“Ca-aaas. I can hear your breathing.” He chuckled lowly into my ear. Damn. Busted.

“So? Everybody breathes.” I retorted, teasingly. I felt hoarse and drowsy, but blissful.

“You breathe in that way when you don’t want me to think that you’re awake.”

“Bollocks. I don’t.”

“Bollocks. Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. ONE day in London and you’re a real proper Brit.” He snickered.

“Hey!” I wanted to nudge him in the stomach, but he was too quick. He grabbed my arm and laid on top of me before I could do anything.

“Hey what.” The weight of his body was pinning me down, and I apparently had to endure the smugness of his face through all of this teasing.

“You’re an ass.”

“Ooh,  naughty words. I had no idea such a proper lady could speak like that. Tell me … how did someone this posh end up in a pub like this?”

“I have no idea, to be honest. I was lured in by something.”

“Mmm-hmm. Like what?”

“I don’t know.” I managed to wriggle a bit free from him so I could wrap my legs around him. I heard his breathing hitch as our bodies touched.

“I think it’s me that was lured in, honestly.” He grinded against me, and I had to close my eyes with the sensation.

He did the movement again and I wanted nothing more than him inside of me. Even more so as he began to kiss me. His kisses were deep and long and left me desperate for more.

“Wait …” I bit my lip as I could feel him a bit too close. “Rain coat.”

“Right. Sorry.” He smiled apologetically at me and pulled away. “Old habit.”

“It’s alright.” I had fallen out of breath. “It’s just that the two of us are a bit too … “

“Too what?” He looked at me, curiosity written on his face.

“Too good at getting me pregnant.”

I could see his face going from confused to curious until finally, shocked.

“You’re not serious.” He sat up and sat on the bedside. “The … pregnancy?”

I nodded. The atmosphere in the room had changed into something a lot more solemn.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Cas?” He looked at me in complete disbelief.

I shrugged and tried to not think too much about it.

“I figured that … I don’t know, maybe you’d put two and two together.”

“How could I do that? I thought it was … somebody else.”

“Who would that be?” I sat up on my arms, frowning at him.

“Don’t take it like that, Cas. We were just together that one night, and you …”

“I what?”

“You met a lot of guys back there, right? I saw you at the pub.” He paused and looked sad for a second. “You made sure I saw.”

“Don’t give me that bullshit. And I didn’t fuck them.”

“But … why didn’t you say anything? I sat with you every night. We watched Miami Vice, you slept and I was right there. Why didn’t you tell me?”

I sighed and fell back into the pillows.

“I wanted to … I really did. But it felt like I had deserved all of that. It was me that had to go through it. I was just … happy that you were there. I didn’t want to scare you off.”

“Scare me off? Scare me OFF, Cas?”

“I know.” I felt my eyes beginning to tear up. “It was just … so fragile. I had kicked you out and I didn’t feel like I deserved you being there. I felt so … terrible.”

I could see his jaw clenching as he thought about those nights. The atmosphere between us had been so heavy and dreadful, unlike anything we’d ever tried before. I would cry in the daytime and watch Miami Vice at night, looking at the back of his head and wondering if he’d ever talk to me or touch me again.

“I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.” He said. “That’s why I wrote to Nathan. If he had a job for me, here.”

“And he did.”

“He did.”

I couldn’t decipher what was on his mind. Maybe he was sad, maybe he was relieved. No matter what he felt, he didn’t let me in on it. As always.

“I’m going to get burgers for us. Alright?” He asked, his back turned towards me. I understood. 

( … )

The short walk from here, to the pizza place and back, had helped. He seemed to be feeling a lot better as he returned.

Not that he said much, but it sufficed. And like this, we ate our burgers and french fries, until a text on my phone ripped through the silence.

“Teddy’s running a fever. Going to the doctor’s with him. Call me when you have the time. Xx - Mum”

From there, everything happened in a blur. I dropped everything I had, got dressed and began to panic, before my rational mind had even reminded me to call my mother and ask her for the details. She didn’t say much, as she was on her way to the doctor. Michael was quickly filled in, and he seemingly panicked just as much as I did. It was with hands shaking that I made the call to the airport to change my flight to an earlier one. Michael jump-ran to the car and tried desperately to get the ice off of it, so we could get going. Had the lock not opened in that very second that it did, I’m sure he would have found an axe and simply chopped off the door. There was nothing calm or collected about us, but somehow, we seemed to accomplish it all in time. Whenever one of us was panicking too much, the other would comfort, if even for a few seconds.

 “What did she say? Should I go with you? I can’t go with this one, but I can take a later flight -” He was rambling on, every once in a while running a hand through his hair, as if that would somehow help him to find a solution.

“She said it was nothing bad, that it’s just a fever, so … I don’t KNOW, honestly.”

He took a few deep breaths and seemingly calmed down. There was a long queue for the check-in, and now, it had become my turn to worry. What if I don’t make the flight? My baby needs me … oh god, my baby needs me. MOVE, PEOPLE.

“Easy, darl’. You’ll make it. Don’t worry.” He said, as he rubbed my shoulders. Apparently, it had been easy to read my mind.

“I just want these people to move, damn it.”

“You’ll make it.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard.

“I’m going to miss you, Michael.”

“Likewise.” He bent down and kissed me on the forehead. “Next time, I’ll be coming over to you.”

“How long will we be doing that? Going back and forth?”

“Until you move over here, Cas.”

“What if I can’t?”

“It’s easy. You can.”

“Uuuugh. You’re so annoying.”

“I know. But you love it.” He leaned down and kissed me. It was soft and warm and, most importantly, made me want more. I longed for long mornings, with he and I and Teddy, sleeping in and going for English breakfast somewhere. I didn’t know if that would ever happen.

“Your turn.” He broke the kiss and pointed to the clerk at the desk. It was time.

( … )

Of course, just like my rational mind already knew, Teddy was absolutely fine. Probably just a cold, the doctor had told my mother, and as they’d made their way home he already felt better. As I’d almost kicked her door in to see my boy, hugged him for the longest time and cried a little, my rationality began to set in and I felt like a fool. Of course, I called Michael and reassured him, my mom chuckling at our nervousness in the background.

...

“Really, there was no point in going home earlier. I could have handled him fine, even if he had been worse. Not the first time I’m taking care of a baby, you know.”  My mom teased me, as we sat in front of the T.V. in the evening time.

“Ugh. I knoooow, Mom. I just got so worried.”

“And you lost precious time with that guy of yours.”

“He’s not … my … guy. Do people even say things like that, mom?”

“But you want him to be. And the other way around, too.”

“Don’t say things like that, Mom. It’s not that simple.”

“It is, Cas. It really is.”

“I can’t have that … long distance thing going on. And with all the things we’d been through, I’m just not … I’m not really sure of anything.” I felt a  sting in my heart as I lied to my mother. I knew exactly what I wanted. Michael’s arms, around me, in London, raising our boy and being together forever.

“I think you should move over to  him, darling.”

“Give me a break. It’s not that simple. What about you and Mr. Secret? I don’t see you and him running off into the sunset, either.”

She smiled as she looked down. She always looked so serene and universally happy when we talked about her boyfriend.

“He’s working a lot. He’s running a company, of sorts. But it’s not like we haven’t talked about it.”

“Well? What’s holding you back?”

“Things. I don’t know. All of our goddamn kids, maybe.” She said and I immediately burst into laughter along with her.

“No, it’s not that.” She said as we’d both recovered from the laughing. “He lives a bit far away, too. We want to make sure that this is going to work.”

“You see? Things are NOT that simple, mom. And with Michael, I’m just not … I can’t take that leap and just trust him forever. I can’t.”

“He did those things because he loved you, Cas.”

“That was a really weird way of showing it.”

“He’s a complicated guy.” She spoke softly as she looked at me. Something clicked inside of my mind, and I realized I had a question for her.

“You’ve never told me how you two met.”

“Oh, honey. That’s a long and dull story.”

“I have all the time in the world. C’mon, spill.”

“Uuuuugh.” She sighed and began to rub her forehead. Her telltale sign of “I reeeeally don’t want to do this.” Naturally, it only served to pique my curiosity.

“You’re going to hate me for this, Cassie.”

I was now beginning to become desperate for the information. What? What is it?

“I honestly believe that it’s not a scenario that hasn’t already played in my head, Mom. What is it?”

“Uuuugh, Cassie.”

“What? Is it that bad? Did you sleep with him or what?” I tried to not shudder at the thought, but the scenario wasn’t completely unrealistic. Michael being Michael and all. My mom having left a loveless marriage. It was clearly an option.

“What? God, no. Oh my God. That was NOT what happened.”

“Then what? And he’s not that hideous, Mom.” A small part of me was secretly relieved.

“Oh, Cas … how should I put this, honestly.” She rubbed the palms of her hands against her temples. “Well, I’ll just say it as it is. I contacted him, some time ago.”

“You … what? Why? How?” I looked at her, bewildered.

“You’ll have to understand, I did everything out of love, Cassie. I had never thought things would become so … complicated. With you falling pregnant again, and all that. I’m so, so sorry.” Her eyes were large and apologetic, the small lines around them making her look worried.

“When? I’m completely lost here, Mom.”

“It was … Teddy was around 5 months old. It was before that night when he was so fussy due to his shots.”

“Yes?”

“I’m sure you remember this better than me, darling, but you weren’t really well back then. Richard had just left, and you were struggling a lot.”

The sound of his name always felt like someone was ripping my heart out. A small glimpse of him, writing his farewell letter, played in my head like a bad movie.

“That’s true.”

“I wanted to help so much, Cassie. I really did. But with the divorce from your Dad and all … I couldn’t be there as much as I wanted to. I’m so, so sorry.”

I couldn’t believe my own ears. In an attempt to help me, she had … reached out to him?

“And I won’t ever forgive myself for letting you down that day. I am so sorry. I’ve yelled so much at myself for not helping you that day.”

“That … day?”

“The day with the breakdown in the supermarket. I’m absolutely heartbroken, Cassie. It should have been me that helped you. Not him.”

I felt my brows furrowing at the thought of past events.

“He told you about that?”

“Of course he did, honey.”

“I’m … I can’t believe it.”

“I had no idea you were so -“ She was struggling to find the right words.

“... far out.”

“I really didn’t.”

“It’s okay, Mom. I’m okay now.”

A strange silence fell upon us, my Mom looking down on her hands and me, trying to find out what we were even watching on the T.V.

“So, you don’t hate me? For having contacted him?”

“What? No, Mom. Oh my God.”

“Even with the … “

“Even with everything.” I smiled at her and took her hand in mine.

“I still think you should go to him. Go and live there. You’ll find an apartment and Teddy will go to daycare, and things will work out.”

I sighed. “I can’t. I can’t leave all … this.”

“He loves you, you know. And I know you love him.”

I looked at her, defeated and tired.  She smiled back at me like only a mother could.

( … )

“Are you actually right outside?” I asked the face on my phone screen, as I struggled to get a new nappy attached to Teddy. My Mom’s kitchen was way too small for this kind of work, and it took a lot of skillful planning to change a baby all the while not dropping any of the required items on the floor, and like that I had simply put the phone on a shelf so I could finish up.

“I am.” He smiled back and exhaled a puff from his cigarette. The sun was illuminating his face, and I couldn’t remember when he had looked this happy. I couldn’t wait to go outside and throw my arms around him.

“I have the weirdest surprise for you, Cas.” He half-chuckled into the phone. “You’re never gonna believe it.”

“What? Aaaaand there we go, Teddy. Look! There’s Daddy!” I took the boy on my arm and took the phone so the two of them could see each other. Teddy giggled happily at the sight of his dad, and Michael’s face turned into an even happier one.

I went out the kitchen and through the hallway to fetch the door to let Michael in.

“Moooom! He’s here.”

“Okaaa-ay!” I heard a muffled reply from the upstairs bathroom.

I opened the door and Michael was there, hugging and kissing both Teddy and me. I felt tears of joy running down my cheeks and promised myself that I would never be apart from him for this long again.

“What was the surprise?” I asked as I handed Teddy over to Michael. Teddy immediately began to pull at Michael’s beard.

Michael simply smiled at me as he took a step to the side, revealing the broad, large man behind him. I hadn’t seen him in ages, and I was beyond surprised.

“Nathan! Oh my God! What are you doing here??” I exclaimed as I pulled him in for a big hug. As we stood there, I heard my mom clearing her throat behind us.  She had finished up and had come down the stairs to greet our guests.

“There’s … there’s something I wanted to tell you for some time now, Cassie.” I let go of Nathan, and in the next second, my mom ran into his arms.