Being a hound is both a punishment and an indulgence. I get to engage with and act on my rage, allowing the heat of combat to flush away my concerns and act on instinct, my only thoughts are of victory. To this end, She sharpens my mind so that strategy and technique become habitual, so that I do not forget them even as I forget myself. Accepting oneself as a hound also means accepting oneself as subhuman; this has humiliated me among others. This haunts me each time She has to put me in my place again, a reminder that being a hound is also a torment, that even if you excel, you are still beneath the heel of soldiers and civvies. You lack something fundamental, leaving you with feelings only She can relieve, it's why hearing sweet praise come from Her lips means anything at all. "Good hound" has become a sedative, replacing the torment with a relaxing anesthesia.
Guidance, direction and correction are the core benefits I have offered myself to my Handler for, as per our contract. In the most direct way, this is what I get out of being a hound. But I also get Her. She gives my life structure and meaning in serving Her, being Her hound has given me a standard to hold myself to. I won't lie, my feelings for Her have become a burgeoning obsession, and I find myself less resistant with each order I follow. Being a hound has revealed truths to me about myself that I could not see before, my independence seems further away than ever now, as I am reminded time and again that I need Her. In this sense, being a hound has taken from me too, my self-reliance, or perhaps the delusion that I alone could ever be enough. There's a conflict within me, being a hound has stripped me of the self I knew. I became Hers and allowed myself to be used so that I may use Her in turn, a stepping stone to become greater and better myself. I was so certain that I could one day graduate from being a mere hound to become a person, but now I'm not sure thats something I want, let alone could achieve. If being a hound gives me Her, then that may be enough.
What I want to get from being a hound is straightfoward enough. I want to indulge in rage and violence and be rewarded for it. I want to continue to sharpen my mind and toughen my body. I want Her. I want Her endorsement as I let loose, I want to get to fight for Her; to bask in the high of endorphins and adrenaline and then be praised by Her in the afterglow.