#titos

I say three Hail Marys before I leave the house

In a whisper

I say Grace before I eat dinner

In my head My brother makes fun of me when he hears me pray

My mom is the most Catholic woman I know

She carries a San Miguel pendant everywhere she goes

Sometimes they end up in my clothes

The rattle as they fall on the floor scares me

I’m protected from evil she tells me

And temptation

I beg to differ

My second oldest brother is in a state of religious psychosis

And he says that when Redemption Day comes

God’s gonna get me

I pray for my brother a lot

I pray that he gets sober

I pray that when he’s sober he’s nice to me

I pray that when he’s nice to me he will tell me he loves me

I pray that when he tells me he loves me

I could slightly believe him

None of these have come to fruition

When I pray I don’t feel anything too special

It feels like a routine

Like an obligation

I’ve been waiting for my period of eternal salvation to hit me

And I can finally feel like I’m doing something right

Instead I search for this emotion of redemption in other places

Like the sand on the lake 19 miles away from my home

Like the second step down on my backporch

Like my windowsill when the screen is removed

And my lungs are pleading with me to stop

I tell people I drink more than I smoke

But I drink more than I laugh lately

My friend tells me I need to take a step back

I tell him its okay

I don't like to think I have a problem

In regards to most things

I just think all of the time

And I can’t seem to stop it

I got so drunk I cried myself to sleep last night

But before I dozed off face down in my pillow

I told my other friend I would rather be sad than feel nothing

But I think I lied

Because I feel everything all of the time

I just don't know how to word it

I don’t know why I drink all the time

I don’t know why I smoke 

I don’t really like how it makes me feel to a certain extent

I guess it makes me feel like my brother

Like if I have two more shots I’m going to tell my mom

How much she ruined my life and laugh in her face

But I’ve yet to do that

But I just keep drinking

And my last friend tells me to go to bed

But I keep the bottle in my hand

I feel religious when I drink

Like the only thing that matters is the bottle of vodka

Like I’m in complete control

I stare at myself in the mirror for ten minutes

I trim my bangs

I turn on my tv

But I can’t pick what to watch

So it’s quiet

And I start thinking

I take another swig from the bottle

I don’t need a chaser

And my brain keeps going

And I just can’t shut it off

So I’m calling everyone I know

I tell them I miss them

I take another drink

And they don’t question it

At least not to my face

I hang up suddenly

I lay on my back

And I cry

It's a ritual

It’s religious

Like I’m praying

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