#houndposting

But im not in the mood to be a chew toy for the freaky shortstack who gets aroused at the words "Polygonal rifling"

not sure what i’m supposed to say, but Handler says this might help me process and i trust Her.

hi, i’m not really talking to anyone. Aurelia, i guess. hi Aurelia.

it’s safe to say what i need to say here, that’s what Handler says. maybe She’ll listen, but i don’t mind that, so, here goes.

i sometimes wonder who i was before i got here. it’s confusing. i still have some memory from when they had me on those drugs… some memory of… boots. the smell of leather still haunts me, sometimes. mostly i associate it with Her, with Safety.

i struggle to kneel now, it hurts my knees. i spent a long time kneeling before, i think. i almost feel like i’m a broken hound, not fit for my purpose. though what is my purpose? i have a high success rate, though i still don’t feel… fulfilled. i feel like there’s more i’m supposed to be doing. i feel like there’s something i’m forgetting.

it always feels like there’s something i’m forgetting.

Cuz mine was... unexpected????

I was resting in my room, eating some lunch, wondering when exactly the chewing out would begin, when a very hungover Faust barged in wearing sunglasses and a nightgown, followed by Mandy who had the biggest shiteating grin on her face.

NGL, was not expecting Faust to break down crying immediately.

Apparently, she thinks she failed ME by not being in my life more and focusing on her work too much; I tried to tell her it wasn't true but she wasn't listening. She thinks that if she'd been closer to me and a better friend, I would've actually talked about my night terrors, my insecurities about dating, my insecurities around flirting and sex, and of course my desire to have a leash again.

I had to inform her that the fact she pieced ALL of that together prior to us actually talking it out at that moment showed she cared a lot more than she THOUGHT.

I'm just an angsty, withdrawn bitch that doesn't like talking about my actual problems until they boil over. So we talked it out and...

I have a Handler again!

Sorta.

I made it clear I'm not looking for something romantic or sexual for the time, I just want a guiding force in my life again when shit gets overwhelming. This is purely casual for now, and the only reason either of us even agreed to this was because of...

Mandragora.

Yeah I sometimes forget that underneath the brainrot, she's the sanest person around. She's seen both sides of the Pilot/Hound coin, and ended up on a third side that shouldn't exist, yet she still exists. If she's willing to put this idea forward, considering that she's Faust's first successful rehab, I trust her.

HOWEVER!

She's also an ABSOLUTE BITCH!

Because when I said yes, you wanna know what that lanky green-haired fuck gave me????

A chain belt.

My Ex gave me a chain belt, since I don't like collars or muzzles.

This one, however, wasn't made of silver, nor was it covered in intricate designs. It was fucking industrial strength chain that she fiddled around with, rough and slapshod. Just like me.

God Mandy is such a bitch for this...

But if she's reading this...

woke up to an absolute mess of a woman, no leathers, hairs fucked, and gods she reeked of vodka.... the fuck did those three get up to last night?..I could smell margarita mix.. eh I got into her brandy..

we sat on the floor for a while..

she kept going on n on about how she fucked everything up without noticing or taking a minute to think. she'd cut me off when ever I tried to defend or placate her actions. usually I'd be upset at that but she had a valid point.

"y..you don't fucking get it. I conditioned you to feel that. to never think I could do wrong to you, and that I'm a higher power or fucking deity who has all the answers. but yknow what? I'm not. I'm the fucking dumb bitch that fucked you over by doing what I thought was right. I. Fucked. Up. not you."

She just kept going on for a bit.. some incomprehensible.. her choking on tears didn't help.. I never thought she had the capacity to cry.. She sat there showing the emotions she encouraged me to feel over the years.. it was no longer a Handler and Her dog or a Goddess and their subject sitting on the floor.

no it Just two very, very broken people...

the strangest of all was she just held me...

genuine praise...not the "Treat" you'd receive after a good sortie.

but the genuine praise you'd give a child when they showed perfect marks on an exam... it felt foreign.. but welcomed.. shoulders still damp... I don't know who's tears are who's anymore..

but it seems things are going to be changing here..

you'll still see me in my office at times don't worry.

seems I'll be a busy Hound for a while.. I don't mind

two times a week she wants to meet over a meal or drinks and just talk. not just about work but personal goals, desires, riminess over the old days.. just interact like normal people.. and she went on a slurred tangent about walls?

but she also want's me to use my skills in a different light

"To help me adjust better"

you're now looking at the new CQC//Marksmanship instructor on the weekends. I better see you on the field sharp and early!

she also went on a wild rambling string of thoughts about me stretching borrowed wings or something similar... we'll ask about that later..

meanwhile she eventually passed out....

for this cascading display of vulnerability I didn't even think a Handler was possible of showing. I returned the favor and did what she'd do to me every time I had a breakdown in the office after hours..

I dragged her sorry ass into her bed and left a can of coffee on her desk like she did to me all these years right next to that fuck-ass framed picture she kept of me just titled "Pup's first time on combat sedatives"... Leones? what was it you'd say to me when id get like this? ah. right.

try not to sleep like a fucking cocktail shrimp ok? it's bad for your neck~

I'm gonna go find food and I don't fucking know.. lot of new shit and feelings not only I but both of us seem to need to work on..

as always.

The bridge between suffering and relief is a long hard worn one, but one that is worth every step

Looking back to see where I came from moves me forward, reminiscing the days for when I dreamed of this moment

I don't regret crossing this hard and heartfelt bridge, I only regret I didnt go sooner

Thank you to my lovely girlfriend for taking these pics and helping me edit them