#tlou reader insert

It’s not the sun that wakes you, is the consistent feeling of your unborn child kicking your internal organs. You try to fall back asleep, whimpering at a particular hard kick. The feeling is sued when Joel’s large hand starts tenderly caressing your belly magically calming your child. 

His back is pressed against yours, his lips are on your shoulder as he tries to calm his child that would not let you sleep with slow caresses on your gaping belly

‘They wants to get out’ you tell your husband. Your child is kicking less, calmed by his father’s touch 

‘Just one more month baby and they  will’ Joel whispers giving you a kiss on your head

'want to distract me ?' you ask seductively pushing back your butt against his front that is hugging you. he groans at the contact. He would love to take the offer up but he can’t 

 'baby don't be unfair. You know that I need to go on patrol. When I'm back we can spend the rest of the day in bed. Try to rest now ' he tells you with a tender kiss on your head

You hate it when he leaves, not knowing if he is safe, not being able to back him up. You used to go with him on patrol always, you did not trust anyone else, not even Ellie or Tommy but since getting pregnant he managed to talk you out of it. You agreed more for his peace of mind than else. After all he had lost he was paranoid of loosing you too.

'you going with Ellie?' you ask, when they are together they are stronger, and after yesterday night you think you can have your family back before the new addition arrives. They talked and they started to make ammends. You can have your daughter back 

Joel gives a faint smile at the mention of your adopted daughter, a smile that you had not seen on his handsome face in months since their fight . He is getting dressed as you admire the view

'I'll go with Dina, let Ellie sleep. She will help you down the stairs‘ another of Joel paranoids, you falling down the stairs while pregnant.

'okay. Be safe. I love you' you  tell him, he comes next to the bed then he bends down hovering you and giving you a kiss. You kiss him back, your lips lingering longer as if that would keep him there with you. You pass a hand on his dark curls that have started to turn grey as he hums in appreciation

'promise. I love you too, both of you' he tells you , cupping your belly as he kisses you again, you cup the back of his head trying to keep him with you as you deepen the kiss. His thumb graces your cheek

'I need to go baby. I'll be back soon. You rest'  he asks you with pleading eyes and a last kiss as he exits the door

You are left alone in your shared bedroom 

.-.-.-.-.

Ellie wakes at the sound of jessy pounding the garage door. After an embarrassing talk about her kiss with Dina, Ellie is ready to go 

'I need to help y/n down the stairs. Joel is obsessed about it' ellie explains as she opens the main house door, Jessy behind her as she find you in the kitchen and rolls her eyes in exasperation

'morning' you tell her as you pile up the pancakes

'for fuck sake y/n. you did the stairs alone again?' ellie asks exasperated. She tried to hide it but she shares joel's fear

'oh come on. Don’t be like joel. Have breakfast now. You too Jessy' you tell her serving two plates as they sit down

'he wanted to go with you but he preferred to let you sleep' you tell ellie with a small smile as you see her looking around 

'yah' she says only before digging in her food 

You all eat before the youngster go to the door. Ellie helps you putting your shoes on, even If you complain, although your belly prevents you to lace them up

'ellie' you call her. Jessy steps outside giving you privacy, giving you a nod with his head in ackowldegment.

  'I'm happy you two are starting to make amends, he misses you. I miss you. I want your sibling to arrive in a united family' you say with a small smile passing your hand on your bump, the other is on her shoulder. Her eyes are lucid, as if she still needed reasurance to know that she is your daughter for you, you extend her your hand. She takes it.

'Will be better than the Fullers' ellie jokes. You smile giving her a kiss on the head 'be safe out there. don’t do anything  stupid ' you reminder her

'you too. Sit down before you pop here' she replies. You laugh as she exits the house

.-.-.-.-.

Joel’s panick surges when he sees Jackson on fire and the hoard going towards it

Y/N 

Ellie

His unborn child 

Tommy and his family

His family needs him, you need him. He needs to go back and protect you damn the consequences 

‘I need to go back’ he tells Dina and the girl they just met preparing the horse to run

‘You will not make it’ the girl tells him

‘If I don’t make it I don’t make it. They need me’ he says worry eating him alive

‘We are close!’ The girl shouts, convincing him that her group can help him 

That decision would cost Joel his life and would cost to you everything

-.-.-.-.-

It all happens too fast. One moment you are cleaning the guns the next the bell Is ringing.

Joel

Ellie

 You are on the street, gun in hand in a second going to the main road. Tommy sees you from up the wall, he runs down concern in his features

'are they back?' you ask franatically holding the gun

'not yet. you need to hide' he tells you 

'I need to go find them' you reply going for the gate

'you will be dead before you reach them. Go hide. They must be hiding too' tommy tries to make you reason 

'I can fight' you reply. You cannot hide, not when your husband and daughter are not back, not when you don’t know if they are alive 

'I know  you can. But I need you to go hide. Look, I'm already worried about joel and ellie, and I cannot fight the hoard if I’m worried also about you. So help me out' he pleads. 

The logic is there. You put your pride aside. What is the point of worrying about them if you get yourself killed?

'okay' you tell him, 'good' he replies 

You go take shelter in the hospital. So at least you can help when the invasion ends. You join the rest of the population not deemed to fight in the basement. All you can do is wait and hope. 

Your child feels your dirstess and  kicks  you from the inside

'don't worry baby, your dad and sister will be okay, they must be' 

.-.-.-.

Joel ponders if to plead for his life. For your sake more than his. But what if they go after Ellie then? What if they go after you? They already threatened to kill Dina, who is just a girl. What would stop them from killing you too?

He cannot risk it. 

In the end he deserves it. The girl is right he killed her father without a thought. The irony is that she is killing a father too

His kid. He will never meet his kid. This was his third chance of being a father. At not screwing up like he did with Sarah and now Ellie. It was too good to be true. No god was that merciful to give you three chances 

He thinks about you. I don’t even get to say goodbye  

At your laugh, at you love. Will you be alright without him protecting you? You will have Ellie and Tommy. You all will look after each others, you must

He is scared though. Scared of your rage.   Of what you could do without him. But he cannot risk your life in a mere attempt to save his own

Please forgive me love

He begs you as he think about your arms that tried to cage him in the bed this morning,  at your face when you concentrate, at you and Ellie singing, at you whispering I love you as is it was a secret against his skin

And that is when the golf club hits him  

-.-.-.-.-

Its the quietness that allerts  that the worst is over. The nightmare has ended, now the city must pick up the pieces

Little you know that your worst nightmare is about to begin

Joel. Ellie

You need to find them. You need to find your family.  Now that is all quiet they must be back. You try to call them via radio, no reply. 

'they must have waited for the hoard to leave. They wll be back soon' maria tells you, you nod, worry eating you alive. Something is wrong you can feel it in your guts.  You reach the gate helping out in the meantime to distract your mind

‘Where are you Joel? Where are you Ellie?’ You keep on thinking . You try to ignore the terrible feeling that is creeping in your heart, that something is wrong, terribly wrong , you hope you are wrong 

Hours pass until the horses are seen by the guards 

'horses!' the sentinel shouts, you drop eveything and go to the gate. The gates open revelaing two horses and three people. Jessy, Ellie and Dina. No Joel. 

Tommy arrives in a second 'you okay?' he asks them

Ellie is crying, Jess barely being able to hold her. Dina can't look at you 

'ellie are you okay?' you ask standing next to her horse. She doesn’t reply, you don’t think she even heard you

'she has a broken rib most likely' jessy replies avoiding your gaze, you nod 'is going to be okay swetheart' you try to reassure her. A sob is all you get in return 

'where is joel?' you ask , Ellie turns, looking behind her and you see it . the horse has something attached to a rope and something wrapped in a blanket, shaped as a man

'where is joel?' you repeat, tommy eyes widen as he falls on his knee next to you. He cannot tear his eyes away from the figure in the blanket

Jessy helps Ellie down, she can barely stand as some of the medics arrive and take her

'where are you bringing her?' you demand, 'she needs a medic, now' jessy stresses

In any other situaion you would run to her but your mind is not processing what is happening . It feels like a nightmare that is not allowing you to wake up. The medics reassure you that they will take care of Ellie. You let them

'where is joel!' you demand again to all and no one. 

As they take her Ellie registers what is happening and turns around 'joel' she cries looking at the balnket as the medics tear her away as she tries to reach it. Your eyes can't tear away from the figure too now

Maria looks between her husband and you. Her mind already made the math. You are too in denial to even process it 

Tommy crawls to it. 'y/n'  maria says careful, looking at the scene in front of her. You look at her as she is crazy. Tommy reaches the body freeying the head of the blanked.  Tommy screams and cries as the face is revealed 

You see him.  Your brain registers the truth. 

your lover, you husband, your other half of your soul. Unreconizable, bloody, broken, dead.  

. I didn’t  even get to say goodbye  

'no. no. is not true' you cry tears forming in your eyes as you rush next to tommy crunching down, and feeling joel under your fingertips you craddle his head in your lap directly over yoir belly . Or at least what is left of his face 

'joel. Joel! Wake up . Wake up handsome come on!' you shout, there is no reponse.  'joel come on. You must wake up. I need you, ellie needs you, we need you' . Still no response 

‘Quick we need a doctor! Help me! Don’t stand there’ you shout at your in laws 

‘He is dead y/n’ Maria carefully says to you as Tommy cries in her chest 

He is dead. Joel is dead. Your husband is dead. The father of your child is dead. 

You heart shatters in fragment so small they can never be pactched back together 

You will never see him again. call his name, hear is voice. His lips against yours. His breath in your hear. The steadiness of his body against yours. The music he made with his guitar. The sound of him arguing with ellie. His hand on your belly. His smile as he told you I love you like a promise 

He will never hold his child.  He will never know his child. Your child is an orfan. You are alone 

Your family is broken without repair. You are broken without repair. What is the point of living now?

Your heart and soul is gone. Nothing remains of you 

'oh god please no. please no. joel! Please!' you wail and sob and scream 'wake up! You promised. You fucking promised!' you shout as you cry on his body 'please! Joel!' you sound like a broken record as you scream. Maria is next to you trying to calm you.

Your heart is broken. There is nothing anyone can do for you . Not anymore. Your entire life is what is the now dead man in yoir arms 

Your screaming suddenly changes as you feel another type of pain. Not the umberable pain of your love being teared from you, but a phisical one, in your stomach. You fell a wetness in your legs

Your water just broke. As your husband leaves this world, you child decides to join it

You just hope in the process it will allow you to join joel

-.-.-.-.-.

You are rushed to the hospital. Tommy woken up by the situation doesn’t think twice before tearing you away from Joel’s frame and scooping you up in his arms and running to the hospital 

You kick and scream not wanting to leave Joel there. 

‘Let me go!’ You shout , you even punch Tommy but he doesn’t fade. He must do what Joel would have done. Protect you . He scoops you up and fighting is useless 

‘We can’t leave him here !’ You shout as Tommy brings you away from Joel. ‘Joel!’ You scream as if he could get up and stop Tommy 

‘I’ll come back for him I promise. But first I need to bring you to the hospital’ Tommy swears

‘Please let me go’ you beg him but Tommy doenst fade . You continue sobbing against his chest 

'she is in Labour' maria tells the nurse. The hospital is packed in the atermath of the attack. People screaming and crying. Your ears are deaf, your mind in blank as the only thing you see is your dead love 

They put you in a hospital bed. Tommy is holding your hand trying to suit you 

'please let me die. Please' you beg them 

Why live? What sense had life without joel miller in it?

You don’t hear them as they asses you. You are just repeating ‘Joel’ and ‘please’ 

Tommy shakes you. Gently but firm 

‘You need to push please yn’

‘No’ you just reply shaking your head as you sob ‘he should be here holding my hand. I cannot do it without him’

Joel wanted this baby so much, always talking how he would be there and help you in the labor, how you did not have to fear as long as he was there. Now he wasn’t and you were scared

 ‘If you don’t  you both will die’ Maria argues to try convince you, if not for yourself then for your baby 

‘I don’t want to. just let me die. I beg you please. I can’t do it without him. I won’t’you just shake your head . Your mind is blank you can only see Joel bloody face and repeat his name. Everything else does not make sense

‘She is under shock’ the nurse tells them ‘normally we would sedate and do a c section but we run out if it. We must do the old natural way. So she must cooperate’

Maria and Tommy exchange a look, before Tommy speaks 

‘Joel loved you and loved this baby. He would want to see you live both of you. You know it y/n. It would break his heart to see you waste both your lives on him. You know it. I know you do.’

The child that Joel craved so much is your now curse to life. You wanted this child. You had waited for them. With joel speaking to them. You loved this kid. But right now you hated life more 

‘I don’t care what he wated. I want to join him please tommy. Just take them out, save them and let me go in the process. Please’ you plead 

‘Ellie and the kid needs you. You need to live for them’ Maria pleads you 

You hear ellie scremaing next room she must have woken up and realise that her father is gone. That the person who loved her the most is dead. That she is an orfan again. You are all that is left for her

You ponder for a minute. Your children need you. But you are too selfish. Joel was the selfless one. Joel would have lived for them. You couldn’t 

‘Take care of them. Please’ you say with finality. Your sobs have quieted. ‘I won’t push. If you want to save this child you will take them out. I give you my consent. Save them and let me go’ you fall back in the bed as the nurse looks at Tommy unsure on what to do  

‘Give me a minute’ Maria tells Tommy and the nurse 

She exist the room and run to Ellie who is still screaming 

‘Ellie! Ellie!  listen o me . You need to help y/n. The baby is here and she doenst wan’t to push. She is going to die too if you don’t convince her’ Maria explain as she shakes here 

The girl stop screaming as she silently cries ‘bring me to her’ Maria pushes the bed and brings her to the crowded room 

You see her. The girl who you call daughter. A tube sticking out of her , in a hospital bed

‘Y/N  please fuckinh listen to them’ she asks you. She is still crying and at the scene in front of you, your will falters. Are you that selfish to risk your child life with your stubbornness ?

‘I’m sorry I can’t . Please let me join him. Tommy and Maria will take care of you. Of both of you’ you tell her avoiding her gaze ‘now leave please. They need to take your sibling out. I don’t want you to see’

‘Mum’ ellie cries ‘ I need you. I lost him. We lost him. I cant loose you too please. Please’ she begs you. 

She has never called you mum before. No matter how much you wished it secretly. But you don’t deserve the title anymore not after what you did, risking your unborn child life and deciding to abandon both your kids 

‘I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry. I can’t. Even if I stay now I can’t promise I will stay tomorrow’ you tell her asking for her forgiveness . At least they could tell your child you died in labour, not that you abandoned them willingly 

Ellie understands you, part of her wishes she had joined Joel at the chalet but now something else fueled her will to live 

‘I need you to. We need to make them pay’ 

Revenge. That is what wakes you. And you hate yourself for that. Not your pleading daughter but the promise of killing who took Joel from you 

You will deliver this baby. You will avange Joel and then join him. That is your compromise 

‘Okay. I will push’ you say. Everyone sighs in relief and you deliver a baby girl 

She looks already like him. The name choice is obvious

Sarah Tessa Miller 

Joel was cursed to live in a world without sarah. 

 Now sarah was cursed to live without him in it

Part 2 Part 3 part 4(last part)

-.-.-.-

Joel Miller masterlist in 'other characters' materialist

Main Materialist

Suddenly the handle on the door to your room jiggled, making the breath stutter in your chest.

The low voice on the other side of the wooden barrier made you jump. “I’ll give you to the count of three, otherwise I’m breakin’ this thing down.”

You gulped.

“One.”

Silence.

“Two.”

A beat more.

“Three.”

Suddenly the door swung open, the latch busting into pieces and skittering across the floor as the hulking frame of a man barreled through shoulder first. Just behind him you saw a teenaged girl peeking in curiously from the top of the steps.

“Sorry,” you mumbled, offering a timid smile. “I’d have met you at the door, but,” you looked down toward the bundle in your arms, the smile turning more genuine. “My hands are full.”

“Holy fucking shit,” the teenager mumbled, before trying to make her way around the grumpy looking man. He caught her by her backpack, not allowing her any closer, to which she turned a skeptical look his way. “Really, Joel? It’s a baby. What’s it gonna do, drool me to death?”

You snorted a laugh, arching an eyebrow at the man- Joel’s unimpressed look your way.

“It’s a toddler. They’d scream your ear off b’fore they’d drool-” He stopped when he glanced from the tiny human in your arms who looked up at him with wide, curious eyes, and focused back on the teen, finding her already looking at him with raised brows.

After a moment he released her with a sigh, and she took a few tentative steps your way, wide grin climbing up her face.

“How would you know, anyway?” She teased the man without sparing him a glance.

The look he shot at the back of the girl's head made you want to grin, but you successfully tucked it into the top of the little human’s head in your lap.

“I’m older ‘an you. Been ‘round the block a few times, is all. Know a thing or two.” His voice was a rumbling grouse, the dry tone exasperated and saying he’d been here a time or two before, this argument worn and thin.

“Yeah, because you’re ancient,” she mocked.

“Ain’t that old,” he grumbled.

“Dirt is younger, Joel.”

“Not worried I’m infected?” You kept your voice calm, not wanting to poke the angry bear known as Joel.

The girl smiled in a way that said she had more to say than what she was telling as she knelt next to you. “No. Not really.”

“Ellie,” Joel groaned, taking a step closer as the teen sat next to you, her shoulder lightly bumping against your own as her back pressed against the wall.

“I’m not, by the way,” you looked between them both. “Infected.” Looking down to the toddler in your arms, snorting as she tried to hide further into your threadbare shirt, you couldn’t help but smile softly. “Neither is she.”

“What’s her name?” Ellie reached out a finger for the little one to hold. It was taken tentatively, and given a firm shake like she had seen countless adults do around her in the QZ you’d been in before.

It made Joel snort out a laugh through his nose.

“Sarah.”

The laugh turned into a choking sound, quickly melting into a coughing fit as Joel bent over at his waist, bracing his hands on his knees as he fought for air.

“You okay, old man?”

You tried to stifle the smile Ellie’s comment brought to your face before you turned your gaze back up to Joel once again.

After a long moment, he stood up straight with a huff. “Fine.” Another long pause. “Just swallowed wrong.”

Ellie seemed happy to ramble on about just about anything, so long as she had a captive audience. Before her endless stream of nonsense paused around noon so that she could follow a deer trail she spotted, you’d heard Ellie’s views on everything from descriptions of her last hunt to a summary of the last comic book she’d found. You listened with just about as bored an expression as you could manage. Why the fuck did she think you cared about her life? But she was the one driving, so there wasn’t much you could do. At least it looked like her nattering at you for hours on end appeased Joel, who you could have sworn you caught almost smiling once or twice.

When no one was willing to listen, she whistled. When she wasn’t allowed to do that, she read. It seemed an awful waste of pack space to let her bring magazines, and that on top of all the talking she did made you wonder why Joel had even brought her along at all. Surely the damn kid was just a liability. But whenever Joel was awake—which was, admittedly, most of the time—he glared at you every fucking time you threatened her. Hell, he even seemed to orient himself around her, like she was his sun, the entire damn center of his universe.

But you still couldn’t figure out exactly what the fuck the two of them were doing. You didn’t just drag children into those kinds of situations, not unless you were trying to repay some debt, or at least trying to look like you were. But Joel and Ellie knew each other—what was more, they seemed to like each other. Ellie called him “Joel” happily, not like a kid trying distance itself from a shitty parent. Besides, Joel was way too old to be her dad. But then, he didn’t act much like he had around girls that age.

So what did Joel gain from keeping Ellie around?

“Anyway, after that, it was a pretty simple job of untying the knot. Boy, Joel sure was lucky to have me around for that. Not that he thanked me for that rescue either.”

“Kid,” you said, not bothering to keep the haggard note from your voice. “Do you ever shut up? How the fuck haven’t you got you and your friend turned into fucking Clicker chow by now?”

“Because,” Joel said testily as his horse clopped up beside Callus Two, “she can actually take care of herself, and knows to keep her fucking voice down.”

Instead of bothering to respond to him, you glowered. Joel was, as of that moment, an unknown. He barely spoke unless he wanted to tell Ellie what a mistake you were. During those times Ellie had run off to chase after rabbits and left you alone with Joel, it seemed pretty obvious that he had to restrain himself from shooting you.

“Keep it up, Ellie,” he added with a nod in her direction.

“Oh, we have a guest party member that Joel doesn’t like, so I get free rein to do whatever I want?” She beamed. “I’m going to have to adopt people more often!”

“Don’t even think about it.”

With another scowl in your direction, Joel picked up Shadowfax’s reins, and the horses started to move again. You let a long breath of air out of your nose as you looked around. The forest was starting to thin. Judging by the direction your troop had been moving the past day and a half, you were now farther west than you’d started. What that meant, you had no idea. It was not as though state lines meant anything those days.

But it did mean that you were getting sick of traveling with Ellie and Joel. Owing Ellie so much was just another bur under your skin. As you stared around, you leaned farther back from her, farther and farther, until you could only see the sky.

The horse below you whinnied. That was the only warning you had. The very next second, it reared. Your arm scrabbled around Ellie; your breath came fast in your ears, but you certainly hadn’t regained any of your missing balance. Before the horse had even thought of setting its hooves back on the ground, you fell backwards, landing on your back with a single, loud expletive.

“See, now,” came Joel’s voice from somewhere above you. “Ellie would have known not to shout at something as simple as falling off a fucking horse.”

“Fuck you,” you growled as you sat up.

Your head spun, but through that haze you could see that Joel had stopped his horse right in front of Ellie’s. He stood on the ground while Ellie, still perched atop Callus Two, looked irritably between the two of you. Her expression changed when she caught yours, swiftly rearranging into one of vague concern.

“It was time to dismount anyway,” she said hastily, as though this fact would somehow make you feel less shitty.

In a trice, she had got her two feet back on the ground. As much as you loathed the idea of following either of them anywhere, your only other option was sticking around the edge of the forest, waiting to be eaten. You stood and attempted to appear haughtily unconcerned as you took several steps past them.

“Why bother with the horses if you can’t ride them all the way?” you asked over your shoulder.

“That’s none of your business,” said Joel, but Ellie ignored him:

“Safety precaution. We still have to get identified before they’ll let us, and we don’t want the horses shot out from under us while we’re too far away.”

“So we’re almost there?” you asked.

“Yeah, it’s that right there.” Ellie gestured to a building in the distance while she stroked Callus Two’s nose with her other hand.

“That’s a power plant.”

“And that’s where we live.”

Well, by then you’d seen plenty of other stupid-ass ideas. You supposed living in a power plant was one of the better ones at least. Ellie interrupted your staring by wordlessly holding out a trio of dead rabbits. Although the ends of your mouth pressed down, you took them just as silently, then went back to looking while the rest of the meat got divided up between her and Joel for transportation. Whatever Ellie had said to the contrary, her community didn’t look like much—not enough to give up your freedom for, at any rate.

“Ellie, I’m telling you, this is a bad idea.”

As usual, Joel didn’t bother to keep his voice down when he spoke about how much he didn’t want you there. Not that you could blame him. If it wasn’t for the fact that Ellie had taken your gun (“until you can show me you can use it responsibly”), you would have shot them. If it wasn’t for the fact you were pretty sure even the fucking teenager could wrestle you to the ground, you would have stabbed them with the knife Ellie kept lending you. Because that would have meant you didn’t need them. Joel had you pegged much better than the kid, which couldn’t have been more apparent than when she whispered back:

“No, it’s not. She hasn’t hurt us.”

“Because she can’t.”

“So, what were we supposed to do? Just leave here there to die?”

“Ideally.”

“Well, you know what, Joel? I—”

“You owe it to the world. Yeah, I know. Would you reel in the Messiah delusion for ten seconds? We don’t even know her name!”

Whatever Ellie’s response to that was, you lost it. Even just standing there exhausted you. If there was food and shelter and—most importantly—a break from Ellie’s voice ahead, you weren’t going to wait around to find it. Maybe the rabbits would provide you with enough of a toll to pay your way inside. Who was going to believe that she killed them anyhow? Fifteen-year-olds weren’t taught how to hunt small game.

The ground beneath your feet slanted downwards. The tilt, combined with the remaining after-effects of chopping off an arm, had you stumbling forward. But at least you were moving, without a horse or Ellie or Joel to carry you. You certainly hadn’t been capable of that much the day before. Maybe you would only have to stay a night! Then you could give Ellie her knife back, show her that you weren’t someone to trifle with, and then disappear again. After all, you’d already learned the hard way that civilization didn’t always engender civility.

Something ahead gleamed in the sunlight, causing your awkward loping to come to a halt. Your eyes flicked up toward the gate ahead. Surely they got stragglers out in the middle of nowhere like this. If anything, hunters would want to cut through just to see if they could collect anything useful. You did not, however, want to appear to be a threat. Getting shot through with bullets so close to relative safety would not be conducive to your plans to survive.

The gleaming got closer, then materialized into a chain-link fence. It didn’t look new, exactly, but someone had obviously gone to the trouble of scraping off some of the rust. A low humming emitted from the metal. Confused, you stepped closer still, hand outstretched—

—only to feel someone else’s massive hand clutch the back of your jacket right before they threw you forcefully to the ground. Stars popped across your vision, but not so distractingly that you couldn’t hear Joel’s angry snap:

“Are you trying to get yourself killed? Are you really that fucking stupid?”

Your face twisted once more into scowl, though you didn’t bother to sit up that time. Pain rocketed up and down your spine. If your missing arm didn’t kill you, the broken back Joel was going to give you fucking would. Be that as it may, your constant angry reaction to things only seemed to be giving you a reputation for not having any fucking clue how to live on your own. You didn’t even want to look at Joel. Giving him the satisfaction of seeing how frustrated you were would only make things, in your opinion, worse.

Ellie stepped into your field of vision, her eyebrows raised. “It’s electrified,” she explained.

That got you sitting up again. “No fucking way!” you said, almost too impressed to work in your regular note of sarcasm.

Without missing a beat, Ellie bent, plucked a piece of grass from the near-barren dirt, and then poked it at the fence. A spark shot up. A moment later, she held the blackened stub of vegetation out toward you.

You could not help widening your eyes. “You guys have electricity?”

“Most of us aren’t stupid enough to walk straight into the fence,” Joel said. “But if you’re all that keen to die, go ahead. Save me the fucking trouble.”

“What the fuck did I do to you, bastard?” you demanded hotly, mostly to cover the cold rushing through your veins at the thought of how close you had come to being fried. You weren’t about to tell fucking Joel thanks for saving your life, though.

He opened his mouth to reply, but he didn’t have the time to do so before two figures walking across the grass towards captured your group’s attention.

“Hey there, Joel,” a man said as he approached.

The humming, you noted, had stopped. If you weren’t so sore from falling so much, you might have tried to clamber over the gate before anyone could stop you. As it was, you couldn’t, and had to content yourself with observing the newcomers.

“Hey, Tommy,” Joel said shortly.

The other man didn’t look at him. This “Tommy” appeared younger than Joel, much less gray, and had longer hair. Still, his resemblance to Joel was unmistakable, even if the openly fond look he shot Ellie wasn’t similar to any expression you'd seen on Joel's face at all.

Behind Tommy stood a woman with a scowl drawn permanently into the skin around her mouth.

“Hey, Ellie,” Tommy said with a wink in the kid’s direction. “How was the trip?”

“Great!” Ellie grinned. “We got some rabbits.”

All eyes fell upon the rabbits sitting next to your shoes. Perhaps Ellie was afraid of explaining you because she jogged a few steps backward to take Shadowfax’s bridle and added:

“And a deer. A whole fucking deer!”

“That’s great, Ellie!” Tommy said enthusiastically. “Did you get it yourself this time?”

She looked a bit crestfallen at that. “Well…No. But I’ll fucking do it next time, mark my words!”

Tommy laughed and made to open the gate. “I’m sure you will.”

“If there’s a next time,” Joel said.

When you looked at him, his eyes bored into yours. Suddenly, the woman stood in the space Tommy had opened, her gun pointed straight at you.

“Is she a problem?” she asked, her voice cold.

Tommy frowned at you, but made no attempt to prevent the woman from shooting you.

“Yes, I’m a fucking problem,” you answered hotly. “I—”

“We brought a friend!” she cried into the tense silence.

You scowled more deeply still at the “friend” comment, but if it got you past the electric fence, you’d forgive it. After all, you hadn’t eaten since the day before your disaster of a hunting trip.

“Ellie brought a friend,” Joel grumbled.

Neither Tommy nor the woman moved. Ellie took a deep, shaky breath, then tugged you to your feet and forward. Their eyes fell upon your stump, then quickly shifted back to Ellie’s face.

“She’s hurt,” she said. “She can’t make it on her own.”

“I—”

“Shut up,” Ellie muttered.

Tommy and the woman’s eyes met, then Tommy shrugged. The woman looked just as happy about the situation as Joel did, but she took a step back before stuffing her pistol back into her halter. Joel shoved past you, and even Ellie was quick to take off after him. With your heart pounding in your throat, you snatched up the rabbits.

Although he did not smile, his voice remained casual as he made to lead you down to the power plant with only a soft, “Welcome to Jackson.”

Amber.

Ever so prevalent in nature, in soil, in earth. In every single crevice of the trees that surrounded God's green earth, the shades of fur on the animals you hunted for food and for survival, the dried out and dead leaves. The dirt that slipped through the cracks and through your fingers, the clay and rust you had grown up on.

The color of his worn-out irises, speckled with the most beautiful green forest - the reassuring hazel, the burnt amber, the deep brown that gleamed just a bit lighter with each passing day into the spring. With each step taken with purpose, getting closer to the goal that clouded over his racing mind.

The shade of the bitter yet oh-so-sweet liquor gently swaying inside the glass bottle, of the gentle heat in your throat. The reflections against the transparent confinement, sometimes a neat crystal and most of the times a scratched bar glass. The ease in the limbs with each consecutive sip of fire emanating throughout the skin, the leftover taste of honey in the mouth, the tremor in your fingers after a bit too much.

The unknown taste of something other than the hard liquor. The long stares and the textures under your fingertips long unexplored. The desolate but warm sense of belonging, of feeling protected. The gruffness, rumbles and grunts piercing through the air. All of which combined themselves in a strange formula and seemed to come to life right in front of you, in almost a lazy yet enticing haze of foregin origin as a solid frame walked across the room.

"You sure you don't wanna save that for later?"

A breathy chuckle emanated from the man upon the light remark and you could just tell he was strongly considering the suggestion for a second. His voice soft, unlike the rougher than gravel tone he usually sported - one of the many gestures and reactions that only recently began to resurface from their hiding spot deep within.

Was it upon his will? He was not the type of person to just let go of his guard or let people see another side of the medallion, no matter what the circumstance was. And yet there he was, breathing and living in the same room a couple feet away from you with nothing but friendliness for a change in the most part of the journey so far, some sort of fondness creasing his features - you reckoned there was no way it could have been.

All that pondering and it did not matter one single bit as he took slow but steady steps towards the chair you were sprawled over near the table. Time seemed to slow down in a lazy pace, not racing for the clock handle to advance just a couple of ticks more. The tattered blinds rustled in the faint spring breeze, the occasional gusts of wind through the cracked windows were cold but had a certain promising warmth to them. Leftover afternoon sunlight filled in the spare room of the rundown house in a calm shade of yellow, tinting everything the rays touched with a sparkly hue.

Including him.

The hollows in his structured jawline accentuated by his peppered beard, the gentle wrinkles of age and hardship lingering on his tan skin with the hints of the smile, stretching his lips. A couple buttons undone on his navy flannel, the slight nonchalant show of his chest. The rips and frays, the dried out blood - his and others - on his shirt ever so evident under the unforgiving light. Hands so scarred yet strong, bulging veins trailing up to mark a path of scratches, old and new scars and scabs.

The look in his eyes as the light hit them, lowering himself down to a gentle kneel right in front of you.

“Believe me, I would,” he spoke, the animosity he used to have against strangers once upon a time long gone.

He was not talking to just a mere stranger anymore. 

“ - but you might need it more than I do.”

To that, your lips let out a chuckle, defying your quickening heartbeat that at this rate, would burst out of your ribcage due to the sheer proximity of the man. Each movement, small hints of his body language - the relaxed jaw in contrast to his usual clench, the colorful irises with specks of hopeful light, the long fingers which had done too much harm instead working gently to do good. 

"I'm guessin' the stitches are your handiwork," he softly said, a tone of gratitude in his smooth drawl to accompany the brief twinkles of light in his eyes, looking into yours levelly with some sort of hesitation hidden beneath. Upon your nod, an appreciative smile would curl up the corner of his mouth.

"They hold tight."

By that time, you had seen more than enough to know that this was his subtly unique way of voicing his thanks, through many ways than one. A calloused hand worked to spill just the right amount of alcohol to soak the rag, motions so gentle and soothing that you would not dream were coming from a man who could bash someone's skull with enough force to crack in half at any given moment. 

There was a price you had to pay to see the gentle side of him, the good heart he carried slipping through the cracks of his broken soul and equally damaged ribs. A price that almost took your life and cracked your bones, brought you to the edge of death looming with arms wide open, battered and bruised your skin with scars so deep they touched your soul. All for one purpose, for the one who mattered the most, that brought you two together in such a bond that only people who have been through hell and back could form.

All to keep that little girl resting in the other room out of harm’s way. 

“Was a nurse back then,” you would explain with a shrug, an easy smile on your reminiscent face as you observed each movement he made, taking note of his soft nod upon your confession, as if that had confirmed the ideas running rampant in his head. 

“Not sure what I am now.”

His head would softly rise, looking into your eyes as the rag hovered just a tad lower from the wound, the small droplets of bitter liquid slipping down the cut fabric onto the floor, clearing a lazy trail of dried blood over bare skin along. 

“Must have been a damn good one at that,” he hinted with that damn drawl, his head tilting a bit to the side as if awaiting a reaction, reading through your expression of gratitude as your smile only grew more nostalgic.

It had taken you a while to clean the other wounds and properly seal off the gape in your thigh that dead bastard had opened up just when it had been healing - a rag in between your teeth keeping your screams to yourself as a hot suture needle pierced through your skin yet again. Him walking into the room with an unusually calm gait in his step after putting Ellie to sleep, heading straight towards helping you was a surprise that was most certainly welcome.

Yet before your thoughts could comprehend what he was doing, your body unfortunately did - stinging rays of pain jolted all over your skin, a loud hiss escaping your lips as the alcohol made gentle contact near the newly forming scar tissue. It was for the best, hell, you would have done this to yourself to prevent yet another damn infection if he had not been around.

While his fingers that pressed the gauze ever so gently to clean the wound, the other set slowly yet gingerly found their way to your other thigh covered with fabric in a ghost of a touch - one that seemed to calm you down, the vice-like grip of your hands around the edges of the wooden chair relaxing, chest rising up and down with the deep breaths of anticipation of pain. 

“Sorry,” he would murmur knowing that his actions involuntarily gave you discomfort, under his own hands that hurt too much. 

A soft shake of your head was your response, the hint of a smile along your lips, pushing past all of that twitching pain as you encouraged him to go on - not that he would need it. The moment he wrapped his arm around you so tight to get you out of that burning hell mere hours ago should have told you he did not need the telling to help you survive.

As long as you were with him, he had promised himself that he would do anything to make sure you did. 

That included honoring the other pact he had made with himself. 

“Listen, I ain’t been the friendliest man to be around,” his gaze now shifted to concentrate on the wound as if he was trying to gather himself together, brows furrowed with some sort of newfound determination. His shoulders under the flannel moving along with his arms that worked to clear the wound, jaw clenching at your every other little hiss or groan. The words flowed out of his parted lips under that salt and pepper beard, in a husk that only sentences left unspoken for too long could muster. 

And all you could do, as the pain subsided a little more with each gentle touch, all you found yourself wanting to do was to hear more of what he had to say - the most genuine you had gotten out of the man and he was not the type to talk.

“I regretted it at first, when I took you out of that building.” 

A small frown crawled on your lips as he put the bloody gauze away, picking up a wet rag and a big bandage whose adhesives surprisingly had not worn out too much after all these years.

“And then, just when things start goin’ right… your history caught up.”

And then, upon the insinuation of your old faction, your heart began thudding even more in your chest in anticipation of what was to come. Would he hurt you? Was this all a ploy to get you talking, or even worse? His voice had been way too gentle for someone who was plotting on ripping your skin apart, his touch way too comforting. 

The mere thought of it made you uneasy as your body tensed under his fingertips, jaw clenching as you clutched onto the chair. Noticing the subtle change of motion as he cleaned the residual blood, he would tilt his head up with such an angle that accentuated the high cheekbones and the light in his eyes that told you to not be afraid.

He was right there.

“But seeing the way you looked after her, after me when you had no obligation to… patching us up and protecting us.”

An almost foreign, long forgotten sensation then decided to visit you - emotions, coating your eyes in a glassy layer and your mouth curl up in the saddest of reflections. His eyes, an amalgam of dark forests of greenery and gold specks of determination. Focused in yours and yours only, staring into your soul as if he saw right through you.

“If the Good Lord gave me another chance -  I would do it all over again.”

And it made your heart stop, skip a beat, then frantically pulse beneath the rib cage.

After all this time making it out of the gutter alone, escaping the one community that gave you life. Shooting first and never asking questions. Torturing and being tortured. All alone, without a single soul that cared about you just an ounce. 

It was a mystery whatever that meant during the goddamn apocalypse but there was one truth evident in front of your eyes.

He cared. Maybe more than he should have been. More than he needed to, for his sake. 

All the way back in that crumbling building with the infected - even when he did not know it. He cared every time you would stumble, hold onto the trees or railings for support. When your hands held Ellie’s to help her down the hills, the same ones caressing his forehead in long-gone whispered words and wishes, the ones stitching his wounds. When he had found you, scarred beyond recognition but alive nonetheless, clutching onto the little girl that gave him life. 

Measuring your reaction, he swallowed as what he saw gave him the strength to continue.

“I was thinkin’…  once this is all over, for good this time,” Joel started with his drawl, his deep voice a hopeful one, each word slipping out slowly like fingertips gliding on velvet as his hands slowly finished wrapping the clean-enough bandage around your thigh securely.

“…if you would want to come back to Tommy’s with us.”

In the haze of the leftover heat of the sunset coating the room with orange reflections coupled with the small course of adrenaline running through your veins, you found yourself leaning in just a little towards the man kneeling beside your seat, looking at him incredulously - subconsciously, maybe, to make sure you heard him correctly. 

A measure set forth by your survival instinct when you heard things that were just too good to be true in this forsaken shell of a world. Something inside told you that you did not need any such measures when you were with him. 

Not anymore. Not after all that you have been through.

Words were not needed as your grateful, unbelieving yet bittersweet expression said it all. A sigh of long-awaited relief slipped past your lips. A soft nod followed your smile, watery eyes relieving you from the security of all of those walls you had built. The light in your eyes glowed a bit brighter with the gentle smile he had under that beard, the forests in his eyes blooming with the greenest of greens and the everlasting gold.

They reminded you of home. Of somewhere far away yet right there in front of you. Of somewhere warm and safe, with memories to be made. 

His hand would reach up tentatively, the backs of his fingers brushing against your cheek as you find yourself leaning into the gesture, the softest of touches. A strand of stray hair is tucked behind your ear as his calloused palm placed itself on your cheek in a warm embrace. A feather light touch as if he was afraid of breaking you.

Eyes locked, you could not see the usually violent storms raging within his gaze. Instead, the sun was shining - a source of light so bright that the worries, the pain were silenced. It reflected off of yours, this contagious energy that heated up the air and made your head lean just a bit closer to his, leveled due to the height difference - his breathing mixing in with yours as his chest heaved to match your heart trying to escape from the confinements of his flannel covering you.

Then came a stare down your lips which felt like hours, contemplating, admiring, thinking. As if he had been pondering this moment for a long while, of crossing that one bridge. Tilting his head further in. It made your lashes flutter in the sheer heat of it all, brain completely shut off as all you could think of at the moment was right in front of you, mere inches away.

“Joel - ”

The intoxicating mix of whiskey, leather and pine left momentarily along with the warmth on your cheek upon the knock at the door, rattling your reality with a soft gasp. 

His head whipped to the wooden door - the rest of his body frozen as his hand instinctively reached back for his revolver and yours, in turn, reached to hold onto him. The newly awakened survival instinct subsided just as it came upon seeing a yawning redhead with bright, green eyes that lit up the entire room, staring at just how close you and him were situated and smiling to herself.

“Uh, hey, guys - I’m kinda starving.”

The moment your eyes met his again, this time, it was with a chuckle and a shake of the head, his genuine laugh that warmed your heart in the most unexpected way making his shoulders dip slightly. 

Part 1

‘I was thinking of this new structure for the fence. It’s based on Gaelic fences. It did hold out the romans once so should be keep the infected out too’ you explain to Joel showing him the sketches you had made that were spread on your shared house dining room table 

Joel listened carefully humming softly once in a while as you explained and smiled 

‘What?’ You ask him a little smile crawling on your lips too 

‘I just love listening to you sweetheart’ he says getting closer his hands on your hips

‘You love me talking about fences structure? ‘ you eye him with fake suspicions as you place your arms around his neck

‘I’m a constructor. Hearing my woman talk about constructions is very hot’ he tells you voice low  his nose nudging yours slightly 

‘Mmm is that so Mr Miller?’ You ask

‘Yes Ms YLN, can I call you Ms  Miller?’ He asks. You did not take his surname when you married but you loved being called Ms Miller in this situations, it made you feel his and made him feel yours 

‘Yea if you stop talk about it and breach my fence’ you tell his whimpering as his hands cup your but and squeeze as you yelp

‘Your fence? That is a new way of calling your-‘ he laughs but before he can finish you capture his lips in a heated kiss . He responds immediately kissing you more deeply and roughly as he  Picks  you up and make space on the table papers flying around as he places you on top

‘I’m just improvising Mr miller’ you tell him in reference to the fences joke  as you scramble with  his shirt and he with yours 

As Joel kisses you as your hands roam his chest a baby’s cries fills the room 

Y/n

Y/n

A female voice calls your name 

What?

Your eyes open they are not anymore on Joel but in a bright room, the nurse, Shelly, looks at you with a sympathetic smile holding your crying daughter 

‘hey mama this baby needs feeding’ she tells you with a smile

She places little Tess Sarah on your chest as the baby laces easily to your breast, you wince involuntary as she drinks 

A tear is about to roll down your check and is not for looking at your newborn

It was all a dream, a memory of months ago, it wasn’t real, or at least it no longer was

Joel is dead and you are alone .  You are a widow. Your children are orphans

You open your eyes to day three, as you now call your days. the third day without Joel. Because your life is now divided in before joel's death and after

Your ankle is still tied to the hospital bed. they are too afraid you will do something to follow Joel. And they are not wrong, you thought about it. Constantly. Every breath hurts without him. Revenge is what fuels now, your reason to go on. And you are ashamed of it. You have two daughters, one biological, one adopted and yet killing who took Joel from you is your reason to go on now

Your baby drinks profundly and your nipple starting to ache is what brings back your attention to her. You switch to the other breast as she cries at the loss of your breast. She laces to the other breast and opens her eyes.

You had waited for these moments for months,to hold her, but without Joel holding you all lost meaning

You can’t even look at her as much as you try, her eyes are already like Joel’s. A reminder forever of her dead father, of the love of your life  gone. Who loved her so much and yet got never to meet her

When your daughter is fed you detangle her from you and pass her back to Shelly

‘You don’t want to hold her ?’ The nurse ask you quenstionigly 

‘No it’s okay. She is better in the child basin’ you reply as the nurse just nods, you can feel she is trying to not look disappointed as she place your daughter back in the children basin

‘Ellie?’ You ask. You have not seen her since the birth of Sarah Tess. She is hurt, badly, that is all they told you. You heard her scream and your ankle tied is the only thing that stopped you from crawling to her. They did not let you see her as they calmed her while you shouted for them to take you to her 

‘She is recovering. You could visit her in a couple of days when we clear you for movement’ that is a way of saying it. Considering what had happened on day one, when you begged them to let you join Joel, refusing to cooperate and hoped to die in childbirth. it resulted in chaining your ankle to the bed to prevent you from escaping and doing something stupid as they say

You nod before falling back in the bed and closing your eyes. Hoping to see Joel. Your dreams is the only place you still can see him

-.-.-.-.

Yesterday (Day two)

When you open your eyes after falling asleep after the labour Tommy is there next to you ‘hey easy’ 

‘Where is-’ you ask but before you can finish Tommy interrupts you

'Your baby girl is right here and Ellie is in the next room, she is still sleeping ' he replies tilting his head towards the child basin holding your daughter, but before he can ask you if you want to hold her you interrupt him

As that is not who you are asking for 

 'Joel' you simply say, that is who you were asking about. Not your daughters, tommy faces fall

'Where is Joel' you repeat firmly

'Y/n… ' tommy starts, wiping a hand on his face, the same gesture Joel did when you asked a question he hoped you didn’t. tommy was like a brother to you, someone you loved and counted on, now he was a reminder of the man you had lost

'I want to see my husband' you say again, it’s a statement not a question. You need to see joel, or what is left of him, one last time

'Y/n you are in no conditions to move ' tommy tries 

'Did you bury him? ' you don’t know what is worse , thinking he was put to rest without you saying goodbye or have him somewhere alone without a proper rest 

'No he is still with the others waiting '

You let out a sigh of releaf, is fucked up you know it. Joel should be put to rest but the idea of not seeying him or holding him one last time would destory what is left of your sanity

'Please Tommy I need to see him. please I beg you  I need to say goodbye' you beg tommy crying

'Y/N I can't, I promise you I will bury him with all the care, you know I will, and then when you are better-'

'Please Tommy ! ' You shout that wakes your baby that starts to cry, both of you turn towards her but you don't move from your stance

'should I pass her to you or-' he asks hesitantly but you don't budge

'I want to see Joel. Bring me to him now!'  you shout again as the child cries intensifies

Its too much, he is still grieving and tryng to be strong but all of this is too much so tommy mutters 'I- I'm sorry'  before dashing out

The nurse runs in as tommy leaves

'Tommy !Tommy ! Bring me to him!' you shout as he leaves the room

They can’t sedate you, they don’t have any of it and you continue to shout 'let me out! I need to see joel please!' until you collapse of exaustion

-.-.-

Maria and Tommy stand outside your room, you are still out cold

'She wants to se him and be at the funeral ' tommy tells his wife

'She just gave birth, and it wasn’t an easy one, she can’t move' maria argues. She knows you are suffeirng and that neither you or tommy are thiking clearly, so she must be the voice of reason 

'The first thing she asked me when she woke up was not where her daughters were but where my brother was. She - she is not the Y/N we know. If she don’t see him - ' tommy could barely reconise you. He has seen this film before, when Sarah died and Joel was no longer his brother, you were on the same path

'she is suicidal Tommy we can’t let her out. If she sees him she’ll do it right there' 

'If she doesn’t say goodbye she will surely be. I will be there the entire time she will have nothing to use' tommy shrugs,  Joel had lasted a day after sarah before trying to shoot himself, how long did you have before they lost you too?

'I don’t think is a good idea. She could get an infection in a room full of corpses and with her defences low-'

'I bring her to him and then I bring her right back to the hospital and we keep her here until gale says it’s fine, okay?

I must Maria. She has the right to say goodbye' 

-.-.-.-.-

There are so many dead. Too many for Jackson all laid on the tables with cloths covering them.

Tommy had moved Joel in a small room to give the less chance of you getting an infection by the surrounding  deads 

Tommy opens the door as he wheels in your wheelchair, that is when you see him under a blanket. And is not the one of your bedroom, the one under where Joel worshiped you every morning and night . Is not that blaket, this instead is a bloody blanket on a cold table covering what is left of your husband . 

'why are we hiding under the blanket?' you ask him eyebrow raised, he is smiling widely as the bed sheet cover you both, the light of the ealry morning peaking through

He gives you a smile, the type that is reserved only to you  'so Ellie won't hear us when I'm about to get my breakfast here' he teases, kissing your neck as his hands roam your body

'She is in the garage joel, she can't hear us, and even if, the blanket won't make much a difference' you tell him holding his face to peck his lips, slowly, his beard ticking you

'you can be loud sweetheart, very loud. Now shh and enjoy' he tells you as he gently pushes you back flat at you giggle before he doves between you

This blanket is not the one of your shared bed, is his mortual one. His arm is  peaking outside it, the watch stopped on Sarah’s death time forever engraved  in it

Its real. This makes it even more real. Joel is dead and is not coming back

‘Joel’ you whimper, voice breaking as tears start to stream down 

Tommy recovers from the momentarily stopping the chair to take in the horrible sight of his brother, something he will never erase from his mind  

He pushes the weelchair closer to Joel 

You outreach your hand towards him automatically, like second nature. You always did. Even when you slept you subconsciously reached towards Joel, slipping your hand in his, resting your head on his chest. You always wanted him close. Even now in death. Maybe even more

You touch the sheet covering him

‘Leave me please’ you beg as your eyes cannot leave Joel  

‘No’ tommy replied immediately 

‘Tommy-‘ you sob turning to look at him 

‘I can’t . You are in no condition to stay alone . He is my brother too I have the right to say goodbye ‘

You just turn to look back at Joel. Tommy leaves you there as he sits at the other side of Joel in a sort of way to give you privacy 

Your trembling hands reach for the blanket

‘YN…’ 

‘I want to see him’ you state as you remove the blanket from his face

He is almost reconazable, now that Tommy cleaned him for burial . Still hIs face is so swollen and broken that has nothing of the man you love. 

Love present, not loved. You love Joel miller and will love him until you join him again, and maybe even after 

You take in his beaten features  

How much did he suffer before dying? Did he try to fight back and come back home to you? Did he think of you? Were you his last thought? They had not disclosed much info, saying Ellie was the only one who witnessed it . Was he with Sarah now? Or was his soul still looking out for you?

Your graze his face with your fingertips as you scream and sobs, Tommy gaze avoids you as tears run down his cheeks too

You cradle joel's face as you kiss his forehead . ‘Joel, I’m here baby. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there’ you sob. 

How will you be ever able to think of him and not see him like this? No you can’t . You must rember his smile, the look of pure adoration he gave you, the sensation of his body against yours, his voice schoolding lovigly Ellie. You must rember him that way, alive, happy, yours

You inhale deeply to stable your breath as you press your forehead to his before taking his hand in yours 

You press his hand to you lips. Is cold so cold and stiff, his fingers are now stiffen forever . The fingers that cupped your face before kissing you just yesterday. That held your hand when you walked. That caressed your growing belly . The hands that gave you warmth are now cold forever

You had just finished cleaning your guns when Joel had come back home and as he bent down to kiss you had placed your hand on his back, bare as his shirt had gone up when he had bent down to kiss you

He had shivered ‘your hand are ice cold Jesus. Sweetheart let me warm them’

You had just laughed  ‘What you will be my personal heater now Miller?

‘For you baby? Always’ he had told you as he had kissed your hand before keeping it in his 

You close your eyes, trying to replace this cold sensation with instead the memory of his last touch. As this is the last time you touch him. Soon he will be six feet under 

‘I love you, I love you Joel. Please, please  come back to me come back to us I beg you’ you repeat and beg as a mantra 

There is so much you want to say. That you will avenge him, what his daughter looks like, that life has no meaning without him. But  with Tommy there and you still being considered a danger there is not much you can say. You hope Joel can hear you as you whisper how much you love him and that nothing has meaning without him 

‘You were it for me baby, always been, always will. wait for me okay? We’ll see each others again’

Hours pass and you don’t move, you cant believe this is the last time you touch him, and is already no longer your joel warm and caring, he is cold and already slipped from your fingers

Tommy finally speaks when is almost dark. They only got another couple of hours of light and need to bury him   

‘We need to bury him y/n please’ he begs you placing a hand on your shoulder 

‘No not yet. I want more time’ you say shaking your head. You are not ready to say goodbye not now, not never 

‘We need to , is not right for him, we need to bury him today. Before-‘ Tommy doesn’t finish but he doesn’t need to. Before it becomes too late to put him to rest with dignity, before nature start making its course 

As you shake your head Maria  walk in ‘this is enough. We must bury him’  she says as you sob and she brings you out. You don’t heart her as you call for Joel like a broken record 

Tommy tells Joel to send to Sarah his love before he wraps him up securely in the blanket to Bring  Joel to the burial place.

‘Where are you bringing him’ you sob

‘Eveyone is burying their deads. The council decided to make a funeral and memorial later. For the burial only a few will join us ‘

 Tommy brings in a sleight to put you in and Joel too, wrapped in the burial  blanked, you hold him for the last time as you travel to the place tommy had decided to bury him

You reach the place out of town. Jessie, Dina, and a few other people are there 

Dina can’t even look at you and when she tries to reach you, tears streaming down her voice trembles  ‘Y/n I’m so sorry I-‘

Maria shakes her head and Dina stops, if she tells you know what happened you would crawl your way to seattl. You don’t even hear her your eyes are fixed on Joel body and they never leave him but you had managed to see who was there, and it did not include ellie . tommy had already digged the grave and prepared the cross

'Ellie should be here . She is her kid for gosh sake' you say

‘ They won’t let her out . They say she cannot move her lung was punctured. She begged them but she has trouble even breathing on her own. We cannot risk her life‘ Maria explains trying to leverage what is left of your mother insitcs 'already having you here is a risk for yourself'

You shrug. Is not fair. Nothing of this is fair.

'its time' tommy tells you as he places his hand on your shoulder, you shake your head as you clinge on joel repeating no. 

'we must' maria tells you, dina is crying and avoids looking. Jessy stays strong although seeying you suffer makes it difficult to be so impeccable. He looked up to you, at your strengh, your skills in combact and your kindness

You inhale deeply as you kiss the blanked, where joel head is, ‘I love you Joel. Now and always until my last breath I will think of you’ you swear

maria holds your shoulder firmly as tommy and jessy take joel from your hands 

You hold on his watch , all that is left of him as they lower him down

-.-.-.- 

All is a blur, you were almost catatonic, trapped in your head at the funeral is all a bad dream you kept on repeating yourself. You are the first to throw the soil on joel, as sobs wreak through you. 

Each take turn saying a few words, you get bits and pieces of their speeches

Maria thanks Joel for his service to the community and how good he was to you, Ellie and Benji. How he was family, and how the community and this family lost a key member.

Dina says how much he thought her, how she looked up to him and how she wished she could have saved him . How she didn’t have a dad, but he became the closest to one she ever got. That she loved him too and she will miss him

Tommy is holding up, the only part you understand in the numbness is ‘he protected me all my life, he put me and who he loved always first’, how funny he was before all of this, how he thought him eveything he knows. ‘I love you brother,I’ll take care of your girls I swear’

Others shares stories of joel. How we was a good man, how he helped them.

You are the last one to go. Maria shakes you gently to get your attention and asks you 'you want to say something? Is okay if you don't feel ready. we know how much you loved him, he knew it too'

His smile flashses in front of your eyes, how he was traditional in this things. Texas born and raised. He thought funerals were important. The widow had to speak, or so you thought. You did not want to share with them joel, the parts of him you only knew, all the bits you had left of him were now the most precius thing you had. But you had to, they had to know how Joel, your Joel, loved as no one ever had before, and as no one would probabl again. How with all his issues, scars and anger he was still the most gentle, loving and protective man to his family.

You inhale deeply as you speak, trying to steady your voice

'It would take me days to tells you who Joel Miller was, who he really was, how he gave all his being to the people he loved. What you said is true. He was-' your voice breaks, was, past tense  'an amazing father and husband, a good friend, most of you did not know his soft side, you all that were close to him, knew how much he loved you. He did not say it, he showed it. The way he protected you Tommy, or not argue with Maria when she was demanding' they laugh 'how he trusted you Jessy,  with his most precius thing in the world Ellie, to train her. How Dina he considered you his third daughter, how much he adored teaching you. How he smiled when making Benji laugh. Or how is every action and breath was to make me and Ellie happy' you sob as you start to cry and try to stop it.

 Tommy hugs you 'I'm sorry' you sob 

'shh take a moment. We are not going anywhere' tommy says as he looks at the others that nod. After a minute your breath is steady again. 

 'but that was just a part of how much he loved. How love was the driving force of his life. Even after all he lost and after all he had done. He loved us more than the world.' the others don't know the implications of your words but tommy does

'I was lucky to now it fully his love, his full unconditional love, the testimony of it, via his words and his actions. He never made me doubt it and I wll carry it with me forever until I join him. Joel saved many of us. But the way he saved me and ellie. He saved us in all ways a person can be saved. He was a a husband, a father, a brother,  but Joel wasn’t just that he was saviour, a fighter, a soldier  , a leader, a team member, a teacher. Most of you only experience 1 /10 od the man he was. And that is okay because I knew the real him, I knew Joel Miller better than I will ever know myself. Because he was private and reserved, he tried to hide his scars and rough edges, but if you loved him and was lucky enough to be loved back by him then he gave you his heart and soul to keep. I had the luck to be that person, to know him fully and in a way it makes him even more precius'

Your voice was steady now. They needed to know. they needed to rember joel for who he was for you. Through your eyes of pure unconditional love. 

'You’ll only expiencred a 10th of his love how much he cared for any of you. Most of us knew him for just a few years.  Tommy knows how fucking funny he was when he wanted to be. Dina and  all of you knows how much he cared for the girls he loved as his own daugters. But only I know the depth of his embrace, the care he put in every step, how he would have burned the world to portect the ones he loved, how in way he did it' tommy tenses at your words 

'he wasn’t young. But he was taken too soon, most us lost people much yonger than him. but me, ellie, and I speak for you tommy too, we would give anything to have had more time with him. to get him to love us longer, scold us even, anything. It will never be enough. I thought I would get old with him, I hoped I would go first in total honesty, I hoped it would be here talking about me, not viceversa. I thoguht we would have seen our grandchildren run throguh the street of jackson, or at least hold our daughters together. We did not get that, and is not okay. It will ever be okay. But I'm grateful for what I got, because every second in his embrace was worth more than the rest of my life'

'I could talk about my husband for days. Probably I will never shut up about him again, to make sure you all rember him. now he lives throught all of us. Still for most of you he will remain a mistery  and that is okay, because the ones of us who loved him will have him forever'

When you finish someone says a prayer, as if joel would have given a damm. You let them. They cover the toom with the soil. After some time they all start to leave. 

Maria looks at tommy 'you go, we will be right behind you' he reassures her, she nods. Your eyes are set on his toomb. Tommy places his hands on yor weelchair ready to move you

'I need a moment please'

Tommy wants a a moment with his brother too but he knows he must give you space . He just leaves wordesly, near enough to look at you but not enouh to hear you

You get down from the chair almost crawling on Joel's toomb. The ground is ice cold you don’t vene know how they managed to dig all these graves. You press your face to the soil  the cold is engulfing you but you don’t care. You don’t care about anything anymore 

Tears stream down again as you scream. Tommy flunges towards you but stops when he sees you are not in danger. You are hitting the ground in ager. You have reached the anger stage of grief clearly

'You promised! you fucking promised! How could you leave me? How the fuck I’m supposed to go on without you?  You left me and our kids alone!' you cry. Your kid. The kid he never met

'She has your eyes. I named her after Sarah and Tess as you would have wanted. She is never going to see you. She never felt the warmth of your embrace or the sound of your voice . You made her and you don't not even know what she looks like. you would hate me now. Hate how I’m pushing away our kids. How I rather be with you then with them. How if they didn't stop me I would have joined you already, how I put them in danger for my selfishness to not being able to be without you.  You were the natural parent. You took in every kid you found your way and you loved them fearcely. I’m not like you, I’m selfish. I love you, too much to stay without you . You would hate how much I love you. You would hate how self destroying I am. But I don't care. Because you lost your privilege of deciding about my life when you died and took me with you in a way or another.'

You are so fucking angry now at him, at who took him from you at eveyone.  Your mind went to the last time you had risked your life for his

How mad he had been

'don't trade your life for mine ever again? you hear me? I'm worth nothing. You are worth eveything. I don’t care what happens to me. You live. And you live long and well? You understood me?' he had told you with so much anger, now you felt the same

'I can't promise you I will not join you. I can only promise you that I will avenge you Joel miller damn the consequences . And if I die trying so be it, I don't care. I can't care when half of my sould is 6 fix under. The only reason I'm not next to you now is the fuel of revenge and the love for our daughters. But if revenge wins and they are left without me so be it. They are better of without me anyhow.' 

You wished you had fallen down the stairs that morning. You wished his worst fear would have become true so that yours would have not . You wished you had died before him like you always had planned. But you didn’t. it didn't matter how much you tried. You were now cursed to live. And you would as long as you could get your revenge

'I’ll find who did this to you. Who took you from me, and from Ellie and from our daughter. And I’ll make them pay 10 times I swear. I swear joel. Wait for me okay?' you promise.

 You then go still, sobbing against his tomb. Trying to be near him, wishing the earth would swallow. Your anger replaces by pure desperation. That is when tommy picks you up

'You new to go back to the hospital' he tells you as he places you on the weelchair. You don’t have the strenght to argue

'Please leave me here Tommy please'  you sob but tommy doesn’t care, tears silently stremaing down his face too

'Joel! Joel! Please I want to join him' You shout until your voice is gone

-.-.-.-

Part 1

Part 3

Part 4 (out next week)

Joel Miller masterlist in 'other characters' materialist

Main Materialist

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Day 14

You and Sarah Tess had been dismissed, Ellie instead had to stay in the hospital. 

Is Tommy who brings you home, wheelchair rolling as you hold your baby in your arms

People left flowers and notes all around the white picket fence. Joel had done a lot for this community but you did not think they would so openly show their gratitude

Tommy clearly has already seen them as he follows your eyes trailing on them but is not surprised by the quantity ‘I'll get them when you are ready if you want to read them’

You just nod as he opens the door of yours and Joel’s house, now is just yours you guess, Ellie lives in the garage

Tommy rolls your wheelchair in as you see Joel’s boots by the door, his glasses on the kitchen table, the sofa were most likely Sarah Tess was conceived on, his working utensils box next to the fridge where he left them as he was supposed to fix the freezer the next day. He never did. As he did not get a next day

He was gone and you were alone, in a house now that looked too big, foreign, empty.

Joel was not coming back, this was your reality now, you were a single mother of two, a widow looking for revenge, a woman who would not stop until she got justice, you could not get your life back, you could not get him back, but at least you could get your revenge

Your thinking is interrupted by Tommy ‘I have cleared the house of everyhting that could harm you, knives,  anything you can think of is gone and believe I thought of all the creative ideas you could think off’

‘Should I thank you?’ You ask almost mockingly

‘No, but one day you will. I will come back later tonight. Don't make me close you in this house. The neighbours knows to call me the moment they see you step out suspeciusly`

`yes captain` you reply as he rolls his eyes `be strong y/n. she needs you, We need you ’ he just tells you, his voice softer now as he leaves closing the door behind him

The silence is too much but is also short lived as Sarah Tessa starts to fuss in your arms. You nurse her, but her crying wont stop. 

‘Please baby sleep a bit would you?’ you beg her but she continues to cry

 You get up the stairs and into her nursery to place her in her crib but as the door opens you stop, memories flooding you 

3 months ago

Joel is knelt in front  of the crib now ready, he just finished the last touches and is checking its sturdiness by moving the crib

You enter the room calling for him as you take in his sight.  Sweat runnign down his bicepts as he is in a thank top, he looks amazing, strong and caring and something in you stirs 

‘Its done’ he says as he gets up from the floor

‘It’s beautiful’ but from the way you say it is not clear if you mean him or the crib. He catches it immediately the look you are giving him as if you could eat him whole

'Stop looking me that way' he tells you playfully but firm

'I'm not looking at you in any way' you reply, but you too know that you are lying 

‘The entire reason why we need  a nursery is because you looked at me that way’ he replies smiling  alluding to what he calls your sex eyes, that indeed put you numerous times in situations that eventually lead to your current state 

He comes nears you giving you a kiss first on your lips and then on your head as he hugs your side as you look at the room he made for your baby

‘The room is perfect’ you say, its a testament of Joel's love for you and for your child 

‘I want our baby to get everything’ he states simply, you nod ‘with us by their side they will’ you look at each other for a moment, still mesmerized that you two got to have this after everything that happened, his eyes are soft as he pecks your lips again, slowly and with reverance as is if you were everything, because you are 

-.-.-

Now

When the baby finally falls asleep is night, you want to go downstairs to drink some water when you see the stairs 

'These stairs are a Death trap don’t go on them alone. you could trip and break your neck or hurt the baby  sweetheart'

Joel always said he was obsessed by them.

 It would be so easy to give in to his fear that instead looks now as an escape 

You Look at the stairs ‘it would be so easy just flung myself in it head first. Tommy would find you when he would come check tomorrow . Sarah Tess would be safe with him and Maria, they are amazing parents to Benji more than you would ever been. It would be so easy' you think

‘Don’t . Don’t fucking  do it’ . You hear him. You swear you hear him

‘Not for me . Don’t fucking die for me sweetheart’ it’s Joel voice economy in your head clear as the day 

It was a memory. When raiders had come and joel had been taken, you killed all of them. But they had stabbed you . You were bleeding as joel tried to stop the blood

‘Don’t die for me. Never put your life in danger for me again. you are all that matters’ he had made you swear as he pressed his hand to your wound to stop the bleeding

His voice, his depseration at seeying you hurt stop you from thinking about the stairs.

 You open your bedroom. The bed is made and you hate it, you want it unmade as he used to leave it . 

You press you nose to the sheet . At least Tommy did not change them and they still smell like him. you close your eyes taking him in

The rest is at it always has been, and you don’t think you will be ever able to sleep here again without him. you will move to ellie's old room you decide

You then see his watch on his nighstand, exactly where he used to leave it and you grace your fingertips on it. But you are looking for a particular item, his jacket, hanged in his closet

You Walk to it, and you take it, memories flow you as you sit on the bed hold it as you cry

It was during the first few months of your pregnancy, You and Joel were walking back from the Tipsy Bison after a night there to look over Ellie rather than partecipate at the celebrations. 

Joel’s arm was around you as you walked, it was cold and while you had a jacket you tried not to shiver as you walked. Joel noticed immediately and he stopped in his tracks and took off his jacket

‘Joel what are you doing’ 

He did not falter as he wrapped it around you

‘Joel is cold’ you protested 

'Exatcly' he replied wrapping himself around you as you two walked

'I have already a jacket. So put yours back on!' you commanded

'You carrying my baby . You need another jacket for the baby' he explains as if it made total sense

'That makes no sense'you protest

'Makes perfect sense to me' he replies  'I’ll freeze more in arguing here than you putting the jacket and we go home' he protested back as you shook your head

'you are impossible'

'You love it' he replies with a smug

'No, I love you. More than anything' you promise holding on to him serious now 

He stops in his tracks, as if still to remind him that is the case.

'I love you too baby. Both of you'. He promises you kissing your head  'Now let’s go home' he adds

You continue hugging the jackets remembering him in it, how he kissed you when he came home from working, how he gave the jacket to ellie when she was cold, how he kept your photo in its pocket

You could reminish forever, and maybe you will as memories are what you have left of him  

'I’ll avenge you Joel. And I’ll try to come back and to live for them but not until who took you from me breaths' you swore, your nose in the jacket trying to get the last of him

'If I don’t Ellie or Tommy will and they have their life in front of them. I don’t. You were my life, and I will avenge you. And if I die trying so be it. That is my compromise to you' you say with finality

A promise to you and him, to ellie and to tommy

You put joel jacket on as you look for your emergency bag, preparing it with clothes as Tommy tooo your weapons, you do hve some hidden though.  to go find who took him from you

And you would stop at nothing 

-.-.-.-.-

Joel Miller masterlist in 'other characters' materialist

Main Materialist

Part 1 Part 2

December 2028  - 5 days before Joel's death

Joel  stormed into the house, Gale's words still echoing in his head. He had tried, he was trying, to make good by ellie. He had given her space, went to theraphy. And yet she avoided him. it did not matter how much you tried to mediate, his daughter hated him. and she had every right to

He closed the door with such a force that it made you turn around. You were on the sofa looking at the construction plans for the new houses. Although you were one of the most skilled fighters in Jackson Your patrol days were long gone since you had become pregnant. Now you voted in the council, made sure Ellie and Joel did not do anythign stupid and helped with the urban planning.

You turned around, your husband was clealry shaken 

'Joel, you all'right?' you ask him. he sees you, he was so lost in his brain he had not registered you there

'all right darling. 'm sorry to have scared you' he apologises, hanging his coat. You try to get up, your 8 months belly not very helpful. He sees you struggle

'hey no stay there baby, you need to rest' he tells you voice gentle as he rushes to you. You don’t get up huffing. He is overbearing, but he does it for love, he lost so much, you can't blame him for being scared. Still being treated like glass was something you were not used to

He kneels in front of you and takes your hand in his and kiss it before resting his big palm on your belly. His daughter senses his presence and kicks him.  

He places a kiss right where his daughter had kicked him 'shh baby. Daddy is here, don't kick your mum' he tells her as if he convinced the kicking stops. 

You pass you hand in his hair looking at him lovigly as he reciprocrates your look. He then gets up planting a proper kiss on your lips, his  troubles forgotten.

'how are you feeling?' he ask you as he sits next to you, his hand still on your belly trying to calm his daughter 

'I should ask you that question. You look like you have seen a ghost. What did Gale do to you now?' you ask him adjusting on the sofa. Joel avoids your gaze 

'is it about ellie?' you ask him reading his expression as a book. You place your hand on his cheek gently caressing his unshaved cheeks and giving him a small smile to prompt him to continue

'I want to do right by her. By both of them' he whispers, and changes subject immediately. 'Is she kicking you a lot?' he says looking at your belly as another kick stirkes  your internal organs before calming down as soon as he places his hand on your belly

'How did you know that she is a girl?' you ask him, he knew, even before the ultrasound. 

'I'm a girl dad. Always been, always will be' he replies simply as if it was the most obvious thing in the world 

Sarah was his world, from the moment he held her she made him whole. His baby girl, so perfect, that loved him as he loved her. Taken too soon right from his arms because he wasn't fast enough. When he lost her he did not see a meaning anymore, lasted a day before trying to do the unthinkable.

 Then came Ellie, he did not think he could love again that way. She thought him to be a dad again, and he promised not to screw up this time. He saved her, over and over, and protected her, even if she hates him, he would not change anything, Because he loves her, he loves all his kids in a way that they will never understand.

 Also Dina is his kid, she looks up to him, asks him questions, wants to learn from him, treats him like he is a good man. He cares about her. At least she still trests him like a father.

And then there is your unborn child. A life he helped create, 39 years after he created Sarah. He could not believe he would have another biological child, not at 61. But you made it possible, you gave him the biggest gift he could ask for. And he would protect you and this kid with his life. He would not screw up again. 

'You are. They are lucky to have you. I am lucky to have you. You will do right by them, because you are already doing it. You are a great dad joel, a great husband, a good man. Even if not everyone can always sees it, I do, it's just temporary, Ellie will come along eventually. And this kid? She is already wrapped around your finger, look your touch calms her. Always. That says a lot' you tell him, meaning every word

A lot of emotions pass throug his face. He cannot believe that after all he had done he gets to get this. To get you. To get ellie. To have made a brand new life. To be a dad again , for a thrid time. He failed to protect sarah, ellie hates him, this kid your daughter, he will do good by her, he must. Not many get three chances. 

He just nods eyes teary, as you press another kiss to his lips, he closes his eyes, mesmerizing your lips against his. 

'I love you, both of you' he says as he lets you go to breath, his forehead against yours

'I love you too Joel' you reply eyes closed as you staid there taking each others in. you did not believe it either that after the apocalypse you would get normality like this again

It was in fact to good to be true. He would not make it to the end of the week

.-.-.-.

Day seven (since Joel's death)

You are still tied to the hospital bed most of the time. Freeyijg you only when supervised.  They took away from the room anything that you could use to cause yourself harm. Your daughter your only companion.

They let you see Ellie , moving you on a wheelchair to her, you held her hand as she slept, read her some of her books and held her as you two cried. 

Tommy visits, every day, but he has responsabilities. Dina, Jessy, Maria and Benji come often too. Dina and you cried together as you tell her how much he cared about her. Benji made you smile as he looked at his cousin for the first time. Your first smile in a week, since Joel's death, since life lost all meaning.

You spend most of the time trying to sleep, to recover your strenght, at least in your dreams you see him, his smile. You even manage to feel him, like it was real, then your duaghter cries woke you up.

You manage to hold her now without crying. To distinguish her eyes's from joel's, even if they are the same. The last piece of him left in this world. You love her, as much as you tried not to get attach knowing you will leave her behind in your quest for vengence, your heart still aches for her. 

You are hating it. You just want to go home. More than that you just want the pain to stop. But it can't, it never will. Only one thing could help at least diminishing it, killing who took him from you.

On the sevent day Ellie visits you 

Ellie appeared at the door ‘y/n?’ She asked doubting if to enter or not. She was still laced to the fluid bag and was in a wheelchair . Your expression changes as you see her and give her a sincere smile to see her out of the bed

‘Look who made it out of bed’  you told her sweetly 'how you feeling?' you asked as she rolled in

'fucking great' she humoured you, 'same' you humoured back but your joke did not reach your eyes, 

You placed some of her hair behind her hear lovingly as you two staid in silence, something uncommon for her 

'You want to meet your sister?' you asked her. Sister. It doesn’t matter after 5 years how many times you and Joel called her your daugther she still needs reassurance, especially now that her father is gone, Joel was the first family Ellie ever got. Now you and that girl, tommy an his family are all that is left of it. 

She consider it, fear crawling in her features as she nodded once

'come' you told her as she rolled her wheels and reached you and the basin. The child was sleeping soundly.

Ellie peaked in, taking sight of your daughter for the first time. She extend a finger and sarah tess opens her eyes, lacing her little hand around ellie's finger. The eyes that are exactly like joel's

'She looks - She looks like him' she whispered. The child was undeneable joel's. it had a mix of your features and skin tones but her eyes and expression were all his

'He was a girl dad, always been, always will be' you reply wiping your eyes with the back of your head. Joel Miller saved and loved every girl he encountered in his path until it killed him

'What did you name her?' ellie asks still looking at her

'Sarah Tess Miller. I call her Tess mostly' you reply. The weight of the names sink into ellie

'Oh' she simply states

'Yah '

'That - that's nice' she comments

'Well I think it fits, are two names that hold a lot of love' . And it did Joel loved Sarah and Tess, tess had died for him and ellie, sarah's was joel first love, his daughter, a ghost hunting him until his last breath. It made sense, as he would hunt you until the day you die

'Yah. I think - that he would have liked it' ellie simply replies looking at you now, her eyes teary

'You want to hold her?' you ask her with a small encouraging smile. Ellie nods as you take your daughter from the child basin carefully. She huffs. 'shhh baby, your sister wants to hold you' you tell her with a wisper full of fondness. You show ellie how to hold her before placing her genlty on her arms. 

Ellie is afraid. This baby is small, fragile, too fragile. She knows she is holding the last piece of Joel left on this earth. His blood daughter, 50% of his DNA, 50% of yours. And although Ellie was his spit image in personality and half of his heart, Joel lives through Sarah Tess. What ellie is holding is the most precius thing on earth

'Hey kiddo I'm your sister Ellie.  And I'll be your partner in crime, look your back, and pass you pot when your mum is not looking' ellie says, talking to the child that looks at her with her big wide eyes, same as Joel's. she doesn’t cry and doesn't fuss, only stares at her sister

You stay silent as ellie talks to her.  You look at them, at  your daughters  together. Your eyes sweeled with tears. He should be here, he should see them, how perfect they are, both of them. Instead he is rotting in his grave outside town. Ellie and you are scarred for life and his child will never know him. 

The last pieces of him are all in this room. Are you really going to leave them, your kids, Joel's heart, to find revenge? Could you really be this selfish? He would not want this, you know it. But he probably would have done the same it would have been you. Would the love for his daughters be stronger than the wish to make pay who had took you from him? you did not know. or maybe pretended not to know. 

A single tear runs down your cheek

'You are good with her'  you tell her. And she is. A natural, just like Joel was. She is going to make a great mother one day, if her and Dina ever decide to have kids

'Learned from the best' she says referring to joel. And he was. And ellie knew it. The love and care he had showned her in the last five years were more than most parents showed their kids in all their lives.

You then help ellie places her back in the child basin when is clear that she is done holding her

You giver your daughter your finger to hold and she wraps her little hand around it immediately. You cannot do anything but smile. You love her. Like you love ellie. And yet she was almost never born because of your grief that paralysed you. If ellie had not convinced you maybe neither of you two would be there. It was a guilt you were going to carry for the rest of what you hoped was a short life

'I’m sorry for what you saw the day she was born' you tell ellie looking at her, she avoids your gaze, keeping it on the child

'It’s okay I get it' she replies voice low. As if the day she lost her dad she wasn't about to loose you too.

'No. you should not get it. I hope you never get it . By I’m sorry you witness it, it wasn’t your responability or place. And I will never apologise enough for it. I care about you Ellie, he loved you, I love you but -' you try to explain yourself as tears stream down

'But not enough to stay with us ' she replies blunty

You nod. 'I'm sorry i - I’ll stay for now. then we will see . That is all I can promise you'  

Ellie doesn’t reply. She doesn’t beg you to stay. That without she just would be more scared. She would have if revenge wasn't fuelling her too

'You cannot die. not until we kill those mothercuckers' she replies, her sadness is now pure rage. Not at you. At them. At who took away her family, Joel

'I promise. I will get us your revenge '  you swear with her same tone

'good' she just replies as you two stay in silent looking at Sarah Tess

-.-.-.

Day 13

The doctor comes in for your final checks

'You both are fit to go home. She is healthy and you are on a good path for recovery. If the baby acts strangely like she doesn't cry or doesn't  want to eat bring her in immediately. You are stil recovering so go slow for another couple of weeks' she explains you as you nod 

'So can we go home?' you ask with relief. You want to go home, even if now is only four walls and a ceeling, as your home was Joel not the house. The life you had created together

'Not yet one last doctor must see you. Then your brother in law should come pick you up' she explains closing your files

'what? Who?' you are confused. In jackson each doctor covered most of the practices, it was lucky enough to have doctors. before she can reply Gale appeared on the door with her signature smile, probably caused by the marijuana

'Oh for fucks sake' you reply rolling yours eyes 'serously?'

'I see it's a family thing the swearing' she tells you as she sit down, referring to joel's and ellie's constant swearing

'I'll leave you two' the doctor says and exits

'let me guess. You are here to check if I’m a danger to myself . And depending on that I will be stucked here forever' 

'a bit drammatic but yes. Well you punched two doctors and shouted as loud I could hear from outside the hospital'

'They fucking tied me. They free me only to feed the baby' you scoff

' 'You are suicidal they are doing it to protect you'  she states simply 

You scoff

'They told me what happen when your duaghter was born, how you almost got both of you killed' Gail adds with sympathy

 ' What? I was in panic overwelmed by grief , literally giving birth while my husband was tortured to death in front of our daughter, You guys expect me to be all happy and brilliant?' you rant

'No of course not . But we have to make sure you would not hurt your daughters or yourself'

'I would never hurt them!'  you reply offended by her implying you would hurt your daughters, that would never happen. The day Sarah Tess was born was different, she was in you then and in that moment you did not understand the weight of your own actions

‘ I’m visiting Ellie when they allow it, I'm taking care of my daughter, I will abide to Tommy's stupid safety rules  . You all are worrying too much . I'm trying okay?' 

'I know' she tells you truly 'But what about hurting yourself?'

You stay silent, shaking your head as you then reply truly

'I was okay? but, Right now I’m not - that is not what I want' you reply voice low at least not now. Do you want to die? yes?. Can you? no

'Then what do you want?' she asks you

You fake to ponder  'Uhm let my think' you drammatically put a finger to your chin 'My husband alive, my life back-'

'I think you are more concrete than that' gale says trying to not get exaspeated

You stay silent, but the truth is written all over your face

'You want revenge don’t you?' she states simply as is a fact. Because it is

' Why wouldn’t I? someone arrives, kills my husband, leaves my child an orphan and you think I want to sit here and let them get away with it?' you ask, a dry humorless laugh leaves you at the crazyness of the situaition

'no. but you have responsabilities, a life, lives to take care of . They tell me you are not staying with the child unless to feed her. That you visit ellie just to check on her'  she says looking at your daughter, as you follow her gaze and look at your sleeping daughter.

'She should not get attached to me. It will only hurt more'  you whisper, your eyes on her, as an image of joel flashes in your head

'Because you will kill yourself ?' Gail asks you, 

'I’m not gong to kill myself! but I’m going to bring justice and if that ends with my death so be it'  you reply exasperated and you mean every words 'I don’t know what to tell you gale . I want revenge the consequences are out of my care'

'fine you don’t want to kill yourself but allowing others, actively looking for that situaion, its the same as hurting yourself and Joel would not want this' she tells you, stabbing you would be less paynful

'You looked into his brain for a year and you think you know my husband better than me?' you scoff

'So you know I’m right'

And the probelm is she is . Joel would hate you to see you this way, would despise you for not taking care of yourself and your daughters, for searching revenge instead of being safe. He would shout at you. You know it but you don’t care

'He wanted you and your girls to be safe and healthy. With out without him . He always spoke about you and this child, he was making me get sick! . If I heard about those damn stairs another time.' Gale tells youwith a laugh  as you stay silent 'He loved you more than anything. You, ellie, and sarah tess were all that maattered to him. so if you love him, protect what he loved, live. Live for him. that is all he wanted, and you know it'

A tear runs down your cheek as you wipe it fast, becasuse she is right, and that hurts. Because that is what he told you over and over. That he did not matter, that you mattered. And he wanted you to be safe

'Believe me I know how you feel . Nothing makes sense without him. But you got two daughters you have a responsibility towards them' gales concludes, you are staring in the void when you finally speak

'How do you do it?' you ask her, she is a widow, well partially thanks to Joel, how fitting

'I smoke weed and I’m ancloholic I'm not an example' she tells you with a laugh

'At least you did not put a bullet in your brain'  because the thought right now is temping you think

'So what is stopping you?' she asks with sad eyes

'The idea to put a bullet through their brain' you reply

'and then?'

'and then I come back here and raise my daughters. Listen you can keep me here until I really do turn insane, or you let me out and let me take my chances?' you tell her giving up

'I just hope you are doing the right thing, for them'  she tells you looking at Sarah Tess 'you can go, tommy will pick you up. Just don't make me regret it, I don’t want to tell you daughters you are the reason they are orphans' she tells you and with that she leaves

-.-.-.-

Part 1 Part 2 Part4 (last part)

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