#thxcaptain

    All of my dreams are all I see

                             Try not to wake me,

                                                                        can’t you s e e ?

            All of my dreams are all I want to see

                                  T r y n o t t o w a k e m e .

Do you ever think about falling? The purest act of falling, whether it be a physical thing, or emotional. Falling; move downward, typically rapidly and freely without control, from a higher to a lower level.

And there are so many other definitions — falling; your gaze could fall, your expression, your body — you could fall before someone in worship, fall in battle, die. You can fall to your knees, or you could fall in love. In the end, the root of the emotion, the word itself, is the same.

To go down; to fall — from grace. To sin, or do wrong.

-- I think a69ut falling.

I see myself, in my dreams — falling int9 an endless night. The 6reath leaves me in 6u66les, th9ugh I'm n9t in water. 9r am I? I can never tell. I d9n't feel anything -- n9thing. I think I see m9vement in the distance, 6ut it's faint, like I'm in a 6u66le myself, 9ne that pr9tects me fr9m what lurks past the thin, invisible walls ar9und me. 

I never used t9 dream like this. 6ut since I l9st my mem9ry, I have. Every night. I haven't t9ld Cr9nus 9r Meenah -- I'm t99 afraid. And I d9n't want them t9 see me scared.

As the week draws 9n, I've 6egun t9 feel this... phant9m ech9 9f panic -- fear -- desperate denial -- terr9r, as I fall thr9ugh the endless 6lack. Like I kn9w what's waiting f9r me at the 69tt9m. I've never craned my neck t9 l99k -- s9mething always t9ld me I'd 6e happier n9t kn9wing.

6ut t9night, the panic was t99 great. T9night, dr9wning in an invisi6le 9cean 9f 6lack, the paran9ia and the panic and the fear 9f the unkn9wn thing I fell t9wards 9verwhelmed me. Kn9wledge was p9wer, I t9ld myself. And I threw my head 6ack t9 l99k.

-- I w9ke up 6ef9re seeing a thing.

You open your eyes from your nightmare, body stiff, expression blank. Don't make a scene. You try to shove the heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach away, breath deep to quell the frantic beating of your pusher. You look around. Cronus and Meenah hadn't slept with you last night -- you were safe for now.

Though right now, you feel anything but safe. There is a dangerous twist in your stomach, the sinking feeling refusing to go away. You're just simply -- feeling -- too much. You're frightened -- something's wrong, and you can't put your finger on it. You have the strangest feeling of something bearing down on you over your shoulder, like death himself was pressed flush against your back. You dare a look, like a scared child after hearing a nasty bedtime story. Nothing was there.

With your chest feeling like it's going to collapse you run from your room. You had to find Meenah and Cronus. You were feeling -- flickers -- at the back of your mind, something happening, something waiting to happen. A dam ready to be released.

You run.

"Meenah!" you shout. "Cronus!!" You feel ridiculous; honestly, but you're all twisted up inside -- something isn't right, something doesn't feel right -- you could barely breath, and when you did the air didn't reach your lungs -- your pusher was banging around in your chest frantically, so quick, so uncontrollably unbearably fast -- and oh, your chest, it hurt, like there was a vice tight around you, like the grip of a cold, angry spirit.

"MEENAH!!" You're screaming now. "CRONUS!!" You speed through through corridors of the Prospititan tower you were in, until you barrel out the doors into the empty golden streets. Everything is so bright and serene around you, gold and joy etched everywhere -- but it was false, tainted with curling, evil shadows at every corner. You can't stop shaking, your entire body, vibrating with a terrible tremor. Everything around you was so surreal, like you could reach out and touch it but go straight through it. Like you were naught but an old ghost, frantically trying to cling onto the land living.

They're standing one of Prospits higher points, looking down on Skaia, when they hear you screaming and turn, bewildered, concerned, and run for you. Meenah reaches you first.

"Gups?! Gups what the shell is goin' on?! Why're ya screamin?"

Her words hit you like a strike to the face, and they leave a welt. A great welt; not on your physical person, but on your mind. Something breaks.

kankri what the shell do you mean its the only coddamn way W)(AT ABOAT OUR PROMIS-E

A flash of memory. You shudder, a sick feeling running through your stomach. No. No. No.

"Kanz? VWhat happened? Are you alright?"

The words have become a knife, and when Cronus speaks, it twists. Images flicker through your mind -- a battle you won, the punishment you wrought, and the choice... that you made.

kanz, dont do this! you cant do this! you made a promise! dont giwve up! dont stay here! dont do this!

You balked, your head reeling. You stumble, and fall to your knees. It was time. You were -- remembering. You were remembering, and you were falling.

"Gups?! "Kanz?!"

You wanted to vomit. You three... had made a promise. And for sweeps -- for centuries -- you had forgotten the feelings behind that promise, convinced yourself that it was just empty words. Perhaps it was easier to think of it like that. Easy to think it was something fake -- just another lie -- one that wouldn't hurt them like it hurt you. Because the truth was just too ugly for you to face.

You had loved each other. Trusted each other. Grown with each other, learned with each other, suffered, fought, dreamed, hoped, and lived with each other. You were everything together -- and you had promised to stay together. The three musketeers. Best friends.

And you pretended it was all fake so you wouldn't have to face the fact that you were a fucking coward and you betrayed them. Betrayed your love, your feelings, your friendship -- because you were too scared to admit you had changed because of them -- for the better.

And then you spent three hundred centuries in denial while they suffered.

"I'm so sor... sorry...," you gasp, your voice a long, shuddering hiccup of tears. Meenah and Cronus crouched in front of you, expressions confused and alarmed as candy red spilled down your cheeks, luminescent in the night that surrounded you. You want to scream no, don't look at me like that, I betrayed you, I betrayed us, I'm a filthy goddamn coward --

You wish you could choke on your tears.

And then, it starts. Meenah had a hand on your right shoulder, the other on your left thigh, just under your hip, trying to keep you steady. Cronus has slipped up to your side and put a hand on the small of your back, the other curved over your right knee, squeezing comfortingly. And it was comforting -- and then it burned.

Your pupils dilate to pinpricks as the rush of emotion hits you. Meenah's concern, her helplessness, her fear -- and the rush speeds up and you're getting all of her feelings, not just the ones on the surface -- passion, determination, adoration, insecurity, love, friendship, love, dontleavemedontleaveme. Cronus -- concern, wild anger -- who did this who hurt him, helplessness, panic, love,concern,donttakehimfromme, vwe made a promise, vwere not alone anymore --

You hadn't even realized you were screaming in pure agony until you hear Meenah shout to Cronus -- his empathy is back L-ET )(IM GO -- you fall on your hands and knees and you want to vomit, but nothing comes up, you sob, you're losing them -- it's over, you remember, and you're going to lose them --

"I made you a promise... we made a promise; together," you choke. They're sitting in front of you, leaning back on their hands, looking at you with bewildered expressions. You can't stop sobbing. "I never thought -- I would be the one to break it --" They look confused, and perhaps more alarmed than before.

"Kanz, vwhat are you talking about...?" He doesn't dare get closer. "You're not planning on doing something -- ?"

"I was a coward," you sob. You look up at them, distress etched into your face. "I'm -- Cronus, Meenah, I'm so s--"

And it's like time... slowed down around you. Your eyes -- go wide. Your pupils, your irises; they almost disappear. You can't breath.

Your friends are still staring at you. And behind them -- a figure. A person; standing, skin the color of obsidian, hair blacker than ink. Eyes -- teal -- teeth -- like razors, incisors jutting out like hacksaws, almost in the shape of a macabre beak. Meenah and Cronus don't notice him. He sways up behind them, feet barely touching the ground, only his toes skimming across the ground like a demented ballerina. His faded seer of blood robes are in a tatter around him.

"Time to remember your sins, Kankri. But don't worry... soon those things won't matter. Soon nothing will matter anymore, and all there will be is darkness... and us."

And then he disappeared. And Cronus disappeared. And Meenah disappeared. And it was like they were never there to begin with -- but the wounds they left on your heart were there. The tears you cried for them were there.

Slowly, memories began to filter in. Memories of Cronus; your moirail. Dualscaar; your mate. Tavros; your... -- Kankri; your friend -- memories of the past three hundred centuries --

You can't stand, so you crawl. You manage to get to the edge of the canal, looking down into the water -- your eyes are dead.

And you fall.