#time is circular

A lot of my shit is probably simply the result of having a delayed circadian rhythm. I have never in my life managed to establish a sleep schedule that worked for me. During university when I experienced maximum sleep freedom, I ended up becoming completely nocturnal, waking up in the late afternoon and going to sleep in the morning, which obviously wasn't great. During the pre-WFH years of my early career when I experienced maximum restrictions on my sleep schedule, my morning depression was unbearable, I would wake up every day feeling like I'd been hit by a train and would frequently cry in the office toilet from how terrible I felt, until it lightened up in the afternoon. This is probably the biggest structural factor that holds me back in life and I guess is ultimately responsible for like 90% of why I am so chronically unhappy, fuck the second-order psychological causes. So I should do the sleep hygiene stuff right? But in order to do that I have to kiss goodbye to night, which is my favourite time to be awake. And I have to be boring on weekends and not stay up late or lie in. And I have to consistently prioritise maintaining the sleep schedule over escapism or pleasure; if I have one of those days, as I often do, which is entirely filled with work and chores and I don't get a second to inhabit my own mind - tough, you can't make up for it at night, you have to just accept that this day gave you nothing and force yourself to sleep on time anyway. And if my insomnia and anxiety keeps me awake, I should just accept the pain and wake up at the same time anyway, no concessions. That just seems really shit to me as an existence! Once again it comes back to the fact that life is a lot of work and a lot of maintenance and I fundamentally am not OK with that. Wouldn't have accepted these terms if they'd been offered to me before birth, I would have said fuck it I can't be bothered and self-aborted.