Day Three

Just to see what would happen, I messaged all my matches, referencing something from their bios or pics because I am that detail-oriented. I was mostly ignored, which is what I expected.

One guy and I talked about spicy food, our majors, and video games. He was on Tinder for shits and giggles and was hoping to improve his small talk skills.

Some guy had “Bad pickup lines are available upon request” in his bio, so I requested some lame pickup lines and sent him some of my favorite ones.

I met another cat dad, and he admitted to trying to impress me by bringing up the only song he knew by one of my favorite bands. He told me I could unmatch with him because of our differing music tastes, but I said I was on Tinder just for friends, anyway, and we exchanged Snapchats so that he could send me pics of his cat.

I had a weird conversation this other guy, who brought up the true love of my life Avatar: The Last Airbender because it was in my bio before he changed subjects. He was looking for a girlfriend on Tinder, to which I said I was just looking for friends. The things he said he was looking for in a girlfriend were:

Sweet, friendly

A good friend

And some physical activity :’D

In bed

I asked my friends what they would respond to that and went with:

Isn’t it harder to do push ups in bed, though? It’d be easier to do at the gym, y’know.

He got upset when he asked me out and I turned him down. He sent this emoji: -_- I mean, I told him I was only looking for friends on Tinder.

Day Four

In no particular order:

Some guy and I talked about metal music.

Another told me he was only visiting California for a few days and kept asking me what was fun to do.

Another guy and I talked about Harry Potter.

This douchebag discriminated against me because of my short height and was only looking to fuck through Tinder. GOODBYE, LOSER.

I met a professional cameraman, and he asked me about my poetry.

I had a pretty strange conversation with someone, and he never replied after my last message, so I don’t know what’s up.

Him: Hey, why do I feel like I’ve met you before?

Me: I don’t think we’ve ever met before. What makes you feel that way?

Him: Your smile looks familiar

Me: Maybe we met before in a past life.

I met some other guys, and the conversations went:

Them: Hey

Me: Hey, how’s it going.

Them: Good

(Me: Well, alrighty then)

A lot of boys suck at small talk, apparently.

I also swiped right on a Haikus profile because I wanted a free haiku, just for kicks.

Him: Tell me something cool

Interesting about you

For a free haiku

^ that’s a haiku btw

Me: Well, that is not free

If I have to do something

For a free haiku

^ also a haiku

He sent me his “best” haikus, but they were not the best.

Day Five

This weird fuck messaged me:

Him: R u kinky

Me: Yes. I like to shower with people…and use their blood to cleanse my soul. (Response courtesy of a friend because I have extremely sassy friends with the best responses.)

Him: Damnnnnn. Idk if I can get on ur level. Guess we weren’t meant to be

Me: I guess so.

I went to the beach with friends after, so I was not on Tinder. Snapchat Cat Dad did send me snaps of his adorable cat. He was so confused when I told him he was cute.

Day Six

Conversations continued with some matches. Snapchat Cat Dad continued sending me snaps of his cat.

I’ve also been officially ghosted by Cute Guy from the first post. He changed his Tinder profile bio and pics but didn’t bother to send a quick 2 second text to me about whether he’s still alive or not. Oh, fucking well. In the words of a wise friend:

Friend: I bet he wasn’t even that great, like great guys don’t just ghost nice people

Truest fucking shit ever.

What I’ve Learned from A Week of Tinder

No matter how innocent or dorky they may look, fuckboys will be fuckboys.

If a guy ghosts, he sucks. If I ghost a guy, it’s because he sucks by being rude and inappropriate.

Having random conversations with strangers is a lot of fun when they are into it and bring up intellectual topics.

When asked to meet up and I said no, some guys would continue with the conversations while others would become crybabies and whine about what a bitch I am. The good ones continue the conversation.

My friends come up with the best and funniest responses to weird things guys have said to me.

It’s difficult keeping conversations with 10+ different guys straight in my head at any given time.

Don’t take Tinder seriously. Ever.

Age doesn’t matter, maturity does.