The Haunting No Reply
Ghosting, everyone has experienced it and everyone has done it. But what is wrong with telling someone you aren’t interested? We seem to be in an age where we have to go off signals and behaviours of our own interpretations which only lead us down the rabbit hole of uncertainty falling into the all too familiar questions, why hasn’t he replied? Is he talking to other girls? Is he even interested? Should I have done this instead? Did I do something wrong? The last question being the biggest question that constantly plays on the mind which no doubt leads to - well what is wrong with me? Absolutely nothing! It’s on them and this was honestly one of the hardest things for me to get a hold of and since we are telling the truth, it is still hard to grasp at times.
As much as some of us don’t like to admit it, we are creatures of habit. Most of the time you can tell by a person’s behaviour how interested they are... for example, are they asking questions back or are they trying to end the conversation, what is the response rate like, are they now taking 5 seconds as opposed to 0.02 seconds to reply, where was my good morning message, who is suggesting the meet ups and what is the meet up, etc. We get attached to the routine of our communication with another. This is even with friends and family - for example, even though I live out of home, I will still message my parents when I go out of town to let them know I got to the destination safely. With potential partners you fall into this habit of knowing around what time they will message you throughout the day or know they aren’t available to chat at certain times due to sporting or other commitments. We can’t help it. So it’s when their behaviour changes the questions begin and your own behaviour changes... You are no longer the cool chilled chick you were a few days ago and you start to rattle your brain;
- Idiot! Why did you put hahaha when haha would have been plenty?
- Who is he with?
- What if I send one more message to see if he replies?
- Is my phone broken?
- Is their phone broken?
- I’ll send a Snapchat aimed for them but also generalised so they don’t think it was sent just to them
Now I’m going to use my favourite analogy, I came up with this one after a guy ghosted me then after a few months told me why. Go back to when we were talking, would I have been upset, yes, however, I would have dusted off gotten back up and moved on a lot quicker because by ghosting it meant it still had a hold in my mind as it always felt unfinished even though we knew it was done - closure, it’s what everyone needs but most of the time doesn’t get. By waiting that time it left me in my own head, which most will agree, is not the most ideal place to be. You only have yourself to battle with and more often than not you lose.
So anyway - my analogy, guys seem to treat us like porcelain dolls, wrapped tightly in bubble wrap, they unwrap us by being the guy we want them to be, take us on nice dates, one layer gone, message replies are instant and engaging, another layer gone, suggests future plans and wants to start including you in social events with friends, that’s me pretty much unwrapped exposing my delicate self for them to take care of. Then, then comes the ghosting. Guys see this delicate porcelain doll and they don’t want to break it so they place it on the shelf never to acknowledge it. It shouldn’t be the guys concern for breaking us, yes you leave some cracks but lucky we know how to put ourselves back together. It should be about how you handle it, place the doll on the shelf and it’ll eventually get knocked off, taking longer to be put back together, but wrap it back up in a layer of bubble wrap and it’s good to go to another home. Know what I’m saying!?
So how do we date? Lay it all on the table and see what they eat up? Or deliver ourselves in small courses to slowly get through the meal of getting to know someone?
I’m going to share a recent dating experience, this one was hook line and sinker direct, lay it all on the table.... Let’s call him B. B seemed super confident through texts, we had a pretty good first date discovering we had a lot in common and the potential for it to go further was on the table. I was right out of my comfort zone with this one only because he became very intense within a few hours.... yep I’m sticking to hours. We went from hey lets hang out again to hey I’ve told every man and his dog about you and me and they can’t wait to meet you, are you free 2025 for a family holiday oh and also what should we call our kids? Woah woah woah, lets back up about 50 steps and go on a second date. (I wish I was kidding but we hadn’t even had a second date).
So B was super intense, I didn’t really know how to handle it, do I ghost because his pursing was too much for me, do I be up front and say the all-time classic – it’s not you it’s me or do I play it out and see what happens. Maybe it’s just the hype of meeting or the excitement that we’ve clicked on a few levels, maybe, just maybe he will settle down with it after another date. Nope, second date came around and it was full steam ahead, are we a thing? Can we continue this? Do you want to meet my friends? When can I meet your friends? I’ll step to the side and I say I did get a little caught up with the prospect of it all knowing full well in the back of my head it wasn’t going to work long term and also in the background was my best friend holding up all the red flags and me being semi blinded to see them. Here’s where the story takes a turn, I can see where I went wrong on our second date but it is only while beginning to write this blog that I realised the domino affect it had on him.... by a silly (I thought funny, turns out not so much) comment I made and my change in behaviour over the days between dates he had begun to doubt himself and us together. He came across so confident at the start which was an attractive quality but suddenly, from my own observation - unable to confirm with him, I brought out some of his insecurities and I didn’t exactly comfort or acknowledge them which made me see a different side of him. He also went from showing full emotion to just blocking me out after trying to consult with him. In the end, when he had come to the conclusion I wasn’t the girl for him, he decided to ghost me. So we went from one extreme to another of messaging constantly and him providing ridiculous amounts of attention to nothing. This brings me to what I have found to be the different levels of ghosting;
1. The fade away - slowly stops replying, doesn’t use the same language in messages.
2. The “sorry been busy” - welcome to 2018 where we are constantly on our phones. If you can’t find a few moments to reply then you are not interested, kinda simple right?
3. The snapper - if you have each other on Snapchat the snaps will go from sending you more personal and funny things that remind you of the other to - look at my lunch, look at this dog, look at this pencil etc.
4. The Hello, are you still into me - will send messages every so often (mainly when drinking) to remind you that they are still there but also keep you at a distance as a back-up plan.
5. The mutual Ghost - where you are both on the same page of not being into each other but neither wants to end it so you both slowly go your separate ways.
AND of course! For the big finish
6. The cutter - everything is fine, he has been acting a little odd but nothing alarming, then wham bam thank you mam no reply and never hear from again (until you run into them at downstairs moose after one too many tequilas and start the cycle again).
So why ghost? Is it to save the persons feelings or is it more to avoid the awkward conversation around “what are we” because I can assure you both suck just as much. Of course no one likes rejection, I have never met someone who has said, hi I’m Stacey, my likes include being rejected and my dislikes are pineapple on pizza, I mean a girl likes her beauty therapist but isn’t thrilled by getting waxed. Where does this option of ghosting come into play? I personally would much prefer the “hey I’m just not that into you” message then you switch on me faster than Will Smith - turn around now - switch - never to speak again. For the guys and girls that think they are preserving the others feelings I’m sorry to say you aren’t.
Got a fair way through writing this blog before I thought I should get the perspective of my mates that have gone through ghosting and I got more than I wanted; she wrote about how she did the haunting without the realisation of how it affected the other, here’s a snippet of what she wrote;
“Guys have feelings too!
One of my guy friends said to me and at the time I always wondered why. Now years later I have reflected on his words and understand his situation. He was wanting me to want him and I was not the girl to do it.
I was not his person, but he was weighing it up in his head.”
Which brings me trying to speak on behalf of the male gender... wish me luck. Ok so I know girls can be just as bad when it comes to ghosting and games. Hearing stories of girls just using guys for attention or keeping them in their pocket until their Prince Charming comes along and I 110% don’t agree with this. It’s selfish, unkind and straight up a dick move. But its girls like that, that will often complain the most about mistreatment from guys. Which if you learn anything from this blog let it be this - treat a potential partner the way you want to be treated. You want to play mind games, expect them back, you want to stir and create jealously, don’t be shocked when it happens to you. To summarise - Don’t expect to be treated like a Princess when you treat them like a frog.
We can keep coming back to we don’t know another’s situations so many times before someone asks the question, well how do we know if we don’t try? Good question with no helpful answer. You can only try; you can line up 15 dates in a week and have 3 of them cancelled, 5 of them ghost you, 2 of them not your type, 3 of them just looking for a hook up and the other 2 being put into the potential bucket. You can let all this get to you or you can face it, claim it and get back on that horse.
I dated this one guy, you could put us in a blank white room and we would be entertained for hours by each other’s company, we could talk about the paint drying on the wall and it would be interesting. We had a lot in common and there was no pressure to be anyone but yourself, it was an incredible feeling. And then he ghosted me..... I’ve been ghosted plenty of times but I don’t think I will ever quite understand what happened with this one. Usually you can at least pick up little things, but the battle in my head says it was timing and his head space with the added reminder that it isn’t all on me. Ghosting doesn’t always hurt, but this one did. But hey, here I am dusted off writing about it and soldiering on. Because there is only so many times I can ask a brick wall why before the realisation of me not getting any answer becomes clear as day.
Andddd what’s the point of this all? Well a few things, ghosting is not the most ideal way to end things, but it is a common one, just be mindful of the situation and the other person before you leave them on read. Better to rip off the band aid!
As always here are some handy tips to finish this blog;
1. Every fairytale has an ever after and sometimes that ever after isn’t with that person, you’ll find your prince/princess soon
2. Don’t take it personally if you get ghosted, you have probably done it too
3. The reason behind why you get ghosted is not a reflection on you as a person
4. Honesty remains the best policy
5. Go out, have fun and you stay classy San Diego
