and shrugged off my wet coat.

“You need to change out of your clothes.” I said drily, observing him. He looked like a sad wet golden retriever. His eyes bore into mine when silence hung over us. I looked away first, not ready for the words that needed to be said. “I think I have some of your sweats and shirts that you left at my place in my closet.” Stepping around him, I climbed the stairs two at a time, desperate to get as far as possible from him.

When I had returned with his change of clothes, he was still standing by the doorway like he was a stranger that needed permission to enter. In a way, he was. I would have thought my best friend would have at least listened to what I had to say before writing me completely off. He wouldn’t have shut me down so quickly, using my feelings to humiliate me.

“Here.” I handed it over. He took it in his hands. The tips of his fingers brushed against my skin, sending my hand to whip right back to my chest. I looked up at him, confused at my own reaction and his quiet one. Without commenting, I retreated into the kitchen and put on a kettle for tea as he went into the private bathroom to change. He returned silently, overlooking the kitchen from the doorway.

“I heard about what happened.” I began quietly, breaking the awkwardness with my soft words. “I’m sorry.”

Tom scoffed, and shook his head. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I should have known from the very start. Everything she did during our time makes so much sense now. How she always wants to go out to public places and how the paparazzi just knows where we are.” He paused, twisting up his mouth in disgust. “I should have listened to you.”

I nodded my head slowly, letting my gaze fall to the center of his chest because looking him in the eyes was far too intense. If I let myself really look at him, I would crumble. My hard shell I built for myself would crack and I would be an open wound for him to pick at.

“Rachael, I made a mistake.” Tom said, parting from the frame of the door to walk slowly towards me. He inched closer and closer. “I didn’t see it until it was too late. I saw you walk out of my door after our fight and all I wanted to do was chase after you, begging you for forgiveness but I was too proud to apologize. I kept thinking that these nagging feelings I had in my stomach every time I thought of you were just because I missed you as a friend. I thought I would get over it in time.” He paused, recollecting his thoughts. “When I finally found out about Lydia, you were the first person that came to mind. And not just because I completely fucked up our friendship but because I realized that the nagging feelings I had every time you were near or when I thought of you or when I talked to you meant that I actually loved you. I didn’t mourn over the fact that I lost Lydia. I mourned over losing you and everything we had. And for that, I’m so sorry.”

The kettle whistled then, steam shooting out of its nozzle till I turned off the stove and removed the kettle from the hot stovetop. This was too much and too soon. How could he do this? How could his emotions flip so easily like flipping a coin? One moment, he was contemplating marrying that bitch and then next moment, it struck him that he actually loved me and not her. He nearly threw me out of his house for her! And I was his best friend. The one person he trusted his secrets and deepest feelings with until Lydia came along. Did I really want this? Do I want a man who was so fickle?

“You can’t do this.” I turned to face him, surprising myself and him when tears blurred my vision. I failed at trying to steady my rapidly increasing breaths. “You can’t just waltz in here and say a couple of words to make everything all right!” I yelled, waving my hand out of frustration. “Do you know how much it fucking hurt to have your best friend use your feelings against you in a fight? Feelings, I had for a long time. Feelings, I felt so true to my core it hurt. And not once, did I ever try to ever stop you from loving someone else even though I loved you with everything I had. But the one time I do because I knew she was bad for you, you throw it in my face and humiliate me in front of my friends. You didn’t even trust me! You just thought I was a jealous hag just like what Lydia thought! You were my best friend, Tom. You were the one person on this world that was supposed to know me inside and out and you didn’t.”

“You’re right, Rachael. I fucked up immensely. I know I possibly can’t say anything to make you forgive me.” He used his hands to scrub his face, running it up past his forehead before tracing them through wet hair till it stuck up in all directions. I could see now that his eyes were red from stinging tears just like mine. “But for what it’s worth, I mean it. I mean every words I say now. I love you.”

I exhaled deeply, resting my hands on my hips. When I looked up at him, I knew I could never stop loving him.

“I love you, too.” I murmured, smiling despite the tears still rolling down my cheeks. “But I can’t. You showed me new levels of inexplicable pain that I never thought I could survive. And now that I know I am strong enough to live past this and learn slowly but surely to not put others in front of me first, I think I’m going to enjoy learning to love myself and only myself for now.” Closing the distance between us, I cupped his face in my hands and brushed the tears off his cheeks with the pads of my thumb. “I loved you for so long I lost myself. Maybe some other time in the future but not right now. “Kissing him softly on his lips, I tasted the saltiness of his tears and the sweetness of hope on my tongue.

4 MONTHS LATER

“How are you enjoying the party?” Emma asked me as she handed me another flute of champagne.

“Loving it so far.” I beamed down at her, feeling immensely happy now that our friendship was back on track. The room was packed with guests from Emma’s friends and cast members from her latest indie film. Everyone was laughing and drinking, spilling cheap wine on the carpet floors. I was humming along to my favourite tune that was playing on the speakers when a tall blond man standing across the room caught my eye. He raised his flute of bubbly champagne at me, a small smile on his face as I did the same.

“Can I speak to you for a moment?” I heard his voice right behind me, low and strained with urgency. His hand held my elbow, gently nudging me to stop chopping up vegetables for the snack table. The maddening party was fully kicking off now with streams and streams of people entering through the front door of my cramped flat. It was a madhouse but I loved every moment of it.

“Of course.” I smiled weakly at my best friend, wiping my hands with a nearby dish towel before following his way out of the hot kitchen. It wasn’t too hard considering he was well over everyone’s height. Tom stood out in most ways. He was tall, broad shouldered, and easily the life of the party whenever we got around. And that was one of the main reason we were friends. With him by my side, my often shy demeanor was gone unnoticed because he would keep the conversation going and I would be alleviated from the social anxiety that plagued me.

“What’s up?” I asked as soon as Tom shut the screen door behind us. He had led the way right out to the patio facing the city’s shimmering lights that were scattered like broken pieces of glass. Immediately, I was hit with the blistering January cold that numbed my hands and toes.

“I have something to tell you…it’s not easy.” Tom raked his hand through his hair causing a floppy mess on his head as the wind ruffled it even more. He raised his gaze from the snow dusted floors to me and gulped. “I’ve been keeping this to myself for quite some time now. I thought it over and over again, wondering if this was the best decision. On one hand we have our friendship and on the other, there’s a possibility.”

“A possibility?” I folded my arms tighter against my chest, not liking the direction of where this was going.

“Yes.” He nodded his head fiercely before running his hand down his mouth. “There’s a possibility of something more.”

“Something more…”I parroted slowly, digesting each word.

“I have feelings for you.” Tom finally admitted, his body visibly relaxed as a large weight had been lifted off his shoulders. “I felt it for a long time.”

I didn’t know where to begin. Shocked seemed to have physically hit me as I stumbled backwards, gripping onto the iron fence for support. His easy smile slowly faded when he caught my reaction. Blinking once, twice, and a couple of more times, he nodded his head again as he finally understood that the feelings he felt were not mutual and it only went one way.

“I’m sorry.” I apologized weakly but all I saw was a heartbreak in his eyes. The sadness darkened them till the bright blueness dimmed into nothing more.

“It’s okay.” Tom shrugged, giving a harsh clipped laugh. “I’m okay. Honestly, I’m okay.”

Before I could say anything to make everything between us right, he walked past me, brushing my shoulder gently as he entered back into the toasty house, leaving me standing alone in the cold.

SIX MONTHS LATER

“So, I’ve met a man.” Alissa leaned in towards me, holding her steaming cup of coffee closely to her red painted lips. She smiled wickedly at me before sipping.

“Do tell.” I leaned in too, completely invested in my colleague’s love life.

“Well, he’s tall, blond, and has these amazing blue eyes.” She sighed dreamily to herself, looking far off into the distance.

“He sounds quite a handsome man already.” I giggled, imagining an intelligent bloke that would sure satisfy Alissa’s wild needs in bed. If only my love life were that simple. Ever since Tom declared his love for me at my party, things had grown awkward between us. Our once tightly bound friendship had unravelled at the seams. Communication was minimal and most of updates on his life were provided by Facebook. Sometimes at night, while I’m lying in bed, I think of him. Wondering where he was, what he was doing, and if he moved on. I missed him immensely to the point my heart ached.

“You’re in luck because I actually invited him.” Alissa grabbed my hand across the table and squeezed enthusiastically. Before I could react with excitement, Alissa raised her hand and waved to the man entering the café we were seated in. A smile lit her face.

A gust of winter wind wrapped itself around me, unsettling my pin straight hair as I sifted through my mail by the mailbox on the bottom floor of my apartment. Sneaking a glance upwards from my overdue credit card bill, the giant total at the very bottom was forgotten when a pair of turquoise blue eyes settled on mine.

Tom.

I swallowed the hardened lump lodged in my throat, ripping my gaze away from him and his tall stature. He dominated any room he stepped in with his height, manner, and presence. Easily one of the best looking people I’ve ever met with his sandy blond cropped hair, jutting cheekbones, and angled jawline that made artists hungry to sculpt, it was enough for me to feel sick to my stomach from one glance at him. Memories of our one hot passionate night that took place three months ago flickered in my mind. His moans in my ear, the feel of my nails digging into the soft flesh of his shoulder blades as I clutched onto him through my orgasm, the way he peppered kisses down on my skin still made me ache painfully at night. It was pleasure mixed with guilt. Guilt from how easily I rejected him the next morning, opting to slip out of his sheets before he woke up, and how I refused to enter his bed ever since. I rejected his advances coldly, not bothering to hear his plead at our amazing chemistry and attraction because I knew nothing could come out of a relationship between us. He was the shameless playboy while I was the diehard romantic that craved more than toe curling sex. I needed a man who was willing to risk everything and fall in love with me.

Brushing past me, he made careful moves to avoid any interaction. Tom slipped a key from his coat pocket, rang through a few before picking out the one for his mailbox that was positioned right beside mine. He grunted when I failed to move out of the way in time.

“Sorry.” I gathered my mail in my hands, cheeks blooming with heat and colour.

“For what exactly?” Tom commented drily, shutting his box closed.

I winced from the sting of his worlds. I shut my eyes tightly before blinking them open, knowing fully well I deserved his cold calculated manner. I hurt his ego. Nobody in this city probably ever rejected him in bed and here I was, living proof that his charming personality was not invincible.

His jaw locked. Slowly, he shook his head, a look of disgust passed his face before he turned around and walked inside a waiting elevator, leaving me alone to my own misery.

I would probably never stop missing him.

The sound of my ringtone ripped me out of my stupor. Quickly searching through my overstuffed purse, I located my phone, and frowned at the phone number displayed across my screen. It was my grandmother’s long term care centre.

“Hello?” I asked, looking out the doors leading out to the streets to see that the threatening rainstorms had hit. Rain was pouring out of the skies in sheets, blurring everything in its wake.

“Hi, Miss. Winston?” A cooling voice answered. “I’m afraid, we’re in a bit of a situation…”

***

“Your grandmother is lost.”

The nurse’s words rang over and over again in my head like a broken record as I drove mindlessly through the streets. My hands gripped onto the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles threatened to pierce the skin. No, this couldn’t be happening. Not my grandma. Anything but that. Even as I silently prayed for her safe return, I knew the conditions outside were bad enough to justify the panic running through my veins. The rain hadn’t lighten up yet, falling down steadily on my windshield so that it resembled water boiling. I could barely see the slick roads ahead of me let alone my grandma who could be wandering the streets, cold, wet, and scared. My chest tightened, squeezing painfully at the thought of the woman who raised me ever since my parents died to be caught in a situation like this.

A tear rolled down my cheek, running down the curve till it landed on the tip of my tongue.

“No!” I slammed my hand hard against the steering wheel, angry and frustrated that I was losing my control and composure. I needed to focus. I had no time for tears because all it did was a distraction from me thinking clearly as to what my next step should be. “No, no. No.” I muttered under my breath as another sob took over.

***

“We’ve called the police. They’ve informed us that she couldn’t have gone far.”

I was back in the lobby of my apartment, tired and weary from a two hour drive around the area near the long term care centre. It had been fruitless work when the sun started to set and my vision began to blur from the tears pooling in my eyes. After being reassured again and again that the police were no stranger to locating lost elderly people, I had decided to go back home to await for more updates.

The elevator bell pinged as the doors slid open, allowing passengers to step out.

“Still here, huh?” I heard the smirk on his lips as his words assaulted me like bullets straight through my heart. It shocked me awake from my numbness. Suddenly, I was blistering hot, rage bubbling inside me.

“You know what?” I balled my fists tightly, my nails digging sharply into the palms of my hands. “Not now!” Looking fiercely up at Tom, I was a volcano that was brimming with lava, shaking and eager to erupt. “For the love of God, I know you hate me because you can’t get it wrapped around your pretty little head that someone might reject you but can’t you see there are so many more things that are important than sex or the hot girl?” I looked up at the speckled ceiling, blinking back tears I didn’t know I still had inside me, and covered my mouth with the back of my hand. My grandma was still out there. “Just leave me alone.” I muttered under my breath, pushing my way past him before I felt his hand bracelet my wrist.

“Wait.” Tom cooled, pulling me till I staggered into his welcoming arms and warm chest. Crushing me against him, I buried my face in the soft fabric of his cable knit jumper, not caring that I was ruining it. I felt so weak. I needed someone to hold onto. “What’s wrong?” He asked softly, stroking my back comfortingly.

“My grandma is missing.” I hiccupped, stepping back to gather myself. He remained close, a hand resting on my hip to keep the connection. Tom frowned deeply, nodding his head.

“I’ll drive.” Tom moved towards the doors, determined and focused.

“What?” I barely sputtered before I ran after him.

***

It was a miracle.

Shortly after we’ve driven around the block, I received a call from the nurse telling me that my grandmother was safe and she had wandered the streets and ducked out of the rain in her favourite bakery shop not too far from where the retirement centre was. The bakery’s owner had been more than gratuitous, offering her fresh loaves of bread with butter and hot cups of tea to keep her warm until they managed to weasel out information from where she came from. Suffering from late stages of dementia, it was not easy task.

“Thank god.” I buried my head in my hands, leaning over in my seat till my head was in between my thighs. I felt his hand lightly rub the back of my neck, calming me down further as he turned right, making his way towards our apartment. I had protested him from coming with me to check up on her considering it was nearly twelve in the morning. The dark half-moon crescents under his eyes told me he had spent long nights on sets the night before and if it wasn’t already bad enough, I made him cancel his plans for the night.

“She’s okay.” Tom confirmed softly, hushing me as the last few sobs shook my entire body.

“Look, Tom.” I raised my position only to realize we were already parked in the underground parking of our apartment. How long had I been sitting there not moving but groaning from relief? “I can’t thank you enough. I know I made you cancel your plans for tonight and I just wanted to apologize for my behaviour and—”

“It’s okay.” He cut me off from rambling, eyes fixated in front. From this angle, I could see them shining in the darkness, and filled with emotion. Turning to face me, I sucked in a breath as the impact of his expression hit me right in the gut. He looked pained, and most of all, sad. And I know exactly who caused this.

It was me.

“Why did you leave?” Tom’s words came out as a hoarse whisper.

Now it was my turn to look forward, not brave enough to look directly at him.

I shrugged. “We would have never ended well.”

“Bullshit.” He cried. “You never gave us a chance. You never gave me a chance!”

“And why should I?” I retorted, voice rising. “What am I supposed to expect from London’s playboy other than a night in bed and kick to my butt the next morning? To be easily replaced and to put my heart in danger of getting broken and trampled on?”

“You don’t know me at all.” Tom seethed, chest rising and falling rapidly at the sight of me.

I swallowed, staring right back into his eyes, letting the words sink in one by one. Did I really know him? From the moment I spotted him, I pinned him to be a notorious movie star that had fun in the sheets, broke hearts for fun, and had no capabilities of loving another person other than themselves. But what evidence did I have to justify any of this? It dawned on me that, if all my presumptions were true, Tom would have never spent his night in a wild goose chase for a grandmother he never met before. And was it somehow all just me and the fucked up guards I put around my heart to protect myself from getting hurt?

I blinked, looking down at my hands in lap, guiltily. I was wrong. And I hurt him in the process.

“I’m sorry.” I shook my head, salty hot tears spilling from my eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

Tom remained silent on his side of the car. His body relaxed, shoulders slumping as my choked hiccups filled the stale air between us.

My flat was brimming with friends and family members.

As the months slowly crawled towards the end of the year and strings of sparkly bright lights lined the rooftops of houses down the street, December came in full fashion, bursting with music and joy. My annual Christmas party was raging on. Guests shuffled through room to room, admiring the decorations I’ve so painfully hung up and displayed around the house while chatting and laughing with each other as the night wore on. My heels were beginning to pinch my toes but I kept my bright cheery smile slicked on my face as I greeted friends with trays of deviled eggs, pigs in blankets, and crackers with slices of fine cheese.

Blowing out a hot breath, my fringe ruffled against my forehead before settling back in a messy manner. I was starting to lose it. My mum had arrived early this evening, insisting on helping me in the kitchen but in reality, she was more or so concerned that I would ruin everything, leaving the house in smoke from my disastrous cooking. Never mind that I held my party for the past three consecutive years and it was the talk of the town afterwards. Never mind that everyone always complimented me on my baking and cooking skills. Never mind that I was a strong, independent, and financially responsible grown woman!

“Honey, make sure to check on the pastries.” Mum rushed over towards me once I stepped foot back in the kitchen. Her brows drew close together from worry.

“I’ve just popped them in.” I reassured her, grabbing a handful of tomatoes from the fridge to chop up for my salsa. We were running low for the refreshments table. Leaning over my shoulder, she pursed her lips tightly together till they resembled a thin white line, despite her wearing her festive shade of red lipstick. I reached for my biggest knife, slicing the tomato in swift motion, relishing the soft crunch of skin breaking in my hands. “Mum, why don’t you make fresh punch?”  I breathed steadily, wanting her anywhere else but next to me, silently critiquing my next moves.

“I don’t think anyone has touched it.” Mum frowned.

“Mum-”

“Hello!” I was cut off by the sound of his voice. Swivelling around in my spot, I felt my muscles relax just from the mere sight of his head popping around the corner of the kitchen door. He nodded politely to my mum before giving me a slow charming smile that sent my heart thudding wildly underneath my ribs. “I brought the coffee and chocolates.” Tom, my sweet, sweet, sweet, lovely boyfriend, displayed the bag that held the contents in his hand proudly to both of us.

Letting a long dragged out breath, I wiped my hands on my apron and walked right into his arms, pressing the side of my check into his chest. At nearly six foot two, he towered over my visibly shorter frame.

“Long night?” His words sent vibrations from his chest to my cheek. I breathed in heavily of his scent, willing to drown myself in it. Ready to drown myself in him. Thoughts of us both sneaking off into the night in the midst of our party crept dangerously into my mind. Recklessness and boldness I never felt made my stomach churn as I counted the things we could do if we were to leave right this minute. I peered up at him through tired eyes, studying the light golden stubble dusting the contours of his jawline. My body hummed at the sight of it, deciding instantly that his bed, under the sheets, and his chocolate would be the decision.

I shut my eyes, answering his question, and simultaneously drawing myself back to reality. My pastries should be done by now.

“I got you your favourite beer in the fridge and there’s the kind of cheese you like next to it.” Reluctantly withdrawing myself away from him, I went back to my chopping board on the kitchen counter.

“Thanks.” I could hear the smile on his face before I saw it. “If you fine ladies don’t need me at this moment, I’m going to busy myself entertaining the guests.” Tom gave me one last kiss on my cheek before pushing open the door and entering the madness that was in my house. The volume of chatter, sickeningly sweet Christmas carols, and laughter dipped as soon as the door swung shut, leaving a quiet silence between my mum and I.

I didn’t have to look at her to know something was on her mind.

“Yes, mum?” I asked politely, piling the cubes of tomatoes into the food processor.

“I just worry, is all.” She begin, sighing dramatically. “I can’t help but feel like you love him more than he does.”

“What?” I spun around, flashing the knife clutched in my hand. Realizing that I held a knife to my own mother, I dropped my hand and placed the knife in the sink. “You’re insane.”

“I’m your mother.” Mum gave fixed me a pointed look. “And I sense these things. I may be wrong but God only knows how many actually see it. You, caring and giving him everything he needs, always talking about him and his career. Him…doing what? Maybe a kiss and a hug but nothing really out of the norm. It’s just…” She reached over to me and squeezed my shoulder comfortingly. “I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“I’m not going to get hurt.” I replied firmly, my patience wavering. “Because I know he loves me as much as I love him.” My words came out fiercely. What did she know anyways? She wasn’t there when Tom threw me all the romantic gestures. Or the moments shared between us when it was just him and me, the silence of the night, the coldness of our sheets, and the warmth in our hearts. But even as my thoughts charged on, powered by the need to prove my mother wrong for once in her life, I felt myself step back involuntarily as if she held the axe to crack the façade of us I built. Questions filled my mind. Does he know what my favourite type of drink was? How about my go-to snack? Or does he know my favourite flavour of ice cream or my genre of music or all the other things I know about him? My head spun as I realized that I didn’t know if he knew answers to any of the questions.

The oven timer shrilled to life, buzzing annoyingly.

“I’ll get them. Why don’t you take a break?” Mum gave me a kind smile before pulling on the oven mitts. Nodding my head, I felt pins and needles throughout my chest as I entered the room where mostly everyone was gathered. Immediately, my eyes scanned for Tom, hunting down the crown of blond hair I knew so well. When I spotted him, he must have sensed me as well because our gazes locked. Raising his bottle of beer as a salute, he gave me my smile. The smile he saved just for me. The one where it crinkled the corners of his eyes and his cheeks seemed more pronounced, rounded and full.

I returned my smile a minute too late. A look of concern swallowed his loving expression as he politely excused himself from his friends and made his way towards me. I shook my head, feeling over dramatic and foolish to have doubt in how much he loved me when he knew me so well to know that I wasn’t feeling okay even from across the room.

Not muttering a word, he cupped my elbow and guided me out towards the quiet hall outside where his brows knitted together in worry and his smile vanished with a frown.

“What’s wrong?” Tom finally began. His voice ran like silk down my hot blistering skin. My eyes pricked painfully with tears. I was not going to cry. I was not going to cry. I repeated to myself in my head but it only fuelled the hatred I had for myself at this very moment. I was being stupid. My feelings were stupid. The emotions I felt right now were stupid.

I shrugged my shoulders, not brave enough to allow myself to speak in case my voice cracked or a sob escaped. My throat was constricting around the hardened lump that seemed to have taken residence there.

“I’m scared.” I sounded hoarse even to my own ears.

His frown deepened, making him look ten years older than he was. “Of what, love?”

“That I love you too much.” I finally admitted, feeling my cheeks flush hotly. We’ve told each other so many times but this time was different. I felt vulnerable and naked like I was stripped to my very core all the way to my soul. And it scared me.

He drew me into his arms till my face was buried in the crook of his neck and shoulder. I grunted from the collision, hands hanging limply by my sides, unsure what to do or how to react. “You scared the shit of me for a second.” Tom groaned into my ear, raining my cheeks with kisses.

“I’m serious.” I drew away from him. To my horror, I felt a rogue tear run down the curve of my cheek. There was no stopping it now as my chin wobbled and more tears fell. “I don’t want to get hurt.”

Tom’s shoulders dropped. He pinched his face in confusion, raising a hand to wipe my tears away only to wince like I slapped him when I stepped back, out of his reach.

“I don’t understand.” He mumbled, searching my face for an answer.

“I’m scared.” I started again, pressing down the rising sob building in the back of my throat. “That I love you too much and I love you more than you love me.”

Tom stayed silent. His eyes fixated on mine the entire time. My heart thudded to the beat of the song that shook the walls. Running a hand down his mouth, he looked up at the ceiling for what appeared to be inspiration or something and then pinned me in place with his gaze.

“I’m sorry.” Tom stated.

My heart fell to my feet. Inhaling a shuddering breath, I waited for him to cut things off as cleanly as the knife that sliced through the tomatoes from earlier. He was going to finally admit that it is, in fact, true. He didn’t love me half as much as I did for him. He was getting quite nervous over it for the past few weeks because he expected nothing serious and here I was, being his worst nightmare and taking things far too seriously. He’ll pat me on the back, give me one last kiss, and just to be polite, he’ll walk out of the party and my life, immediately.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to—” I began, hearing the pleading in my voice to just take back everything I said and start over. I didn’t want this to end. I didn’t want us to end.

“I’m sorry that I was such a shit boyfriend that I never showed you how much I loved you more.” He talked right over me. “You know you’ve seriously fucked up when the love of your life actually doubts you in how much you love her. I mean, could I have been more robust with my words!” Raking a hand through his hair, he left the ends standing straight and in every direction. “Looking back, I see it all.” Tom gestured wildly with his hands, eyes wild and crazy. He looked anywhere but at me, lost in his own world. “I always forget to tell you how nice you look, or how I like the way you mouth the words when you read something important, or how the smell of your neck reminds me of home and all things pure in the world. I mean, it’s just so hard. You know? It’s like my whole body has been slammed into a wall when I see you. My mind stops working. My mouth goes dry. I start to get wet underneath my pits because I know I’m lagging with words but that’s what you do to me.” Tom looked helplessly at me like a deer caught in headlights. “I’m literally left speechless when I see you because you’re a constant reminder that you’re the one good thing that has ever happened to me…

“I promise if you would just give me another chance, I’ll tell you every day just how much I love—“ I ran towards him, wrapped my arms around his neck, and pressed his mouth harshly against my own, cutting off his words affectively. Feeling him slowly melt against me, he pulled me tighter against the length of his body as he deepened the kiss, peppering the air with his loud moans. How could I have let anyone come in between us when they didn’t know our tender moments like these? I was right all along. It was the small things that mattered but it was also the unspoken things as well. The way how he knew I was upset from across the room. The way he knew I was stressed because of the way I smiled. The way he clung onto me in his arms like I was his last breath.

Pressing my forehead against his, I pulled away from our kiss, and looked into his eyes, noticing the gloss of unshed tears. “I’m sorry. I was being worried for no reason. I should have known all along.”

Tom shook his head. “It’s partly my fault. You’ve always been the one to do things for me and I’ve just been there, taking it all in without gratitude.”

“You do enough.” I nodded my head vigorously, defending him. “You’re my lifeline. Without you, I would be an emotional wreck. I love you, Tom. I love you.”