Part 1

‘I was thinking of this new structure for the fence. It’s based on Gaelic fences. It did hold out the romans once so should be keep the infected out too’ you explain to Joel showing him the sketches you had made that were spread on your shared house dining room table 

Joel listened carefully humming softly once in a while as you explained and smiled 

‘What?’ You ask him a little smile crawling on your lips too 

‘I just love listening to you sweetheart’ he says getting closer his hands on your hips

‘You love me talking about fences structure? ‘ you eye him with fake suspicions as you place your arms around his neck

‘I’m a constructor. Hearing my woman talk about constructions is very hot’ he tells you voice low  his nose nudging yours slightly 

‘Mmm is that so Mr Miller?’ You ask

‘Yes Ms YLN, can I call you Ms  Miller?’ He asks. You did not take his surname when you married but you loved being called Ms Miller in this situations, it made you feel his and made him feel yours 

‘Yea if you stop talk about it and breach my fence’ you tell his whimpering as his hands cup your but and squeeze as you yelp

‘Your fence? That is a new way of calling your-‘ he laughs but before he can finish you capture his lips in a heated kiss . He responds immediately kissing you more deeply and roughly as he  Picks  you up and make space on the table papers flying around as he places you on top

‘I’m just improvising Mr miller’ you tell him in reference to the fences joke  as you scramble with  his shirt and he with yours 

As Joel kisses you as your hands roam his chest a baby’s cries fills the room 

Y/n

Y/n

A female voice calls your name 

What?

Your eyes open they are not anymore on Joel but in a bright room, the nurse, Shelly, looks at you with a sympathetic smile holding your crying daughter 

‘hey mama this baby needs feeding’ she tells you with a smile

She places little Tess Sarah on your chest as the baby laces easily to your breast, you wince involuntary as she drinks 

A tear is about to roll down your check and is not for looking at your newborn

It was all a dream, a memory of months ago, it wasn’t real, or at least it no longer was

Joel is dead and you are alone .  You are a widow. Your children are orphans

You open your eyes to day three, as you now call your days. the third day without Joel. Because your life is now divided in before joel's death and after

Your ankle is still tied to the hospital bed. they are too afraid you will do something to follow Joel. And they are not wrong, you thought about it. Constantly. Every breath hurts without him. Revenge is what fuels now, your reason to go on. And you are ashamed of it. You have two daughters, one biological, one adopted and yet killing who took Joel from you is your reason to go on now

Your baby drinks profundly and your nipple starting to ache is what brings back your attention to her. You switch to the other breast as she cries at the loss of your breast. She laces to the other breast and opens her eyes.

You had waited for these moments for months,to hold her, but without Joel holding you all lost meaning

You can’t even look at her as much as you try, her eyes are already like Joel’s. A reminder forever of her dead father, of the love of your life  gone. Who loved her so much and yet got never to meet her

When your daughter is fed you detangle her from you and pass her back to Shelly

‘You don’t want to hold her ?’ The nurse ask you quenstionigly 

‘No it’s okay. She is better in the child basin’ you reply as the nurse just nods, you can feel she is trying to not look disappointed as she place your daughter back in the children basin

‘Ellie?’ You ask. You have not seen her since the birth of Sarah Tess. She is hurt, badly, that is all they told you. You heard her scream and your ankle tied is the only thing that stopped you from crawling to her. They did not let you see her as they calmed her while you shouted for them to take you to her 

‘She is recovering. You could visit her in a couple of days when we clear you for movement’ that is a way of saying it. Considering what had happened on day one, when you begged them to let you join Joel, refusing to cooperate and hoped to die in childbirth. it resulted in chaining your ankle to the bed to prevent you from escaping and doing something stupid as they say

You nod before falling back in the bed and closing your eyes. Hoping to see Joel. Your dreams is the only place you still can see him

-.-.-.-.

Yesterday (Day two)

When you open your eyes after falling asleep after the labour Tommy is there next to you ‘hey easy’ 

‘Where is-’ you ask but before you can finish Tommy interrupts you

'Your baby girl is right here and Ellie is in the next room, she is still sleeping ' he replies tilting his head towards the child basin holding your daughter, but before he can ask you if you want to hold her you interrupt him

As that is not who you are asking for 

 'Joel' you simply say, that is who you were asking about. Not your daughters, tommy faces fall

'Where is Joel' you repeat firmly

'Y/n… ' tommy starts, wiping a hand on his face, the same gesture Joel did when you asked a question he hoped you didn’t. tommy was like a brother to you, someone you loved and counted on, now he was a reminder of the man you had lost

'I want to see my husband' you say again, it’s a statement not a question. You need to see joel, or what is left of him, one last time

'Y/n you are in no conditions to move ' tommy tries 

'Did you bury him? ' you don’t know what is worse , thinking he was put to rest without you saying goodbye or have him somewhere alone without a proper rest 

'No he is still with the others waiting '

You let out a sigh of releaf, is fucked up you know it. Joel should be put to rest but the idea of not seeying him or holding him one last time would destory what is left of your sanity

'Please Tommy I need to see him. please I beg you  I need to say goodbye' you beg tommy crying

'Y/N I can't, I promise you I will bury him with all the care, you know I will, and then when you are better-'

'Please Tommy ! ' You shout that wakes your baby that starts to cry, both of you turn towards her but you don't move from your stance

'should I pass her to you or-' he asks hesitantly but you don't budge

'I want to see Joel. Bring me to him now!'  you shout again as the child cries intensifies

Its too much, he is still grieving and tryng to be strong but all of this is too much so tommy mutters 'I- I'm sorry'  before dashing out

The nurse runs in as tommy leaves

'Tommy !Tommy ! Bring me to him!' you shout as he leaves the room

They can’t sedate you, they don’t have any of it and you continue to shout 'let me out! I need to see joel please!' until you collapse of exaustion

-.-.-

Maria and Tommy stand outside your room, you are still out cold

'She wants to se him and be at the funeral ' tommy tells his wife

'She just gave birth, and it wasn’t an easy one, she can’t move' maria argues. She knows you are suffeirng and that neither you or tommy are thiking clearly, so she must be the voice of reason 

'The first thing she asked me when she woke up was not where her daughters were but where my brother was. She - she is not the Y/N we know. If she don’t see him - ' tommy could barely reconise you. He has seen this film before, when Sarah died and Joel was no longer his brother, you were on the same path

'she is suicidal Tommy we can’t let her out. If she sees him she’ll do it right there' 

'If she doesn’t say goodbye she will surely be. I will be there the entire time she will have nothing to use' tommy shrugs,  Joel had lasted a day after sarah before trying to shoot himself, how long did you have before they lost you too?

'I don’t think is a good idea. She could get an infection in a room full of corpses and with her defences low-'

'I bring her to him and then I bring her right back to the hospital and we keep her here until gale says it’s fine, okay?

I must Maria. She has the right to say goodbye' 

-.-.-.-.-

There are so many dead. Too many for Jackson all laid on the tables with cloths covering them.

Tommy had moved Joel in a small room to give the less chance of you getting an infection by the surrounding  deads 

Tommy opens the door as he wheels in your wheelchair, that is when you see him under a blanket. And is not the one of your bedroom, the one under where Joel worshiped you every morning and night . Is not that blaket, this instead is a bloody blanket on a cold table covering what is left of your husband . 

'why are we hiding under the blanket?' you ask him eyebrow raised, he is smiling widely as the bed sheet cover you both, the light of the ealry morning peaking through

He gives you a smile, the type that is reserved only to you  'so Ellie won't hear us when I'm about to get my breakfast here' he teases, kissing your neck as his hands roam your body

'She is in the garage joel, she can't hear us, and even if, the blanket won't make much a difference' you tell him holding his face to peck his lips, slowly, his beard ticking you

'you can be loud sweetheart, very loud. Now shh and enjoy' he tells you as he gently pushes you back flat at you giggle before he doves between you

This blanket is not the one of your shared bed, is his mortual one. His arm is  peaking outside it, the watch stopped on Sarah’s death time forever engraved  in it

Its real. This makes it even more real. Joel is dead and is not coming back

‘Joel’ you whimper, voice breaking as tears start to stream down 

Tommy recovers from the momentarily stopping the chair to take in the horrible sight of his brother, something he will never erase from his mind  

He pushes the weelchair closer to Joel 

You outreach your hand towards him automatically, like second nature. You always did. Even when you slept you subconsciously reached towards Joel, slipping your hand in his, resting your head on his chest. You always wanted him close. Even now in death. Maybe even more

You touch the sheet covering him

‘Leave me please’ you beg as your eyes cannot leave Joel  

‘No’ tommy replied immediately 

‘Tommy-‘ you sob turning to look at him 

‘I can’t . You are in no condition to stay alone . He is my brother too I have the right to say goodbye ‘

You just turn to look back at Joel. Tommy leaves you there as he sits at the other side of Joel in a sort of way to give you privacy 

Your trembling hands reach for the blanket

‘YN…’ 

‘I want to see him’ you state as you remove the blanket from his face

He is almost reconazable, now that Tommy cleaned him for burial . Still hIs face is so swollen and broken that has nothing of the man you love. 

Love present, not loved. You love Joel miller and will love him until you join him again, and maybe even after 

You take in his beaten features  

How much did he suffer before dying? Did he try to fight back and come back home to you? Did he think of you? Were you his last thought? They had not disclosed much info, saying Ellie was the only one who witnessed it . Was he with Sarah now? Or was his soul still looking out for you?

Your graze his face with your fingertips as you scream and sobs, Tommy gaze avoids you as tears run down his cheeks too

You cradle joel's face as you kiss his forehead . ‘Joel, I’m here baby. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there’ you sob. 

How will you be ever able to think of him and not see him like this? No you can’t . You must rember his smile, the look of pure adoration he gave you, the sensation of his body against yours, his voice schoolding lovigly Ellie. You must rember him that way, alive, happy, yours

You inhale deeply to stable your breath as you press your forehead to his before taking his hand in yours 

You press his hand to you lips. Is cold so cold and stiff, his fingers are now stiffen forever . The fingers that cupped your face before kissing you just yesterday. That held your hand when you walked. That caressed your growing belly . The hands that gave you warmth are now cold forever

You had just finished cleaning your guns when Joel had come back home and as he bent down to kiss you had placed your hand on his back, bare as his shirt had gone up when he had bent down to kiss you

He had shivered ‘your hand are ice cold Jesus. Sweetheart let me warm them’

You had just laughed  ‘What you will be my personal heater now Miller?

‘For you baby? Always’ he had told you as he had kissed your hand before keeping it in his 

You close your eyes, trying to replace this cold sensation with instead the memory of his last touch. As this is the last time you touch him. Soon he will be six feet under 

‘I love you, I love you Joel. Please, please  come back to me come back to us I beg you’ you repeat and beg as a mantra 

There is so much you want to say. That you will avenge him, what his daughter looks like, that life has no meaning without him. But  with Tommy there and you still being considered a danger there is not much you can say. You hope Joel can hear you as you whisper how much you love him and that nothing has meaning without him 

‘You were it for me baby, always been, always will. wait for me okay? We’ll see each others again’

Hours pass and you don’t move, you cant believe this is the last time you touch him, and is already no longer your joel warm and caring, he is cold and already slipped from your fingers

Tommy finally speaks when is almost dark. They only got another couple of hours of light and need to bury him   

‘We need to bury him y/n please’ he begs you placing a hand on your shoulder 

‘No not yet. I want more time’ you say shaking your head. You are not ready to say goodbye not now, not never 

‘We need to , is not right for him, we need to bury him today. Before-‘ Tommy doesn’t finish but he doesn’t need to. Before it becomes too late to put him to rest with dignity, before nature start making its course 

As you shake your head Maria  walk in ‘this is enough. We must bury him’  she says as you sob and she brings you out. You don’t heart her as you call for Joel like a broken record 

Tommy tells Joel to send to Sarah his love before he wraps him up securely in the blanket to Bring  Joel to the burial place.

‘Where are you bringing him’ you sob

‘Eveyone is burying their deads. The council decided to make a funeral and memorial later. For the burial only a few will join us ‘

 Tommy brings in a sleight to put you in and Joel too, wrapped in the burial  blanked, you hold him for the last time as you travel to the place tommy had decided to bury him

You reach the place out of town. Jessie, Dina, and a few other people are there 

Dina can’t even look at you and when she tries to reach you, tears streaming down her voice trembles  ‘Y/n I’m so sorry I-‘

Maria shakes her head and Dina stops, if she tells you know what happened you would crawl your way to seattl. You don’t even hear her your eyes are fixed on Joel body and they never leave him but you had managed to see who was there, and it did not include ellie . tommy had already digged the grave and prepared the cross

'Ellie should be here . She is her kid for gosh sake' you say

‘ They won’t let her out . They say she cannot move her lung was punctured. She begged them but she has trouble even breathing on her own. We cannot risk her life‘ Maria explains trying to leverage what is left of your mother insitcs 'already having you here is a risk for yourself'

You shrug. Is not fair. Nothing of this is fair.

'its time' tommy tells you as he places his hand on your shoulder, you shake your head as you clinge on joel repeating no. 

'we must' maria tells you, dina is crying and avoids looking. Jessy stays strong although seeying you suffer makes it difficult to be so impeccable. He looked up to you, at your strengh, your skills in combact and your kindness

You inhale deeply as you kiss the blanked, where joel head is, ‘I love you Joel. Now and always until my last breath I will think of you’ you swear

maria holds your shoulder firmly as tommy and jessy take joel from your hands 

You hold on his watch , all that is left of him as they lower him down

-.-.-.- 

All is a blur, you were almost catatonic, trapped in your head at the funeral is all a bad dream you kept on repeating yourself. You are the first to throw the soil on joel, as sobs wreak through you. 

Each take turn saying a few words, you get bits and pieces of their speeches

Maria thanks Joel for his service to the community and how good he was to you, Ellie and Benji. How he was family, and how the community and this family lost a key member.

Dina says how much he thought her, how she looked up to him and how she wished she could have saved him . How she didn’t have a dad, but he became the closest to one she ever got. That she loved him too and she will miss him

Tommy is holding up, the only part you understand in the numbness is ‘he protected me all my life, he put me and who he loved always first’, how funny he was before all of this, how he thought him eveything he knows. ‘I love you brother,I’ll take care of your girls I swear’

Others shares stories of joel. How we was a good man, how he helped them.

You are the last one to go. Maria shakes you gently to get your attention and asks you 'you want to say something? Is okay if you don't feel ready. we know how much you loved him, he knew it too'

His smile flashses in front of your eyes, how he was traditional in this things. Texas born and raised. He thought funerals were important. The widow had to speak, or so you thought. You did not want to share with them joel, the parts of him you only knew, all the bits you had left of him were now the most precius thing you had. But you had to, they had to know how Joel, your Joel, loved as no one ever had before, and as no one would probabl again. How with all his issues, scars and anger he was still the most gentle, loving and protective man to his family.

You inhale deeply as you speak, trying to steady your voice

'It would take me days to tells you who Joel Miller was, who he really was, how he gave all his being to the people he loved. What you said is true. He was-' your voice breaks, was, past tense  'an amazing father and husband, a good friend, most of you did not know his soft side, you all that were close to him, knew how much he loved you. He did not say it, he showed it. The way he protected you Tommy, or not argue with Maria when she was demanding' they laugh 'how he trusted you Jessy,  with his most precius thing in the world Ellie, to train her. How Dina he considered you his third daughter, how much he adored teaching you. How he smiled when making Benji laugh. Or how is every action and breath was to make me and Ellie happy' you sob as you start to cry and try to stop it.

 Tommy hugs you 'I'm sorry' you sob 

'shh take a moment. We are not going anywhere' tommy says as he looks at the others that nod. After a minute your breath is steady again. 

 'but that was just a part of how much he loved. How love was the driving force of his life. Even after all he lost and after all he had done. He loved us more than the world.' the others don't know the implications of your words but tommy does

'I was lucky to now it fully his love, his full unconditional love, the testimony of it, via his words and his actions. He never made me doubt it and I wll carry it with me forever until I join him. Joel saved many of us. But the way he saved me and ellie. He saved us in all ways a person can be saved. He was a a husband, a father, a brother,  but Joel wasn’t just that he was saviour, a fighter, a soldier  , a leader, a team member, a teacher. Most of you only experience 1 /10 od the man he was. And that is okay because I knew the real him, I knew Joel Miller better than I will ever know myself. Because he was private and reserved, he tried to hide his scars and rough edges, but if you loved him and was lucky enough to be loved back by him then he gave you his heart and soul to keep. I had the luck to be that person, to know him fully and in a way it makes him even more precius'

Your voice was steady now. They needed to know. they needed to rember joel for who he was for you. Through your eyes of pure unconditional love. 

'You’ll only expiencred a 10th of his love how much he cared for any of you. Most of us knew him for just a few years.  Tommy knows how fucking funny he was when he wanted to be. Dina and  all of you knows how much he cared for the girls he loved as his own daugters. But only I know the depth of his embrace, the care he put in every step, how he would have burned the world to portect the ones he loved, how in way he did it' tommy tenses at your words 

'he wasn’t young. But he was taken too soon, most us lost people much yonger than him. but me, ellie, and I speak for you tommy too, we would give anything to have had more time with him. to get him to love us longer, scold us even, anything. It will never be enough. I thought I would get old with him, I hoped I would go first in total honesty, I hoped it would be here talking about me, not viceversa. I thoguht we would have seen our grandchildren run throguh the street of jackson, or at least hold our daughters together. We did not get that, and is not okay. It will ever be okay. But I'm grateful for what I got, because every second in his embrace was worth more than the rest of my life'

'I could talk about my husband for days. Probably I will never shut up about him again, to make sure you all rember him. now he lives throught all of us. Still for most of you he will remain a mistery  and that is okay, because the ones of us who loved him will have him forever'

When you finish someone says a prayer, as if joel would have given a damm. You let them. They cover the toom with the soil. After some time they all start to leave. 

Maria looks at tommy 'you go, we will be right behind you' he reassures her, she nods. Your eyes are set on his toomb. Tommy places his hands on yor weelchair ready to move you

'I need a moment please'

Tommy wants a a moment with his brother too but he knows he must give you space . He just leaves wordesly, near enough to look at you but not enouh to hear you

You get down from the chair almost crawling on Joel's toomb. The ground is ice cold you don’t vene know how they managed to dig all these graves. You press your face to the soil  the cold is engulfing you but you don’t care. You don’t care about anything anymore 

Tears stream down again as you scream. Tommy flunges towards you but stops when he sees you are not in danger. You are hitting the ground in ager. You have reached the anger stage of grief clearly

'You promised! you fucking promised! How could you leave me? How the fuck I’m supposed to go on without you?  You left me and our kids alone!' you cry. Your kid. The kid he never met

'She has your eyes. I named her after Sarah and Tess as you would have wanted. She is never going to see you. She never felt the warmth of your embrace or the sound of your voice . You made her and you don't not even know what she looks like. you would hate me now. Hate how I’m pushing away our kids. How I rather be with you then with them. How if they didn't stop me I would have joined you already, how I put them in danger for my selfishness to not being able to be without you.  You were the natural parent. You took in every kid you found your way and you loved them fearcely. I’m not like you, I’m selfish. I love you, too much to stay without you . You would hate how much I love you. You would hate how self destroying I am. But I don't care. Because you lost your privilege of deciding about my life when you died and took me with you in a way or another.'

You are so fucking angry now at him, at who took him from you at eveyone.  Your mind went to the last time you had risked your life for his

How mad he had been

'don't trade your life for mine ever again? you hear me? I'm worth nothing. You are worth eveything. I don’t care what happens to me. You live. And you live long and well? You understood me?' he had told you with so much anger, now you felt the same

'I can't promise you I will not join you. I can only promise you that I will avenge you Joel miller damn the consequences . And if I die trying so be it, I don't care. I can't care when half of my sould is 6 fix under. The only reason I'm not next to you now is the fuel of revenge and the love for our daughters. But if revenge wins and they are left without me so be it. They are better of without me anyhow.' 

You wished you had fallen down the stairs that morning. You wished his worst fear would have become true so that yours would have not . You wished you had died before him like you always had planned. But you didn’t. it didn't matter how much you tried. You were now cursed to live. And you would as long as you could get your revenge

'I’ll find who did this to you. Who took you from me, and from Ellie and from our daughter. And I’ll make them pay 10 times I swear. I swear joel. Wait for me okay?' you promise.

 You then go still, sobbing against his tomb. Trying to be near him, wishing the earth would swallow. Your anger replaces by pure desperation. That is when tommy picks you up

'You new to go back to the hospital' he tells you as he places you on the weelchair. You don’t have the strenght to argue

'Please leave me here Tommy please'  you sob but tommy doesn’t care, tears silently stremaing down his face too

'Joel! Joel! Please I want to join him' You shout until your voice is gone

-.-.-.-

Part 1

Part 3

Part 4 (out next week)

Joel Miller masterlist in 'other characters' materialist

Main Materialist

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Day 14

You and Sarah Tess had been dismissed, Ellie instead had to stay in the hospital. 

Is Tommy who brings you home, wheelchair rolling as you hold your baby in your arms

People left flowers and notes all around the white picket fence. Joel had done a lot for this community but you did not think they would so openly show their gratitude

Tommy clearly has already seen them as he follows your eyes trailing on them but is not surprised by the quantity ‘I'll get them when you are ready if you want to read them’

You just nod as he opens the door of yours and Joel’s house, now is just yours you guess, Ellie lives in the garage

Tommy rolls your wheelchair in as you see Joel’s boots by the door, his glasses on the kitchen table, the sofa were most likely Sarah Tess was conceived on, his working utensils box next to the fridge where he left them as he was supposed to fix the freezer the next day. He never did. As he did not get a next day

He was gone and you were alone, in a house now that looked too big, foreign, empty.

Joel was not coming back, this was your reality now, you were a single mother of two, a widow looking for revenge, a woman who would not stop until she got justice, you could not get your life back, you could not get him back, but at least you could get your revenge

Your thinking is interrupted by Tommy ‘I have cleared the house of everyhting that could harm you, knives,  anything you can think of is gone and believe I thought of all the creative ideas you could think off’

‘Should I thank you?’ You ask almost mockingly

‘No, but one day you will. I will come back later tonight. Don't make me close you in this house. The neighbours knows to call me the moment they see you step out suspeciusly`

`yes captain` you reply as he rolls his eyes `be strong y/n. she needs you, We need you ’ he just tells you, his voice softer now as he leaves closing the door behind him

The silence is too much but is also short lived as Sarah Tessa starts to fuss in your arms. You nurse her, but her crying wont stop. 

‘Please baby sleep a bit would you?’ you beg her but she continues to cry

 You get up the stairs and into her nursery to place her in her crib but as the door opens you stop, memories flooding you 

3 months ago

Joel is knelt in front  of the crib now ready, he just finished the last touches and is checking its sturdiness by moving the crib

You enter the room calling for him as you take in his sight.  Sweat runnign down his bicepts as he is in a thank top, he looks amazing, strong and caring and something in you stirs 

‘Its done’ he says as he gets up from the floor

‘It’s beautiful’ but from the way you say it is not clear if you mean him or the crib. He catches it immediately the look you are giving him as if you could eat him whole

'Stop looking me that way' he tells you playfully but firm

'I'm not looking at you in any way' you reply, but you too know that you are lying 

‘The entire reason why we need  a nursery is because you looked at me that way’ he replies smiling  alluding to what he calls your sex eyes, that indeed put you numerous times in situations that eventually lead to your current state 

He comes nears you giving you a kiss first on your lips and then on your head as he hugs your side as you look at the room he made for your baby

‘The room is perfect’ you say, its a testament of Joel's love for you and for your child 

‘I want our baby to get everything’ he states simply, you nod ‘with us by their side they will’ you look at each other for a moment, still mesmerized that you two got to have this after everything that happened, his eyes are soft as he pecks your lips again, slowly and with reverance as is if you were everything, because you are 

-.-.-

Now

When the baby finally falls asleep is night, you want to go downstairs to drink some water when you see the stairs 

'These stairs are a Death trap don’t go on them alone. you could trip and break your neck or hurt the baby  sweetheart'

Joel always said he was obsessed by them.

 It would be so easy to give in to his fear that instead looks now as an escape 

You Look at the stairs ‘it would be so easy just flung myself in it head first. Tommy would find you when he would come check tomorrow . Sarah Tess would be safe with him and Maria, they are amazing parents to Benji more than you would ever been. It would be so easy' you think

‘Don’t . Don’t fucking  do it’ . You hear him. You swear you hear him

‘Not for me . Don’t fucking die for me sweetheart’ it’s Joel voice economy in your head clear as the day 

It was a memory. When raiders had come and joel had been taken, you killed all of them. But they had stabbed you . You were bleeding as joel tried to stop the blood

‘Don’t die for me. Never put your life in danger for me again. you are all that matters’ he had made you swear as he pressed his hand to your wound to stop the bleeding

His voice, his depseration at seeying you hurt stop you from thinking about the stairs.

 You open your bedroom. The bed is made and you hate it, you want it unmade as he used to leave it . 

You press you nose to the sheet . At least Tommy did not change them and they still smell like him. you close your eyes taking him in

The rest is at it always has been, and you don’t think you will be ever able to sleep here again without him. you will move to ellie's old room you decide

You then see his watch on his nighstand, exactly where he used to leave it and you grace your fingertips on it. But you are looking for a particular item, his jacket, hanged in his closet

You Walk to it, and you take it, memories flow you as you sit on the bed hold it as you cry

It was during the first few months of your pregnancy, You and Joel were walking back from the Tipsy Bison after a night there to look over Ellie rather than partecipate at the celebrations. 

Joel’s arm was around you as you walked, it was cold and while you had a jacket you tried not to shiver as you walked. Joel noticed immediately and he stopped in his tracks and took off his jacket

‘Joel what are you doing’ 

He did not falter as he wrapped it around you

‘Joel is cold’ you protested 

'Exatcly' he replied wrapping himself around you as you two walked

'I have already a jacket. So put yours back on!' you commanded

'You carrying my baby . You need another jacket for the baby' he explains as if it made total sense

'That makes no sense'you protest

'Makes perfect sense to me' he replies  'I’ll freeze more in arguing here than you putting the jacket and we go home' he protested back as you shook your head

'you are impossible'

'You love it' he replies with a smug

'No, I love you. More than anything' you promise holding on to him serious now 

He stops in his tracks, as if still to remind him that is the case.

'I love you too baby. Both of you'. He promises you kissing your head  'Now let’s go home' he adds

You continue hugging the jackets remembering him in it, how he kissed you when he came home from working, how he gave the jacket to ellie when she was cold, how he kept your photo in its pocket

You could reminish forever, and maybe you will as memories are what you have left of him  

'I’ll avenge you Joel. And I’ll try to come back and to live for them but not until who took you from me breaths' you swore, your nose in the jacket trying to get the last of him

'If I don’t Ellie or Tommy will and they have their life in front of them. I don’t. You were my life, and I will avenge you. And if I die trying so be it. That is my compromise to you' you say with finality

A promise to you and him, to ellie and to tommy

You put joel jacket on as you look for your emergency bag, preparing it with clothes as Tommy tooo your weapons, you do hve some hidden though.  to go find who took him from you

And you would stop at nothing 

-.-.-.-.-

Joel Miller masterlist in 'other characters' materialist

Main Materialist

Part 1 Part 2

December 2028  - 5 days before Joel's death

Joel  stormed into the house, Gale's words still echoing in his head. He had tried, he was trying, to make good by ellie. He had given her space, went to theraphy. And yet she avoided him. it did not matter how much you tried to mediate, his daughter hated him. and she had every right to

He closed the door with such a force that it made you turn around. You were on the sofa looking at the construction plans for the new houses. Although you were one of the most skilled fighters in Jackson Your patrol days were long gone since you had become pregnant. Now you voted in the council, made sure Ellie and Joel did not do anythign stupid and helped with the urban planning.

You turned around, your husband was clealry shaken 

'Joel, you all'right?' you ask him. he sees you, he was so lost in his brain he had not registered you there

'all right darling. 'm sorry to have scared you' he apologises, hanging his coat. You try to get up, your 8 months belly not very helpful. He sees you struggle

'hey no stay there baby, you need to rest' he tells you voice gentle as he rushes to you. You don’t get up huffing. He is overbearing, but he does it for love, he lost so much, you can't blame him for being scared. Still being treated like glass was something you were not used to

He kneels in front of you and takes your hand in his and kiss it before resting his big palm on your belly. His daughter senses his presence and kicks him.  

He places a kiss right where his daughter had kicked him 'shh baby. Daddy is here, don't kick your mum' he tells her as if he convinced the kicking stops. 

You pass you hand in his hair looking at him lovigly as he reciprocrates your look. He then gets up planting a proper kiss on your lips, his  troubles forgotten.

'how are you feeling?' he ask you as he sits next to you, his hand still on your belly trying to calm his daughter 

'I should ask you that question. You look like you have seen a ghost. What did Gale do to you now?' you ask him adjusting on the sofa. Joel avoids your gaze 

'is it about ellie?' you ask him reading his expression as a book. You place your hand on his cheek gently caressing his unshaved cheeks and giving him a small smile to prompt him to continue

'I want to do right by her. By both of them' he whispers, and changes subject immediately. 'Is she kicking you a lot?' he says looking at your belly as another kick stirkes  your internal organs before calming down as soon as he places his hand on your belly

'How did you know that she is a girl?' you ask him, he knew, even before the ultrasound. 

'I'm a girl dad. Always been, always will be' he replies simply as if it was the most obvious thing in the world 

Sarah was his world, from the moment he held her she made him whole. His baby girl, so perfect, that loved him as he loved her. Taken too soon right from his arms because he wasn't fast enough. When he lost her he did not see a meaning anymore, lasted a day before trying to do the unthinkable.

 Then came Ellie, he did not think he could love again that way. She thought him to be a dad again, and he promised not to screw up this time. He saved her, over and over, and protected her, even if she hates him, he would not change anything, Because he loves her, he loves all his kids in a way that they will never understand.

 Also Dina is his kid, she looks up to him, asks him questions, wants to learn from him, treats him like he is a good man. He cares about her. At least she still trests him like a father.

And then there is your unborn child. A life he helped create, 39 years after he created Sarah. He could not believe he would have another biological child, not at 61. But you made it possible, you gave him the biggest gift he could ask for. And he would protect you and this kid with his life. He would not screw up again. 

'You are. They are lucky to have you. I am lucky to have you. You will do right by them, because you are already doing it. You are a great dad joel, a great husband, a good man. Even if not everyone can always sees it, I do, it's just temporary, Ellie will come along eventually. And this kid? She is already wrapped around your finger, look your touch calms her. Always. That says a lot' you tell him, meaning every word

A lot of emotions pass throug his face. He cannot believe that after all he had done he gets to get this. To get you. To get ellie. To have made a brand new life. To be a dad again , for a thrid time. He failed to protect sarah, ellie hates him, this kid your daughter, he will do good by her, he must. Not many get three chances. 

He just nods eyes teary, as you press another kiss to his lips, he closes his eyes, mesmerizing your lips against his. 

'I love you, both of you' he says as he lets you go to breath, his forehead against yours

'I love you too Joel' you reply eyes closed as you staid there taking each others in. you did not believe it either that after the apocalypse you would get normality like this again

It was in fact to good to be true. He would not make it to the end of the week

.-.-.-.

Day seven (since Joel's death)

You are still tied to the hospital bed most of the time. Freeyijg you only when supervised.  They took away from the room anything that you could use to cause yourself harm. Your daughter your only companion.

They let you see Ellie , moving you on a wheelchair to her, you held her hand as she slept, read her some of her books and held her as you two cried. 

Tommy visits, every day, but he has responsabilities. Dina, Jessy, Maria and Benji come often too. Dina and you cried together as you tell her how much he cared about her. Benji made you smile as he looked at his cousin for the first time. Your first smile in a week, since Joel's death, since life lost all meaning.

You spend most of the time trying to sleep, to recover your strenght, at least in your dreams you see him, his smile. You even manage to feel him, like it was real, then your duaghter cries woke you up.

You manage to hold her now without crying. To distinguish her eyes's from joel's, even if they are the same. The last piece of him left in this world. You love her, as much as you tried not to get attach knowing you will leave her behind in your quest for vengence, your heart still aches for her. 

You are hating it. You just want to go home. More than that you just want the pain to stop. But it can't, it never will. Only one thing could help at least diminishing it, killing who took him from you.

On the sevent day Ellie visits you 

Ellie appeared at the door ‘y/n?’ She asked doubting if to enter or not. She was still laced to the fluid bag and was in a wheelchair . Your expression changes as you see her and give her a sincere smile to see her out of the bed

‘Look who made it out of bed’  you told her sweetly 'how you feeling?' you asked as she rolled in

'fucking great' she humoured you, 'same' you humoured back but your joke did not reach your eyes, 

You placed some of her hair behind her hear lovingly as you two staid in silence, something uncommon for her 

'You want to meet your sister?' you asked her. Sister. It doesn’t matter after 5 years how many times you and Joel called her your daugther she still needs reassurance, especially now that her father is gone, Joel was the first family Ellie ever got. Now you and that girl, tommy an his family are all that is left of it. 

She consider it, fear crawling in her features as she nodded once

'come' you told her as she rolled her wheels and reached you and the basin. The child was sleeping soundly.

Ellie peaked in, taking sight of your daughter for the first time. She extend a finger and sarah tess opens her eyes, lacing her little hand around ellie's finger. The eyes that are exactly like joel's

'She looks - She looks like him' she whispered. The child was undeneable joel's. it had a mix of your features and skin tones but her eyes and expression were all his

'He was a girl dad, always been, always will be' you reply wiping your eyes with the back of your head. Joel Miller saved and loved every girl he encountered in his path until it killed him

'What did you name her?' ellie asks still looking at her

'Sarah Tess Miller. I call her Tess mostly' you reply. The weight of the names sink into ellie

'Oh' she simply states

'Yah '

'That - that's nice' she comments

'Well I think it fits, are two names that hold a lot of love' . And it did Joel loved Sarah and Tess, tess had died for him and ellie, sarah's was joel first love, his daughter, a ghost hunting him until his last breath. It made sense, as he would hunt you until the day you die

'Yah. I think - that he would have liked it' ellie simply replies looking at you now, her eyes teary

'You want to hold her?' you ask her with a small encouraging smile. Ellie nods as you take your daughter from the child basin carefully. She huffs. 'shhh baby, your sister wants to hold you' you tell her with a wisper full of fondness. You show ellie how to hold her before placing her genlty on her arms. 

Ellie is afraid. This baby is small, fragile, too fragile. She knows she is holding the last piece of Joel left on this earth. His blood daughter, 50% of his DNA, 50% of yours. And although Ellie was his spit image in personality and half of his heart, Joel lives through Sarah Tess. What ellie is holding is the most precius thing on earth

'Hey kiddo I'm your sister Ellie.  And I'll be your partner in crime, look your back, and pass you pot when your mum is not looking' ellie says, talking to the child that looks at her with her big wide eyes, same as Joel's. she doesn’t cry and doesn't fuss, only stares at her sister

You stay silent as ellie talks to her.  You look at them, at  your daughters  together. Your eyes sweeled with tears. He should be here, he should see them, how perfect they are, both of them. Instead he is rotting in his grave outside town. Ellie and you are scarred for life and his child will never know him. 

The last pieces of him are all in this room. Are you really going to leave them, your kids, Joel's heart, to find revenge? Could you really be this selfish? He would not want this, you know it. But he probably would have done the same it would have been you. Would the love for his daughters be stronger than the wish to make pay who had took you from him? you did not know. or maybe pretended not to know. 

A single tear runs down your cheek

'You are good with her'  you tell her. And she is. A natural, just like Joel was. She is going to make a great mother one day, if her and Dina ever decide to have kids

'Learned from the best' she says referring to joel. And he was. And ellie knew it. The love and care he had showned her in the last five years were more than most parents showed their kids in all their lives.

You then help ellie places her back in the child basin when is clear that she is done holding her

You giver your daughter your finger to hold and she wraps her little hand around it immediately. You cannot do anything but smile. You love her. Like you love ellie. And yet she was almost never born because of your grief that paralysed you. If ellie had not convinced you maybe neither of you two would be there. It was a guilt you were going to carry for the rest of what you hoped was a short life

'I’m sorry for what you saw the day she was born' you tell ellie looking at her, she avoids your gaze, keeping it on the child

'It’s okay I get it' she replies voice low. As if the day she lost her dad she wasn't about to loose you too.

'No. you should not get it. I hope you never get it . By I’m sorry you witness it, it wasn’t your responability or place. And I will never apologise enough for it. I care about you Ellie, he loved you, I love you but -' you try to explain yourself as tears stream down

'But not enough to stay with us ' she replies blunty

You nod. 'I'm sorry i - I’ll stay for now. then we will see . That is all I can promise you'  

Ellie doesn’t reply. She doesn’t beg you to stay. That without she just would be more scared. She would have if revenge wasn't fuelling her too

'You cannot die. not until we kill those mothercuckers' she replies, her sadness is now pure rage. Not at you. At them. At who took away her family, Joel

'I promise. I will get us your revenge '  you swear with her same tone

'good' she just replies as you two stay in silent looking at Sarah Tess

-.-.-.

Day 13

The doctor comes in for your final checks

'You both are fit to go home. She is healthy and you are on a good path for recovery. If the baby acts strangely like she doesn't cry or doesn't  want to eat bring her in immediately. You are stil recovering so go slow for another couple of weeks' she explains you as you nod 

'So can we go home?' you ask with relief. You want to go home, even if now is only four walls and a ceeling, as your home was Joel not the house. The life you had created together

'Not yet one last doctor must see you. Then your brother in law should come pick you up' she explains closing your files

'what? Who?' you are confused. In jackson each doctor covered most of the practices, it was lucky enough to have doctors. before she can reply Gale appeared on the door with her signature smile, probably caused by the marijuana

'Oh for fucks sake' you reply rolling yours eyes 'serously?'

'I see it's a family thing the swearing' she tells you as she sit down, referring to joel's and ellie's constant swearing

'I'll leave you two' the doctor says and exits

'let me guess. You are here to check if I’m a danger to myself . And depending on that I will be stucked here forever' 

'a bit drammatic but yes. Well you punched two doctors and shouted as loud I could hear from outside the hospital'

'They fucking tied me. They free me only to feed the baby' you scoff

' 'You are suicidal they are doing it to protect you'  she states simply 

You scoff

'They told me what happen when your duaghter was born, how you almost got both of you killed' Gail adds with sympathy

 ' What? I was in panic overwelmed by grief , literally giving birth while my husband was tortured to death in front of our daughter, You guys expect me to be all happy and brilliant?' you rant

'No of course not . But we have to make sure you would not hurt your daughters or yourself'

'I would never hurt them!'  you reply offended by her implying you would hurt your daughters, that would never happen. The day Sarah Tess was born was different, she was in you then and in that moment you did not understand the weight of your own actions

‘ I’m visiting Ellie when they allow it, I'm taking care of my daughter, I will abide to Tommy's stupid safety rules  . You all are worrying too much . I'm trying okay?' 

'I know' she tells you truly 'But what about hurting yourself?'

You stay silent, shaking your head as you then reply truly

'I was okay? but, Right now I’m not - that is not what I want' you reply voice low at least not now. Do you want to die? yes?. Can you? no

'Then what do you want?' she asks you

You fake to ponder  'Uhm let my think' you drammatically put a finger to your chin 'My husband alive, my life back-'

'I think you are more concrete than that' gale says trying to not get exaspeated

You stay silent, but the truth is written all over your face

'You want revenge don’t you?' she states simply as is a fact. Because it is

' Why wouldn’t I? someone arrives, kills my husband, leaves my child an orphan and you think I want to sit here and let them get away with it?' you ask, a dry humorless laugh leaves you at the crazyness of the situaition

'no. but you have responsabilities, a life, lives to take care of . They tell me you are not staying with the child unless to feed her. That you visit ellie just to check on her'  she says looking at your daughter, as you follow her gaze and look at your sleeping daughter.

'She should not get attached to me. It will only hurt more'  you whisper, your eyes on her, as an image of joel flashes in your head

'Because you will kill yourself ?' Gail asks you, 

'I’m not gong to kill myself! but I’m going to bring justice and if that ends with my death so be it'  you reply exasperated and you mean every words 'I don’t know what to tell you gale . I want revenge the consequences are out of my care'

'fine you don’t want to kill yourself but allowing others, actively looking for that situaion, its the same as hurting yourself and Joel would not want this' she tells you, stabbing you would be less paynful

'You looked into his brain for a year and you think you know my husband better than me?' you scoff

'So you know I’m right'

And the probelm is she is . Joel would hate you to see you this way, would despise you for not taking care of yourself and your daughters, for searching revenge instead of being safe. He would shout at you. You know it but you don’t care

'He wanted you and your girls to be safe and healthy. With out without him . He always spoke about you and this child, he was making me get sick! . If I heard about those damn stairs another time.' Gale tells youwith a laugh  as you stay silent 'He loved you more than anything. You, ellie, and sarah tess were all that maattered to him. so if you love him, protect what he loved, live. Live for him. that is all he wanted, and you know it'

A tear runs down your cheek as you wipe it fast, becasuse she is right, and that hurts. Because that is what he told you over and over. That he did not matter, that you mattered. And he wanted you to be safe

'Believe me I know how you feel . Nothing makes sense without him. But you got two daughters you have a responsibility towards them' gales concludes, you are staring in the void when you finally speak

'How do you do it?' you ask her, she is a widow, well partially thanks to Joel, how fitting

'I smoke weed and I’m ancloholic I'm not an example' she tells you with a laugh

'At least you did not put a bullet in your brain'  because the thought right now is temping you think

'So what is stopping you?' she asks with sad eyes

'The idea to put a bullet through their brain' you reply

'and then?'

'and then I come back here and raise my daughters. Listen you can keep me here until I really do turn insane, or you let me out and let me take my chances?' you tell her giving up

'I just hope you are doing the right thing, for them'  she tells you looking at Sarah Tess 'you can go, tommy will pick you up. Just don't make me regret it, I don’t want to tell you daughters you are the reason they are orphans' she tells you and with that she leaves

-.-.-.-

Part 1 Part 2 Part4 (last part)

Joel Miller masterlist in 'other characters' materialist

Main Materialist