#tiarm

i want to learn everything, i’m really passionate about having new knowledge... but i forget it? i love history and it seems like i can’t recall what i’ve learned... well, since high school? i’ve learned all that stuff about the history of germany for the last three years and i feel like i don’t remember much?

i want to learn everything, but i don’t put it in practice? i learned spanish for 5 years and didn’t put much effort to practice it after and now i can understand mostly when someone talks, or if i read something, but i can’t find my words... same thing with sign language, it was great, but i didn’t practice or review it and now it’s hard to communicate with it

i love languages, i really liked my linguistics classes too, but i don’t think there’s any job i want to do with it? i don’t want to teach and that’s about the only thing you can do with this

but i’m super motivated to learn languages on my own this year, and i’ll keep working full time so i’ll be able to plan a trip at some point (rn i don’t have a clear idea of where exactly)

i went to my dad’s to get my winter boots, and he was there so i told him i was going shopping for jeans and he was like “would men’s jeans fit you?” and idk it felt good to be asked this question, like my identity is valid and it’s acknowledged that i don’t/won’t only wear “women’s clothes”

i told it i couldn’t start my period yesterday because i had two exams and it would be a bad idea to start bc i needed to be able to stand and to function

but that the next day, today, would be good bc i would be at home and could relax

and it listened!

all was either too feminine (mostly bc of the cut of the clothes)

or i looked like i was wearing the clothes of someone bigger than me... which is often the case bc the shirts were my dad’s or my brother’s before

I wanted to wear it on Wednesday, but I knew I was going to spend around 9 hours at school and in public transport, so it wasn’t a good idea either

I wanted to wear it today. I had to go give a paper at school, but no class whatsoever... But I couldn’t put it on at home, because I looked very flat, even with my coat on, and I wasn’t ready to talk about it with my mom, who was there. (She notices everything. Had I been at my dad’s, I wouldn’t even had cared, because he wouldn’t even have seen anything different.) So I brought it with me and put it on at school. And wow, wearing it there is so nerve-racking but also so amazing! On one side, there’s the whole “what will people think of me, how do i look like for their eyes, i just look like a girl with abnormally small / nonexistent boobs”, and on the other there’s the “haha guess you’re wondering what’s my gender... good. Go on, hesitate on which pronoun to use! Acknowledge that I’m not in the binary (if such a thing exists)”

So let’s say that this week was gender-wise not so bad, because I made compromises and wore shirts that made me feel okay with my gender, but also not good because i was dysphoric now and then...