#tomatalk

Geez where do i even start. I hate being all sappy like this because it’s not like me to vent out in public but I just want everyone to know- if you write, if you draw, if you make art, don’t stop and don’t give up.

I know a lot of you feel discouraged right now. Maybe a lot of people don’t support in what you’re doing, or you just don’t believe in yourself. maybe you feel intimidated by great artists, painters or writers around you, you feel like you’re never going to be like them and make things that move people’s lives, and honestly that’s okay, as long as you don’t forget why you started doing it in the first place, remember why you wanted to do it, what is your reason? Your motivation?

I know it’s hard, we all hit rock bottom at some point of our lives, every artist feel like that once in a while and to be perfectly honest I feel like that everyday. I feel like I’m not good enough, that I should stop since my parents don’t support my method of making art, I should stop because nobody reads the works i put so much effort into.

But no matter how much I convince myself just that, it’s not the case, because It’s never the case.

Because if that was the real reason, then I wouldn’t have an art tablet, nor a MacBook Pro. In my country, most kids these days would beg to have one yet one just fell into my hands. I was aware how much they cost yet it was just given to me as a gift. What did i do to deserve that? I barely did anything for these people and yet they spent so much money for something I wanted to work hard on.

It was because they believed in me

Now I may look like I’m bragging but, I struggled showing my art to people even though I’ve been drawing for a long time (mostly anime, in which most elders including my parents were not keen with), but one day, a friend acknowledged this and encouraged me to try Deviantart where I started building up confidence. If you look at my account back thee all i did were traditional drawings of anime screenshots, i had very few feedback (that was to be expected) but that’s where I started and all I though at that point was I wanted to make something that would move people, things that when they see it, it would leave an impact on their mind, but I really have a short-temper, many people stay away from me because of it. I had and still have episodes where I would just scream in my room and complain, and tear my hair why anything I did wasn’t good enough. i told myself I would give up on drawing, on writing because giving up was the only thing I did best, even my parents told me that giving up was all I did (we even have a word for a person who is like that, nigas kugon) but fortunately I’ve been drawing well enough for more than a decade to give up that easily so I would find myself picking up a pencil, draw, tear the paper and break the pencil in two pieces, then draw again. I had some serious anger issues, and everyone around me just teased or scolded at it.

Eventually, I tried drawing digitally for a change of pace (because that was where everyone’s eyes were) on a small tablet with my fingers, no joke, stylus were also expensive at that time so i had to suck it up and just dream that i’d have an art tablet one day.

I didn’t think that it would come so early though.

It wasn’t a smooth ride, along the way, I would always come across a good drawing made by an equally amazing artist and think “why can’t I be like that? I want to draw like that too” and proceed to cry the whole week and lose my motivation. Things will never go the way you want but it will always go the way that will make you a better person. Heck, someone close to me even stole my whole portfolio that contained two years of traditionally drawn artworks and pretended she found it under a bookshelf.

I’ve been really down lately, nobody is supporting my art, my family keeps rushing me to study realism or else i wouldn’t make it into art school which just added to my glum mood and even when I did try it little by little, it felt like nothing I did was enough. But only because of these times I realised what I was doing wrong and went to correct it. Don’t think that nobody is there for you, because giving up means wasting all those years, the tears, sweat and all the mistakes you made in the past. Don’t you think that’s more painful that going forward having all the knowledge and experience you got through all the years and getting the chance to say “I’m proud of myself and the times I went through to get where i am now”?.

I myself haven’t achieved that goal yet, but I’m on my way, and boy am I going taking my sweet sweet time. I have friends and memes to accompany me through this dark times.

I want to tell all of you- Don’t rush it, you’ll learn new things by time, have patience and believe in yourself, don’t forget your goal. Remember, the journey is what teaches us not the destination.

P.S: Sorry for making all of my mutuals worry for not being able to be online as much as before and I’m terribly sorry to all of my friends that I left behind in leaving so many au’s, I believe they are choices that I will not regret and will be essential for me to become a better artist. i hope you all understand.