Except it’s Thor.
I present to you, Peter parker Clone Au!
So, we all have ‘Peter parker Tony biodad au’ gotcha, we have ‘Peter parker Bucky barnes au’ gotcha, or steve or BUT NOTHING ABOUT THOR GODDAMN IT AND WHAT IF.
What if it made sense? Like, Peter was bitten by a spider, radioactive and this entire time, he thought ‘oh okay, so, that’s where i got my powers from’ but it’s not.
Imagine it was just a normal wolf spider that bit him and nothing in his DNA changed except for the fact he could climb on walls.
So he immediately puts two and two together and blames the spider but in reality it’s some sort of mischief magic shit that even Loki could do when he was three to terrorise Odin.
‘Odin sensing some sort of disturbance awakens in the night to find Loki on the ceilings staring back at him.’
Odin: “Frigga.”
Odin: “Frigga.”
Frigga: “Hn?”
Odin: “He’s on the ceiling.”
Frigga: “Who?”
Odin: “Him.”
And Loki is like staring back his skin slightly blue his eyes swirling red and Odin is unnerved and he has to grab his sceptre near him and bat at Loki. “Loki get down.”
Loki hisses. “Loki.” Odin bats at him and Loki drops down on the bed and on all fours scurries away still sticking to the objects.
Cutscene to Peter doing the exact same except he’s fourteen and attempting to scare the horrible neighbour at the end of the road, it’s halloween so it’s a good joke and he’s wearing a mask.
And let’s not forget frigga taught Loki that magic, so by logistics it’s a family thing that runs through and Peter just naturally has the talent for it and Thor well, he was never too good at magic but, his son apparently is.
And his son apparently likes climbing on walls.
‘b-but what about the super strength?’ HELLO THOR HAS THAT TOO? Peter uses some nerd science to geek it down to his body having twice the strength of what a spider should have in human form.
But really it’s his dad’s fault.
Peter: “Dude look.”
Rips all 240pound wall from a building and holds it up to ned, grinning in excitement as he shows off his new powers.
ALSO Thor.
Thor: “Friends look what i can do!”
Does the exact same, ripping an almost even heavier wall off and holds it up to admire it. “Now we have a pool table.”
Tony: “Thor no.”
Natasha: “Tony could have just bought us one.”
Tony: “Yeah what she said.”
This also correlates to his food eating, his new metabolism when in reality he’s always been a ‘i need more’ eater and never realised with the awakened demigod blood, he needs more to sustain his half godly side.
Tony handing peter his salad bowl because peter had been staring and peter devours it:
Peter: “Thanks!”
Twenty minutes later.
Peter: “Can we order pizza?”
Tony already on the phone ordering four boxes: “On it.”
Also Thor:
Thor: “Tony your food lacks the nutrients i need, i shall hunt a boar for us.”
Tony: “Orrrr i could order us pizza.”
Thor: “…”
Thor: “With pepperoni?”
Tony: “With pepperoni.”
‘But they don’t look alike?’ Well you can chalk that up to, i don’t give a frig, everyone in the odin family seems to either have magically taken blonde or black hair, (hela.)
So imagine by funny coincidence Peter had blonde hair when he was younger but like rapunzel upon meeting May, his hair slowly and slowly starts morphing to look more like hers including his eyes, he’s using magic without realising it.
May holding baby peter up: “My blue eyed baby.” And the doctors tell her it’s normal for babies to lose their blue eyes after a while.
However may thinks it’s eerily creepy how freckles appear like her own and his hair starts to curl like hers did when she was younger and as he’s six years old his hair is almost a soft brown.
May: “okay this is not normal.”
Fury: “all babies grow out of their blonde eyed blue eyed phases, get over it.”
May: “Oh you grew out of your blonde eyed blue eyed phase fury?”
Fury:… “I will fire you.”
May: “I quit.” she gives him a smile.
Fury: “I’ll fire you again.”
:
May Parker coming across a toddler while on a shield expedition: “Oh what have we here?”
Blonde haired blue eyed peter immediately mistaking her for mama and raising his hands out and cooing:
May: “…”
Also may magpie instincts activated: “I’m sure nobody will notice if he goes missing.” inching closer like she’s about to pocket him.
May: “… Ur mine now.” Scoops him up and abandons the mission next thing Fury knows she’s quitting because she has a child??
Fury: “Since WHEN.”
May: “Since now.”
Fury looks to coulson to blame who holds his hands up, fury pointing: “I know you two had a thing.”
Phil looks to her suddenly panicked: “He’s not-“
May: “Not yours i promise.”
Phil: “Thank gods- wait well i mean it would be nice, if, i mean..”
Fury: “Coulson get out of here before you embarrass yourself further.”
Phil: “Yes sir.”
Fury pointing to May: “And youuu-“
May: “I’ll make you grandfather?”
Fury: “Don’t ever call me that again.”
Fury:… “I want visitation.”
May: “Done deal, visit your grandbaby fury.”
:
Watch may conclude an elaborate web of lies about how ‘peter’s parents’ died when he was only a newborn in a plane crash it’s honestly truth, May did have a sister.
Who did die in a plane crash however the lie is that they aren’t biologically peter’s parents and may herself isn’t even aware to the connection to Thor, the thunder bringer himself.
So when Peter gets his powers and explains it’s from the oscorp trip may can’t help but think… (Obtaining a birth certificate is much easier then she thinks and forging documents, she does make up his birthday however because she has NO idea when he was born or made?)
May: “huh… can’t be from that lab where i found him can it?”
May: “NAH.”
Peter: “Wait what.”
:
I love the idea that may wasn’t married to ben at first but when she took on Peter and left Shield she was full on struggling as a new single mother (aunt) and encountered ben.
Ben: “Aw he’s a cutie.” At a park.
May: “I know,”
Ben: “Is he yours? or..?”
May: “No.”
Ben: “Friends?”
May: “Let’s assume for a second he’s not mine for a minute you gonna flirt with me?”
Ben: “Should i be more concerned with the fact he’s NOT yours?”
May: “NAH.”
:
Ben didn’t know about May being former shield and it stays that way even when he dies nor does May have the heart to tell Peter about the fact he’s not biologically related to her.
She supposes it’s a shield instinct.
:
“Aw kid let me-“ Tony looks at peter’s old baby photos and man is he a chubby big baby, like, insanely so, sure it went to his height as he got older but man.
“Kid.” Tony pauses.
“Yes Mr stark?” Peter looks up from where he is.
“You had blonde hair?” Tony says it like it’s a personal offence.
“Mhm.”
“geez you look like pointbreak.” Tony jokes he really does mean for it to be a joke but the more he looks between Thor across the room and the baby photos the more he gets a weird, very weird feeling. “A LOT like him actually.”
“…” Tony stares between the picture and Peter. “Kid i’m gonna need your Dna for something.”
Peter: “???”
Tony: “Call it a hunch.”
A few days later and the test results confirm Thor IS his father and Thor is swinging Peter around and Tony’s crying and it’s now a custody battle.
Tony: “He’s my son.”
Thor: “By blood he is of mine.”
Peter: “Uh guys.”
Tony: “I have adoption papers signed.”
Thor: “He is as of asgard.”
Peter: “Guyyyyys.”
Tony: “Try it pointbreak.”
Thor: “You’d dare take my son from me?”
Peter” GUYS.” They finally look at him. “You have to get through granddad fury first.”
Tony/Thor: “Wait what.”
So watch Peter go through uncle adventures with Loki, who teaches him the full extent of his magic.
Loki: “ah.”
They watch the fire spread around the kitchen.
Peter: “Cool…”
Loki: “Wanna try shapeshifting next?”
Peter: “YOU BET!”
And watch Thor take him to asgard holding him like a sack of potatoes to greet him with heimdall.
Thor: “Heimdall, my son, Peter, Heimdall.”
Heimdall: ???
Thor moves on to go give odin a heart attack by showing his newfound son.
Anyway, i love this idea.
Odin: “Frigga.”
Frigga: “Yes dearest.”
Odin: “Tell me it’s loki.”
Frigga: “Afraid not.”
Odin sighs and greets peter with welcome arms.
Loki watches Peter shapeshift back into a toddler and freaks out when he realises Peter doesn’t know how to turn back and Peter is inadvertently stuck and Thor is delighted because he gets to spend the day with his son again.
Thor: “What a wonderful gift brother!” Holding Peter who is screaming to get away and ends up crying himself to sleep.
Loki: “Uh. gift, yeah, not a horrible miscalculated magical accident.”
Tony: “GIVE ME MY SON BACK???”
Thor has a wonderful day that day and if fury slips in and holds baby peter one more time nobody notices but Barton and Natasha.
-
Thor: “Peter.”
Peter: “Uh huh? yes.”
Thor: “I would like for you to recall to me as father.”
Peter: “Uhhh.”
Barton: “Easy on the nose there thor, gotta let it happen naturally.”
Thor: “Oh, i see. :(“
Peter: “Sorry thor, when i’m ready.”
-
Peter very sleepy at new years eve heading to bed, hugs thor and begins to wander off. “Night dad.”
Thor: :)
Tony: “MY SONN?”
Natasha: “Tony he can have two dads stop being so homophobic.”
Steve: “Shhhh, i’m watching this go down.”
