#tinarrow

Dearest Vella,

There have been many unspoken things between us. Perhaps they’ve been communicated through actions or glances or have been left to dwindle away in thought, but I have decided now to finally transfer those things into reality, even if you may never read them. I have no intentions of sending this letter to you; I’m in a precarious position with everything in my life right now and who knows what kind of chaos this would cause if it got back to you. That’s not to say I wouldn’t ever let you read this and if you are then I want you know that you’ve always meant so much to me and I’d do just about anything for you.

My feelings for Vivienne were always going to be an obstacle. Her death broke me in a way that I won’t ever be able to fix the pieces left behind. I’ve never believed in a God- not because I know and understand magic and science- but because I don’t believe an entity so “benevolent” would destroy the body and spirit of a young woman who had done nothing but support, cherish, love, and protect others, and especially a woman who had a young daughter.

Vella: if you ever feel as though you can’t compare or compete with Vivienne, then please rest assured that there is nothing to worry about. What I had with her is different than what I have with you and the two shouldn’t be considered together. My marriage, my love, and my family was ruined in such a short space of time; I thought the whole world would crumble beneath me. Things have changed, things are better, but I’ll always love Vivienne and I’ll always love you. Those are two constants in an ever-changing, confusing existence.

However, I’m certain that my feelings for you have begun a healing process I never thought was possible. Seeing you at work always made my day better. Seeing you smile made me smile. I felt that it was okay to move on and be happy again. There was no guilt or grief eating me up anymore and I felt like I could finally breathe. I owe you a lot for simply just being there, for making my heart slip a beat and remind me that I’m alive. There is no greater fate for me on this Earth than to know and be with you.

For years, I’ve put on this mask- a face of false courage- just so I could protect Aurelia from the adversity faced in the journey of grief. She’s young enough to not truly comprehend the complexity of the situation, but old enough to know that such a loss will impact her for the rest of her life. I always worried immensely for her, knowing that she’d never have a truly positive mother figure in her life.

Then you came along. You treat Aurelia like your own flesh and blood. You listen to her, comfort her, love her. And you stuck by me long after Vivienne died and always asked if I was okay and if either myself or Aurelia needed anything. You were a rock- a great stability and comfort- in turbulent times and in a storm I never thought I could weather. You saved me from drowning and there’s no amount of gratitude I can give you to repay my debt.

I’m sure you know already, but Aurelia loves you to bits. She draws scenes of the three of us together by the beach, in the park, having sleepovers, and they depict this wonderful image of family. And truth be told you’ve been the missing piece of our family. I knew from the moment Aurelia smiled at you and took your hand so she could show you her beloved dolls. I trust my daughter’s judgment more than anyone’s- more than any expert or minister- and I will do for as long there is breath is my body. So that’s why I want so badly for you to be her mother and to be mine, whether as my wife or just as my girlfriend. I want you as you are and please never change for anybody.

I’ll reiterate when I say that I don’t believe in God, but I believe in miracles because you’re my miracle- the greatest thing to happen to Aurelia and I- and I hope that you can stay in our lives forever and to be as eternal as the stars that shine down on us.

Ad astra, my love.

Yours,

Septimus

My dear Mara,

I’ve only been gone less than a week, but I miss you already. I miss Dash, too. It’s funny what you long for when you’re apart from it and I think my trip to the US has really put things into perspective. But I’m not too good with words and I don’t think I could ever truly fathom into words what I feel about the two of you.

I had a conversation with the ghost of my eldest brother (that’s a long story for another time) and he, despite his eternal youth, said some very profound things and one particular thing about family. It’s not who you are born to, not who you share blood with, but family is what you make it. I made a family with the unconditional love that my adoptive parents were so willing and so proud to give me; the same goes for the unconditional love I have for you and Dash.

Family is complicated and messy and sometimes it drives me around the proverbial bend, but that’s just life, isn’t it? And what’s life without its enigmas, its chaos, and its ups and downs? I know I’ve had my fair share. But ever since you and Dash walked back into my life it’s been the only one I ever want to live and everything has finally made sense.

And speaking of Dash, he asked me if you and I were ever going to get married and it seemed preposterous at the time, a misunderstanding, like something he’d dreamt up. But now I think of that conversation and I wonder whether I was too quick in dismissing it all. The truth is, I wanted to suppress my feelings and pretend they weren’t even there and I did it for so, so long. You were too good for me, Samara- you still are- but I love you and I want you in my life and I want to grow old with you. I want to be Dash’s father and I’d be more than proud to call him my son. I just hope that I can be a good role model to him.

You are a ray of sunshine, a bright light in the darkness, my guide, my heart, my opposite… but that all made you the second half of my soul. Without you I wouldn’t be the man I am today.

And before you say anything: yes, I would very much like to marry you. But that’s something to discuss later, perhaps after I’ve found a beautiful ring perfect enough for a beautiful woman.

I love you and I’ll see you soon.

Yours, always,