#thurstask1

“Fucking Meryl Streep…” came Bob’s reply in a hushed tone, as if someone overhearing the conversation could be dangerous. “Like, for an older woman, she’s hot and she’s awesome. I wouldn’t want to meet her in a dark alley if I’m being real here. She probably is like, a third degree black belt in jujitsu and has the accuracy of a sniper with any kind of gun.” Honestly, he felt a little paranoid, as if Meryl would suddenly come up out of the woodwork and karate chop him in the throat. “Okay, but Meryl is great, don’t get me wrong. Like I said, she’s hot, she’s bad ass, and she’s been in like, only every movie ever or something. I’d like to see her and Helen Mirren have a sick rap battle.” Finally, he relaxed against his chair, sipping a glass filled with clear liquor. “I just hope she doesn’t come to my house and kill me now for giving away all of her secrets. I guess it’s one of the better ways to die though so I can’t really complain if she does.”

“I once knew a dog named Sophie,” Bob began, then realized how absolutely horrible that sounded, “Not to say that Sophie is like a dog. I mean, maybe like a very cute puppy.” He scratched his head, wondering how he was supposed to get back on the right foot after that comment. “Okay, but listen. Sophie is the sweetest little treasure ever. I think her kindness could literally kill people and that’s special.” Quietly, he added, “I think she might like my magical freckles too, but let’s be real, it’s hard not to fuckin’ like them…. you know how like, animals use certain colors or parts of their body to attract mates? Well, mine’s the freckles and the hair. Chicks dig it, as they say.” He laughed then and waved a hand to dismiss his tangent. “Back to Sophie. She’s cute. Maybe a little young for me, but cute. Potentially corruptible. I like her sooooo much.” 

“Thaaaaaaat’s the Asian guuuuuy from the zoooombie show…” Bob was obviously slurring his words now, badly. In his hand, he held a full beer - his ninth bottle tonight. He grinned widely before setting down his bottle then nearly knocking it over swiveling around in his chair. “Ohhh, Steve, he’s like, my Asian brother from another mother. If we were like… kangaroos… we would be the best kangaroos mates ever, I think.” He lolled his head back and chuckled slightly, obviously well beyond plastered. “I bet people would ship us like, in the shows. Like Bellamy and Glenn? Yeah, I’m creating that ship.” He tried to make a hashtag symbol with his fingers and failed. “#shipperatheart. Glennamy. I like it.”

For a second, Bob looked extremely confused. “Uh, who?” But then as he thought about it, everything clicked into place and he smiled knowingly. “Keira Knightley? Like the Keira Knightley? She’s hot. But I haven’t met her before… does she live here!?” His surprise, and the alcohol, left his cheeks slightly pink. A smile pulled at the corners of his lips. “No shit. I have to make it a point to,” he did air quotes, “accidentally bump into her sometime.” He waggled his eyebrows rather suggestively before laying his head down on the bar and closing his eyes, all while muttering something about Keira Knightley’s legs.

“Stefani…” He stretched out the syllables of her name with a small smile on her face. “She’s cool. So chill. And like, her humor is unlike anything else. I wish I knew more women… no, not even just women but more people like her.” His words hung in the air for a minute as he formulated his next sentence at a snail’s pace, mouth slightly hanging open. “Um, Stefani is… I mean, I feel sort of naughty for admitting it, but she’s an attractive woman. Very attractive.” His eyes glassed over for a moment before he took a swig of the amber liquid in his glass and scrunched up his face. “I’m a little disappointed that I didn’t know her back when she was on her… naked hiking expedition. That would have been…” His tongue traced his lips, twice, before he reached up to rub his face tiredly. A yawn escaped him. “I hope that we actually go on our naked high heeled hiking date. I’m kindofreally looking forward to it…” 

“Ahh, James.” Bob took a long pull from his pint glass, smiling. “His ass is very… grab-able? Is that a word? It is now.” He stared down at the floor for a moment, slightly lolling forward, while onlookers glanced worriedly in his direction, no doubt concerned he was going to fall on his face. “James is like, the sensitive type, I think. I’d wear the pants in that relationship, definitely.” Chuckling, he lifted his head and brought his glass to his lips again. “I wonder… does he have a girlfriend? What are my chances of getting with him?” Then, he brought a hand to his mouth, looking somewhat surprised at his words. “Did I just say that out loud? No, no, no one heard that!” Then, he burst into a snickering fit.