#tomis talks

Hello, my friends. It’s been quite a while and for that, I apologize deeply. I’m not going to sugar coat it. I have some things I need to get off my chest. [I’d appreciate it if you don’t reblog this. thanks.]  I’ve been in therapy. I’ve been to sessions. I’ve been hospitalized. I’ve taken a shit load of pills. I’ve been in pain. I’ve been in denial. I’ve tried to hide it all under a calm and collected appearance. But like all things that require concentration, once I was too tired to keep up the facade, it all came crashing down and I snapped. I have no longer been able to sustain and take care of myself, so, I moved back with my parents, far away from all my friends. THIS has not been easy, but it had to be done. I’m broke and miserable. My strongest fear has always been showing weakness. Imperfection.  Whenever I’m in trouble, I tend to isolate myself as much as possible. So, that’s the main reason I haven’t been active on my accounts. I just can’t bring myself to talk to anyone. I could say I was busy. Sure, in a way. But never busy enough not to say hi, I just tend to lurk around. See what everyone else is doing while waiting for things to clear up in my head. This happened before... and I just let history repeat itself, like an idiot. It was a lot less violent this time around, since I was somewhat familiar with how to proceed. Here I am, saying i wouldn’t sugar coat it, but I keep stalling. Fine...  I guess in the back of my mind I keep hoping that a wall of text with deter anyone from reading too much of this, but i promised myself I’d goddamn do this, and I will. About 7 years ago I was diagnosed with schizophrenia/schizoaffective dissorder. I dropped out of my college scholarship, my dream job and got involuntarily hospitalized. I’ve been getting treatment ever since and well... sometimes I skip on it. Because... yeah, there’s no real excuse... I just don’t like the way it “inhibits” me. But like a reverse addicts, i keep telling myself: “It’s fine, i know when to get back on it before any major episodes”. just... take the damn treatment. This is no joke. My only saving grace, if you can call it that, was that I got the initial treatment early, so it’ a lot more “mild” if I make sure to take care of myself properly. 

The fact that I’ve actually kept my new year’s resolution about drastically reducing my alcohol intake has also been a factor in my collapse. I had alcohol as a way of numbing my thoughts. Don’t we all...  So... yeah... It’s been rough. But I’m back now. So Hello again!  I might just post a lighter note on my main blog, since this has a more personal touch. I still won’t be particularly “out” about this, but my therapist’s suggestion was to let go of it. I want to accept myself and in striving to get better/be a better person, this had to be said. I can honestly say that it was difficult. more so than I thought... but I’m kinda relieved. Letting out things that eat away at you is liberating. You hear it all the time, but it only clicks once you really see it/feel it for yourself.

( so I get some people asking me to share some excerpts from my almost daily journal and I tend to say no, since you know, it’s supposed to be private, however this is actually a bit I would like to share)

“What a fucking day! I got a good one for ya! 

So, this is the 7th day since I’ve been in my hometown with work and I found myself having some free time today. I said to myself- that’s pretty awesome! So I had this idea of going to the art gallery to check out the new exhibition and frame some of my own work to give as a gift in good faith to my parents. Two birds with one stone-clever me...

So I go on this long walk since there’s rarely any buses around here and I reach my destination. It was closed... Huh. I look at the schedule and I was there on time, so why was it clo- oh, they have a break from 13:00 to 14:00. Alright, well it’s exactly 14:00 so it should open up any minute!

Step #1 Come back 20 minutes late from your break (some stores leave a phone number in the window in case this happens, but apparently not this place). In this time an elderly couple (~65-70 years maybe) were also waiting out in the cold with me, looking restless and impatient. I was alright, just waiting and looking inside at the paintings trough the glass. So they’re late, happens to everyone.

Step #2 Talk to the first customer (aka me) and after a few sentences ignore them and talk to the other customer (aka the elderly couple). You know what? Fine, I get it, maybe they have something to pick up and you’ll be done quickly. A “sorry, I’ll take care of their order and get back to you” would be nice, instead of talking over me like I wasn’t there. Alright, no biggie, I guess you’re just kind of bad at this.

(more under the cut)

Sometimes, I need to ground myself in reality, when it comes to my artistic pursuit. Hearing someone as great as Karl Kopinski saying that he’s still got a lot to work on, figuring out anatomy and various other things, sure does put things into perspective. 

This quote in particular hit me right in the feels:  "there is no end point, the end point is you dying, not being as good as you wanted to be".

Just some food for thought.