#toeofsatan

Just kidding, my kid is driving me crazy today.

^ pretty much Alessa all the time.

Do you ever have those days where you’re just stressed out even though you’re sitting home all day and things are pretty much totally fine? That’s me today. I guess I’m just stressed about things with Bear and I’ve been having bad dreams that I don’t even remember, but they somehow have been seeping into my awake life and making it feel like there’s a dirty filter over everything I do.

But, I did do something today that might help future me! I threw away the left over easter candy! While I binge ate about 15 pieces today I started to realize it was making me just want to crawl back into bed. Which, I did for about an hour, but then I got up and decided to toss the bag!

So, after my stomach stops feeling like I just ate an entire bag of egg shaped whoppers, I’ll force myself to get up and do another day of Insanity.

I am sad that it seems like I keep going backwards with my diet and exercise, but I keep reminding myself that it’s a little at a time. I’m going for a LIFESTYLE change, not an overnight change. It’s so hard to come to terms with that when all I want is results.

Hopefully this cup of iced coffee doesn’t do me in for the day. Coffee might be one of my best friends. Honestly, it doesn’t even do anything for my mood or my energy, I just really like the taste. When I’m craving a sweet snack sometimes I’ll just make myself a cup of coffee.

Honestly, my butt is way bigger than it needs to be. If I could have some Starbucks that big I would be living the dream. Can someone invent something to shed pounds without exercise please? Considering getting liposuction when I have my top surgery. At least then I can start from a decent spot. I’m GREAT at maintaining weight... it’s losing it that’s always been the problem for me, unfortunately. I need some outside help.

I’m so stuffed full of anxiety about Bear that I can’t even concentrate. It’s terrible. I’m thinking about him literally all day every day. And I have no one to talk to about it. And that’s all I want. I want someone to let me just vent to them about how much I miss him every day. Someone that’s not 3 years old -_-

Also, I’m still not sure what this blog is supposed to be. I’m all over the place. Someone tell me. Any ideas? Is it just my life? Am I even that interesting? Should I be funnier? Should I post videos? Should I be maintaining my youtube channel while Bear is away? Because I’m not. I still have PTSD from that damn Toe of Satan Challenge...