#toaoti

            Its a calm sort of feeling, being out in the field yet having nothing to do in particular. With everything that had been going on lately, admittedly he found himself needing some kind of peace. He’d spent hours listening and talking with his mother that day but he still felt uneasy about her acceptance of it all. Ren worried she might feel as though he would leave her to her own eventually after reuniting with his only living relative and couldn’t help but to continuously reassure her otherwise no matter how much she said she knew otherwise. If anything he wanted to include his sister rather than simply run off with her. They weren’t children anymore and had been raised with different hardships, different families-- of course he’d be worried about how things played out from here. He sighed quietly, sitting quietly as he carded his fingers through his hair and decided to focus on something other than his thoughts. 

Being sent out this far, he’d imagined it would have been for a reason but perhaps it was just to keep him from causing more destruction. Really, his Captain thought to give him somewhere quiet to think things over with an abundance of plant life so he could relax for a little while and sort things out. Being at home-- he only wanted to reassure the situation. Working meant a distraction but it didn’t calm his mind. He only looked up when he heard footsteps, mixed hues following along with the stranger for a moment before he simply shrugged it off. It wasn’t as though most humans could see them anyways so he figured he wasn’t in the way. Chuckling quietly at his own thoughts, he perched his jaw in his palm and sighed. “Hey stranger, think it’d be wise to introduce a long lost sibling to the mother that took care of you? Or would that just make things incredibly awkward?” It wasn’t like he was expecting a response, more just thinking aloud. 

              Afraid for him, huh? Well. He supposed he was afraid for himself too but for far different reasons. Then again, Shiro had never particularly been capable of fearing for himself properly. It was how he even ended up the way he was now. Sharp jowls, odd blood, odd everything really. There was a lot they hadn’t discussed yet. Maybe they were just afraid to make it a reality. Maybe Shiro just didn’t want his heart to know just how drastic these changes were. (YOU WISH SO MUCH THAT YOU HADN’T DIED AT ALL BECAUSE OF IT) His heart lurches and he knows these fears are valid. Knows that Itachi has every reason to be afraid of his life expiring again. This was unprecedented after all. Could they truly know the full effects of his returned life? He can’t really meet Itachi’s eyes because he doesn’t know how to answer his fears. Doesn’t know how he could possibly ebb them away as he usually would. 

“I cease to function at random points because I’ve forgotten how to live and feel. Physical contact feels overwhelming, I get startled when I feel hungry, even the feeling of my feet on the ground feels like some obscurity my brain can’t process anymore because I haven’t felt in so long.” His voice is quiet, he doesn’t know what to do. What could he possibly do other than try to explain it? Try to put logic to something that no one could’ve fathomed a possibility? To put logic to something even the person who’d done it couldn’t comprehend? “I don’t think that will happen. Unlike other events in history where possession is rejected because it’s treated like a foreign object, this body is only a modified version of mine genetically. Black kept me in the astral plane, preserved me with the intent of saving me. I don’t think she knew my life would be bought in blood.” (HOW CAN YOU COPE KNOWING IT) 

“A clone. Didn’t think they’d want to keep me so much they’d make several of me to do it.” He tries to laugh but it only sounds broken. (YOU CAN’T COPE) “He didn’t even realize he was a clone either. I tried to warn Lance but I couldn’t make a strong enough connection. All I could do was watch as this person with my face tried to figure out why he was suddenly feeling so wrong. He tried asking for help after he snapped but it didn’t matter in the end. Haggar still got her claws in him and then..” Flashes, he could still remember it. Could remember seeing the way that plasma brushed against Keith’s face and marred it. “Then Keith was forced to fight a copy of the person who’d only shown him care since he was a rowdy teenager getting into trouble. After that I only remember feeling again and waking up in this body. A human base mixed in with Galra genetics and brought back with Altean magic.” 

Could he even be counted as alive anymore? Was he really alive? (YOU CAN STILL HARDLY BELIEVE IT) Dead, undead, alive? He wasn’t sure. “I got sick afterwards. Of course there was going to be side effects. It felt like I had been put through the ringer and Allura suspected this body was rejecting it all. Turned out I just couldn’t cope with being able to feel again, it was too intense and made me sick. I couldn’t cope with the grief afterwards either. This body’s original owner dying, Keith getting hurt, you grieving and just.. Losing everything. I couldn’t really grasp at anything. Even after the illness passed I would randomly stop functioning. I’d stand in place, I’d blank out, things wouldn’t make sense and the most basic things would startle me. I couldn’t keep certain foods down anymore and my teeth and eyes scared them. Forget the fact that I fucking glowed, I looked like I could tear someone’s throat out whenever I got irritated with myself.” 

He’d learned quickly to retain his composure again. Having a devoid expression was better than looking even mildly irritated around his team, his family. “I can explain it all away, can tell you everything that’s transpired and what we know about the side effects and what’s changed exactly-- But I can’t make that pain go away. I can’t convince you that it was a bad dream or that you didn’t lose me.” Fingers combed through white, tightening slightly as he hung his head and sat there like the broken and strange monstrosity he was. “I can’t make it so you don’t feel that loss anymore even if I'm right next to you and it makes me wonder if I should’ve just remained gone. Maybe you would’ve recovered eventually if I had rather than being left to feel like I might vanish at any point now. But I’m a selfish bastard, aren’t I?” There was no helping it. He couldn’t stay away, couldn’t just disappear on him, couldn’t leave his tears alone. Even if he was right next to him, he couldn’t do anything to make any of it fade. 

             Well, perhaps being here wouldn’t be as bad as she thought it might be? It had a good sort of climate and environment for the creatures she’d recently picked up to be relocated. Though this type of work was purely for her own sake than anything else, no one seemed to mind it much if she went missing for a few days so long as she was informative about her tasks. To relocate these creatures they needed a suitable home to take them in and while Earth had similar resources, it was already overwhelmed. So she’d taken to finding some alternative solution and wound up here after some research. “This should do for the land creatures,” the words are muttered to herself before she picks up another pulse. Those electrical waves that humans emitted from their skin was always a tell tale in a way but it had surprised her to find human life on this planet. Had there been some branch off of the species early on throughout their evolution? Or had she perhaps taken too many wormholes to reach this destination? 

the be honest meme. 

8. Name any three things about the rpc that bother you.

1. Container themes. They can be done pretty good, but if I cannot read your writing or if your theme is nothing but sparkles and glowy text, I’m not going to bother. 

2. Prose writing. I don’t.. understand this trend. I really don’t. It’s a lot of flowery words that don’t say much else and doesn’t help to move the story along? I mean, to each their own, but it’s not my thing. 

            as a person of his rank, kakashi rarely condones such displays of weakness, no matter how subtle. not for the men he leads, no. they could have a violent breakdown and he’d be right there, hand in theirs, making sure they don’t end up dead. he sets these limits for himself, their leader. kakashi figures being the captain to a squadron of elites denies him the same sort of comfort he allows his subordinates. 

            maybe it’s the same for itachi, who has his own team, his own burdens. kakashi supposes he can understand the logic behind seeking out another in the same position. captain to captain, there would be no judgement.  (  and perhaps a part of kakashi still views itachi as someone he needs to look after despite the latter’s growth and rank. he started back when the uchiha was first assigned to his team and just . . . never really stopped.  )

            wry quirk to his mouth, he glances sideways at itachi.      “long day, huh?”

                     “Demo...” 

            Itachi could go straight to the hokage, of course. He could do it himself. But there was so much stopping him. So much that kept him shackled to this never ending cycle of mission after missions. The blood on his hands would stain them for as long as he lived so what did it matter, really? He would be leaving his friends, few as they were, to do what--become a civilian? Live a life away from all this despite his training, and his skills and eyes that were meant only for this very way of life? 

    “It always seems that way, if I can be honest.” For as long as the dark fox could recall, the entirety of his life seemed to be filled with nothing but selfishness and unreason, these certain traits he carried coming to display the inner-madness shrouding in on his sanity. He managed to hide these demons, but deep down in his eyes, he is nothing but that of an empty vessel & a broken man. “Somehow this madness is all I know at this point, but your words..” He’d pause briefly, a head tilted and bewilderment becoming clear through his speech. It wasn’t often where someone was delighted at his company, not for nothing people turned their backs on him, not wanting anything to do with him. The fact someone out there felt differently was a bit comforting.

   “Those words of yours make me wonder why you enjoy company like mine, perhaps because we both share a great deal of pain from our past? I have no idea.”